DH wanting me to steer DS away from 'his' career

[BandOfOsses]

My DS is a bit of a live wire, always in trouble at school for messing around, not doing homework, misbehaving etc. At home too he steals, lies, swears and is basically a bit of a 'bad lad'.
As he's in his final year at school now I'm trying to stir up an interest in careers just to give him a sense of direction. I am trying to steer him away from college as I believe it's too much like school for him. Instead I'd like him to do an apprentiship where he is gaining work experience, working towards a qualification and earning money.

I have so far pushed mechanics, electrician and engineering.

The latest one is an engineering company which is advertising for 2017 apprentiship applications. I sent the link to DS and then broadly mentioned it to DH.

DH is an engineer. This company is not the same company he works for however, unbeknown to me, he has links and contacts there. DH has now thrown a hissy fit saying I'm being insensitive to steer DS towards engineering as his bad behaviour etc will reflect on him. He says work is his time away from my DS and now he feels he's been invaded by the possibility of DS applying for an apprentiship at this company. He now wants me to steer DS away from engineering completely as he doesn't wish to associate with him in a working environment.

AIBU to think this is out of order? I'm trying to get DS to focus on career stuff and DH is just concerned with how it will effect him. He's saying "why not send him to work with his own dad?" - his own dad is a shelf stacker at Tesco.

AIBU or is DH?

[BobbieDog]

Tbh it will look bad on dh if your son continues to a little shit outside of school.

I think the fact you dress his behaviour up as a "bad lad" signals that your too soft and maybe dismiss the way he is?

I would stop career searching for him, its up to him to do it. He sounds very pandered to.

[Nataleejah]

Your DH sounds like a right arse. Maybe thats why DS misbehaves so much

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

I think your DH is a twat. Getting sorted with the job and purpose could be what your DS needs to sort himself out. Your DH should be on board with that. He sounds very immature throwing a hissy fit and moaning about association. I'm sure he can make it well known that your DS isn't his to his work mates .

What a nasty thing though, to want him to aspire to be a shelf stacker (nothing wrong with that but you are clearly trying to get some sort of career for your DS) with his dad. Sounds like he thinks he is better than your DS and his dad.

[PuppetInParadize]

You mention 2 dads, OP. Is your DH ds's step dad? Is the guy who works in Tesco dh's dad or ds's dad?

[PilkoPumpPants]

Sorry to be harsh but I think you need it.

You sound like your way too soft on your ds. If he wants an apprenticeship he needs to grow up and choose one for himself. His nearly an adult and he needs to learn he can't just do as he pleases with no consequences because mum will fix things for him. I completely understand why your dh doesn't want him working there.

The stealing, swearing and general bad behaviour is awful at his age and needs to be dealt with before he goes in to a work place. If he steals from a company he works for his going to have a very very hard time getting another job.

[User1234567891011]

I don't blame your DH, it takes a long time to get a good reputation in your industry. Your son's behaviour would reflect badly on him if they were associated together which they could be if your son mentions him to someone.

I also agree with PP that you labeling him a 'bad lad' makes it seem like you're a bit of a soft touch. The same way people say 'boys will be boys' to let their sons get away with murder, sorry OP.

Swearing, lying and stealing is not OK at all. You shouldn't be sorting him out with anything, he is clearly not motivated to do it himself so imagine how motivated he would be to work hard, that's all I can say. Maybe he needs to get work in a call centre or so on to see what working is really like before getting into an apprenticeship where reputation is more important.

[Phalenopsisgirl]

My friends ds was totally out of control at school always in trouble, doing drugs etc. He went to college but constantly skipped class. He then got a job in the same field as his father (construction) and hasn't looked back. The work environment suits him and he is like a different lad now. School doesn't suit everyone.

[PuppetInParadize]

And what does DS want to do? what's he interested in? Those should be the starting points. I sympathise as I know I worry more than DH does about the future.

[wobblywonderwoman]

I think your dh is right to not want to have his work associated with Ds as he is not trustworthy at the moment.

We don't know the full truth but if you are in school weekly, it is not a minor behaviour issue here

[EddieStobbart]

Has your DS ever had any paid work experience? I don't mean to be a downer but this kind of apprenticeship sounds like it will be incredibly competitive. Do you think your DS will be energised by the challenge at the current time or take it as a negative setback if he doesn't get anywhere? Are there any smaller steps he could take in any areas he's shown some interest in?

[Nataleejah]

Many teenagers misbehave. That doesn't have anything to do with step-parents work reputation. If they have different names, maybe nobody will ever even know

[PilkoPumpPants]

I agree many teenagers misbehave but having to go to school for weekly meetings due to terrible behaviour is something else.

[deste]

Does your son want to be an engineer in the first place?

[User1234567891011]

Also stealing at that age, what I presume is 16/17 if looking for apprenticeships is not simply misbehaving. If that were me, my mother would have marched me to the police station to have a tour of the cells

[ILoveAutumnLeaves]

She knows school doesn't suit everyone - she said so herself.

She's trying to help him sort his life out before he gets further off the rails.



