Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to steer DS away from 'his' career

130 replies

BandOfOsses · 09/11/2016 22:19

My DS is a bit of a live wire, always in trouble at school for messing around, not doing homework, misbehaving etc. At home too he steals, lies, swears and is basically a bit of a 'bad lad'.
As he's in his final year at school now I'm trying to stir up an interest in careers just to give him a sense of direction. I am trying to steer him away from college as I believe it's too much like school for him. Instead I'd like him to do an apprentiship where he is gaining work experience, working towards a qualification and earning money.

I have so far pushed mechanics, electrician and engineering.

The latest one is an engineering company which is advertising for 2017 apprentiship applications. I sent the link to DS and then broadly mentioned it to DH.

DH is an engineer. This company is not the same company he works for however, unbeknown to me, he has links and contacts there. DH has now thrown a hissy fit saying I'm being insensitive to steer DS towards engineering as his bad behaviour etc will reflect on him. He says work is his time away from my DS and now he feels he's been invaded by the possibility of DS applying for an apprentiship at this company. He now wants me to steer DS away from engineering completely as he doesn't wish to associate with him in a working environment.

AIBU to think this is out of order? I'm trying to get DS to focus on career stuff and DH is just concerned with how it will effect him. He's saying "why not send him to work with his own dad?" - his own dad is a shelf stacker at Tesco.

AIBU or is DH?

OP posts:
GazingAtStars · 09/11/2016 22:22

It depends how likely it is that their names will be associated. If your ds is really that much of a disruptive influence I'm not surprised your DH doesn't want him where his bad behaviour could reflect on him. It's your DHs career after all. Does your ds even want to consider engineering?

NapQueen · 09/11/2016 22:22

Dh could be more supportive of your ds however

  1. I can understand why he may wish his reputation remain protected in his career
  2. You sound incredibly involved in steering ds places in his future, more so than giving his current and previous bad behaviour your attentions
  3. Does your ds know what he wants? Surely that is most important?
HRarehoundingme · 09/11/2016 22:22

Is he interested in engineering?

I can see dps point. If ds is going to work for a company that dp knows and works with it makes things difficult if your son is a bad lad. In fact dp may feel at liberty to tell someone there about his antics as if they find out their related especially if dsk behaves badly IT WILL reflect on do and may cause issues with his work.

Crunchymum · 09/11/2016 22:24

Your DH sounds like a cunt.

If that is his attitude towards your DS then no wonder the boy is a 'bad lad'

splendidglenda · 09/11/2016 22:25

I think you need to look at the bigger picture here . He NEEDS this apprenticeship to get him back on track. Go for it. If dh gets any flack then maybe he can just say that he believes in his son and believes that this is the best thing for him.

Crunchymum · 09/11/2016 22:26

Sorry I may have been overly harsh with the C word.

Reading between the lines though, your DH doesn't sound very supportive of your son?

RiverTam · 09/11/2016 22:27

You seem to be underplaying your DS's behaviour, calling him 'a bit of a bad lad' when in fact he's a disruptive, foul-mouthed thief. You're also dismissive of your DH's perfectly reasonable concerns, I can well understand why he feels as he does, presumably he's worked hard and has a good reputation.

RiverTam · 09/11/2016 22:29

I reckon both parents' attitudes to their son are at fault here with one being indulgent (the OP) and the other unhelpful. That doesn't negate the DH's concerns, however he needs to get involved in helping his son get back on track.

Original poster
BandOfOsses · 09/11/2016 22:30

I am dealing with DS behaviour. I am in constant contact with the school, have arranged one on one weekly meetings with his head of year so DS can reflect On his week/behaviour etc. I arranged for police to visit us to discuss the stealing with him and am currently in contact with social services trying to get support

OP posts:
Original poster
BandOfOsses · 09/11/2016 22:31

Just to add DS is not DHs son.

OP posts:
splendidglenda · 09/11/2016 22:32

Having read this again I also fully understand your dhs perspective. It could be very stressful for him. Is there another company that isn't so connected to dhs one, or is it that everyone knows everyone in his industry?

Crunchymum · 09/11/2016 22:32

OP, do you generally feel supported by your DH in regards to your son?

CorkieD · 09/11/2016 22:33

What age is your DS?

