I'm not saying he's right. But I am saying that that is how he sees it, and it will be nigh on impossible to change that. It's not about whether you are sane/reasonable, or how much you contributed to his first family.
You did all those things, without, to his way of thinking, making it explicit that you wanted corresponding consideration/ in return. So he will refuse to see it like that, as reasonable flux and flow over time, repose to changing circumstances, give and take.
Actions speak louder than words to him, and that is also how you should interpret him. His actions say inflexible, selfish, blind to the needs of others.
I would say his ex and his dd have accepted his decision to have you in his life. But they have probably handled it better, well better in terms of knowing how to get what they need/want from him. They don't give an inch, they don't heed words. They make their position clear and stick to it, come hell or high water.
They do not pay up front with favours and help and expect it to be returned later. And they are spot on with that. This might not be because they are spoilt bitches, but because they know him and are realistic about who he is- they accept him and get on with it.
They have got the measure of him far better than you do. I'm sure they didn't want there to be a second family any more than you want him to be continued to be involved ina first. They had less choice in it than you did, but they have got on with it better. Probably because they had no choice and saw his harshness/selfishness all at once when the family broke up rather than a slow drip feed. Maybe his ex started of like you did, and got to know him over the course of their marriage and has worked out how to handle him the hard way.
And yet again on MN, it's two females/families slinging it out, over a man who hasn't really put the needs of either family first.
To me, it's quite likely that he continues to give his DDs lifts etc because that works for him, not them. It's not them who are spoiled, it is him. He doesn't want to deal with a child with special needs, probably even to face up to the fact of a special needs child and they are a convenient excuse.
It gets him out of the house so he doesn't have to deal with the reality of you daughters needs, or your needs (both of which he sees as demands by the way, not needs- you cope and get it done without him, so to his mind, you don't need his help).
As an aside, there are probably plenty of times that you/your DD has been used as a reason as to why he can't do something for them. It's divide and rule 101, play both ends off against the middle, always have another place to "legitimately" be else to go if things get uncomfortable somewhere.
The following bit is callous. I don't admire this way of thinking, but I suspect it is an element of what features in your husband's decision making. He also maybe figures that if he goes out of his way to help them now, they are more likely to be able to look after/help him in his dotage, more able to than a child with special needs ever will be. So he is investing his time where he is likely to see a return in old age. Your daughter won't be able to help him, and you will either be gone or still caring for your DD, so you're not a smart investment. To him, time with you and your daughter is just a waste, there is no future ROI. It's a harsh and horrible way of thinking, but that is what his actions are saying. Parents are supposed to love their disabled children unstinted these days. It a lot don't, because they are too selfish to do that. It's not a pretty attitude, no-one likes to speak about it now because it is dreadful but it is there. That's why things like nazi eugenics and Spartans leaving sickly abides to die of exposure were ever things. Because some people see illness, weakness and vulnerability and respond not with care but with callousness or even viciousness.
I would stop thinking of his daughters and ex being spoilt/selfish/demanding, and start seeing the true source of that dynamic- him.