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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eldest DD wants to go to Oxford I fear her tribe is not there

393 replies

Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 11:26

But she's determined. I want to support her I really do but I want her to meet her life long buddies at uni.

Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
BumbleNova · 09/11/2016 12:10

OP - i get the concern I really do. honestly - Oxford could be the making of her. Cambridge was for me. Its an amazing place, and everyone starts afresh. its very liberating to all be at a place where everyone is there on merit. I met loads of fascinating people who I would never otherwise have met. there is room for all sorts. honestly, she would love it.

I'm having a hard time working out precisely what your concern for her is? going to oxbridge is a life changing opportunity and should be cherished.

Manumission · 09/11/2016 12:10

I'm feeling the pressure to get this right

Pisssed You will probably feel better and less stressed once you fully take on board that it isn't YOU who has to do this. She does. You have a supporting role in this.

EarlGreyTeaAndToast · 09/11/2016 12:11

Meh, how biased are you! DH was the first one in his family to stay at school beyond 13. Had zero help to get to Oxbridge, and yet somehow found his "tribe" of decent, lovely, sane, sensible, intelligent friends who are still his friends 25 years after leaving 🙄

Motheroffourdragons · 09/11/2016 12:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on behalf of the poster.

eeyoresgrumpierfriend · 09/11/2016 12:11

What everyone else said. IF she gets an offer she will have a great time.

I was state school educated and first in my family to go to Uni and made such good friends from all backgrounds.

The whole Oxford system (certainly for arts subjects) with reliance on tutorials suits argumentative types perfectly.

Best of luck to her.

sarahnova69 · 09/11/2016 12:12

I didn't go to Oxford, but to another one with a very high proportion of privately educated people. Many of the people from a working class background left in the first year and moved to a different university.

I obviously can't speak from personal experience, but several Russell Group universities actually have worse reputations than Oxbridge for this. I went to a state school (although I'm not particularly deprived) and didn't see this happen at all - in fact, Oxbridge has the lowest drop-out/transfer rates in the country. However, I DO agree with a PP that Black & Minority Ethnic students at Oxford tended to be from middle-class and privileged backgrounds, so BME students from more challenging backgrounds might well find it more unwelcoming.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 12:12

BumbleNova i sincerely hope that's the case hence asking the question to those who've been to Oxbridge

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 12:13

Manumission here lies some of the problem, the support I'll be able to offer will be limited

OP posts:
Baylisiana · 09/11/2016 12:14

In my experience OP you cannot get it right by planning or thinking about the best place....so much is unpredicatable. You just have to hope things fall into place wherever she ends up and deal with any problems as they happen. Things are rarely what you think they will be. Let your dd decide and then support her however it goes, and you won't be blamed or resented for interfering if it doesn't go well.

corythatwas · 09/11/2016 12:14

Pisssssedofff Wed 09-Nov-16 12:07:40
"I guess this another thing on my mind, if not Oxford then where. She's grown up in a small town, she will be alone in the country. I'm feeling the pressure to get this right"

This is where I think you are going wrong. Your dd is the one who has to get it right. Or to deal with it if it turns out to be not the absolutely best decision in the best of all possible worlds. She is about to turn into an adult and you need to support her in that, getting her used to making independent decisions, getting her used to the idea that it is all right to grow and change from "your little girl".

LunaLoveg00d · 09/11/2016 12:15

OP sounds just like my Mum. I had the grades to get into Oxbridge in the early 1990s but my parents pooh pooed the idea saying it wasn't for people like me (state school educated) and definitely not for Scottish people. They had massive chips on their shoulder about it. Was even discouraged from applying to St Andrews as that was too posh too.

Things worked out OK in the long run and I got a good degree, but I certainly won't be putting my own ideas and perceptions onto my own kids.

Manumission · 09/11/2016 12:15

First you're worried that she might go to Oxford and there will be no tribe for her (despite being a shoo-in).

Now you're worried that if she doesn't go to Oxford there's nowhere else that springs to mind for her to go Confused

Can you see that you're sounding panicky and not quite rational?

