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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 14/11/2016 13:34

It is hard to not back down, but I am standing firm. He has texted a lot now, wanting to 'help me out' during the week. The reality is that he's not really there during the week so I've said No. It really doesn't make much difference in practical terms.

Perhaps that will help to realise this week while he still runs around at ExWs house that he does nothing for or with me and our daughter anymore.

OP posts:
slenderisthenight · 14/11/2016 13:51

It sounds like offering to do things for you is the only way he knows to show care.

GabsAlot · 14/11/2016 14:08

it shouldnt be helping you out should it thats his daughter aswell he should be parenting

hazell42 · 14/11/2016 14:11

I feel for you, but you are being unreasonable. He is not going to see his ex wife, he is going to see his children. Good on him. My seventeen year old son hardly ever sees his dad atm because he can't be bothered sitting in his house doing nothing - his words.
His children are busy with their own social lives and he has to fit in around them if he wants to see them. Young people are selfish - if you're not giving them something, taking them somewhere or doing something for them, they really don't have a minute to spare you.
It won't last forever though, so you'll just have to suck it up and wait for them to grow up. Sorry

Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2016 14:11

He does not get it, its not 'helping you out', its being a father to his dd, and the dad she deserves, not having his sloppy seconds.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2016 14:13

And being the partner that you need and deserve too, no have all the space you need, if he does not pull his finger from his arse, then bye bye. I cant see you carrying on with this unusual set up for much longer.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2016 14:15

hazelle read the op, and her posts, he is doing things for ex, and spending time with ex. This contact with his adult kids, should not be at the detriment of his 3 year old who hardly sees him that's not on is it! He can arrange to see his dds anytime, he does not have to baby them at the ex wife say so. He could meet them out for dinner or lunch, or he is welcome to bring them to his house, but they don't want that.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/11/2016 14:16

He is spending most of his time round his ex, and ferrying his adult children to work and uni, when he should also be spending time with his current partner and their 3 year old child with disabilities, who also needs a dad too!

Velvian · 14/11/2016 14:17

Well done sunflower I hope your DP comes to his senses. hazell you need to read the op's other posts to get the full picture.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 14/11/2016 19:45

Well done on keeping it together... it must be bloody hard...

I think the thing that stands out for me in today's post is he wants to "help you out" - either a poor turn of phrase of does he not see you as a family and that he is equally responsible for home, childcare etc?

I know he works and you are currently SAHP but still... it still comes across as you are sole parent and he is going you a favour....

I think he is still failing to see that you want him to properly engage and be a partner and father...

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 15/11/2016 01:00

He contacted me again today and sounded pretty quiet, and popped in a card saying sorry for leaving me on my own at the weekend.

I do just need an acknowledgment from him that seeing a lot of his ExW isn't great, and that there are other ways to maintain contact with his DDs which don't impact quite so badly on me and DD. I'm not sure he's ever going to be able to square that. But I do feel that it is too detrimental to me, it's got to be bad if I feel there would be little difference if we split up. I don't feel he is a partner anymore or much of a father to DD and she needs him.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 15/11/2016 01:35

Another bloke that thinks parenting his own child is "helping out"

baconandeggies · 15/11/2016 01:50

It's telling that they're still married and he thinks that spending more time with you & DD is "helping out". He acts as if you're the other woman. He acts as if he's a guilty man.

He knows full well that you don't like his actions, yet will not stop.

You can't change anything apart from your own reactions to this treatment.

It doesn't really sound like a massive revelation is going to occur to him.

I'd be considering my next steps.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/11/2016 02:21

I really think this is a defining moment in your relationship. You're doing so well. He'll either acknowledge he needs to be a better dad or you're ready to walk away. Either way, you're in strong position emotionally. I do hope he sees sense for your dds saka.

Butterymuffin · 15/11/2016 02:48

I would be blunt too and say that you're starting to realise that you may as well not be together, you see so little of him. And that if being a good father is important to him, he needs to buck his ideas up because he is a shit father to your DD.

Regardless of whether you stay in the relationship or not, I would also say that he needs to be at yours at least 2-3 evenings a week, all evening, taking care of your DD. And a weekend day too. You will be going out. Doesn't matter if it's only to the library or a cafe. He can be the one sitting at home waiting for the other person to show up, while getting on with the grind of parenting, alone for a change.

Pimmmms · 15/11/2016 05:58

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a was trying to manipulate you. He stormed off and refused to come home in an attempt to get you to back off and not call him up on his behaviour. But as soon as YOU told him to stay away he wants to rush back home. The 'power balance' shifted and he panicked. Does he even know how to be in a relationship which is supportive and loving rather than manipulative and point scoring?!