Your DH is NOT being unreasonable. Everyone has a right to protect their career. It was very naive of you not to think about the impact this would have on your DH before suggesting it to DS. However, I get the impression that if you just ignore it, DS will not do anything about it under his own steam.

DS's behaviour must be really draining to deal with - do you get any support from his Dad? Do you have any idea why he behaves the way he does?

[Kitsa]

Wow your DH is horrible.

[Kitsa]

I men, his behaviour is sure not going to get any better if he;s given up on at this age.

Seconding that your husband may be part of your son's problem.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Ive seen many successful people with fuckwit dc, dbro, dsis, dparents, sons in law working in the same company. They are still individuals and in all instances the behaviour of one did not reflect on the other.

If your dh can't handle you ds working at a different company he must have fairly substantial confidence issues himself. If your ds is interested in the job your dh is being unreasonable to block it.

[Becca19962014]

Firstly college is, in my experience, nothing like school. There will be no meetings to discuss behaviour etc, he'll be considered an adult (even at 16) and if very disruptive thrown out, if stealing police. I didn't get on in school, but really did at college. I was constantly bullied by my parents not to study - I got the chance after someone stepped in saying I showed ability in the subject and the embarrassment of stopping me was too much for them.

Secondly apprenticeships in the fields you've suggested are very competitive. 'Steering' him towards one will not mean he gets in, the opposite in fact. He'll be up against people who really want to be there, with work experience for example, and it'll show at interview.

He needs to do, and possibly fail at, what he wants to do, otherwise you're asking for more problems.

[Memoires]

Can you say, hand on heart, that your dh's attitude is not contributing one tiny little bit to your son's behaviour?

I knew a few lads of that age who did all the things your son does, including stealing money from their parents purses/wallets, but they'd stopped by the time they went out to work except for one who had tremendous and dreadful problems with his dad. I am worried for your son as it sounds like your dh holds great animosity towards him.

[Becca19962014]

Are there any teachers he gets on with at school? Has anyone bothered to find out why he's being so disruptive?

I've had my share of disruption (as in being the disruption!) in my case it was blind panic at not knowing what to do and not having anyone to talk to about it whilst everyone else knew.

Someone needs to find out what he wants to do after school, or, where his interests lie.

[user1471439727]

When I first started reading this I thought your son was in his final year of primary school. This is seriously bad behaviour for someone of 16, but at least you're doing something about it.

To be honest, your son probably makes DH's life a misery, which is unsurprising. Sounds like his dad isn't involved too much and so everything falls to him instead.

There are plenty of apprenticeships, and I think you're taking the piss a bit to be pushing him towards this one, when you know it'll probably end up reflecting badly on DH. I don't think he's being unreasonable at all.

Your husband's career is important, and if your son creates at his place of work, it'll ruin his image and embarrass him, which isn't nice for anyone.

It actually sounds like he puts up with an awful lot, and this is one request too far. From the sounds of it, you can't blame him for not wanting to spend even more time around a teenager who steals and lies.

[QueenLizIII]

A tough one.

On the one hand DS needs direction and responsibility to help him mature into adulthood so it would be a good opportunity for him and he has someone already in the trade.

Buuuuuut this is the crux of the problem:

At home too he steals, lies, swears and is basically a bit of a 'bad lad'.

Stealing makes him a criminal not a bad lad

I am a solicitor and I have to say however much they needed it, I would not want the risk of a wayward stepson working with me or associated with me. Even if it was an admin or office junior they can and do have access to petty cash to distribute, bank details, cheques, to be distributed. I wouldnt take him until his behaviour had improved.

To have the indignity of a relative of mine causing a disruption, swearing and stealing potentially at work would be really painful and professionally embarrassing.

DS's dad works in Tesco. Most students and young people have worked in shops myself included. Plenty of my trainee solicitors over the years have had Tesco jobs while a student and after to tide them over. You sound a bit scornful of DS' dad for working in Tesco. What exactly is wrong with DS doing work in a shop?

Why not start with that given his background before pushing him into something he might not want and you dont know he will cope with.

[QueenLizIII]

Firstly college is, in my experience, nothing like school. There will be no meetings to discuss behaviour etc, he'll be considered an adult (even at 16) and if very disruptive thrown out, if stealing police.

Quite. Teachers are first name, you aren't there all day, just go in when you have lessons, no punishment or detentions for not doing your work or not coming to class; if you don't toe the line or engage in the course, you get kicked out.

He might engage better with college if there are no punishment or no consequences and attending is entirely voluntary rather than a legal requirement IYSWIM.

[scaryclown]

its rude and naive of your DH to assume 'school DS' will be the same as 'apprentice DS', and i would also suggest that the obvious negative and unwelcoming attitude of your DH to 'his' territory is similarly naive. Your DS from an engineering family is more likely to be a surprisingly good apprentice, and maybe its time to treat him more respectfully and say, as you would to an adult, if we manage to get you a good paid apprenticeship please let us know if its not working, as it will reflect on Dad if you lose heart' or similar.

a bit of nice father here is going to work better than 'that useless good for nothing son of mine' When kids are young they tend to play up ..or down..to the picture other people have of them. Tell him and treat him like he's going to let ypu down...and he will...so do the opposite