To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

[Sunflowerspread]

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

As an aside, there are probably plenty of times that you/your DD has been used as a reason as to why he can't do something for them. It's divide and rule 101, play both ends off against the middle, always have another place to "legitimately" be else to go if things get uncomfortable somewhere

Gosh, Ninja, this rang a bell with me. My dd has a half-sister and he used to always talk about her half-sister in a way that made it sound like he did everything for her and made my dd quite upset and jealous. Then one day we met up with said sister and her mother, turned out he did the same with her. And, in truth, he wasn't doing anything for anyone except himself.

He also couldn't cope with children. He finally stepped up to the plate with dd when she became an adult.

OP, there is nothing in your thread that suggests that, but I do wonder

Thanks, I did outline to him a few weeks ago how much these 'lifts' were impacting on us - it absolutely did not get through at all. I imagine if I wrote it out he'd just reject it as me being eaten up with hate or something.

It's just made me realise how much our relationship is just not in a good place. DP does have many lovely traits - however the core is not being negotiated or shared between us - we are so far from a team.

I actually emailed him what I imagined future arrangements would be - he had said we needed to meet to chat about this and I didn't want to - I want a clean break if possible.

But as he already seemed to be happy with one way I based them totally on what he now does for his Ex and older daughters - i.e. I would expect him to take DD3 to school every morning, and a weekend club, even if I had a car and it was parked outside.

That this would be until she was well into her 20s if not longer. I said that if this is what he wants then I'd just carry on in the same vein. He told me that it was all beneath me, and that I was being sarcastic. I actually wasn't.

sunflower your flogging a dead horse with this one and deep down you know it. Yes he has lovely traits, but in the same vein a few undesirable ones which are impacting on your relationship, and him being a propef father to dd. Really tbh, he does not see a problem and is not prepared to change for the long term. You can tell him all you like, but if he is not action ing it and making serious long term changes, your back to where you were and going round in circles.,

Polly. Wow yes. I think this particular incident that sparked me off is harder to explain - asking him not to take his DD1 for one morning - it can seem that I'm just overreacting. Yet it is 7 years - 5 days a week now that I've accomodated this and one morning 'off' to just take us instead isn't over reacting.

He has accused me of the same when I bought up finances earlier this year. He kept saying that there was no point in divorcing until we were in a solid position as a couple. And because we kept having fights... However this was because I was asking for things like the divorce! Then it has become more obvious to me that I am last on his list. And despite him clearly saying he'd been to a solicitor etc I haven't actually seen any will, my name on the house, a divorce or anything like that yet.

To that I would respond that his inability to say anything other than accuse me of "sarcasm" (what's wrong with that anyway?!) clearly meant I'd hit a nerve. I'd then use the ex-wife's line that you will be doing everythinge else so the least he can do as a father is be a free taxi.

WTF?! If they're split then they're split and should have divorced long ago. What the fuck was he thinking - that you might break up so then he might not want to be divorced from ex-wife any more?

Atenco I lived with DD1 full time and had DD2 every weekend for years, they were quite competitive with each other for DPs attention, but I have to say DP seemed uncomfortable about standing up to them, esp DD1. DD1 could really talk down to him. DD1 moved out because I asked her to be a bit more civil, she was ignoring DD3 and me unless she wanted something. DD1 went straight to DP about me asking her sobbing that she couldn't live with me anymore. I hadn't raised my voice, I hadn't had a go at her, I'd just said we need to live in harmony. DP sided with DD1 and had a go at me. So I don't think he plays us off.

Forget you and him, what has he done to make sure his disabled dd is provided for. I would be asking for proof, or has he no intention of providing for her! Just goes to show how down the list even though she's a child and has disabilities. He prioritises his ex, and adult non disabled dds above yiu dd, disgusting!

Right, just reading the above, this will only continue, and destroy your relationship eventually. Dd1 sounds like a blooming spoiled brat who needs to be told how to behave. This is a no brainier, with yiur partner behaving this way it's not going to end well.

The thing is, he will always choose his dds over you and your dd. He has demonstrated this. I have read of a similar situation to yours, but the lady did not have a child. The relationship limped on for 20 years, before the husband dumped her for his dds. This really shou,d have happened years ago, she was bitter has she missed any chance finding love and having kids, and wasting it trying to salvage a relationship that should have ended months after it started. Let this not be you in 20 years time.

Similar thing with my mum and dad, dad was married before and has a dd who was 22 and married before I was born. Dad always put her first, and would side with Jane, not her. The situation was not as bad as yours, but it caused problems in their marriage, there was always a third person, Jane! Dad died when I was 11, but they would have divorced had he not.

Oh I'm sorry your Dad died when you were so young aeroflot. How sad though that he put his older DD first.

