DH wanting me to steer DS away from 'his' career

[BandOfOsses]

My DS is a bit of a live wire, always in trouble at school for messing around, not doing homework, misbehaving etc. At home too he steals, lies, swears and is basically a bit of a 'bad lad'.
As he's in his final year at school now I'm trying to stir up an interest in careers just to give him a sense of direction. I am trying to steer him away from college as I believe it's too much like school for him. Instead I'd like him to do an apprentiship where he is gaining work experience, working towards a qualification and earning money.

I have so far pushed mechanics, electrician and engineering.

The latest one is an engineering company which is advertising for 2017 apprentiship applications. I sent the link to DS and then broadly mentioned it to DH.

DH is an engineer. This company is not the same company he works for however, unbeknown to me, he has links and contacts there. DH has now thrown a hissy fit saying I'm being insensitive to steer DS towards engineering as his bad behaviour etc will reflect on him. He says work is his time away from my DS and now he feels he's been invaded by the possibility of DS applying for an apprentiship at this company. He now wants me to steer DS away from engineering completely as he doesn't wish to associate with him in a working environment.

AIBU to think this is out of order? I'm trying to get DS to focus on career stuff and DH is just concerned with how it will effect him. He's saying "why not send him to work with his own dad?" - his own dad is a shelf stacker at Tesco.

AIBU or is DH?

[scaryclown]

oh and if you want him to be a bit mental, unreliable, hate work and be depressed then yes, put him in for shelf stacking.

Its the most mentally dangerous job i know, and most young guys hate it and so are late, sick leave etc just to stop themselves going crazy, so it will just reinforce.

[QueenLizIII]

Scaryclown, have you read the thread. DH isnt DS' father.

it isnt just behaviour at school, he steals and swears at home too.

DS own father works in Tesco which is too good for DS to start with even though he is 16 and is a perfectly acceptable first job for many young people.

I have so far pushed mechanics, electrician and engineering.

DS apparently hasnt shown any initiative or interest in these and mum is in the driving seat. Unless DS wants it, it is a bad idea all round.

[QueenLizIII]

oh and if you want him to be a bit mental, unreliable, hate work and be depressed then yes, put him in for shelf stacking.

he is 16

Hands up how many have worked stacking shelves as a teen or have teen DC who stack shelves?

I'll be the first.....

It wont set him up for shelve stacking for life. I stacked shelves as a teen and early twenties ffs along side my studies.

No reason why DS cant start there and try college alongside rather than mum steering him to things he has not chosen.

[User1234567891011]

its rude and naive of your DH to assume 'school DS' will be the same as 'apprentice DS'.

Why wouldn't he assume that when DS behaviour at school and home are so bad? Its common sense to assume the behaviour would also be bad during the apprenticeship. He isn't a different person at home, school and an apprenticeship.

[Leanback]

I think op is looking for more of a career and direction for her son not just a job to tie him over.

[QueenLizIII]

I think op is looking for more of a career and direction for her son not just a job to tie him over.

But given his behaviour at home and school, it is very ambitious to start with an apprentice he hasnt looked for and is being steered into by his mother. If he showed a genuine interest and found it himself and wanted to do it, great, but he hasnt. His mother is doing it all for him.

Another poster makes a good point. He isnt behaving badly at home OR school, he is behaving badly at both, so it is reasonable to assume that he will do the same in an apprenticeship.

[Trifleorbust]

I sympathise with your DH because your son sounds like a little horror. That said, he doesn't get to section off a whole industry and say his DSS can't get a job in that industry in case it reflects badly on him. Sorry, the world doesn't work that way. You have made an option clear to your DS. Leave it at that. If he comes to you for encouragement, give it to him. Your DH will have to suck it up.

Stop calling your DS a 'bad lad' - he sounds like a bad lad.

[Becca19962014]

OP this site www.careerpilot.org.uk/info/your-choices-at-16/help-with-choosing-your-post-16-/ may be of help to your DS in looking at his future.

I did engineering at college - computing engineering (so software and hardware) and then it was a case of reading various books to find options. Giving him control might help, college did that for me. I was in charge of my learning, passing etc. I failed all my GCSEs, without college id never have achieved what I did.

I think he needs to take that responsibility for his future and someone needs to find out what's at the bottom of his behaviour, which could be anything at all, but it doesn't need to last.

[Trifleorbust]

Oh and Tesco jobs may not be as prestigious as a highly sought after apprenticeship, but it doesn't mean they are handed out like sweets to thugs who never turn up on time, steal and shirk work either

I teach Y11 boys and the number of (relatively) directionless and feckless lads who talk in vague terms about 'an apprenticeship' without actually trying to get the grades or work experience would horrify you. None of them get these roles. Instead, they go to highly motivated students with excellent grades who just don't want to pay uni fees. Without meaning to sound horrible, your DS at the moment would have little chance of securing an engineering apprenticeship, given how competitive they are and how little it sounds like he does. I don't think your DH has that much to worry about!

[BadLad]

Time for a namechange, perhaps.

