Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
WankersHacksandThieves · 12/11/2016 22:49

I know you say your family aren't local but is there one person amongst them that you could pick up the phone to that you could get some moral support from?

Is he coming home tonight to talk or is he staying away again?

StripeyMonkey1 · 12/11/2016 22:52

I agree that you should look for more support for you, other than from him. That could be locally or you might even want to think about moving nearer to your family.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 00:21

Thanks I made a couple of good friends here, but they've now moved. I used to work and be independent. I guess I thought me and DP would also build a solid network of friends but it didn't happen. I miss the old me!

DP is coming back tomorrow, he's at his brothers house.

OP posts:
Mummyme1987 · 13/11/2016 00:28

Do you want him to come back?

GabsAlot · 13/11/2016 00:34

i agree its not space you need its a resolution to his actions

he thinks if he lets u stew a while you'll just get over it and he carryg on as normal

rainbowstardrops · 13/11/2016 07:58

What exactly is he giving you space from????
Is he expecting a gushing apology from you or something?
I think very few people would feel comfortable knowing their partner is constantly at the ex's house. I certainly wouldn't be happy!

PaulDacresConscience · 13/11/2016 08:30

Space? Lying git - this is avoidance. What do you need space for? He's hardly there as it is.

Roussette · 13/11/2016 09:05

The DDs sound like a couple of wet blankets (catch a bus, you are an adult!) and the ExW sounds like a harridan. How can she force her DDs to go off to Uni at 9am every day? One of my DCs had a very non tutored Uni course and she only had to go in twice a week and that was at different times every week!

I think it's make or break for you sadly OP. I would not be putting up with this. You and your DD are way down the pecking order by the sounds of it. If he's not prepared to rationally listen to how you feel, he's not worth having. He has another family - you and DD and although it's good he's in contact lots with his first two DDs, they are now adults and should be treated as such

Chops2016 · 13/11/2016 09:39

This is such an awful situation and your partner is being completely unreasonable, imo.

What is bothering me the most from what you have described is how little he seems to want to spend time with his 3yo special needs daughter! The fact he has just up and left you alone to care for her while he goes away to pout is ridiculous. You are essentially a single parent, and should be proud that at least you are bringing up your DD and giving her the love and attention she needs.

Your partner sounds very manipulative, he knows how vulnerable you are and how dependant you are on him (no family nearby, house in his name etc) and it seems like he's using that to his advantage, he likely feels assured he can treat you and your DD how he wants because he knows "you aren't going anywhere".

My advice would be to get out. I know that's a lot easier said than done, and he will likely try and manipulate and guilt you into staying, but you are obviously capable of caring for DD without him as you're doing it already! You don't need another big baby in your life throwing tantrums and causing you so much pain. He has shown with his actions he could not give a toss about how you or your daughter feel.

I really hope this all works out for you, make sure you stand your ground when he finally does come home. Don't let him manipulate you into doubting yourself. You're being a great mum and that is the #1 most important thing xx Flowers

CanuckBC · 13/11/2016 11:08

So, my question is, if this wasn't an issue do you still love him? If so, what about marital counselling? It sounds like you won't get far talking about this with just each other. A counseller will be a neutral third party and help either come to a good compromise or help you realize it's time to move on, that it won't change.

It will also help you feel like you did everything you could to salvage things. He is doing wrong by you and your DD right now. Your little family is not a priority and that is no right. His adult DDs could suck it and take the bus every other day or every third day or whatever seems right so he can spend more time at home. His exwife needs a handyman at her beck and call, not her ex husband. They are exes for a reason, he is now your DH. He needs to separate himself and only deal with his adult DD. He can easily meat them at Uni to fix computers and get books and meet for lunch. Do every other week cinema or a night out. If he wants to keep the family he has he needs to open his eyes really quickly.

I highly recommend counselling. I would if you could review, in person if possible, the counsellor first to see if they fit your needs. A god counseller is worth their weight in gold, a bad one is just makes things worse.

I hope when he comes back from his pout things go ok.

One thing I don't understand, I get you are not legall married, are you still not "owed" part of the assets ie the house even though your name is not one it due to the years of relationship and shared child??

Ldnmum2015 · 13/11/2016 11:45

When you moved, how far away was it from? It sounds like you have been hoodwinked into a relationship, you were expecting to embark on a new life with him, you thought you would be ok and make new friends which is not unreasonable when you start a family with someone, but it is essential in order for a family to function. Do you have an ex around the corner you can run to? I am guessing *no because you moved away, he sounds both spineless and manipulative and neglectful. I would start thinking of some kind of plan to enable you to find somewhere to live with your child, that is in your name, that is safe and secure, maybe a solicitor may help or social services may help with accommodation due to your childs needs.

