To be devastated that I can't breastfeed my baby?

[smellsofelderberries]

My little one is 6 days old and we just can't seem to get the hang of breastfeeding, and it's really affecting me. I spend so much of the days in tears over it. I am pumping and she is having bottles, but on the rare occasion I can get her to latch she just lies there and won't suck. I have a good milk supply, but we just can't seem to make it happen I am desperate to breastfeed and don't know what else to do.
Anyone else had similar and managed to successfully transition from bottle to breast? I'm starting to lose hope
We have seen a lactation consultant at our local childhood health centre but wondering if a private consultant might be the next step, though I'm not sure how they can help if she just won't suck.

I 'failed' at breastfeeding ALL of my children..all four. One tongue tied, one lazy, one tiny and too weak to suck, and one born with a disability.
I felt like a failure, I pumped for months and months like a depressed cow, especially with no 4 who had no hope of ever latching on.!

But you know what? I ended up with four healthy wonderful kids... no one cares one jot that they couldn't breast feed when I finally accepted defeat.
Bottle fed, content, and now fabulous young adults.

It took me years to forgive myself and it spoiled my early months with them, but in the grand scheme of parenting... it really doesn't matter!!!! Babies need love and milk. Breast is 'best' but a happy mother is most important.
When I admitted defeat and formula fed my children I had happy, fed babies.

Don't be obtuse oblada. 'many risks'??

Unadulterated cows milk isn't made for babies, now is it? No. Lets not exaggerate, hmm?

You've mentioned you're in Au. 24 hours a day 7 days a week you can ring the freecall phone number here www.breastfeeding.asn.au/breastfeeding-helpline and talk to a qualified breastfeeding counsellor about what's happening with you, what's happening with your baby, the big picture of your situation and your feelings. You can ring more than once if you want additional help with the same issue or help with a different issue.
The ABA (Australian Breastfeeding Association) website in general also has accurate evidence-based information and you can scout through it yourself at any time.
You can also search the ABA website by postcode to find your local ABA group and see if there are any group meetings coming up nearby in the next few days or weeks. If you're in a heavily-populated metropolitan area it's very likely there'll be a face-to-face gathering, with a trained breastfeeding counsellor and other mothers and babies there, somewhere near you within the next few days. If you're in a more regional or rural or remote area there's likely to be a face-to-face get together, with a breastfeeding counsellor and other mothers and babies, within the next few weeks or sooner. You can still ring the 24-hour freecall helpline any time.

You also mentioned you might seek advice from a private consultant. You can go to the Lactation Consultants of Australia and New Zealand website to find an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant. You can be certain that an IBCLC has extensive training and clinical expertise to advise and support you and help you and your baby to breastfeed. People in hospitals, GP practices, specialists' practices, pharmacies or any other place who loosely use the term 'lactation consultant' aren't IBCLCs.

I have 4 children. I breastfed 3 of them with no worries whatsoever. However No 3 really pushed me out of my comfort zone! In retrospect, I wish I'd pushed it further but at the same time, I can clearly remember crying as she fed as it hurt so much. I also remember crying at the farm toddler group when I bottle fed her. I honestly didn't believe people judged that kind of shit but apparently they did, even back in 2003. I wasted so much of such a precious time worrying about this crap.

She is now top of her all her classes, captain of her sports team, 5'9" and one of the nicest people I've ever met. It's a long game. It's ok to give yourself a break. Just love your baby!

I didn't notice that you were in Australia.

As it happens, I fed my second two children for 2 years. My first baby I had in the UK. While the midwife care was second to none, the follow up LC care was very difficult to access. They do it so much better in Australia (though I much preferred the UK midwife led pregnancy care).

cisoff - no need to be rude! And of course many risks! Have you ever researched it? Not the place here for me to get into the details of it but it's easy to look up really. It may make more sense to you if I explain that I don't think the 'breast is best' campaign/slogan is helpful and instead we need to re-state things as they are: bf is the biological norm, it has no 'benefit', instead the alternative has risks.

As it turns out apparently there are very few differences between giving an infant 'normal' cow milk and formula (learned that recently! Found it quite interesting). Fully agree with you tho that cow milk (in any form, normal, formula etc) isn't (originally) made for babies.

No scaremongering just the plain truth. Again it doesn't mean formula isn't appropriate in some cases and indeed a baby can thrive on it of course. And yes feeding a child is the ultimate goal.
But I do not want to downplay the reality of the differences or indeed the depths of a mother's feelings of disappointment if things are not going well. I don't think pretending otherwise helps anyone.

I had terrrible difficulties in the early weeks of breastfeeding. We had a poor latch, which caused vasospasm, which was agony. I wasn't helped by well-intentioned but poorly informed 'support' from health visitors and volunteers congratulating me on what a great latch we had and encouraging me to keep at it, even though they had no idea why my nipple was white and I was crying in pain...