[TheKrakenSmith]

My friend is on a three year apprenticeship with an engineering company, just started his final year.
It was super competitive, and they have to attend college. If he goes to interview, if he gets one, because mum sent him, he won't get it. Retail for a couple of years while he calms down and figures himself out might be worth his while, he can retrain any time.

[RebootYourEngine]

Maybe a job where he goes to work and doesnt have to think much about it is what he needs right now. Maybe school is too hard for him, maybe he is not academic. You never know he could be a team leader or store manager one day.

[FleurThomas]

My DH is an engineer too, and it is a tiny world (a bit like London banking) at the top where everybody knows everybody. If your DS is a thief and dishonest then it is very likely that his bad behaviour will ruin your DH's reputation - just to give you an idea, my DH cousin (also an engineer in the same field) in India got sacked from a very senior role for something unsavoury & my DH immediately had to field calls from his contacts here.

[FleurThomas]

Oh and Trifle is right. Most engineering apprenticiships go to academically able students. It's all very similar to accounting and legal apprenciships. They prefer students with 10 or so A-Cs at GCSEs.

[Greengoddess12]

What Trifle says.

Stealing swearing lying and behaving badly at school isn't a bad lad or 'being a live wire' it's dreadful behaviour and if he can't address this at 16 he's going nowhere.

[Greengoddess12]

And why would anyone assume a supermarket would have him shelf stacking? Plenty of kids do this for money in uni holidays and 6th form and they can pick and choose. Presumably the lad won't get a good end of school report.

[Yakitori]

Quite. I read the OP - he isn't going to get an apprenticeship as it currently stands. Why is he so badly behaved?

[Bruce02]

There so many issues.

Helping ds pick a career is one thing. Steering him in a direction he isn't interested in is another.

Is ds interested in sorting himself out and engineering? If not this whole thing could backfire spectacularly.

Will he even get the grades needed? My dd is 12 and wants to be an engineer. It's been made clear she must get good grades.

And yes, if he doesn't sort himself out it will reflect badly on your dh. your dh could distance himself from your ds. Tell people how he doesnt apprive if his behaviour etc. How would that be better?

People are saying if they have different names, that no one would know. Is it better if the dh bans his step child ever mentioning their relationship at work?

There are a few close relations of mine that I absolutely wouldn't want to work with.

[Hamiltoes]

Firstly, apprenticeships are really quite competitive these days- its definitely not something you can just do because you don't fancy uni or college. Most engineering apprenticeships here will want excellent grades in Maths, and lots of examples of projects or hobbies where you show you have a technical sort of mind and skills in problem solving. You really can't just wake up one day and think "perhaps I'll be an engineer". You'll make a terrible engineer, will struggle and lose interest quickly if it's not something you really want to do.

Secondly, I am most definitely on your husbands side here. Bad behaviour will reflect badly on your husband and I wouldn't want to take that risk- especially since it's actually you who thinks DS should be an engineer and not DS himself.

[Penhacked]

I thought engineering was a degree type subject, not something you could learn as an apprentice.

[cansu]

In order to get the apprenticeship he will need to improve quite dramatically at school. They are v competitive and as well as decent grades he will have to demonstrate the right attitude. If he is still pissing around when he applies he won't have a chance anyway. I would explain this to your dh so that he relaxes a bit. I think it's also worth explaining that if ds did get the job and pissed about he would be let go. No one would link him with your dh anyway. I can kind of understand your dh perspective but I think he is over reacting and catastrophising unnecessarily. I also think you need to talk to your ds about what he really wants to do. I think he must also understand that the poor attitude in school is going to limit his opportunities soon.

[sashh]

I can see both sides. Your dh has probably worked hard to get where he is and this could undermine him. He may also have sounded off at work and thinks that will influence things both with your son and his work relationships.

If everyone knows everyone then dh may be asked to give ds a reference - what can he say? He whether says ds is not a good prospect and potentially upsets you or he lies and it goes against him.

I can see you want the best for your son.

What I can't see anywhere is what your ds wants, and what he is able to achieve.

I can't see a child who doesn't do homework managing to work and study in their own time. And I can't see why an employer would want a rude disruptive employee.

College might be a better option. At least to start with.

Depending on how he does at GCSE he might only be able to get on a level 1 or Level 2 course - seeing his peers 1 or 2 years ahead might have an influence.

No one will be on his back for not doing homework, but he might not last long on the course. And that can be a real wake up call.

[topcat2014]

How likely is it that an association will be made if he is not working at the same place? Probably nil.

The chances of (presumably) senior people in company A knowing the names of apprentices in company B must be small.

If it was the same firm - then ok.

The (engineering) firm I work at has a policy of not employing family members.

[msrisotto]

I don't think your son is ready for a career yet. He needs to learn what behaviors are tolerated at work. I wouldn't be surprised if his first few jobs are a bumpy experience (to put it lightly) for him and you don't want him to burn all his bridges while in a transition phase. I agree with your DH, a shop job might be just the ticket to focus his mind.

[FleurThomas]

Engineering apprenticiships are an alternative to uni. Same time of students apply (ie academically able) but they earn while they study and will often, by 21, have a degree or be well on their way into studying for one.