Ldnmum2015 · 13/11/2016 12:18

Sorry I shouldn't suggest jumping the gun about starting a new life, but I feel your situation is not going to get better without him making a stand. As you are new to town, and everyone around you are excluding you, then in my opinion you are vulnerable as you have noone to turn to for support like you need now, and instead of being made to feel welcome you instead being pushed out. You are just as much entitled to have a voice, I would spend this space just thinking of a plan to move things forward if it turns out he won't to grow a pair and instead blames you......again! Good luck 😊

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2016 14:28

I agree canuk, he should not be running to his ex doing jobs for her, she can get a handyman to do that. The dds are adults, so contact directly between them, no need whatsoever to have any contact with ex. That would bother anyone, having their partner constantly round their ex, and hardly seeing them and their child. He went for a sulk, leaving you alone to look after your young dd, he better have a good excuse! For me, that would be the end of the line.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 14:33

Thanks again all I'm genuinely grateful for all your posts which I've read and taken in. I really have isolated myself which does make DPs actions even worse. He is a 'good' guy but it feels like he this to his ExW and daughters, while I struggle. It is a lot of work with SN daughter, I can't bring her to all the groups that other parents go to.

I actually do feel like enough is enough, I don't want to be fighting my corner, I want DP to adjust his view.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2016 14:41

You have to give him an ultimatum, either change or we are over. It would really bother me, and really, it would bother anybody, if their partner was frequently round their exs and doing things, that really grown up women should be doing themselves, like getting themselves to work and uni, to the detriment of his young daughter and partner. That would really bother me.

Atenco · 13/11/2016 14:45

I think whether it was the ex, his parents or his best friend who are absorbing all his time, this is no way to continue a relationship, especially when you have a child together. Something has to change.

I think you need to think through your options, one of which may well be moving back to where your friends and family are.

rainbowstardrops · 13/11/2016 15:04

Is he back yet?
Like I said earlier, he should have just reassured you that everything was fine when you spoke to him.
He didn't.
He flared up and buggered off overnight.
He knows he's not being fair on you.
The crux will be whether he stands in your corner or hers when he finally shows up.
He's actually making me really cross!

PterodactylToenails · 13/11/2016 15:20

He is taking the piss with his coming and goings and then disappearing. His children need to learn to drive if they need so much support getting anywhere by themselves. Ask him how he would feel if you were constantly hanging around one of your exes. Would he be okay with this? If he loves you he needs to consider your feelings, if he can't then there is no point in you being together. No one deserves to be second best to an ex.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/11/2016 15:41

If this was a mother ferrying their adult, non Sn sonsto uni and work, and having lift rotas with ex, there would be cries of man child! Stop doing this, they are grown adults who can blooming we'll get themselves to places, but because they are female, it's ok. It's not! Grown adults shoukd be getting themselves to places, they shoukd be handed a bus timetable, and told to get there themselves. No wonder a lot of youngsters have little or no initiative or independence.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 13/11/2016 15:53

Yes I do wonder if it would be the same if they were men. Also considering the bus is so close and convenient. It makes me think that there is no end to this daily dependency from ExW and DSDs. I never wanted to be put in a position to have to ask him to do less for them, it's a hard thing to stand up for without seeming jealous or unfair and basically, evil step mum,

I'm also getting seriously cross now, he's still not back.

OP posts:
WankersHacksandThieves · 13/11/2016 16:04

Im angry he's not back too! Angry

OP I think you need to separate out the behaviours. If he chooses to treat his grown up daughters as if they were infants, that's really up to him.

The issue is that he is not allocating enough time and energy to you and your daughter. Where he gets the extra time to allocate to you is his choice, he can work less, spend less time on his hobbies or spend less time with his ex wife and or daughters.

I'd put it from that angle personally.

WankersHacksandThieves · 13/11/2016 16:07

Added to that (emergencies excepted) I'd insist that he no longer has any relationship with his ex wife. He can deal direct with his daughters now they are adults. They should be meeting up at awards ceremonies, weddings and the like only.

DoinItFine · 13/11/2016 16:16

He is totally taking the piss out of you abd his 3 year old daughter.

No, he is not a nice guy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/11/2016 16:19

He's still not back?! Crazy. Sorry to hear that.

Frazzled2207 · 13/11/2016 16:37

All very odd and unacceptable IMO. I do have a friend whose partner is a bit like this with his children but the children are 10/12 not grown adults!
Regardless of what happens with his elder daughters he has a responsibility to you and the smallest daughter. Hope he comes back soon.

Swipe left for the next trending thread