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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/11/2016 10:35

Sunflower, words are easy to say, they can just come out, but actions speak louder than words I amafraid. There is very little action at.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/11/2016 11:10

I would consider forcing the situation by asking him to leave. I know he can't go back to his brother's and so has 'nowhere to go' - and I think it would be good for him to have that thought crystallised for him. He needs to be in a position which cannot be swept under the carpet. It will take something that extreme for him to face reality. Sad

SouthWindsWesterly · 23/11/2016 11:19

Sorry OP. His head is in the sand and unfortunately he is far happier saying no to you than his old family. It doesn't seem like he's willing to face up and address the problems.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 23/11/2016 11:22

This is called having your cake and eating it. He's basically straddling 2 family homes.

sterlingcooper · 23/11/2016 11:28

Can't he even agree to cutting back on either the weekend lifts (and associated hanging around at ex's house time) or the weekday lifts (and associated hanging around at ex's time)? Is he really unwilling to budge an inch?

LaContessaDiPlump · 23/11/2016 11:37

If you can't change his behaviour, change your own (i.e. leave). Seems like the only option I'm afraid. Sorry op.

On your way out, point out to him that you assume his daughter will see him much more frequently once he doesn't actually live with her. After all, daughters in an intact family home can be safely ignored while daughters with separated parents must be danced attendance upon night and day.

ReggaeShark · 23/11/2016 12:20

Everything Taylor22 said. So sorry Sun.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 23/11/2016 12:36

I know I feel sad but angry too. Sad. I've actually just contacted him as I can just see this drifting on, then me just accepting him back.

I said that I didn't think it was a good idea for him to just drift back in. But that if he is staying this week I need a lift with DD for the next two mornings, (which will mean he won't be able to take DDs), he needs to take DD to a group on Saturday, and we need Sunday just to ourselves with no other commitments at all. I said if his DDs want to come over for dinner at the weekend that would be fine.

I've heard nothing back yet. I shouldn't have to be nervous about suggesting this, it's an absolute minimum. And I shouldn't have to spell it out again.

OP posts:
CruCru · 23/11/2016 13:22

I know it doesn't feel like it but you are actually doing well. You've taken action and are coping with looking after your daughter full time, with no help. Well done.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 23/11/2016 13:32

Thanks cru. My DP hasn't even replied, surely what I have asked if reasonable enough. I need someone who just says 'yes sure, fine' and then has an open discussion where he doesn't get angry. This is the fate of his relationship ffs!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/11/2016 14:15

Op why your fighting a loosing battle, you now have to put your dd and yourself first. It seems like you cannot change him and unless you make tough decisions on both your behalfs, this will continue. You and dd will always be at the bottom of the pile, is that what you want for yourselves.

NotWeavingButDarning · 23/11/2016 15:23

Agree. Sorry but it sounds like you're flogging a dead horse here. Even if he agrees to address all your concerns (and it doesn't sound like he will), he may behave more reasonably for a few weeks and then fall back into his current pattern of behaviour.

Pick your battles, OP. This one could easily grind you down and you should be focusing on making sure you and your DD will be sorted for the future.

Bambamrubblesmum · 23/11/2016 15:52

I agree with the others. It sounds like it's over he just hasn't got the balls to end it fairly. He's wanting you to be 'the bad guy' so he can go on being a victim of domineering women.

He's actually being a very poor father to all of them. Emotionally he's doing no parenting at all. He's just doing tick lists of jobs to make him think he's being a good guy. I bet his daughters don't think very highly of him either so don't respect him as a parent.

You are going to have to be the one who says enough is enough.

AgathaF · 23/11/2016 15:56

For whatever reason, he is not prepared to give you and your youg DC priority or an equal amount of time. It seems that he is possibly prepared to stretch himself even thinner to accommodate you both a little more, but not at the expense of his other family. I say 'other family' deliberately because that is what they appear to be.