I found the Jack Newman website really helpful. They have some good, evidence based, information sheets about all kinds of issues, including finger/cup feeding, and nipple shields: www.breastfeedinginc.ca/content.php?pagename=information

In the end, I called the LLL helpline in despair, and through them found an amazing lactation consultant. She spent some time observing us feeding, before making a couple of small suggestions which made a massive difference. I went on to feed DS well into toddlerhood, and it was such an integral part of our relationship. We were very lucky.

Be kind to yourself OP 💐

"but in the grand scheme of parenting... it really doesn't matter!!!"

With respect - none of us know how much feeding method may matter or not matter to anyone else. If someone says it's important to them then we have to take them at their word.

As for knowing how infant diet affects health and development in children - if we just went on anecdotal evidence we'd have to conclude that ff your baby was a sure route to having tall children who have never visited a GP, are top of their class and shit gold nuggets, as 99.9% of posts on this site by mums who have ff say that this is the case. Of course they do - if you don't breastfeed you have a pretty major emotional investment in believing it doesn't make a difference to babies. Actually it's a complicated issue and nobody can give assurances about short or long term outcomes.

Yes I have.
No, there aren't.

In a developed country, full of mothers who can read a formula tin and follow instructions, with baby formula that is quality checked, it really isn't that complicated.

It comes second, but a very close second.

"Yes I have.
No, there aren't."

NHS

This NHS information isn't supportive of your stance. The evidence for this information comes from studies done in developed countries.

In any case, it's not helpful to the OP to engage in an argument over this issue. The OP wants to breastfeed. That's all anyone needs to know.

minifingerz - you're putting so much better than me! Thank you.

Cisoff - we will have to agree to disagree. What comes close second is expressed breastmilk, then donor milk. The gap after that widens. It may be worth looking at the studies actually done on this matter. But agreed this is not at all the point of this thread.

I had exactly the same issue with my first. I expressed for a good month before DS latched on.

Someone told me, and it helped a lot, although it sounds batshit crazy, to look your baby in the eye and open your mouth wide and push your tongue out slightly over your bottom lip. Best done at home behind closed doors. They copy you after a few times and it's supposed to help them strengthen their latch. Also, try putting the baby on a bed and pop your boob in from a crouching position overhead.

Don't beat yourself up about it, your baby is receiving ample sustenance right now. Went on to BF the next two DC, Dc2 latched on with no problem whatsoever, DC3, a few issues.

Hi, OP. I haven't read all the posts, but I just wanted to let you know that I managed to get my son to exclusively breastfeed after six weeks of mixed breast, expressed bottle and formula.
I won't say that it was easy, especially as he wouldn't wake up to feed so feeding and expressing used to take about two hours. I always tried to feed himself first, then expressed, then formula. I would suggest that you always give your DD the breast but not to get too stressed (if possible!) If she really isn't interested, offer her a bottle , but offer her the breast again next time.
I would also recommend that you see a Lactation consultant to check if there are any other problems.
Hang in there. It is possible.

oblada

I have read quite a lot of the literature (I'm a a scientist) and it's actually surprisingly difficult to quantify what, if any, benefit it has. I'm sure breast is best, if nothing else due to the biologics, but in countries with clean water and good health care it's really difficult to reduce all the confounding factors and pick out specifically what breast milk is doing. The Brazilian IQ study is widely cited but if you read the methodology it's not clear that they have adequately controlled for socioeconomic factors etc (in my opinion, but I am quite qualified to make that opinion.)
Breast may be best on a population level but on an invidual mum/baby level what's best is what fits that mum and baby. That can be formula, breast or a mixture of the two. To have a mum struggling to breast feed and tell them that formula is risky and inferior is, in my opinion, both cruel and inaccurate. There is no risk in a country with safe water and good hygiene practises. The risk to the mother's mental health from feeling guilty/pressured/inedaquate however is significant.
Formula is a safe alternative.
No one should be made to feel bad about how they feed their baby. I breast feed but if I have another I will mix feed, because what is best for me on an individual level is to be able to have more than an hours sleep in a row for a year at a time.

"To have a mum struggling to breast feed and tell them that formula is risky and inferior is, in my opinion, both cruel and inaccurate. There is no risk in a country with safe water and good hygiene practises. The risk to the mother's mental health from feeling guilty/pressured/inedaquate however is significant."

Exactly what I was trying to say - but far more succinct! Thank you ThinkOf.

Op I haven't rtft but wanted to say it took me two weeks with both my babies for BF to kick in and actually work for both me abd them so that I wasn't screaming in pain.

Personally I am very glad I persisted but I also think you should not feel bad if it doesn't work out. I'm only telling you because I think thst if you want to BF it's very normal for the first two weeks to be a struggle. I think if more women were prepared for that we might have higher bf rates in the UK.

