Aibu not to offer to give up my seat?

[fatandold]

On a packed commuter tube carriage, I'm sitting in the "priority seat". It only just became available when we reached a station, and I was glad of the chance to sit down and it was closest to where I was standing. Currently ill with a bug and feeling like death, not that that is hugely relevant as I'm not pregnant or disabled to qualify for special treatment. If I hadn't sat there, someone else would have and nobody else appeared to be a "qualifying person".

So, a mum and little girl get on. Train becomes less packed. Girl looks about 8 yrs old, shoe size 1-2 (I'm good with shoes), and has a scooter. My instinct was to offer the girl my seat, but I dithered and the woman next to me offers her seat to the child, and the mum declines as they are getting off the next stop.

When I was a child, my mum made us get up to offer an adult a seat, regardless of whether said adult was vulnerable or in special need. This was the social convention because in those days you deferred to the older generation. When we were babies or toddlers my mum would have been given a seat and we would be on her lap. We would rarely have been offered a seat of our own. I can't remember at what age we were made to stand but probably from about 4 or 5.

So what is the cut off age or condition now? This girl was quite capable of standing, yet possibly because I have small children, and as a society we now defer to children's wants and needs far more than when I was a child, my first instinct was to offer her my seat.

I dithered with indecision paralysis, so lost the opportunity. Then I started to wonder if I actually should have offered it or not. Over to you, wise old MN.

Same for my incredibly healthy child of 9. I'll make her stand for someone less able to stand, but not simply someone older.

listsandbudgets that is lovely. What a sweet thing to do.

I would always offer my seat to a child as they are less able to balance but not if I were feeling ill.

YANBU not to give up your seat, but why do you expect a child to automatically give up a seat for an adult?

I offer my seat to people less able to stand. Even if I have baby in sling as it's easy to stand. 9 times out of 10 it go upstairs on the bus anyway

Natalia I think if you see a person who looks eg exhausted etc then a child should offer the seat if it is sitting in one.

I'm not pregnant, older etc but sometimes my commute has been hell.

I just offer my seat to anyone who I think needs it more. I would have offered it to the OP as she's not well, and if the child was having trouble reaching somewhere to hold on I would have offered it to them. If I was feelig awful then I wouldn't offer my seat to an 8 year old who seemed fine standing. I've previously offered my seat to a man struggling with a big box - he looked tired and it was safer and he took up less room that way. Most of my pregnancy I didn't need a seat, but there were many times I felt faint and you wouldn't have known I was pregnant, which is why the badges are great and I hope the new ones get rolled out.

If the right to a seat was anything to do with how much we'd paid then all the older people would be giving up their seats. If you could pay less and only sit down if there were no full fares in need of the seat then loads of people would do this - but it's bollocks, there's no rule.

I'd hope that anyone who was struggling would ask for a seat, but I know this won't happen.

My disability is invisible. I make a point of travelling off-peak but sometimes it can't be helped. I seriously cannot stand for any length of time.

Once on a cross-country train journey when there were no seats but lots in first class, I explained my predicament to the guard and told him that if I were injured by having to stand I'd tell his employer it had been his decision. He promptly agreed that it would be best for me to sit where I could.

On the rare occasions I have to ask for the priority seat I've only ever had people be lovely about it.

It would never have occurred to me to give up my seat to a healthy child. If very small, OK, but generally speaking children find standing very little effort. In my book children offer seats to adults. I have seen women with several children taking up 4 seats while adults are standing, and I'm very

I offer
pregnant ladies
Elderly
Disabled
People on crutches etc
Children under 7ish who are less steady on their feet or unable to hold on easily.
Anyone who asked if they could sit down for x,y,z reason

My dd has an invisible disability and sits in the priority single seating which is right at the front up a little step every day. A pregnant lady got on the bus last week walked past that bit to the lower priority seats not one of the adults on the bus would give up their seat for her. Luckily my dd isn't an arsehole like them and gave up her own seat to the very grateful lady who felt poorly and then spent an hour falling about and actually fell.