SlottedSpoon · 15/11/2016 06:08

I can really understand why this rankles but I really don't think there is anything you can do about it without looking like you resent

a) the fact that he and his ex have a friendly and very civilised relationship.

b) he likes to be supportive and around for his children as much possible, just as he would if he lived with them full time.

If you imagine hypothetically that in 10 -15 years time the two of you have split, wouldn't you wish the same for your own DD, irrespective of whichever other woman might be in her dad's life by then?

SlottedSpoon · 15/11/2016 06:08

And this is the sort of thing you must anticipate and accept if you take on someone who already has children. Whether you were the OW on not is irrelevant.

CanuckBC · 15/11/2016 07:06

He doesn't seem to get this isn't just about the weekend. It's about the big picture. Him "helping you out" in the same way he helps his not actual ex wife (WTF, after 10 yrs they are not legally divorced😳) is not helpful.

I still say counselling, individual to figure out why he does it for him and couple to work things out and communicate in a productive way so one doesn't go storming off with no communication for hours on end.

This can be salvageable of he is willing to compromise with the exwife visits and be reasonable in conversation. You also need to be not so far gone in the just done department to see if he is willing and able to change his behaviour. It may already be to far gone. Only time will tell.

Roussette · 15/11/2016 07:33

he likes to be supportive and around for his children as much possible, just as he would if he lived with them full time

But if he lived at home with them, he would be telling them to catch the bus! And also it's not just the children is it, it's the exW..

He has to accept he is just on a string that she pulls with his exW and blackmail about seeing the daughters, if he doesnt get that, and accept he also has another family now and a current partner, I think there's going to be a problem. He toddles round to his ex's house every morning ! And exW is always asking for favours. As I said before - there is no need to have any contact with his ex. His DDs are adults, it should be just between him and them as to what contact they have, exW needs to butt out and he needs to tell her.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 07:36

slotted the children are adults, he is spending more time with not only his other adult dd, but ex too, at the detriment of his young 3 year old dd with disabilities, and his current partner, which is not acceptable. There are other ways he can be in contact with his dds without having to spends most of his time with ex. The dynamic is totally screwed. The fact they are still married after 10 years, says it all. Op I would draw up a list of expectations, give them to him. One of which includes divorcing ex. If he cannot meet them, it's bye bye. He is a piss poor father to your dd and that is what'll main concern is. He is not a proper partner or dads.

Penfold007 · 15/11/2016 07:45

She's his wife, that's really all you need to know. Sadly .

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 15/11/2016 14:05

This time has made me feel that there really is very little of him left for us, it's like me and DD get the crumbs after he's finished guiltily running around daily for his grown up DDs and ExW. I'm not sure why I should be satisfied with this and just put up with it quietly.

I tried to imagine what it would be like apart, and the possibilities of a new boyfriend who would have time for us is quite appealing. I do feel sad for DD, it's not her fault she's missing out. And I do think DP isn't particularly happy either, however I can't sort this out for him.

If we split up and 10 years later he was still going to my house twice a day, and doing me favours very regularly, even though our child was over 18, I would absolutely know that I still had a hold on him. In fact I would probably love the continued attention, I could have a boyfriend on the side and someone still acting like a husband. Why would I care that it would damage his happiness? I hope I wouldn't be like that, but I can see the temptation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 15/11/2016 14:17

I do feel a little uncomfortable about having a list of expectations, I kind of want DP to come to some conclusion himself, one way or the other. However, do you think it is unreasonable -

  • for DP NOT to go to ExWs every morning (and usually evening). I know that this is to take DDs to Uni, but it's such frequent contact and usually ends up 'a chat' which then leads to 'favours' and then he's not home for ages. Should I ask for mornings? Or just 2 mornings there a week?
  • To not have contact with ExW unless it's urgent. It's like he can't have contact without it turning into her asking for stuff.
  • To instead have only contact with DDs. They can ask for things directly.
  • To ask that DDs come to ours, for dinner or lunch sometimes instead. I know that this is asking them to come out of their lives and possibly sometimes boring, but even once in a blue moon would be better than nothing but taxis and favours.
  • For DP to carry on taking DDs to the cinema as that is something not to do with ExW.
  • To come home earlier and see our DD in the morning too. To give us as a family one whole day in the weekend where it is not broken up with the 'unexpected last minute' life for DD into work. It means we can't do anything usually ANY weekend day. Maybe just one weekend day he does this?

I don't know. I'm feeling despondent and just want some time by myself. But trying to read everyone's posts and come up with a plan in case in any way it is salvageable.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 15:47

I think that sounds pretty reasonable, if he is not able to do this or unwilling, then you will know where it falls. DP should mabey drop his dds outside the house, then go back to yours, no need for him to come to the door and go in.

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