DH wanting me to steer DS away from 'his' career

[BandOfOsses]

My DS is a bit of a live wire, always in trouble at school for messing around, not doing homework, misbehaving etc. At home too he steals, lies, swears and is basically a bit of a 'bad lad'.
As he's in his final year at school now I'm trying to stir up an interest in careers just to give him a sense of direction. I am trying to steer him away from college as I believe it's too much like school for him. Instead I'd like him to do an apprentiship where he is gaining work experience, working towards a qualification and earning money.

I have so far pushed mechanics, electrician and engineering.

The latest one is an engineering company which is advertising for 2017 apprentiship applications. I sent the link to DS and then broadly mentioned it to DH.

DH is an engineer. This company is not the same company he works for however, unbeknown to me, he has links and contacts there. DH has now thrown a hissy fit saying I'm being insensitive to steer DS towards engineering as his bad behaviour etc will reflect on him. He says work is his time away from my DS and now he feels he's been invaded by the possibility of DS applying for an apprentiship at this company. He now wants me to steer DS away from engineering completely as he doesn't wish to associate with him in a working environment.

AIBU to think this is out of order? I'm trying to get DS to focus on career stuff and DH is just concerned with how it will effect him. He's saying "why not send him to work with his own dad?" - his own dad is a shelf stacker at Tesco.

AIBU or is DH?

[AuntieStella]

"What exactly is wrong with DS doing work in a shop? "

Nothing in itself, but the age for participation in education has been raised, so unless it's an apprenticeship or has some other training component, a 16 yo can't just take a job in Tesco.

I agree strongly with the other posters that you can't do this for him and expect it to go well. You're presenting him with option after option and he's just scorning them. He needs to make the choices and it doesn't sound as if he is remotely ready to do so.

I hope the promised help for school and agencies actually materialises soon, and makes a positive difference.

In the meantime, it does sound as if your DH's relationship with him is broken (if he sees his working time as a valuable escape from him that he cannot do without). How did that situation come about? How long has it been going on for? How involved a step-parent is he?

And how involved has your XH/XP been with his son?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

You know that he steals yet

I have so far pushed mechanics, electrician

So you are pushing him towards areas where he is left alone with other peoples belongings.

and engineering.

Although he doesn't like school/education and is disruptive.

Penhacked

I thought engineering was a degree type subject, not something you could learn as an apprentice.

Engineering apprenticeships are coming back in to fashion, they will include days at college and if the apprentice is proficient, companies will enable them to up to Masters level. etc.

[user1471521456]

Something else to consider is that everybody already knows your DH has a "bad lad" stepson and it gets around that he has got an apprenticeship (and workplaces are generally terrible for gossip), your DS could be starting his apprenticeship with a bad reputation. Is that going to help him turn his life around?

[Bruce02]

How likely is it that an association will be made if he is not working at the same place? Probably nil.

That's not always true. Yes high up people may not know an apprentices name. But unless the ds is banned from mentioning who is step dad is, it will get mentioned.

I work for a company and one of my clients is the company my brother works for. Of course it's come out in conversation. If one of us was caught stealing, that would make up part of the story that went round.

Especially if the dh is well respected.

[My2centsworth]

Your son needs to decide what he wants to do next year. Your dhs past choices should have absolutely no bearing on your son's decision and your dh is completely out of line suggesting it should. There is no reason to think that your son and dh working in different companies will remotely influence each other's career. Why would it even come up. Your dh sounds like he may well be part of your ds' problem by even trying to influence this.

[My2centsworth]

I thought engineering was a degree type subject, not something you could learn as an apprentic

Engineering you do at university level is different to the engineering you do as an apprentice although obviously apprentices can continue their study and become Chartered Engineers should they choose.

[sterlingcooper]

I think the right thing for you to do is remove yourself from the equation re: this particular apprenticeship and see what happens.

If your DS is truly interested enough in it to obtain, fill in and send the application off his own back, and is then successful at interview, then a) he deserves the opportunity and b) it suggests a level of engagement and motivation to this opportunity on DS's part that should reassure your DH.

If your DS isn't engaged with doing the application himself, getting it in by the deadline etc then I don't think you should chivvy him into it or do it for him. He needs to show some commitment and interest himself here. And if he doesn't apply and/or doesn't get through the interview, then your DH has nothing to worry about, and it was never going to be a feasible opportunity for your DS anyway.

[LetsAllEatCakes]

Your ds needs to push himself not be pushed by you. If he needs pushing into this field then he's not that keen and motivated and will easily be a bad worker.

Are you steering ds towards this because he does have a big interest or because your dh is in the industry and you feel he should help him - by getting interviews connections etc?

Do you baby your ds by steering him and doing a lot of things for him? That may add to your dh frustration as well. We have someone in thr family who is just like your son from the sounds of things and I've given up listening to his mum say what bad things he's done that week because she enables him. She found him his jobs, she drops him at work and back despite their being a bus and she bends over backwards for him to.the detriment of her other child. You may not be like this with your ds but it's worth considering if you are.

[RebelRogue]

Does DS even want to do this? Does he have an interest in engineering?

[AllPowerfulLizardPerson]

I'm not sure the DH is the one applying influence - that's all coming from the OP. He's asking her not to push him in to this specific apprenticeship (and by extension, others offered by companies where he is well-known or where work areas closely overlap). Which in itself isn't unreasonable, given that there is no sign that the DS is remotely interested in any of this.

He sounds exasperated, probably both with OP and DS at the moment.