You seem to be very heavily involved in choosing your DS's future career. This is a decision for your DS.

You do need to focus on your DS's behaviour. It sound completely unacceptable.

Original poster
BandOfOsses · 09/11/2016 22:33

It seems to be that everyone knows everyone In his line of work but I didn't realise this when I sent DS the advert.

OP posts:
AmberEars · 09/11/2016 22:34

Sorry, but I think your DH has a point here. Your DS's behaviour could reflect badly on him if things don't go well. It would be different if it was something your DS was desperate keen to do, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Nanny0gg · 09/11/2016 22:35

As this is your DH's field, why didn't you discuss ideas with him first before pushing your son in that direction? Surely he'd have useful insights.

splendidglenda · 09/11/2016 22:35

I don't think that the op is necessarily indulgent as she IS addressing these issues fully but is trying to be proactive in getting the apprenticeship lined up

EweAreHere · 09/11/2016 22:36

Pick your DS under these circumstances. Pick your DS.

If he thinks he would like trying engineering, has the ability/brains to be an engineer, let him go for the apprenticeship. Especially if you think this would be the change he needs to start focusing on building a future and growing up. It's his future, and he has just as much of a right to one as your DH. You, as a parent, should support him in this.

Your DH needs to grow up. He can distance himself from DS if he wants to. But you need to support your son.

RiverTam · 09/11/2016 22:38

I disagree completely with Ewe. Yea, of course she should support her son, but not at the expense of her DH's career. And it doesn't sound like she's done much research at all.

PlymouthMaid1 · 09/11/2016 22:40

Sorry I can see where DH is coming from although I do understand wby you want to steer your son a bit. I would also worry that if he doesn't sort himself out he will screw up such opportunities anyway. Engineering apprenticeships are quite competitive.

StarBears · 09/11/2016 22:41

I would probably agree with your DH, although not in him throwing a hissy fit about it.

Having said that, the chances of your DS doing something so bad it would span companies, to be associated with your DH, is remote. More likely is that your DS would turn up late too many times and just be let go, it wouldn't warrant a ripple for more than 30 seconds on the shop floor and nobody would really notice.

Even so, for the peace of your relationship with your DH and his with his DSS, I would think up other career options to suggest to your DS. Still loads more to try. Sales, retail, recruitment, hospitality (hotels etc), food... what does he like to do?

EweAreHere · 09/11/2016 22:43

I think DH is being overly dramatic. DS is not his son; he is his Stepson. No one even needs to know they're related by marriage if he's that bothered by his wife's son trying to find an apprenticeship and turn his life around.

I think he sounds like a jerk. DS will be judged for his own behavior. DH will not be 'blamed' for DS if it doesn't work out.

squiggleirl · 09/11/2016 22:49

I think you need to tread carefully.

I disagree with your husband's attitude to your son undertaking any sort of engineering apprenticeship. However, I think he is absolutely right to protect his professional persona.

Your son is a liability. Lying and swearing is one thing, stealing is a criminal activity. Your son doesn't know how to behave, or chooses not to. He has demonstrated a lack of respect for the law, those in a position of authority, and general social norms.

Your husband works to provide for his family, and it's reasonable that he would take pride in his work. He has a reputation, and in a professional environment it is important to preserve that reputation.

There are plenty of phrases that come to mind with the scenario you are proposing:
'You lie with dogs you get fleas'
'The apple doesn't fall far from the tree'
'Mud sticks'

With these phrases in mine, would you be happy to be both personally and professionally with somebody who doesn't complete assigned tasks, lies, uses inappropriate language, and to top it off is a thief.

People have a chance to get to know your husband in your personal life, and so form the opinion that he's nothing like his son. However, in a work environment, people have isolated interactions, but join dots based on incomplete information. They form likely connections, make assumptions to fill in the blanks, and for your husband that is potentially catastrophic.

UseTheForceBen · 09/11/2016 22:49

If he isn't his son then they won't have the same name so why would everyone associate them?

TheGruffaloMother · 09/11/2016 22:49

Why are you 'steering' at all?? Confused Many of the most focused children in his year will have absolutely no idea what they want to do later on. Might be better to open a discussion about what he's actually interested in as a start point rather than pushing him to make his first important independent decisions about his life based on what you think.