To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

[Sunflowerspread]

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

"On the DD1 side, she is the one that even DP and ExW are worried about now. It's a long story, she lived with us full time, I was highlighting these issues for years but ExW told her not to listen to me, and DP had a go at me every time I bought it up"

So you were good enough to do her washing and clean up after her for SIX YEARS but not good enough to have an opinion. THIS is when i would have walked had it been me. Hes a user. It really boils my piss when i see women/stepmums treated like this. Im married but its why i wouldnt date a man with DC if i was single.

So he blames you to dd when he says no I can't give lift 😵. No wonder she dislikes you, he hasent been encouraging tge relationship between you too. What he should say to dd is no left this morning I am taking dd3 to nursery, I believe the number 89 bus runs near you. Get it!

Helena yes, unless my opinion was overwhelmingly positive about DD1, it was just seen as me being horrible. It did get to me a lot. A couple of times DP admitted later that I'd been saying something useful.

So you were good enough to do her washing and clean up after her for SIX YEARS but not good enough to have an opinion

Oh you are so right, Helena, as usual. A friend of mine was a step-mum of quite small children and she wasn't even allowed to correct them even though she did 90% of the care.

Go on, keep demonising the kids and his ex. It's all them, he is pure as the driven snow and he is just weak and foolishly caught in their clutches. Whilst you are the caring angel with only your child's best interests at heart.

You had a child with someone who wasn't even divorced. When you have no legal standing/claim of ownership over the house you live in. That is so irresponsible, toward yourself and toward your child. You have no claim on his estate if he dies. He can throw you out at a moment's notice and your only claim would be child support. You got sexually and romantically involved with a man who was still married.

A lot of this is on you, a lot of it is on him. A tiny little bit of it is on his ex/his kids- but they are the people who had the least choice, least agency about how all this has transpired. So you castigating his children as spoiled brats is both ridiculous and cruel.

It is just bitterness from someone who cut some corners because it was convenient at the time and now you are having to face the consequences. You brought a child into this situation. He created this situation. Deal with the results of your choices. There is a reason people are warned not to get involved with men whilst they are still married. It isn't because people are killjoys or want to spoil your fun/"chances at happiness". It's because it blows up in people's faces and leaves innocent victims- his children. All of them.

Biscuit here's one for you, as you blooming deserve it with that unhelpful and rubbish post. No she is not demonising the ex or the adult children, she is trying to get her incompetent partner to be a father to her young disabled dd, and treat her properly.

Yes the dd1 who is an adult, is behaving dreadfully, like a spoiled brat so should know now how to conduct herself, she is not a child!

The untimate person at fault here is her partner or no ex partner, who has not to balls to put in boundaries in place for ex and his dds, and to say no!

Bitterness?
He's pure as the driven snow?
Castigating his children as spoiled brats?

Wow. Just wow Biscuit.

Fuck of Biscuit

Biscuit are you the ex wife?

At the end of the day, he has a young dd who they had together, so needs to step up to the plate and be a proper father to her. He might have string op on with lies that he has a divorce or it's going through. They have been separated for a number of years. So if your not divorced your not allowed a relationship 🤔 It is what it is now and he needs to take responsibility to his young disabled dd, if he sees op as his partner, he has to bloody demonstrate it,

I don't see any demonising of the kids and his ex. It is inconsiderate to phone the father of a small child very late at night for something that is not an emergency. It is unhealthy for adult women to expect their father to drive them to university every day, but the problem is the man, nobody has blamed anyone else.

Looks like Biscuit is a member of the first wives club.

My DP came across as the ultimate in decent men when I met him, and basically, I trusted his word when he said that he would divorce by the end of the year that I moved in. It was a stipulation of mine that he did divorce, but he has 'reasons' to delay it, that at the time seemed feasible. I had a very good job offer at my home town, so it was a bit make or break, as if I took it would mean I moved back nearer my family rather than stay.

I actually saw the kids as a plus when I moved in. I quite like a family home, and I saw no reason not for us all to get on over time and work harmoniously. I liked them. They liked me. Even the ExW liked me at that stage! Then it started to creep in that DP was expected to service two households, and the kids were sent to ours anytime ExW wanted with no warning. It wasn't fair on the kids and not conducive to building good relationships in a step family.

So yes I did feel sorry for the kids, I don't blame them, I am irked by their actions, but tbh I blame both the ExW and DP for creating too much entitlement and a complete lack of boundaries. They both set the tone.

However as it's DP who has the only responsibility towards me, it's really firmly in his hands to manage this well for everyone. And I feel I've lost out.

But yes biscuit in response I won't be trusting someone to keep their word again. I'll want the 'proof' as in divorce or whatever first. I won't go near a man with any hint of ExW or kids that still seem to have any kind of hold, or a man who does have enough time or energy for me left over. I'll run a mile!

Have a Biscuit. And DFOD.

Biscuit............what bollocks. Oh i get it. The one with the penis cant be in the wrong.

I'm really struggling to see the point of your post biscuit - other than being purposely goady.

By your logic an issue in any relationship is the fault of the person who perceives it, by virtue of the fact they chose to be with that person.

The OP couldn't have possibly foreseen things would have turned out as they have. Any more than women who moves in with who they think is a charming man who then goes on to beat the crap out of them one day.

I think you should save your vitriol for the person who deserves it - the OP's "DP".

A man who doesn't live up to his promises, whose failing to parent a 3 yr old with SN's in order to infantilise his adult children and then worry about them not being independent.

His adult daughters are not angles - their behaviour to the OP who looked after them for many years is pretty damn nasty and their demands define them as self centred and thoughtless. However, they have learned from their father that this is acceptable behaviour.