MrsSnootch · 09/11/2016 12:15

OP you need to realize she's an adult now. She needs to make her own choices - anything else is unhealthy.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 09/11/2016 12:16

My mum had all sorts of bizarre ideas about me as a teen, and now Grin

She thought I was going to struggle with things I had no issue with, made all sorts of wrong assumptions about friends, family and what I should do a uni. With the best will in the world her active job was over by the time I was going to uni, I got money, food and love still for a few years but my choices and mistakes were mine not hers. I had a good time, I drank far to much, slept with unsuitable boys, took drugs the works. None of mums business what I did as i was an adult. Working stuff out by trying things.

I made good friends at university but not life long ones. I met my dh at uni but I hated him then. Not now of course

I expect to be making similar ridiculous statements and having similar concerns about ds in the future. Very bright, no friends and very belligerent (also has aspergers) so I will probably be very worried about him getting into any university. But it will be up to him, to make his mistakes and learn.

Your dd will make her choices and some of her choices will be made for her. She may well go to an oxford college and hate it. Or love it or just get on with it. I don't know her I don't know you. But at 17 your dd is still working out who she is and your worries have nowt to-do with it. It is your burden, don't give it to her. Hope it all works out.

corythatwas · 09/11/2016 12:16

The support you should offer is as a sounding board, both at the time of applying and afterwards if she has difficulties during her time at uni. Let her know that it is ok if everything isn't perfect and shiny all the time, that you are there to listen to her and encourage her to find ways to overcome problems.

almondpudding · 09/11/2016 12:16

Sarah, I've heard from many others that several RG universities are worse for this than Oxford, and it makes sense for that to be the case.

But the drop out rate is not a good measurement without asking why people are dropping out. At a more average university, there will be many more students who have multiple other commitments and challenges, and so they will have higher drop out rates. The issue is whether a student who wouldn't have dropped out of a more average university will be more likely to drop out of a RG one.

BastardGoDarkly · 09/11/2016 12:16

Why are you feeling the pressure to get this right?! It's not your choice to make? My kids are way too young for these decisions, but surely parents don't have much of a say where their kids go to uni do they?

Manumission · 09/11/2016 12:17

Manumission here lies some of the problem, the support I'll be able to offer will be limited

Just read up, offer moral and practical support and encourage her. She need to visit lots of places and then aim for a decent grade-spread in her applications and offers. It's navigable, honestly.

Trifleorbust · 09/11/2016 12:17

I say that, OP, because you sound very over-invested in where she goes and seem to think you have a say.

MarianneSolong · 09/11/2016 12:18

I think the sensible thing would be to wait and see what your daughter thinks after her day visit.

And support her in exploring her choices.

Young people can be happy or unhappy anywhere.

I went to Cambridge and had a mixed time of it. My daughter is there now. One of the main factors - wherever young people go - is knowing that they have supportive parents.

Manumission · 09/11/2016 12:18

And have Oxford at the top of the list, of course.

YelloDraw · 09/11/2016 12:18

hy do I want her meet life long friends st uni, well she hasn't at school it's that simple and some of that has been my fault we have moved around, some of it has been hers, suffers from foot in gob disease. You only have to read the threads on how lonely people often are on here to realise there seems to be windows of opportunities to meet the people who are your bridesmaids etc. Is it wrong for me to want her to be with people who make her happy ?

SHe totally will find her friends at uni. It is so different to school. Especially if she has hobbies and interests she can join clubs for.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 12:19

corythatwas whilst I agree of course, sometimes it's more than a sounding board you need and that won't be there for her, hence I really would like to get this right first time if possible

OP posts:
thisisafakename · 09/11/2016 12:20

You might be spared the dilemma if she applies and doesn't get in... As someone said, fewer than 1 in 3 get in and those applicants will all have been predicted the top grades.

Manumission · 09/11/2016 12:22

Pissssed if you can be specific about what you think your knowledge/skills gap is, in terms of supporting her, there are loads of people here who will be able to offer really specific input.

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