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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 23:21

Your dd deserves better than this part time dad, who puts her 4 th best.

baconandeggies · 15/11/2016 23:29

I don't say this often but - get out get out get out.

It's pretty unlikely the decency fairy is going to hit him with her magical wand, unfortunately.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 23:31

I think you need a get out plan tbf

HelenaDove · 15/11/2016 23:45

Oh my God he is pathetic PATHETIC

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 23:58

So if he died, your dd, his child would get nothing, as he dithered about making provision for her in his will, whilst his dds and wife will get the lot. Sorry tgat is unacceptable. He does not see you and dd as an important part of his life.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 16/11/2016 00:01

It doesn't look too hopeful I agree. Sad

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 16/11/2016 00:10

Obviously it's up to you what you do, but it does not look good, it's not likely to change. This will be the norm I am afraid.

Tisgrand · 16/11/2016 01:16

Please don't get out until the divorce goes through, and he makes proper provision for yourself and your DD in his will. Stick with him until then. In the meantime would he be willing to go to some sort of couples counselling - where you could make all the points you have made here and he would have to hear them? He isn't listening to you at all at present is he? The Ex has really done a number on him, to the point where he seems not to be able to think for himself. You sound lovely but you've probably been way too patient with this situation all along! Best of luck.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/11/2016 07:05

That could be a while, but I second making an appointment with a solicitor with the view to altering his will to include at least your dd, and dragging him there. That is what he needs to do!

Roussette · 16/11/2016 07:39

You sound so lovely. All the points you bring up, don't give in. As a pp said, he does not need to give his adult daughters more than daily contact. But his little DD does need constant attention, she needs him.

I left home at 17 with little contact with my parents and 2 of my DCs who did go to Uni, the contact was sporadic because they were becoming independent and enjoying themselves. You need to tell him that the first thing he needs to do (apart from the will) is cut contact completely with his exW. If he doesn't do that, you don't have a hope, because she has a hold on him that is affecting the life of you and your DD. If he manages that, you then move on to all the other things. You are living in the shadow of his first family and that is not right.

ZoeTurtle · 16/11/2016 09:45

I would go to a solicitor ASAP and see what can be done about inheritance for your daughter. Even if you got him to change it, I can see the ex demanding it's changed back once you split up...

EreniTheFrog · 16/11/2016 11:31

I second the advice to see a solicitor. But don't wait for him to agree to come with you - go alone (or with a trusted friend) and make your plans alone. Sadly, it may be that he does not intend for his divorce ever to be finalised, and/or it may be that he doesn't want to include you or your daughter in his will.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 16/11/2016 14:51

Such good advice here. I think I would have just accepted DP back at the weekend and brushed it under the carpet until it resurfaced again. DP just has his head completely in the sand.

He's been desperate to 'do' stuff for me this week. Although that is also in between still going to ExWs house to ferry DDs. I agree the fundamental issues have not been touched or even acknowledged, like ExW and basic security for me and DD. I think I must focus on that.

I asked if he could move out temporarily, even if it is just during the week days for a while, and plan weekends to do either family stuff or take it in turns to have a break. He really doesn't want to, I'm not sure he's anywhere to go. Especially during the week I don't think I can stand anymore of watching the clock waiting for him to get back at 7.45pm to see him quickly put DD to bed as he's spent an hour after work faffing about with DDs at ExWs house.

OP posts:
Ldnmum2015 · 16/11/2016 15:25

Hi sunflowerspread do you find out where he was at the wk end, I really feel for you, i would think of steps about moving out, maybe back to your home town or somewhere you have support and treated better than this. I would get as far away from them both as possible, and make a new start as a person on your own right, the way he has allowed this to happy is beyond belief, he has made his bed let him lie in it. Also can you talk to his brother, he might be able to explain it to him before he loses you completely. You have had so much to put up with

Ldnmum2015 · 16/11/2016 15:38

He has created a rod for his own back, by not divorcing he has sent mixed messages to his kids, the fact they are grown up but he still flaffs around after them shows that helping them towards independence has been put on hold for years, this has now escalated to a stage where so much work needs to be done that it apears he doesnt care if his life fills apart around him then tackle simple paperwork because he is still scared of his ex, can you look at both you and him moving away from her instead of kicking him out, which may just send him round to his ex and will just make it worse.

mickeysminnie · 16/11/2016 15:41

I agree with other posters in that his first family is just that, his family and you and your daughter are just there to keep him company while he's away from them. So of little consequence.
That being said I don't know if he actually realises this.
He wants the best for his eldest daughters, that is understandable, but why does he have nothing left to offer your daughter. How does he justify that to himself?
Can someone mind your daughter for a few hours this weekend while you have a frank discussion with you about your future.
I think seeing whether you mean enough to him for him to let his daughter get to work by herself while you have crisis talks will tell you all you need to know.