Is this a one-off? Or does he throw hissy fits about everything. If the former, then it's likely that this is a single issue which is concerning him enough to provoke a strong reaction, and you need to respect that and talk to him again to find a way forward (which may well mean dropping the whole idea unless your DS has a burning desire for work in this field),

[HarleyQuinzel]

I think your DH may have a point but he completely overreacted, it's not like it's his son so I don't think anyone would judge him for your DS behaviour.

To the person who said about stealing, apprentices aren't meant to be left alone.

Your not forcing him OP so it's fine, I went to college and I always wish I did an apprenticeship or went straight to work (not an option now I know) instead. I wasn't great at school and the lack of structure at college didn't help me at all, I just didn't go.

[perditalost]

Is he going to pass his maths GCSE?

[HarleyQuinzel]

He's probably not too keen on working with the same company as his step dad either OP so get him to look at the other options.

[PlumsGalore]

In an ideal world I would say army, sign him up send him off, but it doesn't work like that I know.

You have my sympathy OP, as usual mum is trying to rally everyone around and keep the peace and is stuck in the middle.

Does he gave any personal interests that you could expand on to encourage him moving forwards. For example sport ? Public services at college or a fitness type course, something that gains a qualification whilst giving him the opportunity to burn off excess energy and make a new friendship group whilst growing up for a couple of years? That mixed with a Saturday job so he has no need to steal and gains a sense of self worth and appreciation for working for money is the way forward.

Good luck.

Ps I would put the engineering apprenticeship idea on hold for now and work on getting him away from the bad influence of school peers.

[HarleyQuinzel]

I would also recommend public service at college if he has any interest, the lecturers are quite strict they don't mess around. If you're late you do push ups etc.

[perditalost]

Engineering apprentices are not all an alternative to uni. There are different levels of apprentices. Some you start age 16 and some age 18.

For the age 18 ones you need A level equivalents and ideally a post 16 maths qualification. These are level 4, HND and/or degree level apprenticeships. Often called higher level apprenticeships.

For the age 16 ones you need some GCSEs and usually maths. You then complete a level 3 apprenticeship- so equivalent to a levels. Sometimes you do a level 2 then a level 3. You can go on to do further study after that.

All engineering apprenticeships are quite competitive to get if they are sound apprenticeships with decent companies.

[Marcipex]

I find it odd that anyone should be expected to welcome a disruptive dishonest liability into their workplace. What planet are we on? Your DH sounds reasonable to me.

[QuiteLikely5]

Yes our children do reflect upon us and your dh will have to accept that he has had a hand in raising your boy.

I would not listen to this man. Do what's best for your son.

[SarfEast1cated]

He might struggle to get in if he gets a bad reference from school...

[EveOnline2016]

I have worked in the same place for 13 years. It's taken me a lot to get the good reputation that I have.

I wouldn't want anyone fucking that up for me.

Your dh has financial commitments, which needs to be met and he doesn't really need a wayward teen screwing up his job.

[GeorgeTheThird]

I can see both sides, and I agree that your son sounds unlikely to gain a competitive apprenticeship place so this may come to nothing. Tread carefully - whatever you do, don't let your DS know of his step dad's reservations, he might apply just to be bloody minded and he probably doesn't want the place anyway, or doesn't know what he wants. I can see why your DH wouldn't want to be associated with him professionally - the lad needs to make his mistakes somewhere where they will do as little harm as possible.

[HyacinthFuckit]

Sounds like DH is right. There are definitely sectors in which everyone knows each other and knows how everyone knows each other. I guess it's possible DH is bullshitting about his being one, but unless you tell us exactly what type of engineering I don't think MN can know either way. We have to proceed on the basis that he's being truthful there. FWIW, I work in a niche sector too, there aren't that many workplaces, and I can't say I'd be thrilled at the possibility of someone to push my embarrassing relative into somewhere I had contacts and might want to be employed in at some point.

Your son's behaviour is such that it has the potential to cause shame and detriment to someone known to have a family association with him. Your DH, who is better qualified than you are to assess whether it could cause a problem in the sector, has told you that it could have negative repercussions for him. DS doesn't even particularly want to be in this area anyway, you could push him into anything, so why are you so keen that it has to be in DHs field? If DS really wanted to do it, that would be different, but he doesn't. Though it may be a moot point anyway, because this type of apprenticeship is hugely competitive (were you by any chance thinking that DH being an engineer might open a door or two for him...?) and someone who isn't actually arsed and isn't in the market for a stunning report from school isn't likely to be at the front of the queue.

It just seems ridiculous that of all the stuff out there, you want DS to go into something where there's the potential for him to detrimentally impact DHs career. Why is it so important to you that, of all the things DS isn't really interested in, he focuses on this particular sector?

[SarfEast1cated]

Someone mentioned the army before- is that an option? They used to teach you a trade and there are opportunities for travel etc - my knowledge may be completely out of date tho

[Morsecode]

You are being a tad too ambitious for a lying thieving disruptive individual here. How will he do at interviews? What kind of reference will he get from school? What kinds of skills can he demonstrate for an engineering apprenticeship? Are you confident that you can sneer at Tesco shelf-stacking for him or is that just you? He might not even get through at Tesco if he is a real bad egg.

You also seem as though you pander endlessly to your DS. Don't you think that may have contributed to his behaviour? You have meetings left right and centre about him, but you are unable to say in what kind of career he might be interested, what he would like to do?

So while you are busying yourself feeling outrage at your DH's understandable concerns, you forget that a career built over many years of work is certainly not worth sacrificing for your pandering of your DS. You may not have realised, but careers are incredibly important to a lot of people. I am a woman, but if I were your DH and you were digging your heels about this, I would consider LTB.

[MidniteScribbler]

A shit of a teen who has mummy applying for jobs for him has no chance of getting an apprenticeship.