Page 3 | Eldest DD wants to go to Oxford I fear her tribe is not there

NotDavidTennant · 09/11/2016 11:49

"She's very artistic, very argumentative loves a good debate, dresses like she's homeless"

Have you ever been to Oxford? Half the people in the city could match that description.

notagiraffe · 09/11/2016 11:49

I went to Oxford and didn't meet 'my tribe' there, as you put it. But it didn't matter at all. I came from a Northern comp and the vast majority of students I met there were from wealthy, privately educated families with a confidence and worldliness way beyond my own.

My lifelong closest friends have grown out of work relationships as we're in a vocational field. I have very few friends left from uni days. But I had a fantastic time there and would recommend anyone who gets the chance should try for it. Without doubt, it has given me confidence and opportunities that might otherwise not have arisen. And it was a glorious, stimulating place to be for three years, with brilliant tutors, brilliant fellow students and a work ethic that I hadn't encountered before.

waitingforsomething · 09/11/2016 11:49

If she is bright enough to go why wouldn't she find her 'tribe'?! That's crazy, there are sooo many different types of people at Oxford.
I went there, from a state school. wasn't especially sociable. Made brilliant, life long friends and so glad I went.
It caters perfectly for the 'quirky' I think you're being silly.

Whynotnowbaby · 09/11/2016 11:50

It is probably a school organised day rather than the official one. We do them every year and a college looks after us and has students and the admissions tutor talk to our pupils. Often get lunch in hall too.

I had no particular tribe when I went to Oxford and none when I left but tried out lots of activities I loved, worked hard and made friends from all backgrounds. I don't understand why you think Oxford is less for her than any other uni. As pp have said there is no guarantee she will get in just because she wants to go, I have had exceptional students rejected and one or two who have got in when I didn't think they would. Do help her feel confident in her choice and emphasise that if she is ready to work hard she will be gap and successful wherever she goes. As she can't be older than y12 if she hasn't applied yet, she has plenty of time to look at different options and different colleges within Oxford and find the right place for her.

icanteven · 09/11/2016 11:50

Whether or not she'll get in depends on the course she is applying for and the advice she gets. Some courses have a 40% acceptance rate, others are miniscule (English, PPE). Often students from state schools don't get in to Oxford because they get bad advice, and apply for English or PPE where the competition is highest.

Your daughter will be fine at Oxford. There is HUGE social variety here, with the common denominator being CLEVER. You imply that your daughter is very clever, so she'll be fine. She should seek some insider advice about what college to apply to (I'm thinking Wadham...) because that determines her social scene a bit. But there are millions of clubs and societies she could join, some mainstream, some a bit batty.

She'll find her tribe here, if she gets in.

notagiraffe · 09/11/2016 11:51

Why do you want her to meet her lifelong buddies at uni?

If I think of my lifelong friends - some are from school, a tiny few from uni, another small handful fellow mums and the vast majority are colleagues in the same vocational field as mine.

corythatwas · 09/11/2016 11:51

Pisssssedofff Wed 09-Nov-16 11:41:16
"willconcern or accurate understanding of s kid I've"

That is what my mother might have said of me, and with the best intentions, when I was 17. The truth is that she knew very little about the young woman I was already growing into or what might be best for the woman I would be in years to come. She had known the child: the woman was for me to know.

DM was delighted when I went not only to her old university but actually to the same department. But very taken aback when I later ended up in a different country, different demographic, dh from a different background. She is still convinced, 30 years later, that I have tragically missed out in life and that I could have been so much happier on the path she saw me on. I otoh feel pretty convinced that I have found the right place for me.

sarahnova69 · 09/11/2016 11:51

She's very artistic, very argumentative loves a good debate, dresses like she's homeless, I just worry is the place for her

pfaf. She'll fit right in. (Assuming she actually gets in, and unless she is literally coming first in the country in her subject and/or a professional quality musician/sportswoman, I wouldn't count your chickens until they get offer letters.)

I went and had a great time (despite worrying I wouldn't fit in). I fitted in fine. There is a huge range of people at Oxford, and only about 5% of them are Arabellas and Sebastians from backgrounds of deep privilege. (Sorry to anybody actually named that.) It can be a hothouse, but it is an incredible opportunity with such richness of learning and activity. I'd recommend it to anyone bright and motivated.

But if my mother had reacted like you, the message I would have got was "you're too dim/common for Oxford". Back off and shut up. She knows what's she's doing; stop projecting YOUR shit all over her. There are about 8254 different tribes at Oxford. She'll find hers.

mayhew · 09/11/2016 11:52

My state school headmistress told me I "wasn't Oxbridge material" well apparently I was. I had a brilliant time.

Needmoresleep · 09/11/2016 11:52

If she wants to apply, encourage and support her. It is only one line on the UCAS form.

However don't make it out to be too special or different. She may well get just as good an education/have a great time, elsewhere, and:
a) she might not get in. Selection is an inexact science and it depends on how strong other applicants are.
b) she might not like it when she gets there. This happens and made worse if a big thing was made about going there.

furryminkymoo · 09/11/2016 11:55

So she is tenacious, clever and argumentative, she will fit right in!

