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AIBU?

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Original poster

Eldest DD wants to go to Oxford I fear her tribe is not there

393 replies

Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 11:26

But she's determined. I want to support her I really do but I want her to meet her life long buddies at uni.

Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
Temporaryname137 · 09/11/2016 12:23

I was told by everyone I would get in. Teachers, strangers who read my work, friends, etc. I got 97.5% in my English A-Level and they used one of my answer papers to circulate as the perfect paper to markers for future years (I found that out later as one of my teachers did work for the examining board). It was all I ever wanted, from being little.

Guess what - I didn't get in!

It's a fantastic ambition for her to have, but she should choose several places where she would be happy to go, and just do her best. She will make friends (or not) wherever she goes, students really aren't all that different.

Good luck to her.

sarahnova69 · 09/11/2016 12:25

But the drop out rate is not a good measurement without asking why people are dropping out. At a more average university, there will be many more students who have multiple other commitments and challenges, and so they will have higher drop out rates. The issue is whether a student who wouldn't have dropped out of a more average university will be more likely to drop out of a RG one.

True, and a question I couldn't address without knowing more about the data. That said, I think it is worth pointing out that only something like 1% of people at Oxbridge don't end up completing their degree, so it's fairly rare for people to decide they hate it so much that they're not staying. One thing I would say about it is that the short, intense terms and high academic standards can be challenging to the mental health if people don't have good resilience strategies in place.

Oxford was the making of me too - and having it on my CV hasn't hurt. The extracurriculars are also incredibly rich. I'm actually quite passionate about people from diverse backgrounds NOT being put off from going because of some preconceived ideas about what it's like.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 12:25

The first issue as I see it is the time and money to visit lots of universities, just won't happen. So I feel we are on the back foot from
The start

OP posts:
corythatwas · 09/11/2016 12:26

Pisssssedofff Wed 09-Nov-16 12:19:26
"corythatwas whilst I agree of course, sometimes it's more than a sounding board you need and that won't be there for her, hence I really would like to get this right first time if possible"

No, you don't. You really don't. Nice if you can offer financial support, of course, but not every parent is in that position. As for decision-making, trying to take that part from her would be denying her a crucial part in growing-up.

Trifleorbust · 09/11/2016 12:27

I applied to two universities - one was my home uni, the other was Cambridge. I couldn't afford to visit lots of universities either. If she has decided that Oxford is right for her, you owe it to her to let her try. If you try to dissuade her, she will (rightly in my view) resent that.

appalachianwalzing · 09/11/2016 12:28

The college is so much more important than the uni in the oxbridge system- make sure she doesn't go to Christchurch, or one of the v public school boy places. I think Hertford was reasonably diverse- you can look up individual colleges and see % of international, state school background, etc.

It's a hard place, but if she's stroppy and smart and likes to argue, it may well be a good fit. It might be harder socially, it will depend a lot on her college and her ability to go out and find likeminded people. I was a graduate student, so slightly different vibe- much more international. Going as an undergrad would have crushed me, I just wasn't strong enough then, it was fabulous at 22 but I knew my own mind more. However, it was the making of lots of people I know, and many have strong networks.

If she wants to do it, force her to put a lot of thought into college choice, that's the most supportive thing you can do. They are like different worlds.

BipBippadotta · 09/11/2016 12:28

OP, I went to Cambridge, not having had many friends in school. I had a wonderful time. One of the things I liked most about it was that there really didn't seem to be any 'tribes'. All my friends from university came from state schools and modest backgrounds. Many were the first in their family to go to university. They were just people.

Please don't get too worked up about protecting her from the big bad scary world / getting this right / helping her find her tribe. It's up to her. It's not your job or your decision. She will pick up on your anxiety and lack of belief in her (socially if not academically) and it will make her unnecessarily fearful as she goes into what should be a really exciting time in her life.

Manumission · 09/11/2016 12:28

Does she have a list/spreadsheet of possibles?

You can narrow it down quite a lot before you get to the physical visit stage. There's a lot of info online, including video.

pregnantat50 · 09/11/2016 12:28

My middle son went to Oxford and made some brilliant friends from all walks of life, including his GF who he is celebrating his 3 year anniversary today with.

Unis attract all sorts from all walks, my son mixed with Oxford people from both Unis, there are 2 in Oxford, (Oxford Brookes and Oxford)

Please dont worry about friendship groups as it will work itself out, be please she knows what she wants and is aiming to get there.

RedToothBrush · 09/11/2016 12:28

This isn't her tribe you are talking about. Its yours.

She'll fit in just fine.

Manumission · 09/11/2016 12:30

If you are a bit strapped, it's just another excellent reason for making Oxford one of her choices; College rents are low and bursary provision is amazing.

Somerville · 09/11/2016 12:31

Pisssssedofff
I think your DD sounds quite like I was at that age. Forces family, so we'd never lived anywhere long enough to make good friends. A bit insecure as a result, which I hid behind a mask of academic prowess and being overly blunt to ward people off.

My parents suggested Cambridge because it is 'less posh' (which is probably true, though it also isn't the top university in the world right now Halo ) but I fell for Oxford. I got in through the skin of my teeth, I think - the bluntness helped me stand up for myself in an interview I was woefully underprepared for.

And not only did I meet lots of great friends, but also my husband. And he was from a very different 'tribe' to mine!

One of the greatest thing about university is living within such a melting pot of different types of people with varying opinions and outlooks. And yes, Oxford has further to go with getting a diverse student body, but the way you describe your DD I think she'll make lots of friends if she likes it and gets in.

