DH wanting me to steer DS away from 'his' career

[BandOfOsses]

My DS is a bit of a live wire, always in trouble at school for messing around, not doing homework, misbehaving etc. At home too he steals, lies, swears and is basically a bit of a 'bad lad'.
As he's in his final year at school now I'm trying to stir up an interest in careers just to give him a sense of direction. I am trying to steer him away from college as I believe it's too much like school for him. Instead I'd like him to do an apprentiship where he is gaining work experience, working towards a qualification and earning money.

I have so far pushed mechanics, electrician and engineering.

The latest one is an engineering company which is advertising for 2017 apprentiship applications. I sent the link to DS and then broadly mentioned it to DH.

DH is an engineer. This company is not the same company he works for however, unbeknown to me, he has links and contacts there. DH has now thrown a hissy fit saying I'm being insensitive to steer DS towards engineering as his bad behaviour etc will reflect on him. He says work is his time away from my DS and now he feels he's been invaded by the possibility of DS applying for an apprentiship at this company. He now wants me to steer DS away from engineering completely as he doesn't wish to associate with him in a working environment.

AIBU to think this is out of order? I'm trying to get DS to focus on career stuff and DH is just concerned with how it will effect him. He's saying "why not send him to work with his own dad?" - his own dad is a shelf stacker at Tesco.

AIBU or is DH?

[maninawomansworld01]

Ok just read that they aren't father and son, but they are linked and it will come out. Still agree with your DH.

[maninawomansworld01]

I agree with your DH, presumably he has worked long and hard to build a decent career.
Like it or not as soon as people realise they are father and son, they will be linked and his bad behaviour will reflect on your DH.
With the state of the industry these days and how competitive it is , your DH is probably looming out for his job (which I presume pays your bills).

I'm with your DH 100% on this one.

[Starlight2345]

I am left wondering if you have any idea about what is causing his behaviour? when it started?

It sounds like you are pushing him and if he is having so many behaviour problems I can understand you wanting to find him a path to follow...However what your idea of a career and his may well not be the same..

My DS is not at yours age yet but he has no idea what he wants to do..I have said to him when he gets older and finds out what he enjoys we can talk about different types of jobs and work from there.

Many 16 year olds really don't have a clue..

[Me2017]

What were his GCSE grades and in which subjects?
What does the boy's father (not step father) do and what is your career?

[Believeitornot]

If your DH is so good at his job, then his step sons connection will be irrelevant.

Maybe he is embarrassed because it will show him to be the shit step dad he seems to be.

[sandragreen]

I agree with It'sallgoingtobefine I wonder how much of DS behaviour is connected to his step dads attitude towards him?

I work with teenagers and the chances of them admitting they have parents, let alone step parents is quite rare. OP your DH needs to get over himself. If DS does decide he wants to go into the same field (not because you decide he should) then what the actual fuck has it got to do with DH?

Surely he should be glad he is doing something positive, and making an effort to mentor him, rather than moaning about his reputation like some sort of Shakespearean tragedy.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

He says work is his time away from my DS and now he feels he's been invaded by the possibility of DS applying for an apprentiship at this company. He now wants me to steer DS away from engineering completely as he doesn't wish to associate with him in a working environment

Your DH is a dick. No wonder your son is acting out when he knows his step dad feels like that about him - and he will know.

[bluebeck]

I agree with PP - you should take a step back and stop pushing DS.

However, DH does indeed sound terribly grand and self important.

[Damselindestress]

It's good that you are addressing the stealing but that needs to be dealt with before your DS is ready for any workplace because if he did steal from work he would be prosecuted and that would affect his future. For example, at the moment, he couldn't actually get a job at Tesco because working in retail requires dealing with difficult customers diplomatically and being trustworthy. Most staff are trained to work on tills when it's busy, he'd be handling hundreds of pounds, too much risk. Also I know you mean well but your DS needs to decide what he wants and work towards it, he's not going to be motivated if you steer him towards a career. Does he have any interests he could develop? Your DH expressed it badly but it really sounds like he's unhappy if work is his refuge from home. Dealing with your DS's behaviour sounds very stressful for both of you. Have you considered family counselling?

[Bluntness100]

I'm totally with uour husband on this, what get your son an apprenticeship but who cares if it damages your husbands career? It's not like this is the only thing your son can do.

But I'm sorry, your son should be doing this research himself, the very fact his mum is doing it all for him is a concern.

[RiverTam]

happy 'precious reputation'? Wow, sneery much? Why on earth wouldn't anyone ensure that their work reputation isn't tarnished?

[Memoires]

My dd is an academic high achiever, but she had the most awful time at school and did some things simply and solely to rebel. She was miserable and once in 6th form (which I hoped would be different) her grades and attitude got worse. She has opted to do the first year again at college. It is so different. She is beginning to feel good about herself again, and looks happy. She is socialising more and getting on better with her peers again.

College is very very different. Please encourage your ds to take the year again, start afresh at college.

Can you effect the miracle of making your dh supportive of him and his difficulties? That will make a world of difference.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

HarleyQuinzel

To the person who said about stealing, apprentices aren't meant to be left alone.

