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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eldest DD wants to go to Oxford I fear her tribe is not there

393 replies

Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 11:26

But she's determined. I want to support her I really do but I want her to meet her life long buddies at uni.

Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 09/11/2016 19:22

Let her try.
It is her life and her dream.

iwasbornaunicorn · 09/11/2016 19:34

I'm Oxford born & bred....(or Oxfordshire if you want to get technical)

Firstly I've never left because it's such a great diverse city so she's bond to meet people that get on with her. I think growing up here has spoilt me, when I go to other cities there doesn't seem as much on & as much culture (not that I do much) & they seem dirtier.

Secondly there's a big homelessness problem & plenty of poverty of you know where to look for it but doesn't every city have that?

There's definitely junkies & thieves but you know who cause the most problems in the town centre? Drunk students they can be entitled brats.

On the whole though it's a diverse, friendly city that I'm happy to take my children to day & night.

I'm sure she'll love it & probably won't even notice the bad bits.

SuperPug · 09/11/2016 19:49

No guarantee, obviously- you know her well, as does her school. I'd make sure she gets plenty of support in terms of interview practice from teachers etc. It's a daunting application in terms of work being sent off, tests etc.
I think you're putting far too much emphasis on this being a chance for your daughter to make so called life long friends. I have a handful of lovely friends from uni but not the vast group I thought I'd keep in contact with- that's pretty rare.
It's a great opportunity but essentially only three years of your life. Too much pressure is put on young people in terms of it being supposedly the best years of your life.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 19:49

After a long chat, they don't do the course she's determined to do, where as Warwick (my first choice) and Aston do, so fingers firmly crossed. She will be fine wherever and whatever she gets its just the level of support I can offer varies depending on her decision.

OP posts:
Liara · 09/11/2016 19:50

OP, I got into Oxford on ridiculously low grades. They completely took into consideration my background and situation, and came to the conclusion that given my circumstances my grades were more than good enough.

No one believed I could get into Oxford. My mum, because she was worried that I would fail and be massively disappointed, acted very nonchalant and indifferent about the whole thing.

I know she wasn't doing it to be mean, but so that I would not feel pressured. It didn't work. To this day, many years gone by, I still regret that I went through the whole thing on my own, without any emotional support from my family whatsoever.

Whatever you think, whatever doubts you may have, please support your daughter and believe in her. It is the best thing you can do for her.

roundaboutthetown · 09/11/2016 19:54

OP - your dd's school clearly feel your dd has the potential and want to open her mind to it. It's no skin off her nose to apply - she can apply to other universities at the same time. People trying to put you off supporting her in this if she does want to consider it are being supercilious. Fwiw, I really wasn't sure I wanted to go until after the interview - I remember feeling quite aggravated at the time that it considered itself so special that it should take up three days of time. However, I left the interview process feeling quite excited that I might actually enjoy being there if I got an offer. I had met some interesting people, got to appreciate what the collegiate system could offer and been able to demonstrate how I thought. Oxford is a fantastic place for argumentative types who can construct a good, well researched argument (I found having lots of older siblings an excellent training ground for this), and you get the chance to do this every week, face to face with your tutor, who will be an authority on the subject. Has your dd considered law as a university degree subject rather than an A-level? At Oxford it's a lot more philosophical and less dry than at many other universities.

Coconutty · 09/11/2016 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roundaboutthetown · 09/11/2016 20:00

Isn't Warwick stuck somewhere between Coventry and Warwick? I applied there, too, but found that quite off putting. Also, they gave me a higher offer than Oxford. Grin

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 20:06

It's about the course not the uni for her, she wants to go to France for her masters do this very much a first stage thing to get through rather than the end of the journey. She'll be driving by then so if the offer is OK Warwick works, but so does Aston I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 20:07

I haven't given up on UWA or monash but fear im flogging a dead horse there

OP posts:
Manumission · 09/11/2016 20:10

Is Australia where you were until 15 months ago?

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 09/11/2016 20:27

All the effort the widening participation people put in and then a bunch of Mumsnetters with access to elite secondary education for their kids jumps in to tell op she's getting above herself. Lovely.

