To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

[Sunflowerspread]

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

Wow

So hes deleted all the texts from her and wouldnt show you anyway even if he hadnt? Thats not good at all.

Could you cope financially on your own? Where would you live?

Riiiiiiiiight so it's your fault for being over-sensitive then, eh? Classic. Classic victim-blaming, gaslighting, manipulating . Please listen to the many, many voices on this thread. Your feelings about the situation are valid. All of us on here would feel the same way about a DH who behaves as yours does. Don't let him grind you down into accepting the status quo with his ExW, and do not accept the horrifically vulnerable financial position it leaves you in.

I wonder if he really thinks you'd take the texts the wrong way or if there is a level of intimacy that he doesn't feel comfortable with your witnessing.

Agree with you completely that a very little girl has more of a claim on daddy's time than two adults who could easily get themselves home from uni. It's selfish of them not to see how much they're eating into a little girl's time with her dad IMO.

It sounds like he has got used to you fitting around him and come to feel it's just normal. He obviously has rubbish boundaries for himself and accepts whatever boundaries other people put up for themselves. His ex got away with murder and he went along with that. You have allowed him to give you a tiny slice of his time and attention, so he went along with that. Possibly without really knowing what it would have been better to do.

He needs to accept that regardless of your sensitivity or over-sensitivity, this is who you are and he needs to decide if he's willing to work with you to turn things around.

It must be so hard for you

Bloody hell op that is unacceptable. The problem is with you, minimising his behaviour. Quickly deleting the texts. If tgey are about nothing, why did he not show you them, he's hiding something. Op I woukd be thinking of an exit plan, your dd deserves better, and yiu do to.

It does feel awful. Sometimes I feel petty, is it really that bad? Why can't I just ignore it or accept it? I have tried to be very patient, he is a bit of a martyr to his kids and ExW, but I thought it might ease off as they hit adulthood. I just can't see this ever ending now.

I would say that there are texts he doesn't want me to see too, probably not flirting or anything, but she basically calls the shots.

Example - DP was really so busy at work - there until 9pm every evening a few months ago. However ExW decided that the DDs should look for a job so had several calls to DP getting him to write them both lengthy CVs. Neither of the girls wanted a job, none of the local jobs took CVs, only applications. Yet DP came home at 9pm and straight onto doing them. It just seemed like she likes asking him to do stuff.

I've found lots of careers stuff to help the DDs in the past, but I just get ignored by DP when I do this. Apologies... I'm just getting mad about this crazy situation where so much is at stake, and to let it crumble for what? I'm so sick of it, yet feel so stuck.

You know tgat this is how it's going to be like if you carry on with him, your dd coming 4th and you 5th best over ex and the dds. He is a gutless spineless man, so he will be bowing to them forevermore. At the end of the day it's in your hands.

I'd far rather sit outside the old marital home waiting for my old family than spending time with my new one?

This a million times over. You and your DD deserve much more than this.

We do deserve it, but who is going to give it? My DP has so many good qualities, but lately I've looked around at other couples who are just, more together, and felt like I might have chosen the wrong guy.

You're not petty, sunflower. He's basically (to put it crudely) got you installed as his bit of squeeze - and is now rattled that you've had enough of that situation. Meantime, he treats his youngest DD as an inconvenience, hence his emphasis on helping out, rather than spending time with her.

OK so his ex bit of squeeze (we hope) sounds like bloody hard work, but he seems to have reduced all his relationships to merely transactional ones. Everybody has a role and a part to play. And you've stopped playing your part, dammit!

Yes, you deserve much better. Good on you for taking a leaf out of his not so ex's book and stamping your feet more.

I have had enough and I can't see a way out of this that's going to end in happy families.

It's time to talk to him, I think. You're moving on in your mind but there hasn't really been the dialogue that might help him to understand the importance of this.

I think counselling might be a good space for him to listen to you and what you need - and also talk about how torn he feels.

If he won't ease off, this is going to evolve over years from daily lifts to uni to being asked for hefty contributions to house deposits and constant DIY/errands; not for one but three women in three households.

Why can he not see that sitting outside their house (which he isn't, duh, but anyway) is still not being at home with his young daughter and current partner?

I did ask for counselling several months ago, but he just dragged his feet and I gave up. I think you are right slender, however I also think he needs to feel the importance of it to him.

I have asked him to stay away during the week for a few weeks. There really isn't much point in him being around at present Mon - Fri. And I think he will just let it all drift again if we just carry on living together as we are. I'll go to counselling if he's motivated too.

I think you might find he gets very scared and motivated when he realises that he could lose you. TBH he feels more clueless and careless to me than intentionally uncaring - not that it's any excuse or really any easier to be married to.

You mentioned before that his brother knew his wife was very controlling. Could you have a frank talk with him about the situation and the fact that you are ready to leave?
While your dp may be able to explain away your 'behaviour' to himself as you being over sensitive, it would be much more difficult for him to maintain that fantasy to someone else who has a vested interest in his happiness.

