To tell my children we can't afford Christmas?

[DNo]

This is hard to post.

My daughter is 9 and my sons are 8 and 3. We are on the brink of bankruptcy due to me leaving my very well paid job to have DC3. I never in a million years dreamed we'd be in this situation.

Our mortgage is one month behind and our two credit cards are maxed due to essential buys - no frivolous spending, just childcare costs and things like school uniform and food shopping. We are not idiots and it's only been the last 3 years we've used credit. I work 30 hours per week but I used to earn 3 times my wage.

We have literally £140 to spend for Christmas as we've been saving £5 a week. There is no way we can get more money as I've sold all our non essentials - we don't even have a microwave as I sold it for £20.

Would you explain to the eldest that Father Christmas chooses to spend more on the younger children and older children get rewarded in other ways during the year? Or tell the truth? They'll still have a wonderful Christmas I promise you! But how do you tell them that some children get more than others?

Not looking for any sympathy, just advice from people who may have been in a similar situation, thank you. X

Be honest with them, the oldest 2 at least. Thankfully never been in your situation but we had 3 children very close together and it could be tight at Christmas. Although ours thought Santa brought the pressies to make it easier on mum and dad, they always knew we had to pay Santa's bill.
There are lots of places to get pressies from, that don't have to cost a fortune. Make a nice stocking with lots of small bits and see if they have one must have that fits into your budget. Just don't let them stick the argos catalogue on their letters! As a family we now stick to something to read, something you need, something to wear, something nice to eat and something you would like at a sensible price. Set a few new traditions up and make it fun, its about being together. Good luck and enjoy

Why would they expect £150 for Christmas?!

Mine are even older and a) I don't think they have a clue how much things cost and b) they are chuffed by most things, especially if tailored to their interests.

For a recent birthday, I got one £15 gift and one £20 gift for my dd, and she was delighted, as they were both things she really really wanted.

This thread is odd, as it's saying if you 'only' have £140 between three, you 'can't afford Christmas' which is the biggest load of bollocks ever. Otherwise, we haven't been having Christmas for the past few years! (We probably spend £100 between two in a lean year, more on a better year)

If your kids have honestly come to expect, age 8 and 9 (and three lol!) to have that much money on them, this year is a blessing for you in learning how to enjoy what you have!

I disagree with some mumsnetters in that I do let the kids know if we are having a leaner time, I don't hide it, I don't sob about it either, but I might say 'things are a bit tight money-wise, so your party will have to be a smaller one this year' or whatever. You can't keep pretending you have the same as much wealthier people, but I have never felt this devalues our family. I tell them we chose jobs we love, not ones where you get a flashy car and house, or just be honest, working in a shop means you can spend more time with them.

I think you need to change your family Santa strategy to help manage their expectations! Here he does stockings, if you're good, and sometimes things to share like as board game which is left in the fireplace. Other presents come from mum and dad, family and friends

We do the same here. I wanted the kids to always realise that people who care about them spend money on them. My friend always said santa brings everything and when her son was told he said "oh that explains it. I thought you were the meanest parents for years as we never got anything from you. I didn't say anything though because you taught me to be grateful for what I got and not be rude."

£50 is plenty for a budget. We've done that budget many years. Home and bargain, b&m, eBay, Amazon flash sales and Black Friday sales, Argos 3 for 2. Just hunt around and you will be fine honestly.

I'll leave this now. I've had lots of very helpful advice. Thank you all. X

£140 is utility bills and more for a month.

the kids will just have to cope. No xmas presents is better than no home and no food. The older two can understand and the youngest won't know xmas from six weeks last Thursday.

or as suggested, a fiver each will buy a lot of planet-wrecking tat that they can have fun with.

Another vote for Home Bargains. Also have a look in the charity shops. I've been buying bits from them for a online charity auction, and there are often brand new games (still in cellophane) and gift sets for peanuts..

The Entertainer still has their penny sale on where you buy one full priced item and get a second for a penny.

Get over to the Christmas bargain thread where there are some brilliant bargain hunters there plus discount codes etc.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/Christmas/2773403-Thread-15-not-an-S-M-advent-calendar

Have a look on the mumsnet money matters thread where again there are posters in similar circumstances as yourself so you might pick up some useful tips regarding your financial position.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/legal_money_matters

Re your career could you apply for a part time legal job so you renew your contacts in the industry you've trained for? Apply to your local university as a sessional tutor taking small groups of students for tutorials. Any particular reason why you are working in a shop and not in a law firm. Will understand if you'd prefer not to say.

Good luck open.

Do your dc do a letter with specific toys on or do you just pick up stuff?

Don't forget Black Friday is coming up! Keep your eyes peeled and be ready to buy!

Check ebay/FB selling pages for people selling second hand electronic stuff.

Do you have CEX in the UK? Sells used consoles etc. They also buy old games and DVDs if you can try and trade stuff.

The 3 year old would be getting 3 for €20 toys from Argos from me! And a few pound shop bits to bulk it out. At that age you can get big things like giant floor puzzles for next to nothing!

I have a 9 and 8 year old so I know it can be a tricky age. Do you think they'll want tablets?

I agree with the others. If you shop wisely you can get loads. This year they may have to go without the electronics (unless you go for Kindle Fire). I'd have a good look round the charity shops for games and stuff and I bet you'll find enough for the 3 year old really cheap (I found a huge tub of brio for £5 the other week).

I think people are a bit harsh 8 and 9 year olds should be told.

My DS 9 still believes ( as far as I know) I wouldn't want him to not believe because of finance

I tell my DS ..Santa see's what the elves make and decide what is best for each child..

I would simply avoid the list ...

