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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Roussette · 13/11/2016 16:54

Of course the daughters can catch the bus! As long as he has contact with his DDs, the rest of the time should be spent with you and your DD. It sounds like he really really hasn't moved on from his marriage.

putthehamsterbackinitscage · 13/11/2016 17:14

From all your posts and the fact that he has walked out and left you this weekend, I ' d be tempted to tell him he needs to stay away to give you time to think and.... maybe tell him you'll see him next weekend to discuss if you want him to come back

You need to take stock and not just take this sort of treatment and expectation you'll put up with it. If he stays away for a week you'll have more of a chance to think about what you want ....

sterlingcooper · 13/11/2016 17:28

YANBU OP. It is tricky as a stepmother to find the right balance between accepting your DP must do what he feels is right re his existing children, and this means putting yourself last often and not interfering, but also wanting your own feelings and needs to sometimes be acknowledged and respected by the person who is supposed to be your loving partner and teammate.

I think that if someone wants to be able to carry on putting their existing children and (bizarrely in your case) ex wife first in every single scenario without comment or question then that is absolutely their right. But they shouldn't then commit to a new partner and have another child. Once you do that, you have to be prepared to have some conversations sometimes about how to balance everyone's needs and feelings. By refusing to have that conversation with you, he is not fulfilling the reasonable duty of a partner and father IMO.

I say all this as someone who is fine with my DP seeing his ex and very rarely interferes or comments on how he parents or how much we have DSS. But you sound really reasonable in your outlook and expectations as a stepmother, and your DP is really disrespecting you by refusing to even talk things through. It's so unfair to you.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 17:28

Having time to think is good, I really am uncomfortable with the daily ExW contact if I'm honest. I thought initially we could all get on, but she does not like me at all.

I wish his daughters would visit here or see DP out. I guess DP feels he has to see them where they choose to be, but there's an insidious, creeping pull away for my DP.

For me it does help to think what do we need from DP, rather than focusing on what he shouldn't be doing. We need to feel like a family and we don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 17:31

sterling you are right, this would be fine if I and his young daughter didn't exist, but we do. I doubt a live in partner of his ExWs would stand for it.

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Roussette · 13/11/2016 17:32

I think you've hit the nail on the head there Sunflower - you need to feel like a family.

I imagine his DDs are 18 plus - surely there doesn't need to be any contact with his exW? Unless it's something urgent or practical to do with the now adult kids.

happypoobum · 13/11/2016 17:38

I agree with PP - you need to take back control here. He is "punishing you" by staying away and not saying when he will be back.

Imagine his face if you text him saying you need more time apart and you'll see him next weekend?

He sounds like a totally selfish wanker to me.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 17:40

Yes 18 plus. I've no idea why the contact with ExW at all. She was always very dependent on him, I wonder if it is so ingrained now in my DP. Although they've been separated 10 years.

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happypoobum · 13/11/2016 17:41

Separated? Are they actually divorced?

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 17:42

happy yes seriously tempted! I'm really quite angry that I still don't know when he's coming back. I'm not sure I trust myself to text or speak reasonably at all now.

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Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 17:43

Divorcing only now (that was something he promised but I had to push)

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PNGirl · 13/11/2016 17:44

He's an utter wimp who is obviously still pandering to his ex wife and her moods. I reckon the daughters treat him like a manservant because she does/did.

He's snapping at you when you raise this because a) he only has headspace for their needs and "needs" you to put up and shut up so he can cope with the demands on his time and b) he knows full well what he's doing and feels guilty.

Apologies if you mentioned this but who left whom?

happypoobum · 13/11/2016 17:45

Just text him saying "Seriously rethinking things and need time. Please do not return tonight. I will see you next weekend. Bag packed for you and on way to (brothers house?) in taxi.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 17:46

I sent a text saying he should stay away for the week! I'm just too angry at being left to talk to him. Angry

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Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 17:50

It was apparently a mutual split, but I think more my DP. She was first to get another boyfriend but none became live in or serious.

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Roussette · 13/11/2016 17:52

What is he in contact with his ExW about? There is absolutely no need whatsoever unless there is some sort of emergency. His daughters will have mobiles, they can be in contact on there. And he needs to stop the lifts, he is not making them independent is he?

Good idea sunflower. You both need some space and he needs to make amends.

Roussette · 13/11/2016 17:52

TBH they all sound like the family unit and you sound like the OW. (I know you're not but that's what it's sounding like)

happypoobum · 13/11/2016 17:54

Good! He is leaving you dangling thinking you will "come to your senses" but that's backfired because you have come to your senses in the right way.

This may all be salvageable OP, and I totally realise how much is at stake, but you sound like you have put up with so much for so long.

You and your DD deserve better. Maybe he will realise he's been treating you poorly, but you couldn't just go on as you were.

Is there anyone you can talk to in RL? Could you go somewhere for a few days or would that upset DD, in terms of needing routines etc?

PNGirl · 13/11/2016 17:55

I see. I wondered if he had left, then been made to feel bad in a "Our girls musn't suffer because of your decisions" kind of way, hence being their chauffeur.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 17:56

I'm going away next weekend to a friends, so that will help. I do feel like the OW! (Even though I met DP 5 years after they separated)

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Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 17:59

Yes he does have huge guilt issues. Even though we looked after the daughters for most of the time and paid ExW maintenance and he bought her a house. There's a reason ExW says he's the 'best ex husband ever'!

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Roussette · 13/11/2016 18:01

It sounds a bit like Fergie and Prince Andrew! Of course you want him to have a relationship with his grown up kids but he really doesn't need to have a relationship with his ex wife!

ExW sounds strong and controlling and sorry but your DP sounds a bit of a wuss.

Ldnmum2015 · 13/11/2016 18:04

Have you got any male friends you can text to come over and help you with all the things that need doing round your house? He sounds like a complete spineless idiot, I would also think about contacting social services to help you move out, as its his house. Pngirl was spot on in her post. Am glad you have something planned for next week, am glad you have some friends 😊

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2016 18:30

I think your well rid tbh. He hasen't come back, seems like he's punishing you for daring to tell him how you feel. All you did was try and have a reasonable discussion about it, if this is how he reacts, you and your dd deserve better, and are best off out of it!

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 18:38

He did text back asking if I wanted to talk. I'm just too angry right now. I really wish I did have a male friend who could come and help me out! I know it might sound petty, but I don't think DP sees how hard it is, and having a little dose of his own reality may jolt him awake.

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