The ex wife sounds very selfish. There is no way she can think that calling at 11.30 is appropriate or berating the DP into doing these lifts (yet not being willing to do so herself despite not working during the week). Her behaviour suggests she wants the world to revolve around her - again something her children seem to be copying.

Yet in all of this you point the finger at the OP . How totally bizarre....

very well said eatshit.

YYYY Eatshit totally agree.

You know what Sunflower, you have a great dignity about you.

I live for the day when those of us who don't want to be strident rule setting huns can enter into a relationship with someone and not get shafted - just because we're basically nice, decent human beings! Why do we have to morph into whatever you'd call it - semi-bitches, hardasses - whatever you'd call it - to survive and discipline rules around these types of men?!

An excellent point Pollyanna.

Thank you so much posters. It keeps me sane. I don't think I'm an angel at all.

I did have a big wobble today, I was walking with DD3 and had some news that was important. I would have shared it with DP before. I nearly asked to meet up with him to talk, but I can't really, there's no point as he is adamant in his view, and thinks I'm completely out of line.

I questioned, should I just accept the situation, he's half way through sorting finances, had even not given anyone any lifts last weekend. But the thought of this being all I can expect for years to come just makes me feel quite sick. He's also on call for work too now, so has to make calls and sometimes go in. It's just so many, many outside pressures chipping away.

I think Sunflower you have to examine any of the changes he makes and determine if they are made with genuine understanding behind them - or he's doing it just because you've told him to. If it's the latter then those sorts of changes tend to be the ones that slip back over time because there's no fundamental acceptance and ownership that they are doing something wrong in the first place.

I've often wondered what the personality type is for men like this (and surely there must be women too) but it's so often examples that I see which are men: the non resident dad who can't be bothered to see his children, the GPs who low level abuse particular grandchildren because they have GC who are and aren't favourites, the guys like your one who just cannot see the issue with their behaviour.

I've tried to figure out, what IS it that's wrong with them: Is it selfishness, is it an actual personality disorder such that their needs always trump yours (in the non-farty, non-president electy way), are they just wankers (pardon my terminology), have they got no soul... I've never figured it out.

I suppose it doesn't matter really but the issue with these types is, you spend a bloody long time trying and trying to get them to understand what you're saying - all to no avail.

I think overall many of us don't talk enough about these important topics when we start a relationship - well you tend not to don't you because you are in lurve, but we should discuss are we going to share a joint account for all the bills, are we going to write wills the second we have children, how do we want to divvy up all the household chores.

Totting up the years together with the two main fellas in my life (and of course, some of those times were good times) that's a total of 25 years of my life with, essentially, the wrong men. Beggars belief when you look at it like that.

Anyhoo, that's my ramble of the morning, just musing on some of the issues that have been thrown up by OPs posts.

Hi sunflower been lurking on this and keeping tabs. It's a shame he is who he is but as pollyanna said in her eloquent morning musings, that's just the personality type - we don't know why, all we can do is deal with the fallout.

I'm pleased he said it's fair for you to stay in the house - I think from his perspective it's a way of telling himself he's being a good, providing father - but this does need to be formalised so either you, your DD or both have absolute rights to the house. Fuck knows what he's doing with his will/the divorce, but you can almost wash your hands of all of that so long as your home and yours and your DDs security is covered that way.

This NEEDS to be sorted bc he's happy to keep you both there at the moment but what happens if and when you meet a loving generous and decent man? There's every likelihood that your (by then) ex will kick off and be able to turf you out. As such I think you need to address this with him now way before that's an issue. Couch it in terms of providing security for your SN DD, tell him you're not bothered anymore about his will or divorce and he can do whatever the fuck he wants with that, but by providing a stable (and forever) home he will be doing the right thing by your shared DD. All of that is true btw, but you absolutely don't want to be at his mercy and living off "his generosity" as it could/would be construed.

I'm pleased for your that you're starting to see the light - that this man for whatever fucked up reason - is incapable of providing a proper family life for you. One day you'll look back and realise this has all make you stronger, but it must be so hard to have to deal with now.

Thank you icy and Polly. I have been musing on these things myself in a way to make sense of my situation, which seems important now that I have to maintain a strong course one way or another. I'm not someone who can do that blindly.

One of my main feelings about my DP is that he has for a long time put our relationship firmly in the 'half way house' category. Yet with his first marriage he was ridiculously over the top committed. Of course I know that's just my viewpoint, but he worked from home, he worked part time in order to look after his oldest child, his wife never worked, he had no outside commitments at all. Not one. Her name on the house deeds no question. He took over everything the minute he came home. Everything, including night feeds.

I thought at first that he was reacting against this with me, not wanting to ever be in that position again. I suppose one big difference is that I've had to ask for change, so he feels emasculated perhaps. Whereas in his first marriage his wife was just helpless and it was his decision to step in. I've been pretty self contained my whole life so that just isn't me.

My DP does seem quite unusual as a person. Sometimes I wonder if he can actually empathize at all. His thinking is very rigid and inflexible. He is wedded to being the good guy image. I kind of think it would suit him to break over this, as he can tell people that he's just trying to do his best by everyone, that I was ridiculous and petty over a lift for his daughter.

He's said that he wants to be able to stay in the house sometimes when he can't stay anywhere else. I'm just not happy about that. I said that I'd just have no option but to go somewhere else, as it's not fair on DD having a tense atmosphere. He says he can't get anywhere to stay over Xmas and New Year, so again I'm going to have to stay with my family longer, even though I find it stressful for too long with DD who kind of needs home.

I do think he's always going to see this as 'his home' that he generously lends to me. I'll need to see a solicitor I think and think that through.