I'd hope that anyone who was struggling would ask for a seat, but I know this won't happen.

I actually don't understand this.

I was once on the tube and someone with a cane was standing while I and others were sitting. His cane was obscured from my view, so I didn't know he had a cane. I shifted positions and finally saw the cane, so I got up, but I don't get why the person didn't ask. As far as I can tell, nobody was being rude, they just didn't notice the cane.

Meh, you needed the seat. Stop overthinking things.

chilipepper20 - most people are reasonable but I have heard stories of people needing a seat asking for one and being refused or verbally abused so it's not wonder we don't like to ask sometimes. :(

I once got absolutely ripped apart by a couple of posters (they went on for several pages) for saying that I'd expect my then 4yo to stand or sit in my lap. These days (she's 6) she often chooses to stand, and is very careful not to sit in the priority seat.

OP, you were fine in this instance, poorly adult trumps fit 8yo.

Polar that's terrible. It's hard to know what to do. People won't get up for sure if they don't know someone needs the seat.

I was recently on a packed Jubilee line train with my badge on. A nice man asked if I was okay. Another man saw my badge and asked for a seat on my behalf. He was met with silence and the closing of eyes. A lady rolled her eyes and got up for me eventually. I smiled and said thank you and she turned her back to me.

On several occasions people have kindly offered to get a seat for me when I haven't been able to get through to the seats myself.

People are strange/lack empathy but most of us will end up disabled/needing a seat for whatever reason one day. There are also some very nice people out there too!

You are entitled to make that decision for your own child RiverTam, but you can't expect someone else to follow your rules.

Oh absolutely, and I made the point that DD had very good balance, wasn't clumsy and it had never been a problem. I was attacked for doing that with my own child.

I wouldn't necessarily expect all 4yos to stand, I know plenty aren't steady in their feed, but I would expect them to double up.

Steady on their feet

A woman was horrible to me when I asked for a seat when 6 months pregnant.

Someone offered me a seat when I was pregnant and fainted.

I suffer from horrendous travel sickness. I have on occasion asked someone to let me sit down (it's MCUH worse standing) but I have to say it helps me understand how those with a hidden disability must feel. I almost wished to be sick over one particular traveller who felt his bag was more deserving of a seat than me or any of the other dozen or so who stood for more than an hour!

When I was a child, my mum made us get up to offer an adult a seat, regardless of whether said adult was vulnerable or in special need. This was the social convention because in those days you deferred to the older generation..

^^ When was this golden era of deference to the older generation to which you refer OP?

I'm 52 and my mum, born in 1923, would never have told me to stand for an able-bodied adult. She might have taken me onto her lap, but if her lap was already occupied by shopping or if I was a heavy 8 year old, then she'd have let someone else do the honours.

That's how I think too.

By your rules I should be able to step on to a crowded tube tomorrow and expect anyone of 25 and under to get up for me, which is just nuts.

If that's what your mum and now you do, fine. But you cannot expect other people to follow your personal code. BTW, if you told your child to vacate their seat for me, I'd say thanks but no thanks because I don't need it.

I'm 45 and we were expected to do this. Obviously it wasn't your personal experience, limited, but that doesn't change the fact that it was more usual then than now. When we were teenagers we would always sit in each other's knees, big groups of us, it was normal.

I've shifted DD off her seat in the past and always been gratefully thanked. I think a knackered commuter is more deserving of her seat, when she's simply spend some time at the library, for instance.

I remember signs on buses saying that children had to stand if full fayre paying passengers had no seats. Fair enough.

If the bus is busy I will usually have my ten year old stand or sit on my lap with my two year old on her lap though I have only had to do this twice (my two year old no longer uses a pram).

When I was pregnant, around 8 months, I had a ton of shopping and not one person offered me their seat. I don't expect people to but the offer would have been nice.

Though I always give up my seat for the elderly.