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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
WankersHacksandThieves · 22/11/2016 16:17

DD said thanks very much but then refused to eat it with us, took it back to her house...

And how did she get it back to her house? Did he interrupt his own dinner to take her home or did she insist on taking her meal out of the take-away and being dropped of first?

Personally I'd have told her to fuck off and do without. Maybe he needs to ask for his balls back from his ex-wife.

I'm sure that if he put his foot down his DDs would take the huff for a few years and then come round or then maybe they wouldn't, but it doesn't sound like that would be any real loss.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/11/2016 16:27

Looks like his dds are turning into his ex, he needs to start growing a pair, or 3 women will be running his life. I wod have told dd that she will not take the takeawY back, either she eats it St yours with everyone, or has none at all, really rude behaving like a child. Op you sound absolutely lovely.

Somewhereundertheduvet · 22/11/2016 16:48

How about the DD's earn their lifts by doing some babysitting for you?
Then you and DH can go out for some valuable time together?

Giselaw · 22/11/2016 19:52

With all due respect op, you're making up excuses for him. It doesn't matter if his wife is this or that - he is an adult and he has no problem standing up to you and telling you "no" now does he? Hmm

Giselaw · 22/11/2016 19:55

And, his daughters have learned how to get what they want from him via their mother's example. All three of them get what they want out of him and even if you managed to extricate the wife, his two daughters will not change. Why should they? He's a willing participant and sees no issue with the way they treat him and use him.

Foxysoxy01 · 22/11/2016 20:44

I have read your thread and really feel for you, what a shit situation all round really.

In the nicest possible way do you think there might still be some feelings on his side for the exwife? It just seems crazy he is so willing to put up with her behaviour and happy to see her so much when she is an ex wife for a reason iyswim.

It's very odd he is over there mending things etc for her. Especially when he is doing all this at the detriment to your relationship.

I think his kids are just following their mothers example and have no respect for him. I'm not sure he has very much respect for himself TBH if he is allowing himself to be treated the way he is.

It's also really worrying that he is still putting his ex above you and your DD even though he knows how you feel and that it may ruin your relationship he still can't put you and DD at the same level as his kids and above ex.
You deserve to be someone's number 1 as does your DD.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 22/11/2016 23:20

And how did she get it back to her house? Did he interrupt his own dinner to take her home or did she insist on taking her meal out of the take-away and being dropped of first? Yes she insisted on taking her meal out of the take-away and being dropped off first. It made me feel sad for DP, not only just a taxi, but a take away delivery service too.

That is what is frustrating about my situation. I can't seem to get across that the daily 'trips' that get so faffed about with, and often result in 'extra favours' - these are not quality time DP spends with his DDs.

And yet because it is 7 days a week, it just impacts on everything. Never seeing him in the morning. Never being able to do anything in the weekend as 'DD needs lift to/from work' - which takes my DP at least an hour each time. I've gone with him sometimes and the DDs barely talk to him.

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 22/11/2016 23:24

How about saying instead of these jobs his does for everyone, he could swap that for a whole family meal one night a week. Where everyone can have proper me time rather than sat in a car time.
If he doesn't see the value, I'd not be impressed.
I think it's already been mentioned but tot up how much time his older girls get, how much your DD gets and how much time you get with him. Ask him how he feels about it.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 22/11/2016 23:25

foxy I don't know, possibly he has feelings of needing to still be a husband. He has hopeless boundaries and huge guilt, even though he did everything for her. He'll often say 'She just finds things harder than you do' (to me about things like paying for stuff by credit card online), or 'I need to keep the peace with her'.

She also most definitely makes sure that she lets him know that if he does NOT do any of these things, he is a crap father. He is particularly wary of not doing enough for his DDs because I think on some level he feels quilty about starting a new family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 22/11/2016 23:26

Fuzzy Yes I did say that to him several months ago. And recently. I've invited them a lot. He just mumbles that 'they have their own lives', and once got angry with me saying that it was none of my business.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 22/11/2016 23:37

He's a lost cause OP. Let him go and live in a boxroom by himself while he supports you financially, then he can be a free taxi all he wants.

