Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Magtheridon · 15/11/2016 15:53

I haven't read the full thread but...
It's bloody weird that he's giving his adult daughters lifts to university everyday. That's not normal and he's doing them no favours by doing that. They should be encouraged to be independent.

I also wouldn't be happy if an ex of mine was constantly around his ex's for the 'kids' who are adults
If they wanted to see their dad, they'd make the effort to go to his, i'm guessing you don't live really far away from them?
Are you sure nothing else is going on?

Frazzled2207 · 15/11/2016 15:59

All v difficult but I think the message is that he needs to prioritise you and his infant dd over his ADULT daughters, who, frankly, need to be more independent.

And having him for at least one day at a weekend, COMPLETELY, should be non-negotiable.

If he doesn't get these two points then it doesn't look good

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 15/11/2016 16:14

Yes they live 10 minutes away. I did say that I thought it wasn't that normal to give lifts every day (often both ways) to adult DDs going to Uni, and that it also involves going to ExWs house which often then seems to be 'just pop in DDs are not ready, and also could you fix... '. He didn't seem to get that at all, he became very angry and said I was completely over sensitive and a barrier. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 15/11/2016 16:15

Yes I think the sad thing is they aren't bothered about seeing their Dad.

OP posts:
WankersHacksandThieves · 15/11/2016 16:38

I think from your list you need to change the one about them coming over as that is not within his control - he can ask/invite them over for a regular dinner but neither he nor you can make them come.

Are they 10 minutes walk or drive away? Just wondering if they could come to yours for their lift each day if he wants to continue with it - that way it might just become too much hassle for them and they start getting the bus instead. However, if they aren't ready at the specified time in the morning I'd be going without them regardless of where he is picking them up. Obviously specific incidents excepted i.e. If 99% of the time they are on time, then I wouldn't drive off without them on the rare occasion they were late.

I think one whole day at the weekend for your own family is reasonable.

I think asking him to be home earlier 2 or 3 evenings a week to spend time with your DD and you is also reasonable. It's also reasonable for him to be in all evening at least once a week to allow you to go out. It's also reasonable for him to sit with her for breakfast a couple of weekdays and both weekend mornings.

I would ask him how he could avoid being sucked in for favours by EW and see what he suggests and then pitch in with your suggestions if his are rubbish or non existent.

I hope this all works out for you OP one way or another. Have a think about whether you love him and want to be with him or whether you love the idea of him and the potential relationship that you could have.

TheWernethWife · 15/11/2016 16:46

My granddaughter graduated from uni this year, no way did she have to go in every day and certainly not for 9 am. Don't know what these girls are studying but they and their mother have definitely got a degree in manipulation. You are being lied to.

PNGirl · 15/11/2016 17:01

Honestly? The lifts at weekends need to stop completely and uni lifts should be offered as and when convenient, not expected.

If his response is that they will not be happy and not want to see him then he needs to ask himself if he wants a relationship with them where they only want to see him for their own convenience.

I suspect he'd take that, though, as his only option, because he's still keen to reassure himself of his importance in all 3 of their lives.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 15/11/2016 18:13

That's the trouble, the DDs won't come round. I've had to practically beg them to come for his birthday. He needs to feel like a father to them because it is assumed he is a father to our DD just by the fact that he lives here.

DP would just hide the fact that he's been around there rather than say No at the time. His brother said once to me that he was and is treated like a dogsbody by his ExW by he could never, ever see it. It seems crazy our relationship and DD is falling apart because of this, but it is.

OP posts:
Pollyanna9 · 15/11/2016 18:41

So if this was a woman we'd be screaming blue murder about how her DH/DP was a controlling bastard. But this is what DH has put up with/engaged with (whatever), with his XF. I'm not saying it's ok at all but it sounds like that's what he's had to deal with. Who knows what involvement she's had with turning the adult kids against him, framing it like they can only see him if its at her house (who knows what's gone on). Again, let me reiterate, I'm not saying it's right but a key element of abuse is the person losing insight into what is actually happening. That is, him. It sounds like a fairly toxic relationship - that he's never actually gotten out of. I'm not for one second condoning his actions as they've been highly destructive, damaging and hurtful to OP. But I do think this twisted rel with XW has been severe for him (god, i'm the last to give a man any slack!) but it sounds awful all round. In effect she's been controlling XH, OP, . He doesnt have insight yet - that will have to come but until it does, it's all about self preservation and what's right for you and what works for you. This is his sh*t that he has to work out as it's the most significant element to all of this.

Pollyanna9 · 15/11/2016 18:43

If you've had to beg them to come round, have they been asked/pressured whatever NOT to come round by XW??? They may be as caught up in this sh*t as the is, who in all honesty knows.

