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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be devastated that I can't breastfeed my baby?

160 replies

smellsofelderberries · 10/11/2016 11:31

My little one is 6 days old and we just can't seem to get the hang of breastfeeding, and it's really affecting me. I spend so much of the days in tears over it. I am pumping and she is having bottles, but on the rare occasion I can get her to latch she just lies there and won't suck. I have a good milk supply, but we just can't seem to make it happen Sad I am desperate to breastfeed and don't know what else to do.
Anyone else had similar and managed to successfully transition from bottle to breast? I'm starting to lose hope Sad
We have seen a lactation consultant at our local childhood health centre but wondering if a private consultant might be the next step, though I'm not sure how they can help if she just won't suck.

OP posts:
Me2017 · 12/11/2016 08:46

I am glad to see you are doing so much better, Well done. Do exactly what feels right for you.

(My own view is that seeing how much milk goes in is a bad not a good thing and the nice thing about breast feeding is you cannot and that the fact your other half can feed is not great either but it may make him feel good. He can do a lot of things that don't involve feeding once you get rid of the bottles now the milk is in and can just directly feed from the breast all the time).

maggiethemagpie · 12/11/2016 08:51

I was very similar - Baby couldn't latch, milk wouldn't flow... but i wasn't devastated. I know it affects everyone differently but I really think in the grand scheme of things this is not 'devastation' territory.

I used formula, just accepted the situation for what it was and soon got over it. If you can't breastfeed, you can't breastfeed. It really is not the end of the world as some people make out.

The main thing is you will still have a healthy baby - remember that.

AyeAmarok · 12/11/2016 09:03

Sounds like what you are doing is working really well smells! Fab update.

PenguinsAreAce · 12/11/2016 09:31

Well done smells! If you want to avoid more inappropriate debate but still get support, it might be worth asking MNHQ to move this to the feeding section. There are lovely people there who will continue to support you. All you have to do is report one of your own posts and ask for the thread to be shifted across.

jellycat1 · 12/11/2016 09:43

'risks and disadvantages' perleeease oblada seriously?
Breastfeeding militants make my blood boil. They come on here and quote a load of codswallop doing their best to dress it up as fact. Best of luck OP and if you do go onto formula it's absolutely fine and nothing to do with how good a mother you are - to which generations of ff people attest.

ThinkOfTheMice · 12/11/2016 13:47

Sounds like you're doing great!

I really wish someone had told me how bloody hard breastfeeding can be. It would have helped a lot to just be told 'yeah, it can really hurt until you get used to it and it's tough.' Instead i thought I was the one at fault.

Hope it works out for you - if it doesn't, formula is totally fine.

MatildaTheCat · 12/11/2016 14:00

Brilliant update, OP. As a midwife I still struggled to breastfeed my babies due to sore nipples. I had to do it the way that worked for me and throw away the rule book.

Nipple shields saved it for us. To transition a baby from bottle teat to breast they can be fantastic but be aware that feèding does take longer. When the baby is sucking well and feeding take the shield off halfway through to attempt actual nipple feeding. Might take a while and that's ok.

In the meantime, rest, eat, drink plenty, eat again and then have a rest Smile.

MargaretCavendish · 12/11/2016 14:06

if we just went on anecdotal evidence we'd have to conclude that ff your baby was a sure route to having tall children who have never visited a GP, are top of their class and shit gold nuggets, as 99.9% of posts on this site by mums who have ff say that this is the case. Of course they do - if you don't breastfeed you have a pretty major emotional investment in believing it doesn't make a difference to babies.

This applies both ways - women who have breastfed (particularly if this has meant persevering through very difficult patches) also have a strong vested interest in insisting it makes a huge difference; no one wants to think that they wasted their efforts.

oblada · 12/11/2016 19:34

OP - well done on persevering you seem to be doing great! Certainly didn't mean to be unhelpful (and thanks for picking on me! Lol) but I just don't think 'breast is best' slogan helps so I prefer to re-state things as they are. Some people take offence but that what I believe in and to me it's important. I have given my views as to what could help and also that indeed formula can be appropriate at times of course.
Dontbesilly - well, don't be silly or rather don't be rude, I'm still free to express my views. Life would be a bore if everyone always agreed.
Jellycat - I'm not militant at all. I just like to state things as they are. We do not have generations to attest to anything as it turns out. But in any event I fully agree formula is appropriate in some circumstances and certainly not the end of the world as I've said before.
Margaret - interesting point but no I don't think it works both ways. It's such a wonderful experience there is (imo) no need to prove it was otherwise 'useful'.

chatnanny · 12/11/2016 20:06

I agree with PPs who have said if you can possibly afford it pay for help. My DD had a private midwife who spent 40 mins about 3 days in a row with them once they were home and it helped so much. Also some people have been helped by various nipple shields - the silver ones seem to get good feedback on Amazon.
If you try everything and can't make it work you have done your very best. The friend I made in hospital having my first DC years ago tried and tried but just couldn't due to inverted nipples. My DS also couldn't but expressed for 6 months! It's still a subject she gets upset about and she should not as she did her best for her child and as long as they are thriving that is the biggest achievement. Your hormones are all
over the place at the moment, please be kind to yourself and recognise that you're doing your very best.