Yet they are left alone, and lets remember that they will also be going to college. So there will be opportunity.

[Trying321]

If your DH isn't happy with it you shouldn't push it. At the end of the day this is his career and you can't foist your badly behaved son on your partner's career if he's upset and angry about it. You may want things to be different but YABU. If DH offers it fine, if he says no you should accept that.

[Nydj]

From my understanding and I admit, that I may be totally wrong here, engineering companies often employ people who are relatives of their employees, friends and colleagues in other related companies. As a result, I would suggest that they are used to this and a person's reputation is not affected by the fact that they have a relative in the sector who is much more or less of a good employee. Also as you say, this apprenticeship may help your son turn a corner so if he wants to go for it then he should do so but I suspect that it may involve regular college attendance as will the other two apprenticeships you are steering him towards.

[User1234567891011]

Happypoobum All it takes is one slip up from the DSS.

[happypoobum]

I don't understand - if DS is not DH son, I assume they have a different last name? So how would anyone possibly link them and damage DH precious reputation?

I can't imagine starting a new job and talking to colleagues about my stepdad who worked for a different company

[WhiskyTangoFoxtrot]

"OP, why not try to get him looking at local jobs such as Tesco "

Because unless Tesco are offering a day-release type on-going training package it would not be legal for them to employ him (other than as a 'Saturday boy') until he is older than the Particpation Age (is that 17 or 18 now?)

[PurplePen]

Your son, by the sounds of it, would be lucky to get a job stacking shelves in Tesco.

I think he has a snowball's chance in hell of getting an engineering apprenticeship.

I'm with your DH on this one.

[QueenLizIII]

Oh and Tesco jobs may not be as prestigious as a highly sought after apprenticeship, but it doesn't mean they are handed out like sweets to thugs who never turn up on time, steal and shirk work either

I hadn't thought of that. If he has form for stealing, unless he stops it, even a shop job is inappropriate as you're trusted with goods in the warehouse. You get dismissed for theft if you are caught even taking a 60p packet of crisps as they cant trust you again.

What we dont know is what he is good at, just that mum wants to steer him into apprentice ships. What about his GCSEs? If gets good results in some subjects, try a-levels at college.

College might be a better environment for him as is informal and they dont care if you do the work or not, they just throw you off the course, no detentions, nothing.

He might find the environment better.

[StarBears]

QueenLizll you make an excellent point: "No reason why DS cant start there and try college alongside rather than mum steering him to things he has not chosen."

OP, why not try to get him looking at local jobs such as Tesco etc to get a sense of turning in for work, conforming, answering to a manager, being part of a team etc etc. All very valuable skills which will look great on his CV for an apprenticeship.

[RiverTam]

Ask a stepfather like what? The OP has been rather ludicrously limited with info so all we know about him is that he isn't keen on his disruptive, lying, swearing, thieving stepson working in the same, everyone-knows-everyone industry. Quite apart from the fact that it sounds extremely unlikely he'd even get an apprenticeship in that industry.

Other than that - nothing. So it seems a bit of a leap to suggest all the boy's troubles are down to having a stepfather 'like that'.

[coldcanary]

As the mum of a reformed 'bad lad' (without the stealing) I agree with your DH but he shouldn't be written off at the age of 15/16 - kids can and do change very quickly. Has he looked at vocational courses in college? DS talked vaguely about apprenticeships for most of this year then came across a course that just fits him perfectly almost by accident at a college open day. Providing he gets the results needed he has a confirmed place on a course that none of us ever thought he would even consider.
Does your DS have a mentor in school? My DS's mentor has been fantastic this year & IMO has contributed a lot to the general improvement that started in year 10 & has just amazed his teachers this year 🙂 He's on track to pass all his gcse's & can see a firm future for himself now which has given him something tangible to aim for.
Give your DS space to investigate his own future & keep him talking to you and his teachers, things can get better

[BaggyCheeks]

What Trifle says. Apprenticeships, especially in engineering, etc, are very competitive. If he hasn't got the grades or a good reference from school, he won't get in and you may well find he needs to go to college for further study before he'd get a look in. If his attitude isn't right, he'll get kicked out quicker than he can blink. For example - a male relative of mine is currently at college doing a HND in quantity surveying. At the end of his first year, which he required grades just slightly below university entry level to get in to, some of his class applied for apprenticeships in mechanical engineering on the basis of having completed the first year of their course. My FIL did an apprenticeship back in the early 70s with no qualifications. Times have changed.

You can't push your DS into anything - if it's going to be worth his time, it has to be because he wants to do it, not because he's doing it to get you off his back. There is also nothing at all wrong with stacking shelves, or working in a stock room, at 16. It could well be a good introduction into the working world, and being personally accountable for his own behaviour without his mum getting involved, with less at stake.

I also agree with your DH that your son's bad behaviour will reflect badly on him in the workplace. It will. He certainly won't get the sack for your son's flaws, but his name will get dragged down with it.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

I think your Dh has a total point. I'd feel similarly if I was him.