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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eldest DD wants to go to Oxford I fear her tribe is not there

393 replies

Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 11:26

But she's determined. I want to support her I really do but I want her to meet her life long buddies at uni.

Any thoughts ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 18:16

corythatwas. And that's absolutely my plan, I genuinely don't care where she goes as long as she is as sure as she can be she will be happy there, she will pass I've no doubt st all, the kid taught herself Latin for fun, she's weird but anyway.

But she does have to be realistic, London isn't an option, she can't afford it just as an example.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 09/11/2016 18:24

She sounds great, OP.

Eolian · 09/11/2016 18:25

Sounds like she'd fit in perfectly tbh. I don't understand why you'd think she wouldn't. Oxford is full of all sorts of odd types. As are lots of other universities. If she's been unable to find her niche at school, then university may well be where thinks all come together for her. If she's very bright and quirky, then Oxford will be ideal. I cannnot understand how you possibly think you know she'll get in though. You seriously can't know that. Gazillions of extremely bright, motivated kids with stellar predicted grades (and amazing extra-curricular stuff, work experience etc) apply. They can't all get in!

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 18:26

She will be the kid that speaks 4 languages but doesn't change her knickers I've no doubt. I'm just trying to make the path as smooth as possible

OP posts:
RoundandAroundSheGoes · 09/11/2016 18:30

Seems you've been jumped on by bitter posters who've put their kids through fancy schools and not managed to achieve an Oxbridge offer, or those who just want yet another opportunity to show off about their DC's grades/achievements.

Support your daughter in whatever she feels she wants to do. If you've come from a poor background, you'll find it an uphill struggle to get into Oxbridge. Cambridge have an extra form where you can explain educational difficulties www.undergraduate.study.cam.ac.uk/applying/decisions/extenuating-circumstances-form

Kids from good schools get access to tons of interview coaching, let alone the support in getting the grades they need. If she wants to get in, she may well be able to, but you'll be starting from the dodgy end of a very unlevel playing field.

Original poster
Pisssssedofff · 09/11/2016 18:34

RoundandAroundSheGoes thanks, I did consider remortgaging to put her in private 6th form if it was her dream but she doesn't seem that fussed either way

OP posts:
user7214743615 · 09/11/2016 18:40

Kids from good schools get access to tons of interview coaching, let alone the support in getting the grades they need. If she wants to get in, she may well be able to, but you'll be starting from the dodgy end of a very unlevel playing field.

Complete rubbish. Most kids don't get tons of interview coaching and it doesn't make any difference anyhow. Allowances are made for different support at school/home via different offers. Interviews always cover material that is new to everyone and interviewers look for potential in all candidates. An over-prepared kid stands out and interviewers will push hard, beyond what the student has been prepared for.

The biggest single barrier to Oxbridge admissions is prejudices from teachers and parents that aren't based on reality. 30% of state school teachers say that they wouldn't encourage their pupils to apply for Oxbridge. Why on earth not, if Oxbridge has courses appropriate to their pupils?

corythatwas · 09/11/2016 18:41

I do understand about wanting to make the path smooth.

Speaking from my own experience (very similar type to your dd, including the Latin and the dress sense) what I do wish somebody had told me was that sooner or later you will fail at something, you will make mistakes: what matters is how you deal with them. That it is almost always possible to pick yourself up and start again, even if it doesn't look like it.

Doesn't sound like you will have any problems with her work ethic, anyway, which is excellent. And there will be others like her wherever she goes.

lostoldlogin2 · 09/11/2016 18:49

Fucking hell.

Don't worry. Your kid might not get in. If she does.....she might like it she might not. I went to Cambridge a year early to study law. I got an AAB offer after interview with a handwritten footnote saying if I didn't get those grades no problem....I still had a place.

I hated it. I left after 7 months and went to a different Russell Group university.

My mum and dad minded their own fucking business about the whole thing and supported my choices. That's why at 32 years old I love them dearly still and call home several times a week. I know I can trust them to be supportive, offer constructive advice when necessary and back off and let me make my own mistakes and choices for the most part. I have a happy life and a professional job.

If you want your daughter to feel the same about you I suggest you stop piling expectations on her "if she wants to go she will definitely get in (she really really might not) " and then shitting on her dreams "if she goes it won't be right for her.

Jesus. Poor kid can't do right for doing wrong.

RoundandAroundSheGoes · 09/11/2016 18:53

OP isn't piling expectations at all. I don't understand the vitriol on this thread. Can only assume it's because OP dared suggest her daughter might be intelligent when she's predicted a B (the horror, can you imagine? Hmm)

RoundandAroundSheGoes · 09/11/2016 18:54

30% of state school teachers say that they wouldn't encourage their pupils to apply for Oxbridge. Why on earth not, if Oxbridge has courses appropriate to their pupils?