I've started to think about that. How will DD3 feel as she gets older? It's difficult as we don't know how much she'll understand. DP feels he's around but he's not really.

I lost 5 years in my last relationship, it's not worth it - you just bang your head against a brick wall and get nowhere. I firmly believe - and know now - that if they're going to change it will happen straight away.

I think staying 'feels' secure but actually it's a falsehood which when you start to see that, it makes it a bit easier to start the process of thinking about exit strategies (if that's how someone decides to go).

Do you have a clear idea on your next steps - are you going to get Christmas and New Year finished first, try a bit of a timeout and time to think?

And you know re the idea of you 'setting a precedent' by putting up with it for so long? Who could have imagined this scenario?! How could you have detected this personality flaw or known the long term implications when you met? It doesn't matter anyway you DID tell him by highlighting a perfect example of his inequity - he could have stepped back and said "Oh my god I'm so sorry I've been such an idiot'. He didn't. The timing is no excuse at all. He's been and continues to be utterly selfish to the core even when it's been pointed out to him.

Thanks so much sunflower, it was like Jane said jump, and dad said how high. Though he did so much for me and was a great dad, Jane still managed to come between them emotionally. One example is that dad's Aunt used to favour Jane over me and my mum (might be because mum was from abroad), dad never stuck up for me with his Aunt, and would down play it. Or ignore it, when Jane was mean to me. However she lived about 80 miles away with her dh and kids, so never saw her that much, and dad was not as doormat like as your partner. But it did affect my mums relationship with my dad, and put a strain on it.

Jane still gets in between her two adult ds, and their partners. She is nasty and is horrid to be around, and will stamp her feet if she does not get her own way, alas, her two sons have to pander to her, at the detriment of Jane's ex dh (the boys dad), and the boys partners. I think eventually, your partners dd1 will be like Jane as an mature adult. I am NC with Jane, and have been for 13 years, she wanted to dictate who I could invite to my wedding, and I told her to do one, she stamped her feet and stormed off. I hear about Jane and her behaviour from family.

Jane is not her real name btw. But your partner will be pandering to his dds all of his life, it has already put a strain on your relationship so much so that you told him it was over, and that your disabled dd and yourself are at the bottom of the pile when it comes to his attention and time.

I know its the DM, but this is the story I came across, and it sounds a bit familiar, but without the child involved.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-4039138/Why-wicked-stepmums-like-deserve-lonely-Christmas-broke-woman-s-family-man-destroyed-life-read-devastating-mea-culpa.html

I know the circumstances of this are slightly different, your not the OW and she does not have kids. But the crux of it is, he will always be loyal and choose his dds over you, which he has done. Don't waste your life on this relationship. Unfortunately your partner for whatever reason, does not hold your dd on the same mantel as his adult dds, and that is sad, but not your dds fault or problem. Move on and make a more positive and happy life for you and your dd, and mabey in the future, you might meet someone who will be the partner you want and need.

I did feel personally invested in the girls for a while, as they were around so much for years. I knew I wasn't a mother replacement, and had to tread carefully. I think I was very naive, DP and his Ex had separated for at least 5 years and ExW had a BF when I arrived, so I thought the boundaries would be settled. DDs seemed to genuinely like me. DP seemed to be really wanting to commit again, it was him that pursued me and convinced me to be serious and move in.

aeroflot it's funny how adults cannot always see that children have a keen eye for what is fair or not - that your Dad ignored your Aunt and Jane being so mean. I had to pull up DD1 for being mean to DD3 yet DP also did not see that either.

Exactly, sounds the same. He would not hear a bad word against Jane, and would get horribly defensive and nasty to my mum when she challenged him about it.

Also, he is still not ready emotionally for another relationship, whilst he is at ex house, doing chores for her, and pandering to his adult DDS, he hasent cut the apron strings yet, I think still thinks of ex and his dds as the main family unit.

And you and your dd are meant to fit in his life somewhere. It's like he is still emotionally with his ex, and your the OW. Even though you are not of course.

Jane used to stirr trouble and play dad off against mum. We now joke that she is found in the middle of trouble

Yes I'm not surprised it was DD1 who insisted on a lift on Friday, even though I'm sure DP clearly told her that he wasn't taking them. At least three other occasions she has gone to DP and cried, when he has told her he can't do something because of me. He then gives in. DD2 does have a little awareness I think of other peoples needs, she wouldn't do that.

Oh it's all so wasteful really isn't it. No one at all wins here. Not me. Not DP. Not DD3. And not the other DDs, I mean, all that not giving them so many lifts would do was encourage a bit more independence. Yet here we are, quite a few peoples lives shattered for the moment.

He did stop going in Exes house in the last month though, after our conversation. He also reduced the calls and contact.

But it's the anger and creep back of the 5 week plus daily lifts that has got to me.