His temper towards you is unacceptable, and not the way to behave in an equal relationship.

He's shown he's going to continue to enable his ex to make unreasonable demands, and to allow his older DC to come before his younger DC.

You need to decide where you go from here because I can't see him changing. So you need to decide to either accept the dregs, or move on to a new life with your DD.

onelastpigout · 23/11/2016 16:00

The EX W is treating him as if he is still her husband and he's letting her.
It's embarrassing.
He's with you now and there's no way he should be doing odd jobs for her.
She also sounds manipulative in a ''it's not really for me, it's for your daughters' benefit if you fix x y and z around the house'

You absolutely shouldn't put up with this shocking behavior.

onelastpigout · 23/11/2016 16:01

OK, I've just read some more and see things have moved on a bit.

ummizoomi · 23/11/2016 21:04

Poor you OP. I just wanted to say I feel so sorry for what ur going through. No one deserves that. Hope he realises what he is putting you and DD through x

SoTheySentMeA · 24/11/2016 23:49

This must be utterly exhausting for you Sunflower. I really hope he comes to his senses and prioritises you and DD. Its so sad otherwise Flowers

IMissGrannyW · 25/11/2016 16:22

I'm so sorry for how this is panning out. I honestly thought it was fixable back down the thread. Flowers

I do hope longterm things work out better for ALL of you.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 26/11/2016 11:03

Thank you again all posters.

I did eventually have another conversation. DP did start to see a couple of my points. He was adamant that he like giving DDs lifts still, and could not equate that to time lost daily and rarely seeing his daughter. He also said that he needed a relationship with his ExW.

However, when I got him to tell me about his last encounters with ExW, which he was convinced were necessary, he admitted that these weren't really important matters. It's the first time ever he didn't just get defensive.

I think what hit him is when I kept saying that daily visits to ExW were making me think what is the point of us. Also what seemed to impact him was saying that currently we see him so little in the week that I'd rather be on my own.

I'm still not massively hopeful but this is the first time he's shown any awareness. It's taken him the reality of me kicking him out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 26/11/2016 11:03

Apologies for bad grammar.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 26/11/2016 11:39

Op why the hell does he need a relationship with his ExW? His kids are not grown, there is no need for him to maintain that relationship. Sorry he sounds like a bloody wet blanket, and you both would do better without him. He is diverting the issue, when you ask him about his encounters with his Ex, and is not honest. Did you address the issue of his will? And providing for his dd as well. Sorry his behaviour would be a dealbreaker.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/11/2016 11:39

How would he like it, if you were round your Ex all the time, I don't think he would. Sorry your best off without him.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/11/2016 11:40

I still don't think he gets it op, he is not demonstrating or proving to you otherwise.

ummizoomi · 26/11/2016 17:13

OP maybe your conversations r focusing on the wrong thing. You seem to be focused on the amount of time he spends in ExW's house, his relationship with her and the lifts for the girls.

I would suggest you have a good think about what you expect of a normal relationship. U live together and have a child together. How should things work in your home. I.e. Move the focus on ur relationship which is currently inexistent from what you have said. It would be nice if he could be home like a normal father early, help you with dinner time, play time with DD, a few date nights a month, weekends together as a family. They 4 of u as a unit and if his kids want to join then they r welcome. But for him to leave u alone to just have ur unit with DD whilst he lives family life elsewhere is what's wrong.

Also, I would address that if he's not willing to give u the commitment u deserve in ur relationship maybe talk about a separation.

Ask him if he's willing to give you the security of a house, i.e. A home for ur DD. And some financial maintenance. Tell him u would be happy for him to come and do bedtime every night but then he has to leave as that seems the only contribution he put in ur family. Tell him you want to be loved and have a partner to share things with that currently he's not satisfying your needs or even offering basic relationship support.

I am so sorry u r going through all this so close to xmas. I believe u need to stand your ground otherwise u r wasting ur life away with this man.