Because it's a wasted choice when the place will go to someone from a grammar/private.

Me2017 · 09/11/2016 18:57

The mother is probably foreign though so her English may not come over like ours does and her culture may be different.

The main thing is it's worth a try if your daughter wants to. The school suggested my boys applied (as they got AAAA in AS and they didn't want to which is fine with me and they have friends applying at their school ). Had they wanted to I would have supported them. What is important to realise is that plenty of people who are all very good indeed don't get in and not worry about it if you don't. I am the only one of my siblings who didn't got to Oxbridge (I went to Manchester) and I've done extremely well in law, arguably better than they have. I never tried and I am perfectly happy with how things went. However without a doubt it's great if you can have Oxbridge on your CV.

lostoldlogin2 · 09/11/2016 18:58

Seriously. Just being intelligent doesn't get you into Oxford. That's the baseline. Being very bright is the starting point. If you want to join the foreign legion you have to be able to do 4 pull ups to get through the door at Aubagne. Doesn't mean you get in because you can do 4 pull ups.

Me2017 · 09/11/2016 19:02

Actually also check the rules. I know at my son's school they have occasionally had children not in the UK long enough to be normal home applicants and same goes for English families who move abroad and want the children go come back to the UK for university.

topcat2014 · 09/11/2016 19:03

Is it too late to find a tribe (@45)..

I went to Liverpool (a while back..) and made friends there, a couple came to my wedding after a decade. Not in contact with anyone from there now.

But, it's too much pressure to assume you automatically end up with lifelong tribes.

Some do, some don't.

YelloDraw · 09/11/2016 19:04

To be fair, it sounds like Pisssssedofff DD is exactly the kind of kid that will get in. Fucking clever. Works hard. State school. TICK

More private school kids get in because 1) they encourage more to apple and 2) have WAY more coaching. But if you are honestly exceptional (and someone who teaches themselves latin for fun IS exceptional) then she has a bloody good chance.

lostoldlogin2 · 09/11/2016 19:05

Oh and if she gets anything other than straight As and A*s at GCSE these days she hadn't got a prayer of getting invited for interview never mind walking in! Good grief.

lljkk · 09/11/2016 19:06

People are supposed to find their lifelong friends at Uni? Confused Damn, I missed that memo.

mateysmum · 09/11/2016 19:09

OP, I went to Oxford many years ago from a northern mill town state school. I had a simply wonderful time and made lifelong friends. Oxford can be a magical place and I know how different my experience was from my son's current one at an RG uni.
I suggest your DD first looks and decides if she likes the Oxford course for her subject. There is masses of info out there. You should both look at www.ox.ac.uk/admissions and the separate faculty pages. all the colleges have their own websites and there are loads of stats available on admissions overall and by college. This should also direct her choice of A level subjects. Her current selection is a bit random. If she went for languages for instance, the admissions statistics and grades are favourable.

If you are concerned about your DD's wellbeing/safety, I think Oxford could suit very well. The colleges can be very close knit and are physically safe and contained with catering/library/bar/tutorials etc all on site. Also the university is all very central and easy to get around. Most students are provided with 3 years college accommodation which means no worries about dodgy landlords or areas.

RoundandAroundSheGoes · 09/11/2016 19:09

Oh and if she gets anything other than straight As and As at GCSE these days she hadn't got a prayer of getting invited for interview never mind walking in! Good grief.*

Bollocks to that. I got an interview with AAA*ABBB and I was from a state. It's not rare.

lostoldlogin2 · 09/11/2016 19:10

When was that Roundandaround?
And did you get offered a place?

RoundandAroundSheGoes · 09/11/2016 19:11
  1. Got a place but didn't take it.
mateysmum · 09/11/2016 19:12

RoundandAround That's just the attitude that deters bright, state pupils from applying. Shame on you.

The majority of Oxford students went to state school and the proportion is increasing. All admissions tutors are interested in is intelligence and potential, not whether you know how to drink sherry. I am meeting 2 lifelong Oxford friends next week. None of us went to private school.

lostoldlogin2 · 09/11/2016 19:13

Fair enough. Sounds unusual though, sorry. Unless you were a mature student.

RoundandAroundSheGoes · 09/11/2016 19:14

That's just the attitude that deters bright, state pupils from applying. Shame on you.

It's reality.

My state had two applicants to Oxbridge and one for medicine. The med candidate was the other Oxbridge candidate.

I now go to medical school with kids who went to sixth form where half or more applied for medicine and a decent sized chunk for Oxbridge. In state schools it's only the top-top who apply for Oxbridge, with other schools it's the middle-top.