To be devastated that I can't breastfeed my baby?

[smellsofelderberries]

My little one is 6 days old and we just can't seem to get the hang of breastfeeding, and it's really affecting me. I spend so much of the days in tears over it. I am pumping and she is having bottles, but on the rare occasion I can get her to latch she just lies there and won't suck. I have a good milk supply, but we just can't seem to make it happen I am desperate to breastfeed and don't know what else to do.
Anyone else had similar and managed to successfully transition from bottle to breast? I'm starting to lose hope
We have seen a lactation consultant at our local childhood health centre but wondering if a private consultant might be the next step, though I'm not sure how they can help if she just won't suck.

Agree with the other posters who said BF is hard. I struggled in the early days and many friends did too. In my case DD latched on fine but I had oversupply and 4 bouts of mastitis, was totally ready to pack it in when suddenly at around 6 weeks it settled down.

A wise friend told me to sit on the couch all day and relax. I wish I'd had some decent box sets but it did help to think this was my time to get my head around it and to get to know my DD.

Don't panic! Take your time and don't feel pressured. And yes, speak to a counsellor through NCT, NHS or LLL. That helps too. There's also probably a BF group in your area where you could meet other mums going through the same thing.

Hey there OP. First of all please don't give yourself a hard time. I did and I wish I could go back and not be so hard on myself! My twins were early and had to be bottle fed (expressed) in the hospital. It was a battle getting them back on the breast and we used to have screaming fits (me and them!) and pumping/trying to breastfeed was so so hard. We got there though - one twin I just managed to squeeze my nipple and 'post' it into her mouth and that suddenly worked, and the other took until 10 weeks to be totally off the bottle but a lot of hat was me being paranoid about her getting enough. It can be done - keep relaxing, skin to skin, trying before and after bottle and one day it will click. I also used nipple shields with twin 2 until she was five months as she could latch into those like a bottle teat. Ironically they are both now bottle refusers! Pumping is so hard and you have given your baby a great start by giving her your milk up to now. Well done

Just a thought-have you tried nipple shields to help her latch on. It worked for me and after a couple of weeks I was able to stop using them.

Well done for keeping going if it feels right. I had never been so determined. Turns out baby had TT that was missed by several 'experts'

Sorry of this has been said already, but go online and find your nearest NCT breastfeeding support person. I would never have managed to breast feed without.

Sorry, haven't RTFT but if you can afford a private consultant, get one. It was the best money we ever spent. Had similar issues to you with my first and was devastated. Three sessions with a consultant and we were feeding happily and continued to do so for years after that.

it's really not the end of the world. Can you tell which adults you know were breastfed? No. Don't beat yourself up.

It's ok, you love your baby, she loves you. The method of feeding does not matter in the scheme of things. It is actually one of the hardest things I've ever done and could only do it with help from the lactation consultant after expressing. First time round didn't manage to do it at all past days.

There are so many factors with bf. The baby's tongue, the baby's activeness, the baby's mouth size, your nipples, your flow etc etc etc. None of these are under your control. It's bloody hard when it doesn't just work straight off.

Look for a BfN (Breastfeeding Network) group in your area, or you can call their support line free on 0300 100 0212. All the supporters have been through breastfeeding themselves and have been trained to help. Please don't struggle in silence...

OP - such good advice on this thread.

I agree with everyone - see an expert. Do it now.

Protect your milk supply - still continue to hold your baby skin to skin and against your breasts as much as you can. Express every few hours to protect your supply.

And you are allowed to feel sad if you end up not breastfeeding. It's ok. You are allowed to be disappointed.

Breastfeeding is the only parenting choice where people will fall over themselves to say it doesn't matter if you don't get to do what you want. If you wanted to bottle feed and your baby wouldn't take a bottle, nobody here would say 'it won't make a difference, just breastfeed instead!' You have a right to your feelings and your choices and you should be supported in your attempts to breastfeed. 5 days is so early, babies grow and learn and all is not lost.

BUT

You need to protect your supply

You need to get milk (breast milk or formula) into your baby any which way until you little one can breastfeed,

These are the things you need to focus on for now.

Good luck!

My DS never latched once, not one single time. I was like you and expressed and tried and tried and tried and broke my heart over it. In the end I did what a PP suggested upthread and gave myself six weeks and was determined to try everything and if it didn't happen then I would stop. I literally tried everything, I saw five different feeding advisors (two at the hospital, two at home and one NCT) and none of them could make him latch, much less suck. I tried shields, I tried finger feeding, cup feeding, syringe feeding, millions of hours of skin to skin and 'biological nurturing', he got his tongue tie snipped, but nothing worked. I expressed 8 times day and night and was exhausted and broken by the whole thing, I also had supply problems though which didn't help. At six weeks I stopped and was devastated but I knew it was the right thing to do. We switched to formula and you know what? He was fine. I was fine. We are fine. It was a huge relief to stop in the end and although I would never put myself through all that again, I'm glad I persevered.

so, tips - set a deadline. Ask for help and keep asking. Get tongue tie checked. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. And try to enjoy your baby as much as you can and remember that breastfeeding might be the gold standard but if it doesn't workk then it is not your fault.

I pumped for my ds for 4 months, at which point he latched on with nipple shields, which i was eventually able to discard. B/fed him for 14 m

With dd it took only 6 weeks; nipple shields again. B/fed her for 2 years.

