Eldest DD wants to go to Oxford I fear her tribe is not there

[Pisssssedofff]

But she's determined. I want to support her I really do but I want her to meet her life long buddies at uni.

Any thoughts ?

If your DD loves her subject(s), I think she will enjoy being at Oxford. And that passion is what will get her through the interview.

OP, with all respect, I do know what it is like at the other end for students who are only at university because their parents thought it was a good idea. As a university tutor, those are the students I see in plagiarism meetings, those are the students for whose benefit I keep a box of tissues in my office, those are the students I have to chase endlessly as their attendance starts slipping.

There is no reason your dd should not go to uni if that is what she wants. But if she cannot muster the independence to decide about her own courses, how is she going to cope with the independence required for the thousand and one decisions she will need to make as an actual student?

I don't know your dd. But I do know what universities look like, what kind of support we can and cannot offer. You need to start working on her independence now.

I think that's the first thing that needs bashing out, what exactly are "her subjects" and we can go from there, she'll get an A* in Spanish which she's only been studying for a short while v's 3.5 years her class mates have had so hopefully she will concern grate her efforts there

corythatwas she's fine with regards to independence, independent learning and isnt going to go because I want her to so thanks for the input but you are barking up the wrong tree

I have a DS who started in October. I know it's early days - but yes, he's definitely found his tribe. The thing is - whatever your background, you have to be bloody clever and bloody motivated to get into Oxbridge. You can't just be bright - you have to have a love of learning, just for the sake of learning, which most people don't have (I certainly don't). So you already have something in common and that's your tribe, right there. DS came from a failing academy in a provincial city - very large 6th form, only 2 Oxbridge applicants. He's now mates with a lad from Eton. They have the love of their subject in common, and that seems to be enough.

What I was talking about was not independent learning, OP, but being used to thinking for herself and making independent choices.

Your whole thread is based on the assumption that you can know better than her what kind of atmosphere will be right for her in 2 or 3 years time. To me, that is potential infantilising and is unlikely to do her any favours. By the time she sends in that UCAS application, certainly by the time she goes to uni, she should have got used to the idea of thinking of herself as a grown-up.

corythatwas no the whole thread was on the basis that I know nothing about Oxford and wondered what people had experienced there themselves.
The girl right now is trying to figure her whole self out, has issues I know about and aren't about to splash over the Internet and they will affect her in ways she probably hasn't considered for herself. People in different positions to us probably can afford to make mistakes my kid just can't

OP. I've got one in Y11 and one in Y12. There's a whole heap of maturity between those 2 stages, in some ways I don't recognise DS from his Y11 self. Your DD is in a good place academically, but maybe not for Oxbridge. Like I said, DS got 12 A/A*'s but I don't know at this early stage if he can replicate this at A Level.

I'd give her some time to mature for the next year, and she where she is at then and what she wants to do. They even surprise you with A Level choices tbh!

Thing is she's very sensible and mature I'd have no kalms leaving her alone for the weekend in charge of pets. She'd be fine.

I guess it's knowledge about the system she and I are lacking and we have a year to get up to speed on.

corythatwas I think you have gone off on at a complete tangent with your lectures on independence. You obviously have frustrations in your job, but they are nothing to with OP or her DD. We all try to give our DC good advice. That's all that is happening here.

School will guide you though that though. Do your own research but they start a lot of that in Y12. DS is going on a university day tomorrow in fact, not a specific course, but about the whole experience, finance, accommodation etc.

Did you do Masters though, you and DH? Won't you have some idea perhaps?

I like the auto correct for qualms

Of course it is difficult to know about your dd, OP, and I do appreciate that. It depends on what her issues are.

Part of my feeling on this has come from seeing students who seem insufficiently prepared for the environment they've ended up in because their parents have done all of the legwork and their parents have done all of the thinking and planning: all they have had to do is pass exams.

Part is from having a dd of a similar age with some pretty hefty issues of her own (chronic ill health, MH issues etc). In her case, I have also had the feeling that she can't afford to make mistakes the way her peers can. But the conclusion that has led me to has rather been that she can't afford to be less clued-up than them: she needs to be more clued-up because the odds were always going to be stacked against her. She needs to know more about her own potential and limitations and that has to come from within herself. I am there to listen and act as a sounding-board, but she will change and develop and become somebody I may not even recognise and that is absolutely fine. She will make mistakes: everybody needs to be able to make mistakes, and she needs to learn how you sort your own mistakes out.

