To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

[Sunflowerspread]

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

Op from what you have said recently, this is how its going to be, he is not likely to change, and sounds like its so ingrained, that he cannot change. If you stay, this is going to be how its going to be. Even with you keeping him away, he is still not getting it, and that is the problem. No only has he failed to include your dd in his will, this is unlikely in the future, but he is no father to her, getting the dregs at the end of the day, after he's helped ex and his adult dds. That is not acceptable and I think the penny is dropping. You and your dd deserve better than this, I personally would exit. Start looking at places to rent, and housing association, getting out of there tbf. Contact CAB, to see what your entitled to, and regarding your housing situation.

I wouldn't move out or look for alternative options. I would said him that you want to remain in the house and you want stability and certainty for your DD. If he's not prepared/able to do this emotionally now, he can do so financially, by transferring the house to you and DD and continuing to pay for it and providing additional support you and DD. Once DD is at school and you're able to work/earn you can reassess what the amounts look like (you may decide that he still has to cover part of mortgage and obviously pay support towards DD but you take on the rest etc).

Because you're not married you have very limited rights. As such I would do my utmost to be fairly reasonable - which extends to not fighting/shouting or making more demands on his time etc - and ensure you get yourself into a financially stabler position. You're not forcing him to divorce or do a will; you're making him sign a TR1 and telling him he's to find alternative accommodation. Doing a Will is difficult. Signing a form isn't.

From everything you've said about him, he sounds like someone who will avoid confrontation at all costs and I think you have to use that to get yourself on a more stable keel.

If you get solicitors/CAB etc involved, they can make the whole process much more adversarial and he might dig his heels in - especially as XW will then no doubt hear all about it and goad him to fight etc. I would keep it all very straight and unemotional, but with the house and financial support as your outcome.

icy in an ideal world that would be great but he's going to need somewhere to live as well. Therefore his salary will need to cover two households.

Whilst I think getting legal advice is really important I also think being realistic is also key, otherwise you're setting yourself up for more stress.

I agree Banble it is highly unlikely he will agree to this. Why should op not make demands on his time, he is meant to be her partner and her dd dad. Strange post from Icy.

Hi OP just wanted to say hi and give u a big hug. Feel so sad for the situation u find yourself in. Seems like ur partner is only sleeping in your house and gives all his time and attention to your primary family. So sad that he doesn't seem to have much time for his own daughter esp as she is SN and you his partner.

I totally understand it's a tricky situation and maybe he has a lot of guilt but this is not acceptable. You don't seem to do anything together as a family and he gives u so little support and love. It's so disrespectful of him to not help u at all at home or spend weekends together as a family.

Stand ur ground. If u don't, he'll walk all over u for rest of ur life. You deserve better and u deserve to be loved and cherished and supported x

How on earth does he justify not divorcing his ex OP?
You certainly are better off without him

I didn't mean it to be a strange post- I just take the view that the OP should try to get the support that would be entitled to her if they were married. Presumably he has been keeping 2 households for 10 years since leaving (sort of) his ex-wife.

I also don't think the first reaction should be to involve lawyers, because it will get very expensive and very adversarial very quickly (that's how they make their money afterall). If you take a reasonable approach and get him to acknowledge he's got duties the OP stands more chance of getting her future secured. If it all comes to nothing then certainly see what is legally available (not a lot).

The guy spends all his time with the ex wife and kids at their house, and the amount of time he's "home" (does he even see it as home? Or isn't her house his home and the house with the OP and little DD some sort of stopgap?) he might as well rent a bedsit - he's never there!

I just think try to in the least adversarial way and with the least conflict get yourself secure. You could pitch it as "give the house to me and DD and then you don't need to worry about providing for us/her in your will and we won't need to go through lawyers/CMS or any of that". I don't see why the OP should move into some godawful local authority housing and have to struggle? The law isn't set up for unmarried mothers, more's the pity.

Presumably he has been keeping 2 households for 10 years since leaving (sort of) his ex-wife.

To be fair we don't know the financial setup so can't assume this is entirely the case. If it is it makes it more unlikely he'll be too happy to add a third household!

Also to add another spanner into the works if he owns the house and isn't divorced, it's possible that his house will be part of the marital assets pot and will be part of their divorce. So may not be as simple as signing it over.

I think you post is well meant but a little too simplistic. Any agreement made without legal reinforcement isn't worth anything long term.

Doesn't sound like the divorce will ever go through given what's happened to date.

I'd want to keep it as simple as possible in the first instance... don't ask don't get and all that. It's all a negoitatiaon and it can be formally documented later on if needs be.