Me2017 · 12/11/2016 20:32

Margaret, like most people and all doctors I always say breast is best but I don't support it because I managed it. I support it because once it got going it was really lovely; it was close, bonding, magical,.... you see so many people being negative about it but when it works it is a very special lovely thing (and I am not saying mothers who bottle feed dont' bond and aren 't close but there's something about the build up, let down reflex, flow of oxytocin etc which I will never forget - a core life event).

However as a feminist I certainly support women's choices of feeding in whatever way they choose and if this poster had come on here saying I don't want to breastfeed I am sure all of use would have said quite rightly that although breast is best bottle fed babies do fine too.

user1468353179 · 12/11/2016 20:37

Nope. I breastfed my son for two weeks, he cluster fed, I was exhausted and he just screamed whenever I took him off the breast. I gave him a dummy and started to FF, we never looked back.

spiderlight · 13/11/2016 15:36

Glad to hear things are looking more positive, smellsofelderberries :)

jellycat1 · 13/11/2016 17:16

oblada thanks for proving my point that propel like you come on here and answer vulnerable peoples questions by stating absolute rubbish as fact. We do not have generations to attest to anything as it turns out.
Do you understand what a generation is? In which case, as formula has been in use since the late 19th century, my statement that generations of healthy people attest to the lack of 'risk' is fact.

Bertucci · 13/11/2016 17:20

I have no idea.

Mine were born knowing how to feed and I was blessed with copious milk and no soreness whatsoever. We all took to it straight away.

Had it not happened this way, I would have given up, pdq and gone on to formula and my babies would have been just fine.

SolomanDaisy · 13/11/2016 17:24

Great update! Based on my experience with DS things should get easier once the jaundice is completely gone as it makes them very sleepy and they can't really be bothered to breastfeed.

bumbleymummy · 13/11/2016 23:05

That's great news about her latching on. Hopefully that is the start of everything falling into place for you :)

apringle · 14/11/2016 00:52

I found the book "the womanly art of breastfeeding" by the la leche league a godsend. It may help with some suggestions. It's just been a week - if you can persevere a few more weeks it may suddenly happen (as has been the case with so many of my friends and family) - but if it ends up you are not physically able then do not torture yourself about it (which is Of course easier said than done) and focus on all the other aspects of nurturing your baby and enjoy this special, short newborn time.

Me2017 · 14/11/2016 12:54

ap, I found that book very useful too.

Glad the latching on is happening..

Just do what feesl right to you. I always thought very lucky that none of my friends or family had babies when I did so I could just do it my own way. My oldest had slight jaundice (although not bad enough to treat) and she was sleepy for a week but then fed fine for at least a year.

I am not sure we have generations fed formual though... my father in 1928 had a cow - yes a real life milk cow which was certified as tuberculousis free- ear marked for his milk (they were better off than my mother's family who were all breast fed). He certainly didn't get TB. he died at 79. I think we all accept formula is not going to kil babies in the West but if you want to breastfeed great, go for it. Every doctor in the land (UK or Australia) will tell you breast is best.

Camomila · 14/11/2016 13:27

My uncle had a cow in the 50s! (Rural Italy, DGM tried to breastfeed but couldn't so her friend with cows would bring her milk every morning) He's a very fit 60 something and used to represent Italy at skiing....

Actually thatd be interesting, obviously I'd choose modern day formula now if I couldn't breastfeed but I wonder if cow milk would have been healthier than 50s formula.

bigmamapeach · 14/11/2016 15:41

This article explains why the risk based language may be counter productive

bfmed.wordpress.com/2016/04/13/might-there-be-risks-of-risk-based-language/

Basically saying formula is risky might be motivating for some mums (those most capable of making a go of bf) but actually more likely to result in bf failure for those with less "self efficacy"; the mums we most want to help.

Also there was an example recently of a mother in Australia whose baby nearly starved to death because she refused to top up thinking formula was "poison".

Bf is great. Formula is not inherently risky for term healthy baby, if prepared acc instructions

bigmamapeach · 14/11/2016 15:43

And great news op, hoping things continue to improve and you enjoy lots of lovely cuddles and good times with baby, however fed. Xxx

ErrolTheDragon · 14/11/2016 16:53

Interesting piece in latest New Scientist

bumbleymummy · 14/11/2016 16:58

It talks about bm taking a few days to come in as if it's a problem. 😕Surely that is perfectly normal. Collostrum first and then milk coming in after a couple of days...

ErrolTheDragon · 14/11/2016 17:21

Up to a point. Some women (me included, I think related to having PCOS) are slower and/or scantier than 'normal' for a bit longer. Faced with a baby who is loudly telling the world they're not satisfied, an absolutist approach may not be the best thing - in my case just a few fl oz of supplemental formula allowed us to continue.