Sounds to me like his entire sense of self-worth is wrapped up in what he can actively 'do' for other people, op - hence his eagerness to patch the holes by 'doing' things for you this week. I think he is probably incapable at this point of understanding that sometimes people just want your attention and presence, rather than your service. The trouble is, his wxW and older DDs are fully on board with the 'we reward you for service' program. You're trying to wean him off it. I bet that prospect subconsciously terrifies him; hence the anger.

I agree that counselling might help.

I was going to post that I disagreed with all PPs, but there's been a bit of a swing....

I think your partner is sweet. Getting it wrong, but sweet.

I work in schools and there's dad after dad after dad who walks away from previous family, and I think that's shit.

So I do applaud a dad who wants and does stick around for the kids he helped create. I think that's a good thing (and not something you should discourage, OP)

The two problems are (a) identifying how EX-W is a problem and (b) prioritising (or even treating as equal) his new family are. Because I don't think it's a case of either/or, but the pendulum's too far in the direction of the previous kids. He SHOULD be there for them, even if PPs think otherwise, but less. (as they are officially adults).

OP shouldn't be getting just the crumbs. And OP's child DEF shouldn't.

But he does sound sweet, and like he's trying. He just needs to refocus. I don't think this is (yet) a case of LTB. I think that dad needs to understand what's really going on, and make decisions based on that.
If he 'gets it' and then continues to prioritise Ex-W, then THAT is the time to leave. But it doesn't sound like he doesn't love OP. Just not prioritising her and their DC as he should. But I think he can correct this, and be given an opportunity to try.

Sounds like your DP is a bit under the thumb of his ExW. It seems like he's being taken advantage of. The kids should spend time at their DFs too, surely? It doesn't seem like they have proper quality time with your DP. It seems like your DP is just desperate for the little crumbs of time he's been 'allowed' by ExW with his kids.

I wouldn't be happy in your shoes. Especially as they are not getting a proper chance to have a relationship with their half-sibling either, in these current circumstances. Sounds like ExW is still domineering your DP and your DP needs to assert himself and ask to have the kids over more often. to you

Sun I've followed this thread, you sound rightly at the absolute end of your tether. I would stay in the house, tell him you're done for now and change the locks. Given how soft he is with the xw he's not likely to turf you out or cut you off financially if you're full time caring for you SN dd. I wouldn't stop him having proper contact with dd (not 10 mins putting her to bed or sticking her in the car whilst he's taxiing the adult kids) but I'd leave it up to him to propose it. Then I'd work really hard to build your local network and get on with your life. It will continue to be hard, but you sound really strong.

Countess The trouble is, his wxW and older DDs are fully on board with the 'we reward you for service' program. You're trying to wean him off it. That does ring true for me. It feels like DP does not have any boundaries, he just reacts to whoever pulls his strings the hardest.

ExW is very happy to pull those strings through frequent texting and asks, and has shown her DDs the same. I don't want to pull his strings. I don't want to demand all the time. I just want space to be a family.

user yes it's not a great dynamic.

DDs don't want to come to ours and have zero interest in SN sibling. DP probably harbours some resentment about that towards me and takes the crumbs. Yet we had one DD for 3 years, I did the main caring, but he still went to ExWs 2x a day!

I do think if he visited our DD once mid week for at least an hour and spent it with her, it would be better than the 10 mins putting her to bed every night. If he saw DSDs for an afternoon a weekend it would be better. They don't talk in the car, they are grumpy in the morning and put in their headphones. So what's the point?

icy Yes I think that he would try his best to support me and wouldn't turf me out of the house.

I have written an email with all the things that I've raised here, and just been open and honest that I am at the end of my tether. I said that I don't think he's ready to hear me out, and that I do not feel like I am being over sensitive, but even if he thinks that, it is eating away at me on a daily basis, and I would be better off on my own than the situation as it is.

It is stressful enough having an SN child but I do feel completely on my own here. At least if he stayed away the facade of everything ticking along nicely will be exposed.

Sounds to me like you picked the wrong brother OP!

And there is no way he sits outside the house for hours on end. He really has utter contempt for you if he expects you to believe that.

I do think if he visited our DD once mid week for at least an hour and spent it with her

This comment is so sad.

I couldn't be doing with a partner who I never saw or a father who rarely saw his dd.

I think you've got your answer OP. You know you would be more stable without him and ironically your daughter would end up with more quality time that would be scheduled for her rather than just getting the crumbs.

I think the ex is abusive to be honest and it's your DP who needs to do the freedom program. It's sad because she has taught her daughters to behave the same way and they may very well perpetuate that behaviour in their own future relationships.

What concerns me is the house. Whilst you say he won't throw you out he can't go on staying away forever. If the house is in his name then you'll need to start looking for somewhere else and get some legal advice on your situation. Have you had any thoughts about long term?