Needastrongone our university choice was based on csn we get there through traffic for 6pm. That was it. Ex went to hull because he fucked up and they were the only one who'd have him and I went my choice of university based on the Likihood of bumping into David Platt on his lunch break ! It's all changed

corythatwas as I said earlier which may or may not have been noticed. This is her one time only opportunity to get this right, this her chance to do the research make the choices etc because if it goes wrong it then becomes my way or the highway which nobody wants. I can and of course will pick the pieces up, but she won't like that st all hence this has to work out.

Well, like I say, school (or college) will guide you both through the process. But they do change tons Y11 to Y12, and I am sure beyond that. Be prepared for that!

And it's coming from somebody who's watched my younger brothers be allowed to do what they want, they are all the man they will ever be at 20, you have to let them make their own mistakes etc and you know what their lives have been a bloody car crash. The young people I know who've been successful were on a pretty tight leash til they got to university, that might be an unpopular view but it's what I've witnessed

I think you have to wait and see, it is early days yet and who knows what grades she may get. Encourage her to keep an open mind, but let her make her own decisions. With the best will in the world and lots of research, no one ever really knows if their choice is right and will work out for them. So many unpredictable factors are involved. Try not to amp up the pressure with all this 'can't afford to make a mistake' talk, just hope for the best and stay calm.

One thing she can do and that will definitely keep her options open is choose traditional academic subjects for A level in a combination that will allow her to access her favoured degree courses.

If she is very unsure, would it be a possibility for her to apply after A levels, and work for a year before going to uni?

Fwiw, an argumentative, socially awkward person who dresses like a homeless person would find a lot of kindred spirits at Oxford and would probably like the collegiate system.
Agreed, but if she doesn't take her GCSEs until next summer, then does two years for A-levels, it's going to be almost three years before she actually gets to university, by which time she will almost certainly be a completely different person - a young adult rather than a teenager - who may well have moved on from the "homeless" look!

Leaving aside all the questions about whether she will get in, etc, to respond to your original question, I went to Cambridge and the great thing about being at such a large university is that there isn't just one 'tribe'.
Everyone, whatever their background, can find others who share their interests and passions. Their subject is one obvious such area - and you do have to be passionate about that to get in and enjoy the pace and demands of life when life there. But there are a host of different activities, clubs, societies, etc, etc to cater for every possible taste. And the college system makes it easy to meet people in a smaller unit than the university.
Nor, as others have said, is Oxbridge full of Sebastian Flytes or Boris' n Dave Bullingdon Club members.

Let her follow her dream. Be there with her every step of the way. We need new tribes in oxford and Cambridge!

sarahnova69 Wed 09-Nov-16 17:20:14

The best way it was explained to me was that the tutors will spend a lot of time with each student over 3 or 4 years, so they are looking for people they want to work with. So you have to give good answers, but it is also about 'chemistry' with the academic team.

They get bored to tears of students absorbing and regurgitating a prevailing view. They want people who can think for themselves and hold a conversation. They love it when a student can take a slightly provocative angle, as long as they can justify it when challenged. They are looking for people who engage with their subject rather than just absorbing it.

This ^^^ and in spades. DC came home from interview just done in, exhausted; but once been there and stayed in halls for 3 days just desperate to then go there - utterly fell in love with it. But thought had bollocksed the whole thing via last Q in last (day 3) interview...

They asked stupidly hard (immediate mentally calculated answer being required) math question using a 'reward' of ice cream as the unit being counted/squared/multiplied/divided across 'x' time period. DC just slumped as wholly knacked.. Then laughed and said "I love it here, now I've been here I can't imagine going anywhere else but I'm sorry; my brain's fried and all I can think of is that if I ever ate that much fucking ice-cream I'd die of heart disease before I ever worked out what the maximum amount of ice-cream I can get is"

Rang me immed after and was and as thought had blown it. But then got softest offer imaginable, and when started 2 of their tutors said it was that response that differentiated them; that they 'knew' every candidate they were seeing was intellectually able but they were looking for a degree of 'robustness' along with some sign that not simply a nerdy automaton.

There are many paths to education too. My friend is a social worker, who got her degree (and then masters) while a single parent to 3 DC. Education didn't work for her when she was younger.

I have degree equivalent qualifications, but in a career specific field, and did this while working full time after leaving school with good A Levels.

DH left school at 16 (son of a miner) and runs a highly successful business.

Different paths to life!

OP, could there be a degree of compromise between not "letting her off the leash" completely (which I can see your point about) and still encouraging her to own her decisions about where she goes and what she does?

OP DC now on gap year abroad (TEFAL) but is also doing >>>tutoring for GCSE/A-Levels and, relevantly, for Oxbridge entrances. PM me if have any specific questions now I've realised you are here for the long haul!