(Not all the posts on this thread. But quite a few of them.)

Good luck to your dd, op. Hope she keeps striving for what she wants to do.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 20:37

Luckily I don't take a lot of notice of mums - betters as my friend calls them 😏

OP posts:
eeyoresgrumpierfriend · 09/11/2016 20:37

Roundandround worth bearing in mind that the schools that are sending large chunks to Oxbridge are usually selective themselves. Therefore their 'middle top' kids are not really middle academically. A few of those schools are now statistically harder to get into than Oxford. So it isn't as straightforward as public school bias.

Plus, those kids are all encouraged to go for it.

I was the first kid to even apply to Oxbrige from my school. Teachers told me it was impossible for me to get in. I did. They've sent a couple every year since.

CustardShoes · 09/11/2016 21:37

where as Warwick (my first choice)

Your first choice? I thought it was your daughter looking at going to university?

Manumission · 09/11/2016 21:40

Luckily I don't take a lot of notice of mums - betters as my friend calls them

Confused

Riiiight.

So you posted because..?

CustardShoes · 09/11/2016 21:55

What's that term for people who live up to their names? Nominal determinism? At least the first part of OP's name ...

RB68 · 09/11/2016 22:01

Warwick University is in Coventry yes. Many students live in Leamington and get the buses into college (It is apparently a good nightlife etc). The reality is that Warwick and Leamington and Coventry are v close to each other but if you are not in halls there is quite alot of traveling involved.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 22:02

Manumission on the off chance there may be some useful information and there always is amongst the usual bollocks

OP posts:
SuperPug · 09/11/2016 22:09

There's a mixture of people posting here- you've had some good advice from people who have gone through the process. I don't send kids to an expensive school and I went to a state school before Oxbridge.
It's a bit unfair to insult the forum and posters just because they're giving you realistic points. GCSE grades will be even more important considering the A Level reform and Oxford look for A*s (now 9s probably) across the board. Warwick will also be prioritising GCSE results as most schools no longer take 4 AS Levels. There are still predictions but the GCSE results are incredibly important and the new grading creates extra pressure.
I'd let your daughter make her decisions about uni but you need to be informed before an application, considering the amount of time (and stress) is put in.
In terms of A Level choices, Business Studies wouldn't be something I'd choose unless it is for a specific course- from your previous post, this is something your daughter is considering so it could definitely be relevant. Your daughter should phone Warwick if that's her first choice and see how they would view it as an A Level- possibly Economics is a better choice?

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 22:27

SuperPug this is I guess what I find frustrating - she's not doing A level business studies, at no point have I suggested she is.

Some good points have been made and noted, the usual bollocks has been ignored.

OP posts:
SuperPug · 09/11/2016 22:47

Ah, apologies, there was a comment above re: Business Studies.
To be honest, guidance towards the "right" A Levels for various courses isn't great and although it seems early, it's good to start looking at it now. I chose my A Levels very quickly and had no idea how they would link to a degree course.
Best of luck, whatever anyone says about exams getting easier, this is proving to be the opposite with reforms and new demands being put on pupils. You sound like a parent who is just looking out for her daughter.

SporkLife · 09/11/2016 23:36

May have missed this, but what field is she wanting to get into post uni?

Leanback · 10/11/2016 03:19

Op you need to get it out your head that your 'opinions' and 'choices' for where you want her to go should have any sway. She is the one who will be going not you. The worst thing you can do is make that decision for her. It needs to come fully from her.

Alwayschanging1 · 10/11/2016 08:00

Can I make one very cynical observation....
The Universities are not supposed to know who are the other 4 places on an applicants list, but if you apply to Oxbridge, your application has to be in in 3 months early so the other Universities do know you must be an Oxbridge candidate.
My DD, who applied to Oxford, got an unconditional offer from Newcastle without even an interview plus offers of financial incentives off other Unis. My cynical head thinks that the Universities just thought 'Oxbridge candidate, must be good, let's try and get her'.
So even if you do not go to Oxbridge, I think applying for it has a good impact on your other offers.