My lactation consultant told me that 84% of the benefits of b/f are transferred in the first 12 weeks. If you can pump for that long, you've done magnificently.

Try for a latch ; but don't stress yourself over it.

God it's really tough at first isn't it?

Great advice on here - get specialist help and go from there.

I developed PND partially from how bloody difficult feeding was - I wasn't able to access any help where I lived and it was awful. Painful - more so than the c section (which wasn't straightforward.)
At this point your body is being blasted by hormones too and you're shattered and a bit shell shocked. Go easy on yourself.
Eventually, after ten weeks, it just kind of resolved itself. I still don't know why. But it was ok from then.

Get all the help you can and hopefully you'll get it sorted but if not don't beat yourself up- some babies just don't crack it and formula is a perfectly ok way to feed! Enjoy your baby - as long as she is feeding, her needs are being met. And look after yourself too. I put myself under so much pressure and looking back, that triggered the terrible pnd I still have a year on.

Good luck.

As she takes a bottle, I would try nipple shields, as the teat is similar. I had to use them due to flat nipples but my DD has just weaned herself off them at four months (kept ripping them off and chucking them; slapped me on the face with one!). It might be a good way to make the transition.

I've had no supply problems at all using them and would have happily used them indefinitely. Even now I keep them handy.

View from the other side: I apparently never latched on as a baby, and my mum said she felt like a failure and really inadequate. But 30 years later, never having had breast milk, I am one of the healthiest, least-often-ill people I know, and my mum and I have always been close.

Hope you feel better soon, whether you get more success with the breastfeeding or not.

I really empathise with your post, OP. I've got a 20 week old who couldn't latch to begin with due to being very unwell at birth and taking a while to recover. He was tube fed and then bottle fed and didn't have a clue how to latch. At 6 days old all feeds were bottle, and about 90% expressed milk with some formula if I hadn't managed to express enough. It was deja-vu for me as I'd had nearly the same situation with my older child.

My main point would be not to despair and feel like you're not getting anywhere. This time around, I decided to just take it a day at a time and not think long term at all. I expressed regularly to keep my supply up, and accepted that I might need to use some formula if for some reason I couldn't express enough. At each feed I'd try to see if DS2 would latch on, before giving a bottle. I used Medela Calma bottles to try and encourage the right mouth action when feeding. To begin with he basically never latched on, just mouthed a bit and then let go. Eventually he would latch for a moment or two. Then he would latch for a very short feed, and gradually he got stronger and able to feed for longer. The amounts we gave in the bottle got smaller and then we got to the point where I stopped giving bottles altogether. He was fully breastfed from about 3 weeks old. My eldest son was similar, but had more trouble keeping a good latch, but was fully breastfed from about 6 to 8 weeks. I also used nipple shields for a while with him as his latch damaged my nipples in the beginning.

I don't know if any of that helps, and good luck with it all

Has she been checked for tongue tie?

Nothing to add but I just wanted to say congratulations on the birth of your baby elderberries

Cisoff

Oblada, no. Not if you live in the UK. That's just not true."
What is not true?

What a mother trying to bf is support and encouragement but there is no need to downplay the risks associated with alternative feeding. It's about facts, informed choice and for that a mother needs the truth. I would never thank anyone not giving me accurate information just to make it easier for me.

But yes ultimately alternatives are there, they serve a purpose, it will definitely not be the end of the world but it isn't neutral at all.

Very good advice on here OP - follow yout guts and your baby's lead!

Congratulations. I see it has already been mentioned a couple of times, but please try the nipple shields. They saved my sanity and I really wish someone had suggested them to me before I out myself through weeks of torture. Even if you have to keep using them, it's no big deal. Whatever works for you and your baby. Goof luck

"The way I see it - breast feeding is like an Olympic gold medal."

No it's not. No need to idealise it. It's just the physiologically normal way to feed a baby that the majority of women did without massive difficulty

For most of human history.

Breastfeeding a baby is a completely different experience from formula feeding. You and your baby have to be in synch physically for it to work well, but when it does work well it's can be - in a positive way - a very deep and intense experience on a physical and emotional level. Hormonally a breastfeeding mother is different from a mother who isn't breastfeeding, and this impacts on her feelings, behaviour and her relationship with her baby.

Nobody really wants to acknowledge that this is a big part of why women are sometimes distressed when they can't breastfeed.

Being able to breastfeed really does matter to some women. Not because of the health issues, but because it's how they want to do things as a mother. They have a right to their feelings of sadness about not being able to do it, and it's disrespectful to constantly be telling them that it doesn't matter if they couldn't breastfeed. It matters to them, so let's be mindful of that.

Breast compressions could be a useful trick to try.

Try to be gentle with yourself. 6 days is still early on. Nothing is definite one way or another yet, you still have time. I have seen lots of mums and babies get things going after 6 days. Things do not always go to plan, but you are doing an amazing job of pumping and with a bit more time, patience and skilled help the chances are you will get there .

Have you tried ringing the National Breastfeeding Helpline on 0300 100 0212. They will not judge. They are used to people crying down the phone to them, and they can offer real practical help over the phone. Open for another hour tonight, and then from 9.30am every day.

Good luck.

And the constant chorus of 'it doesn't matter how a baby is fed!' engenders a social attitude towards breastfeeding which justifies all the bloody cuts currently being made to breastfeeding support in the community. After all, why bother investing money supporting something which doesn't matter to women or babies!