Eldest DD wants to go to Oxford I fear her tribe is not there

[Pisssssedofff]

But she's determined. I want to support her I really do but I want her to meet her life long buddies at uni.

Any thoughts ?

No pissedoff - it's not wrong of you at all to want her to be with people who make her happy. But she may actually find them more easily at Oxford, surrounded by others who are happy to speak up and out that at a uni full of people like those she went to school with.

corythatwas I haven't said for a moment who I think she should be friends with, I have a preference for them to be law abiding but that's about it

What an odd thing to say OP.
Good luck to her, if she is good enough and determined enough to get in what a wonderful opportunity for her.
The whole point is not to meet your "tribe" (what a strange description) diversity is what drives the world.

I haven't said for a moment who I think she should be friends with, I have a preference for them to be law abiding but that's about it

...The implication from a couple of your comments appears to be that you think Oxford is exclusively populated with "junkies and thieves". What tribes are there that you DO think are found there?

OP whatever you do don't communicate all this pressure about 'you must find lifelong friends' to your DD, I know you want what is best for her but that will only make her feel rubbish.

Motheroffourdragons maybe it's a good thing we are going in blind then and they just get to meet my amazing girl

sarahnova69 I said nothing if the sort woman

YANBU. I think you should sit your DD down and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is having ideas above her station. Take her out of school and find her a job as a scullery maid.

snorf.

(OP, this IS how you will come off to your daughter if you try to dissuade her.)

There is actually a Introverts and Shy persons' Society at Oxford (or something similarly named).

Nevertheless you should back right off and hide your chutzpah.

There is actually an 'Introverts and Shy persons' Society at Oxford (or something similarly named).

Nevertheless you should back right off and hide your chutzpah.

Artistic argumentative and scruffy pretty much sums up oxford to me!

I was trying to think of "tribes" that are not well represented in Oxford and I could only come up with those who can't bear cities smaller than London and Manchester and maybe those who prefer a more work/business/vocational environment.

I was only joking. Support her in her application and very best wishes if she gets in. If she doesn't, there are other great universities out there.

I agree with you Fleur. I didn't go to Oxford, but to another one with a very high proportion of privately educated people. Many of the people from a working class background left in the first year and moved to a different university. They were miserable.

I advised DS to go to a more ordinary university. He hasn't had to find any kind of tribe because it's all just ordinary people like school was, although of course many from ordinary schools in other countries. The whole university is his tribe.

Even if she's bright enough to get in, she might not get in. It's hardly an exact science - there's luck involved. Getting the right poem to analyse, getting an equation you click with, nerves, an admissions tutor you have a rapport with, which helps the nerves...

Don't even try to assume she'll get in and don't even try to assume she won't fit in if she does. My college had a huge range of people - posh, sporty, nerdy, on the spectrum, artistic, state school, shy, good range of cultural backgrounds (for Oxford, anyway). Everyone rubbed along really well.

Pisssssedofff Wed 09-Nov-16 12:02:11
"corythatwas I haven't said for a moment who I think she should be friends with"

if you claim to know that her tribe won't be at Oxford, then you are claiming some kind of right to define what her tribe should look like- or else how can you know where they will or will not be found?

yes, it is a big scary world out there- but learning to make independent choices is the best way to deal with it

If she wants to apply, encourage and support her. It is only one line on the UCAS form.

If only it were so simple!

sarahnova69 I said nothing if the sort woman

Then who is it you DO think goes to Oxford that you're so worried about? Because what you have actually said is that you don't want her to meet "junkies and thieves", and also that you don't care who her friends are as long as they're "law-abiding". Are you just trying to dance around saying "I think they're all poshos who will look down on her"?

(Granted, "poshos" and "junkies and thieves" is a Venn diagram.)

I guess this another thing on my mind, if not Oxford then where. She's grown up in a small town, she will be alone in the country. I'm feeling the pressure to get this right

It's up to your DD to decide.

My DS has just started at Uni - so I have been through all the selection and open day/school visits etc.

I would have been happy for him to go anywhere. It's all about the young person and what they will grow into - which occurs very quickly in that final school year.

He applied for Oxford too, in addition to four other very good Universities. Two of which offered him an unconditional place, two a place - but Oxford rejected him. So despite his super brains and charm it isn't a given that anyone gets a place. Competition is tough.

Let her make her own choices - it is hard, I am still struggling to come to terms with my DS adulting and looking after himself.

And seriously, OP, obviously we all want our children to be happy but are you really going to allow your own prejudices about what a particular university is like stand in the way of your child going to one of the world's best universities, just in case she doesn't meet her bridesmaids while she's there?

Stop trying to control her. Let her make her own decisions.

Having said that, I won't bother advising DD because she will not want advice from me! So it really depends on your DD.

Trifleorbust there's no controlling her at all, why would you say that ?