Ldnmum2015 · 16/11/2016 15:49

Of course it is very easy for me to say just move away, so maybe a crisis talk while with kids make their own way ro Uni, as mickiesminnie suggested, might be a better route😊

Aeroflotgirl · 16/11/2016 16:03

How long will he be keen to help, before he starts going back to tge olds ways. You need a serious and frank discussion with him. Make an appointment with the solicitor for both of you regarding the will. If he objects, then you know where you stand. Actions speak louder than words, he needs to prove himself to dd and you. He is on a very thin rope, and you have to get that message across to him. Tbh I woukd have an exit op land and go. It's up to you.

Jiggl · 16/11/2016 16:44

Helping during the week? That's big of him Hmm

You do everything in your home bar bedtimes. You are pretty much a single mother as it is because he's provided you and your DD with zero security, and he does fuck all with you and DD.

Garthmarenghi · 16/11/2016 16:51

You call her his ex wife, but he's still married isn't he OP? I bet his wife still refers to him as ' my husband'? This is very unfair on you and your child.

Butterymuffin · 16/11/2016 16:54

I'm sure he doesn't want to move out. It might, however, make him understand a little of the insecurity you feel. He currently has two houses he can - and does - choose to spend time in. You have one, and you're stuck in it waiting for him to take his sweet time and come back, while also knowing you have no secure claim on the house. Who's the hard done by one here, you or him? Ask him that. Then tell him that. Could you actually write out a timetable of how much time in a usual week he spends in your house? (Noting how much of that is time spent asleep during the night, which I bet would account for a lot of it.)

I would say that it has reached crisis point for you, and either he wants to be a proper father to your young DD, or he needs to go, and you can get on with making a better life for her and yourself without all this waiting around for crumbs from his table. Say that you need space to think about what he brings to your life, and that he might be better off temporarily moving out altogether, because showing up at 7.45pm each evening is not convincing you that he sees his role as a father to your DD as in any way important.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/11/2016 07:24

How are things op? Have you decided what to do?

ShesAStar · 18/11/2016 08:30

I've read this thread from start to finish and I think if I looked up the word tolerance in the dictionary I'd see a picture of you OP. You have been so unselfish and your DP and his (soon to be ex) wife have completely taken advantage.
You sound really unhappy and so you should be, if you give your DP a list of ultimatums like the ones you listed a page or two ago I think you will get a clear picture of whether he really appreciates you and wants you and can't be without you or whether you are someone he considers less important and can be cut loose if you interfere with his original family. But I think the most important thing is that you realise what you want, you and your DD can't spend your lives waiting for crumbs of attention. You are too important for that!

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 18/11/2016 18:18

Thanks for reading my posts star and aeroflot. I've found this week really tough. I had a very brief chat with DP, and he is adamant that he 'really doesn't go into the house very much' and usually 'just waits outside' and again just said that I was a particularly over sensitive individual. He does not see this is as in any way too much.

I just feel very despondent. I'm keeping to my guns. He still views this as my problem - I am the unreasonable one. He says that 'of course he wants to keep the peace with ExW, that he owes her that'. I don't think he owes her anything? I think he just feels that I'm jealous. He can see more of the financial implications, but is very vague.

I really don't want to go into the future like this, and more it rankles me, the less tolerant I feel about his daily visits to the house. I'm not even sure that I have the full story any more. I asked if I could even see her texts to him, but he's deleted them all and said that he wouldn't show me as I'd just take things the wrong way. I really don't feel like I'm a controlling or intrusive person - I don't want this - I don't see why there is any need for texts at all.

Very fed up now.

OP posts:
SouthWindsWesterly · 18/11/2016 18:33

Basically he's saying don't rock the boat as it works for me and that I'd far rather sit outside the old marital home waiting for my old family than spending time with my new one?

sorry Sunflower - that text from him must have hurt 😟