My first I fed until he was 2. Child 2 and 3 there was no chance. Is there any difference now they are 5 and 7. Absolutely not. Be kind to yourself. People say it's the most natural thing in the world. It really isn't it's hard!

I think that telling someone who is struggling with breastfeeding that the alternative is risky/dangerous/disadvantageous etc could be counterproductive, as it will add even more stress - and stress is cannot be conducive to happy, successful breastfeeding, can it?

And if you know that there is a safe, acceptable alternative, might that help you relax enough to make bf easier?

I don't know why people get so upset, it's 2016, our baby isn't going to die if we can't breast feed as we have all these great aklternatives available. As long as your baby is happy and healthy what's the problem. You have a new baby and have enough to worry about without starting to doubt your own abilities and be hard on yourself.
I breast fed for two weeks, hated it, my baby hated it, went onto bottle and peace and calm was restored to the world.
He is 34 now and turned out great.

Very good advice on the thread. She wants to breastfeed and I am sure it will work out. Just keep offering the breast every couple of hours. Hire an Australian lactation consultant. Use as few bottles as possible, no need to express, just keep feeding 6 days is very early.

if you don't want to carry on don't worry about that (although I must say breastfeeding my babies for a year plus is actually one of the most important experience and best memories of my entire life by the way so it is not as simple for some of us as simply being content with not doing it).

Thinkof - this is the not the right thread for me to list all the risks associated with not breastfeeding but I cannot possibly agree with you. The WHO does not, the NHS does not, the French health system does not (no experience of other countries).

Breastfeeding has no inherent benefits (breast is not best) alternatives have risks. Let's also remember that formula is a very recent "invention" so let's approach it with the caution it calls for and let's try to side step the brainwashing our societies have endured over the last few decades by manufacturers of baby milk.

As for the guilt/stress element we all have to deal with it in various aspects of our lives (working/not working, childcare arrangements, sleeping techniques and arrangements, punishment/no punishment system, school choice, lifestyle choices, weaning methods, physical punishment, reward system etc etc), downplaying the reality is infantilising not helping.

I would not want anyone to downplay the risks associated with CIO for instance just to spare my feelings in case I have done it with a child of mine. And indeed I would rather know before I make that choice if possible. Similarly I would not want anyone to downplay the issues/research around baby led weaning, or co-sleeping, or punishment based education, or the separation from the mother before a certain age (for instance I remember a study explaining the stress an infant potentially goes through by being separated from mum/dad I think before aged 3 and the potential consequences of that.. well I went back to work early myself, I still want to know what that study says...and I can imagine a lot of parents are not proud of having used corporal punishment in the past when it has since been shown to be so detrimental to a child's development and wellbeing but this does not mean we should ignore that)

But again not the right thread for this debate :) so let's leave it at that.

I do not think there are any major risks associated with formula feeding in the developed world, when the formula is prepared and used according to the guidelines.

If there were major risks, and babies were suffering significant damage due to formula, we would know all about it. We live in an Information Age, where there are a plethora of information sources that are independent/not controlled by or reliant on formula manufacturers. I do not believe that anything that was damaging babies would be kept secret from the general public.

Oblada, your comments really are unhelpful, but I am glad that I know logically my baby will be fine if she has formula. In some ways, I can actually see some benefits as right now I know exactly how much food she is getting, and as she is currently being given bottles (mostly expressed), about 2/3rds of them are given by her Dad while I pump, which is a wonderful thing both for his self-esteem as a new parent and for their relationship. The main reason I want to breastfeed is a very personal one, and while I am hard on myself for not being able to make it work yet, I also refused to be shamed or told I am not doing the best thing by my baby for feeding her in whatever way we need to, to ensure she grows and is putting on weight as such a fragile age. The last thing I want is for her to be readmitted to hospital for not putting on weight because I am too stubborn to give her anything but the breast.

Thank you again to all of those who have offered both moral support and links to various organisations for me to access, it's really wonderful to know how much support is out there for me to succeed on this journey. Baby girl managed to latch for a few minutes each side last night and was actually sucking (not sure she was getting anything as I had just pumped and I couldn't hear swallowing), so that felt like a huge achievement, and little one seemed very content while we were trying to get on, which is what we are aiming for. I have found a local group run by the Australian Breastfeeding Association so will pop along to that, probably when DH is back at work.

Thanks again for all the encouragement, makes me feel like we'll get there in the end. Probably helps that my milk supply seems to have come on massively in the past 24 hours so we are a few feeds ahead and I don't feel chained to the pump. And my baby is putting on weight like a champ and her jaundice is almost gone, so I guess we're doing something right!

You are doing incredibly! Your dd is very lucky to have such a together hard working determined mama

So if you know it's not the right thread why couldn't you just shut your piehole oblada? Again because you are one of those militants who think it's your job to push your own agenda on others time and time again