Puremince · 09/11/2016 12:35

You are close enough to Oxford, that the school have only charged "a tenner for the bus" there, but you have also said that she will be "alone in the country" if she goes to Oxford.

There are enough people from her school interested in Oxford for the school to send a bus party to visit it, but you think her background means that the sort of people at Oxford will be a hitherto unmet type.

I know a scarily bright young man who didn't get into Oxford; it's really, really, not a given.

Needastrongone · 09/11/2016 12:36

OP. Please may I just ask why you are sure that she will get in? And I mean this not in a nasty manner. Just my own DS is academically capable, and if he chooses to apply then that's fine, but the competition for places is so high I wouldn't take it as a given.

BipBippadotta · 09/11/2016 12:36

Can I just also say that my mother had all sorts of ideas about which careers I would or wouldn't be temperamentally suited to - she tied herself in knots of anxiety if I wanted to go for jobs she felt were 'too competitive' or that would make me too stressed.

I heard her concerns as 'you aren't good enough for that job' or 'you'll never make it in that industry'. So I didn't go for the jobs or the industries, as I thought I'd just make a fool of myself. I went into safer, more familiar lines of work that bored me rigid and made me miserable and it's taken me years and loads of money to retrain in what I originally wanted to do. I'm good at it and it makes me every bit as happy as I thought it would.

Sometimes people are better judges than their parents of what will make them happy and where they will fit in.

chopchopchop · 09/11/2016 12:43

If she hasn't met her people now, I think, especially from your description, that she's much more likely to meet them at Oxford.

I went to the other place, as an argumentative, chip on shoulder, charity-shop-dressed student on a full grant from a comprehensive school outside Stockport. I HATED some of the people, but at the same time, university was the first place where I ever truly felt I belonged.

She sounds great, by the way, but then I would say that, wouldn't I.

Puremince · 09/11/2016 12:44

Also, you say "The first issue as I see it is the time and money to visit lots of universities, just won't happen. So I feel we are on the back foot from the start."

Her school have organised this trip to Oxford for which you have paid a tenner. So it doesn't sound as though it's all down to you as she seems to be at a pro-active school.

winterisnigh · 09/11/2016 12:44

the more I read the more I feel sad for your DD and I think you need to be quiet and support her You have no idea who are comrades will be there at all. Leave her be and be happy for her.

IF it doesnt work out - which is something that does happen to thousands of students at loads of unis all over the country you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

shinynewusername · 09/11/2016 12:44

Can you imagine a boy being discouraged from going to one of the best universities in the world because 'he might not meet his best man there'? Hmm

gillybeanz · 09/11/2016 12:44

She could go to any uni and meet life long buddies.
She could equally go to any uni and never hear from her peers again.

Why do you want her to have life long buddies from uni?
What does your dd want? Maybe life long uni buddies isn't on her radar, it's what she wants, not what you want.

Witchend · 09/11/2016 12:46

I met dh at Oxford, plus most of my long term friends I met there. Interestingly I wouldn't have said that while I was there necessarily, but they're the ones who have stuck around even though we've gone different ways.
My godmother meets up 3-4 times a year with the crowd she got on with from Oxford and has now for 50 years.

You have to realise there is an aspect of luck in getting in. There are 100s of brilliant youngsters applying, and they've got to show why they should get the place rather than the 99 others that on paper are as good.

There's also a total range of people. Among my friends there were people who'd grown up on the breadline-Oxford was great for them because the college supported them financially when they were stuck, and there were one or two on the other end of the scale and whose official residence was .
Actually most of the time you wouldn't have been able to tell t'other from which.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/11/2016 12:49

I think she will be fine! Please don't project your anxieties onto her X

Clarinet1 · 09/11/2016 12:50

I can't help wondering whether the OP has been watching too much Inspector Morse and Lewis (lol)!

*Disclaimer I didn't go (or apply) to Oxbridge.

SuperFlyHigh · 09/11/2016 12:54

SIL (DB's wife) went to Oxford, she's a sensitive, introvert academic but also artistic (history of art) admittedly came from a private day school background with headmaster for father but got into Oxford and got double first in her subject.

15 years on she's close friends with her 'tribe' from there but also the first single mother to be at Oxford, she is goddaughter to her daughter.

so there aren't really tribes there or types. the single mother certainly wasn't or isn't typical.

Enidblyton1 · 09/11/2016 12:57

Op, your DD sounds perfect for Oxford. It's a fantastic university and so diverse - big enough to be full of many different sorts of people, but a small enough city (and cosy college system) to be more nurturing than some of the larger universities.
If your DD is on a school trip there today, the school obviously feel she would be suited to going there and have a chance of getting in?
I only visited 3 universities before applying (I never actually visited my eventual second choice uni) so don't worry too much about that. Read the prospectus, chat to DDs teachers. They should be able to advise.

Lastly, your DD might be amazing, but I know many amazing people who did not get into Oxford. It's a bit of a lottery. Especially if she is applying for one of the more popular subjects like English. (Whereas in my year there were only 10 applicants for 9 places in Engineering at one of the colleges!)
Knowing which college to apply for is a minefield. I was given poor advice from my school and applied to (in hindsight) the wrong college. I did get in, but by the skin of my teeth.
Please don't be upset if your DD doesn't get in - it will be little reflection of her abilities. Look at the prospectuses for the other Russell Group universities and see what you DD likes the look of.
Good luck!