Fact is he doesn't think you'll actually give him the boot. I think he underestimates you.

fuzzyfozzy · 23/11/2016 00:25

If he can't see that everyone should 'share the time then it feels like your fighting a loosing battle.
I'd let him know what would keep you in the relationship then see if he 'fights for you?'

IMissGrannyW · 23/11/2016 00:32

But can he not see that he's being a crap father to his newest DD?

AND a crap partner to you - you do deserve better, Sun.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion · 23/11/2016 01:25

Oh OP. I have read this whole thing and, without anything particularly helpful to add, just wanted to say how sorry to hear how awful you've been treated.

You are an incredibly strong person, and you will continue to be without him Flowers

HelenaDove · 23/11/2016 01:27

Ah so he has no problem standing up to you then. I smell a whole lotta bullshit OP.

If it were me id be starting to think his ex wife has got something on him.

I could not even let a man like this touch me. My fanjo would shrivel up at the very thought.

Taylor22 · 23/11/2016 01:57

He does not need to go to ExW house. These are not small children. He can absolutely set up boundaries with them. He's choosing not to.
He can inform them that as they are now adults that his relationship with their mother is over. It's all down to them. He will not step foot in the house. They can meet in a neutral place with you sometimes as well or they can coke to your house.
He can still pick them up sometimes but they also need to get up and get themselves there as well.
OP. You are the OW. He never really left her. But he still needs a warm body at night.
He is just not that into you or your daughter. He is a shit father. 1. Because he's managed to raise two ridiculously incompetent beings. And 2. Because you can't be a good father to some of your children. You're either good to them all or you're failing.
Please please go and see a solicitor. You can have a claim to a portion of that property. Find out exactly what you will be entitled to. He will never change. He's to pathetic. Do you think he'd do this for you and your daughter? He won't. You leaving will just mean the earache is gone and he can throw himself onto the floor for them to truly stamp all over him.
You deserve so much better. You're daughter deserves better. You have a responsibility to make sure she gets better.

SoTheySentMeA · 23/11/2016 07:14

How are you today Sunflower? Is he still staying elsewhere?

Roussette · 23/11/2016 07:55

Dropping two entitled morose madams off at Uni is not being a good father! What is he on? FFS they have a half sister, do either of them show even an ounce of interest in her, your daughter?

I would be losing total respect for him. I doubt ExW is as useless as he is making out, of course she can manage something online, she has two DDs to help her if she is slow at it. She's just pulling his strings

Aeroflotgirl · 23/11/2016 07:57

Exactly, he can stand up to you, and get huffy with yiu, but not his ex. Tgey are adults, so he can set boundaries, if they chose to ignore this, well too bad. Op you can stay in this dreadful situation, or forge a new life on yiur own. You can do it. Yes I woukd be lutting my foot down that dd is provided for, and insist he put tge house you are living in to her!

Aeroflotgirl · 23/11/2016 07:59

Yes it looks like you have to scream and stamp your feet to get what you need from him.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/11/2016 08:11

I think he's made his decision, it's with them. He has made no effort to properly and adequately sit down with you and address and action the issues. It sounds as though it is over really, and you need to mAke sure your dd is provided for by her father, and move on for both your sakes. This is a screwed up dynamic, and he has shown you he is not prepared to change.

Chimpfield · 23/11/2016 08:24

So sorry you are having to go through this OP x

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 23/11/2016 10:11

He's back at the house but in the spare room, as his brother doesn't want him kipping there anymore. We are at a stalemate as I don't really want him back. Nothing is resolved.

One thing that is really bugging me, the way he seems to be able to say no to me but not his ExW or daughters. He'd always give me a lift, but not spend a complete day with me and DD. We never do anything together anymore. I'm not sure he gets how relationships work, doing stuff for people is all he does.

OP posts:
mouldycheesefan · 23/11/2016 10:14

Unfortunately your relationship is going nowhere. I would move on.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 23/11/2016 10:17

Yes I do feel at the absolute end of my tether. He says DD is his world but in reality she's continually losing out in small but significant chunks of time with her Dad. Chipping away so that there is little of her father left for her. I feel sad for her.

At the moment it wouldn't be that different if we separated.

OP posts:
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