Seriously though competition is huge, last time I was on the Oxford Campus the % of International Students was large, especially Chinese.
My nephew was taken to Oxford on a school trip and also wanted to go, one of the main reasons was the food...

If she is Russell Group grade then consider UCL, one of my favourite Universities. (I work in the sector and get to visit most).

notagiraffe · 09/11/2016 11:55

I agree with NotDavidTennant that your description of your DD sounds like she'd fit right in. DS wants to go to Oxford or Cambridge and he matches that description of your daughter - obsessed with the arts, lives in army fatigues and loves an exhausting debate. There's a mass of students like that there. Whoever end up being her friends for life, she'll certainly have plenty of friends while she's there if she's as you describe.

NataliaOsipova · 09/11/2016 11:55

*"She's very artistic, very argumentative loves a good debate, dresses like she's homeless"

Have you ever been to Oxford? Half the people in the city could match that description.*

Just spat out my tea at that David! Agree with others - there are so many different "tribes" there that I suspect (from what you say about her lack of friends at the moment) that she'd find it easier to join in and make friends than she does wherever she is at the moment. It's a hugely diverse place.

Original poster

Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 11:55

Right, thanks for the words of wisdom, it's quite a daunting place when ex went to hull and I went uce lol
Why do I want her meet life long friends st uni, well she hasn't at school it's that simple and some of that has been my fault we have moved around, some of it has been hers, suffers from foot in gob disease. You only have to read the threads on how lonely people often are on here to realise there seems to be windows of opportunities to meet the people who are your bridesmaids etc. Is it wrong for me to want her to be with people who make her happy ?

OP posts:

RepentAtLeisure · 09/11/2016 11:55

She's very artistic, very argumentative loves a good debate, dresses like she's homeless

Speaking as an Oxford local for the last 20 years, she'll fit in fine!

Original poster

Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 11:57

sarahnova69 you couldn't be more wrong if you tried

OP posts:

FleurThomas · 09/11/2016 11:58

Okay so I'm going to be the odd one out here probably.

I personally find that if you come from a disadvantaged background (think council estate, poor upbringing etc) and you are British non-white then you will probably struggle there. There is a lot of institutional racism that people choose to ignore because of the brand, and students tend to stick with other students like them. Overseas students with overseas students, rich with rich, and there aren't really enough people from disadvantaged non-white backgrounds so there isn't really a good enough cross-section of people you'd have anything In common with.

LauraMipsum · 09/11/2016 11:59

You're being a bit ridiculous but I think you know that. It sounds like your concern is that she has no friends now and won't make any if she goes to Oxford.

She's very artistic, very argumentative loves a good debate, dresses like she's homeless

then Oxford is perfect for her. Apart from artistic (I'm hopeless at art) that's basically me and I had a great time. Believe me her "tribe" is there waiting for her. I made lifelong friends there despite (or possibly because of) being a scruffy argumentative socially awkward oddball. I loved it.

sarahnova69 · 09/11/2016 11:59

You only have to read the threads on how lonely people often are on here to realise there seems to be windows of opportunities to meet the people who are your bridesmaids etc. Is it wrong for me to want her to be with people who make her happy ?

The best way at this stage for her to end up lonely is for you to decide that you know better than her where she "belongs". I still have some friends from uni, but lots more that I've met since.

She is a (nearly) grown woman, and Oxford is full of artistic, argumentative nerds and oddballs. Your idea of "people who make her happy" is probably seriously off-base. Honestly, you remind me of my own mother, whose idea of what's "good for me" and the person I really am are so different that I manage my relationship with her carefully, and no longer give her insight into my important decisions. Ironically, one of the reasons I was not initially keen to go to Oxford was because she wanted me to.

corythatwas · 09/11/2016 11:59

Pisssssedofff Wed 09-Nov-16 11:55:26
"Right, thanks for the words of wisdom, it's quite a daunting place when ex went to hull and I went uce lol "

But it won't be you that's going. If she goes, it will be because she (a young adult) has decided it is the place she wants to go.

"Is it wrong for me to want her to be with people who make her happy ?"

No. But it would be very wrong of you to try to decide who those people will be. Particularly when, as you admit, you have absolutely no experience of Oxford.

YelloDraw · 09/11/2016 12:00

She's at the open day today. If she wants to go she'll get in.

Ha ha ha well she might well do but you know it isn't THAT easy.

Original poster

Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 12:01

FleurThomas she's had a biazzar upbringing, think private school, council estate the lot. I'm not wrong to worry about my child, it's a big bad wide world out there.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 09/11/2016 12:01

Let her decide. Universities are full of different types of people. If she can make friends at one she can do so at another.

shinynewusername · 09/11/2016 12:01

Is it wrong for me to want her to be with people who make her happy ?

No, but it is wrong to think she won't meet those people at Oxford. You sound as if you have a massive chip on both shoulders and are trying to sway your DD from a position of ignorance and prejudice. Stop being a nob.

I went to Oxford from a state school and as only the 2nd person in my family to go to Uni. I had a wonderful time, it opened up my whole world and I still have many scruffy, argumentative friends from my time there.

MikeUniformMike · 09/11/2016 12:01

YANBU. I think you should sit your DD down and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is having ideas above her station. Take her out of school and find her a job as a scullery maid.