GabsAlot · 15/11/2016 19:42

u shouldnt have to ask him anything but he houldnt be go9ing in exes house at all there i no need

if theyre not even bothered about seeing him sorry but thats something he has to ask them about

his ex is manipulating him there is nothing she holds over him if his kids arent bothered anyway she cant threaten him

Pollyanna9 · 15/11/2016 19:55

She can if his guilt is induced and reinforced constantly by HER, and her and his kids are both her pawns.

Again, NOT condoning his behaviour but he seems to have no insight into what has been going on. Or how it's affected anyone else - never mind his current DP and their child, but his other children - and himself - as well.

He's really been living in a bubble not seeing what's going on. But that's control and manipulation isn't it. He needs to get it sorted and rapidly start to see what HAS been going on. Which I genuinely hope he can so OP can have the partner she needs and deserves.

Garthmarenghi · 15/11/2016 20:29

Has he made any provisions for you and your daughter in event of his death OP? You say he is still married to first wife and that you are living in his house, is that right?

TheWernethWife · 15/11/2016 20:37

Garth - I didn't think of that. The OP is in a very precarious state indeed.

BobbieDog · 15/11/2016 20:53

What a horrible situation.

Its a very weird set up and i dont know anyone who would put up with this.

I am wondering what hes put in place for the event of his death..

Feckitall · 15/11/2016 21:12

for DP NOT to go to ExWs every morning (and usually evening). I know that this is to take DDs to Uni, but it's such frequent contact and usually ends up 'a chat' which then leads to 'favours' and then he's not home for ages. Should I ask for mornings? Or just 2 mornings there a week?
- To not have contact with ExW unless it's urgent. It's like he can't have contact without it turning into her asking for stuff.
*- To instead have only contact with DDs. They can ask for things directly.

  • To ask that DDs come to ours, for dinner or lunch sometimes instead. I know that this is asking them to come out of their lives and possibly sometimes boring, but even once in a blue moon would be better than nothing but taxis and favours.*
- For DP to carry on taking DDs to the cinema as that is something not to do with ExW. - To come home earlier and see our DD in the morning too. To give us as a family one whole day in the weekend where it is not broken up with the 'unexpected last minute' life for DD into work. It means we can't do anything usually ANY weekend day. Maybe just one weekend day he does this? ^^ OP this is what you need to say to him...he is also the father of a small child..his child too his adult daughters do not need his constant attention...my DS went to uni..we had once weekly skype calls..and one holiday at home in 4 years! Your 'D'P seems to be making excuses to spend time with his ex...call his bluff ..you have nothing to lose as it stands..
Feckitall · 15/11/2016 21:12

Bugger...bold fail!

Atenco · 15/11/2016 21:40

my DS went to uni..we had once weekly skype calls

Uuf, I was living away from home at 17 and certainly not demanding my parents' constant attention.

baconandeggies · 15/11/2016 22:34

Has he made any provisions for you and your daughter in event of his death OP?

Yes - what's in his will? If he doesn't have one the wife will literally take the roof from over your and your daughter's head..

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 15/11/2016 23:02

bacon and others, this has also been a 'difficult' conversation in the past few months. I've felt incredibly vulnerable having had to give up work for SN child, as until the divorce goes through his next of kin is his wife! His will is currently only going to his daughters! If he died I would be effectively homeless.

He murmured and got flustered, then eventually sorted out a life insurance policy. Which is something. But I'd still be homeless! I was quite upset about this in the past. I've also been worried about pensions, I've been paying in until now but it's not worth much.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 23:09

Oh gosh op, as they say on Mumsnet, you need to be getting your ducks in a row. You need him t change his will so it includes provision for your dd. His ex is fine thanks, he's bought her a house, what about you! You have been shortchanged. I don't think he considers you and dd to be his family, the way he's treating you both, that she is not I lured in his will.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 23:10

Included I meant.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 15/11/2016 23:14

pollyana I do think that his past relationship is had a huge effect, he was a very shy man.

His brother said she was pretty awful really, cut him off from his family and just ordered him about. DP admits she's entitled and 'can have a temper' but is adamant that he was the strong one because he did all finances, housework etc.

I came into it thinking she was OK until I refused her a favour once and she subjected me to an evening tirade of calls and texts, I was so shocked I told DP that I had no idea what he'd had to put up with, but he just said 'oh I just delete anything like that'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 15/11/2016 23:16

Thanks aero I have tried, and DP said he'd change his will, but he dithers and I'm not sure if he has yet. Also the divorce he dithered about and only just getting that going.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 15/11/2016 23:20

Sorry the more you speak of him, the worse it sounds. That would be a dealbreaker. He sounds gutless and spineless, and does not see you and dd as his proper family. Op really it's not going to change, it would be bye bye from me.