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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eldest DD wants to go to Oxford I fear her tribe is not there

393 replies

Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 11:26

But she's determined. I want to support her I really do but I want her to meet her life long buddies at uni.

Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
GrumpyInsomniac · 09/11/2016 11:36

Oxford isn't just full of public-school educated, navel-gazing, pig-fucking Tories. Or is that your concern?

Seriously, though, I come from a working class background, state school education, first in family to go to uni, etc, met life long friends there and wasn't by any means unusual in being just normal and wanting to get a good degree. My college in particular had a high proportion of state school entrants, which probably helped, but I don't see why your daughter shouldn't be able to find 'her tribe' there, whatever that means to her.

Go to open days at more than one college, talk to the students, all the stuff you would do before applying anywhere, frankly. It's her choice, so all you can do is support her to make the choice that is right for her.

Blossomdeary · 09/11/2016 11:36

The general student scene in Oxford is very diverse. My DD went to Oxford Brooks and there were lots of folk around from both unis - plenty of variety of friends if that is what she wants.

BastardGoDarkly · 09/11/2016 11:37

Oh yes Rebecca can't move for thieving junkies at Oxford?

RentANDBills · 09/11/2016 11:37

She's at the open day today. If she wants to go she'll get in.

Not true!

irregularegular · 09/11/2016 11:37
  1. There isn't an Open Day at Oxford today.
  2. There are no guarantees that any individual will get it. Quite the opposite.
  3. What makes you think that her "tribe" will not be there? That's quite a generalisation. What are you basing that view on? Have you spent much time among Oxford undergraduates yourself? They are a pretty diverse bunch.
Somerville · 09/11/2016 11:37

She's very artistic, very argumentative loves a good debate, dresses like she's homeless
This describes the Oxford student who regularly babysits for me. Smile

Best thing at this stage is to encourage her to visit lots of places, and to neither dissuade her from Oxford, not to encourage her to get hung up on it. Every year many students who are deserving of a place and would thrive get turned down due to the numbers of applications. However, remind her if that happens to go to one of the many other great Universities, work hard and have fun. If she puts in the effort and gets a First then she can come to Oxford at that point for graduate studies.

HardcoreLadyType · 09/11/2016 11:38

Get her to look at Lady Margaret Hall.

My DD sounds a lot like yours. She has eventually decided to apply to Cambridge, as she likes the course better, but that's the college she would've gone for at Oxford.

Good luck to your DD. I'm sure she will find her people, and do really well, wherever she goes.

almondpudding · 09/11/2016 11:38

Huge numbers of parents and teachers feel the same way, when advising students, but generally not on MN!

You can only offer an opinion and then let her get on with it.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 11:38

irregularegular. The school is taking them, I've paid a tenner for the bus, there had better be

OP posts:
viques · 09/11/2016 11:39

"She doesn't have friends" in that case the collegiate atmosphere of Oxbridge might suit her better than an enormous campus with bleak student accommodation.

willconcern · 09/11/2016 11:40

"She's at the open day today. If she wants to go she'll get in"

[hmmm]

In 2015, 18000 people applied for 5250 undergraduate places at Oxford. How can you possibly make the above statement?!

On the one hand you obviously think your DD is incredibly bright, and will walk into Oxford, but on the other you don't think she will fit in because she has no friends. Kind of a dichotomy there of over-belief in her ability to get a place, and under-belief in her ability to choose & make friends for herself.

irregularegular · 09/11/2016 11:40

Don't worry - the school may well be taking part in a specific event at an individual college or department. But there isn't a Uni wide open day today.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 11:41

willconcern or accurate understanding of s kid I've known for 17 years 🙄

OP posts:
FlossieFrog · 09/11/2016 11:41

She will make friends wherever she goes. I'd say most important is to be studying something she enjoys and is passionate about. If she does that she'll find her tribe. Oxford would also look great on her CV when it comes to applying for jobs, please don't deny her this opportunity. Be supportive with whatever she decides.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2016 11:42

willconcern or accurate understanding of a kid I've known for 17 years

Are you an admissions tutor? Do you know who else is applying?

It is supreme arrogance to say you are certain your daughter will get in if she wants to go.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/11/2016 11:44

I would think school is just taking them down for the day? It's not an actual Oxford Open Day. Anyway. I wondered about this bit: I want her to meet her life long buddies at uni.

Why, exactly? That sounds bizarrely specific. I know people who had a great time at university and met life long friends there, and people who had a great time at university and lost touch with everyone they met within a few years. The important bit is the having a great time bit. It is a bit odd to romanticise university in this way. It doesn't have to be the be-all and end-all of the rest of her life. And it certainly doesn't have to be the place that meets her mother's standards for suitable friends.

YuckYuckEwwww · 09/11/2016 11:44

I agree with viques, it's much easier to make friends in a small condensed university town than in a sprawled campus university with different departments and halls of residences/other accomodation all spread out miles away from each other.

Whatever course she picks, she'll have an interest in that subject in common with her classmates at least

corythatwas · 09/11/2016 11:44

She is not you. Her life is not yours. It is not for you to decide where she meets her life-long buddies or what they are going to look like.

Should be self evident, really.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 09/11/2016 11:45

Oh, and I know people who have been admissions tutors and who didn't know if their own children would get in. You can't know, simply because you don't know who she'll come up against.

Manumission · 09/11/2016 11:45

Yikes the hubris is quite scary Hmm

HardcoreLadyType · 09/11/2016 11:45

It sounds like an event to encourage students to apply, rather than an actual open day.

Do remember that loads of really good people don't get in. Every year the sun or mail run a story about someone with amazing scores not being successful at Oxbridge, but going to Harvard or Yale, or similar.

But definitely she should go for it, if she wants to.

tomatoplantproject · 09/11/2016 11:46

There will be all sorts there. Sounds like she will certainly find her tribe.

I would trust her to find the right path for her.

YuckYuckEwwww · 09/11/2016 11:46

Also wondering why you think she has to make "Friends for life" at university? if she picks up on that attitude from you she may feel a failure even if she does fine and has friendly aquaintances and is happy

Did you make "friends for life' everywhere you went, or do you only put that pressure on friendships on undergrad students?

I have a handful of "friends for life" from university, in so much as we're still in touch. They're not my closest friends though

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/11/2016 11:47

My sister went to Oxford, from a state school in rural Shropshire, and had a wonderful time. She made lifelong friends there - and even met her husband.

I would have thought it was a perfect place for someone artistic who likes debating.

ButtonLoon · 09/11/2016 11:49

Everyone I know who went to Oxford (DH's friends that he met there) are on the weird/hippie/eccentric spectrum. It's not all of OxfordUni, but there is that niche for sure! If she joins a few societies for things she's interested in, she will find her people.