It sounds like your current position us unsustainable and I second other peoples advice of getting control.

OP don't listen to posters who are expecting you to just not get your dc anything for Christmas.

I wouldn't do that to my dc.

When I was a child, we all knew there was no spare money. One Christmas we all got slippers as a main present. TBH, it didn't matter much as our parents made a big effort to make it all feel magical anyway, and there was nice food that we all liked. AND WE HAD WARM FEET!!!! (No, we didn't live in a cardboard box in the middle of the road and eat gravel , I'm not trying to do that).

No matter how much money you have, there will be people who have more and whose children will get more and better presents. No matter how little you have, there will be people with less.

When it comes to Christmas, you know that your children will be warm, clothed, fed and will get something nice on Christmas day. Close the door to the room with the tree and don't let them in until after breakfast. One of you go in and put up fairy lights, spread tinsel about, light some candles, make the place look different and special and magical. Light a joss stick. When the children are all queued up outside wondering how much longer they have to wait before they can see the tree and the presents under it, open the door and watch their faces as they take in the magic of what you've done. They will remember that forever.

Also, you say somewhere that your money is essentially mortgage and then debt repayments, so nothing left. You say you've looked into an IVA and don't qualify (not sure how you qualify for those) but you certainly can at any time, and on any income, go into a management plan, but you don't want one with increased payments/interest taken by a private company, just help you with approaching lenders and renegotiating. We used PayPlan www.payplan.com/ and it was truly lovely to stop worrying, we still had to repay the debt, so had many lean years, but it was possible, rather than impossible.

I just thought I'd mention it as I wondered if you were in a debt spiral, so using the credit cards to pay off the other credit card payments.

Could you work from home as a solicitor?

Our joint present this year is a chocolate fondue set.......not very expensive but great fun.

For the 3 year old id get one, biggish present ie a scooter / bike (( can be picked up very cheaply second hand )) then the.usual sweets, pjs etc and.spend the.rest on the older 2.

The Book People are having a flash sale at the moment with children's collections etc.

I got Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Gym Stars collections for my two!

We don't do present at Christmas and my chidlren have a lovely christmas, carols church walks. Doesn't have to cost a penny. Church is free. Singing is there within your chest and the music these days is free on line.

Let us see if we can help you.
Why did you give up work though? I was back at work in 2 weeks full time after a baby. If you'd done that you wouldn't in this position.

I hope at the very least this thread reminds mumsnetters that long maternity leaves and giving up work is often the very worst thing you can do for your children.

If you are an ex lawyer then loads of us can help you with bits of work. Email us off board. I just finished an admin job which took me an hour and I could easily have emailed to you to do for £10 for example.

I would avod banruptcy if you can. I have not read all 7 pages of the thread as am working to keep my children but have you tried things like registering on websites like paypeopleperhour? I've found legal work on there. I've also marked law exam papers. I also update law books for pay. I give legal talks and the latter started when I wrote to just about every conference company in the country and one replied.

9, 8 and 3 year olds don't know what things cost. The biggest difficulty for children is change. My 18 year old has been on about the Christmas tree order not yet being acknowledged (because he is so keen we have a tree). So if you can keep things similar eg if they normally get 4 wrapped presents keep it at 4 but include stuff from a charity shop or things you made. Or do something different this Christmas like take them to help out at a homeless shelter so they are distracted from presents.

Refurbed tech and pound land type stuff for the older ones.

A scooter, bike or toy kitchen from freecycle or eBay for the youngest, plus more pound land type stuff.

£140 is plenty. I once did everyone's Christmas for £100!

Old Skool Sega Mega drive £35 Argos. Hours of retro fun!

Do not apply for credit cards as some have mentioned on here! When in debt, the last thing you need is more debt when you avoid it!

Banckruptcy is a little extreme.

If you have the earning potential for 3 times more, then you really need to explore that. What was the plan before you decided to expand the family and quit work?

Saving your house or downsizing now should be a priority, not Christmas

As you've been using credit for three years I don't know how this is the first year you are in this position or why your kids expect 150 quids worth each? Or even how they know the value at this age,,,

In lean times I collected from various sources and people, including charity shops, a selection of clothing, scarves, hats, costume jewellery, glasses, put these in a plastic chest and gave it as a joint present - a fantastic dressing up box! Kept them amused for weeks. ( and for years of 'school' dressing up days)

I also planned a Christmas treasure hunt, clues which led to gold coins, glittery bags with a tiny gift ( sometimes freebies, promotional pencils etc. Great fun as they hunted around the house. Took time and cost little. Became a real feature of our Christmasses.

Did once fail though. Thought ( tho now I can't think why??) that the cheap hand held hoovers in Homebargains would be a 'useful' gift for my children's bedrooms ( I know I can't think why either??!!) It was when the boys opened them and asked why I had bought them a car Hoover each...- and no car?? that I realised they only plugged into a car lighter!

Have you spoken to anyone about how you can manage your debt and ongoing costs. You obviously don't have enough money to cover your outgoings so will get more and more into debt as time goes on. It's a long time until your children are at secondary school!

Try Citizens Advice - they should be able to refer you to a specialist money advisor who can look at your debts but also help with budgeting and maximising income. The other charity you could contact are called Stepchange.

At the very least, you must contact your mortgage provider straight away if you haven't already as you have missed a payment. I wouldn't agree anything with them though until you have received advice. You can tell them you are going to get advice and they should put any further action on hold.

Please don't leave it you could lose your house.

Good luck.

OP - I have toys which are as good as new which we don't need anymore that would be absolutely ideal for your 3 yo (especially if it's a boy!). Please PM me if you're in the South East and would like them or if I can send them anywhere. it would mean a lot to me that they were in a good home.