The OP said she didn't think he'd want to cut her or DD off or chuck her out the house. If he turns and starts to take a more aggressive approach (which sounds out of character, given how browbeaten he is around the ex) then certainly turn to legal professionals.

I've witnessed a very messy and adversarial divorce, and have seen what the lawyers do to wind both parties up. If you can come to a satisfactory arrangement and then if you need to, go together to a local solicitor to document a contract that will save so much time, stress and money - - why spend thousands of pounds on solicitors when it could go to DD etc?

Just me, I have a deep mistrust of the law and would far rather sort it out as amicably as possible whilst getting yourself as secure as you can

I understood they had recently started the divorce process so I think it's in play. When it will be finalised is a different matter though.

This is why you need legal advice because your situation is complex. You don't want to make an amicable agreement with him and then have the rug pulled out from under you if it turns out she does have a claim on the house.

Whilst it's expenaive you need legal advice to know where you stand.

Adversarial or not you can't be walking in with just hope when negotiating.

Only read a couple of posts but with my ex's first wife ... No kids, he basically gave her everything, walked away and started again. Met me 3 years later. I thought given the history is be fine. Oh no. I've had to fight tooth and nail for everything. Nearly 4 years later it's still dragging on and on. Assume nothing. Equally I've found legal advice a waste of time, you can do it all yourself online.

Bramble I agree the OP should get something nailed down - that's why having the house transferred to her name would be the best solution. With family law it's all a matter of individual negotiation, there are no hard and fast rules, it's entirely situation-dependent and also how the judge feels on the day. The OP hasnt got the right to anything apart from child maintenance. That's why now is the time for her to secure what she can and get it nailed down (and the only thing that would do that is secure her home). It sounds like as OP backs away from her relationship, the partner isn't going to push to get any further on the divorce, given circumstances to date.

The uk law around exwives is utterly OTT. It's entirely paternalistic, and gives them everything. Why do you think so many Russians and other oligarch/millionaire come here to get divorced? And yet conversely the uk law has effectively zero protections in place for cohabitees/unmarried couples. It's shocking - - and this is why I think the OP should try to come to an amicable result 'offline' - because if she went to court they'd give her fuck all.

I totally disagree the uk law gives the ex wife everything, not my recent experience at all

Thanks everyone. I do need to look into the financial situation, it feels very precarious. When I met DP he was adamant, more than me about commitment at first, said he was divorcing his ExW and wanted to marry me. However it just got all very delayed until my faith in him has waned.

Really he should of divorced her straight away or after you got pregnant, you still have rights though as a co-habitee, mother of his child etc. Have you managed to talk to him yet, were is he staying?

Have you sent that email to him Sun?

I sent the email to him yesterday and saw him briefly at the weekend. He looked quite down and said that he didn't appreciate me enough. However he hasn't replied to any of the specific questions at all and when I asked him he just said that he liked giving his kids lifts. So I'm not sure anything has changed.

No I don't think it has changed sunflower, he sounds very beaten down and controlled by ex, but that is not you and your dds problem. I see this carrying on for the future, he is not able to change and stand up to her.

So is it is plan to keep on looking sad until you take pity on him and say things can continue as they have been?

Not a great plan IMO. He must be REALLY wary of his Ex. He's obviously terrified to upset her.

But you're right to insist he puts you and DD higher on his list of priorities. OF COURSE his likes giving his kids lifts. And he should continue to do so. But he should also be reading his other child a story and be being a part of her life.

he just said that he liked giving his kids lifts OH ffs

Lots of things I liked doing when I didn't have the responsability of a small child, I didn't keep them up regardless, to her detriment.

He sounds weak and pathetic, this will be your life if you stay with him I am afraid!

Tbf I would be using the time away from him, looking at housing options and moving out of there, as it will be the same in another 5 years for you. It does not sound like he has the will to change anytime soon. You and your dd deserve better.

What a spineless twat. My worry for you is the insecurity... no name on house etc.

I agree with Icy. I'd also start using the tactics his wife uses in him. They clearly work.

They do clearly work giselaw. If I said I couldn't cope and he needed to be home at 6pm, and needed a lift most mornings to get out of the house myself, and went on and on at him, screaming at him, then he'd probably listen but also feel 'torn between two needs'.

I think ExW saying that the 2x daily lifts is the only thing he does for his DDs has got under his skin. Unfortunately I think through this he has lost a relationship with his DDs, the more he skivvies for them on stuff that they could easily do themselves, the less they seem to have any care for him. Two weeks ago I said we should all get a takeaway to encourage the girls to come over, and to get it when he'd picked up DD from work, DD said thanks very much but then refused to eat it with us, took it back to her house...