Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not to offer to give up my seat?

156 replies

fatandold · 08/11/2016 18:59

On a packed commuter tube carriage, I'm sitting in the "priority seat". It only just became available when we reached a station, and I was glad of the chance to sit down and it was closest to where I was standing. Currently ill with a bug and feeling like death, not that that is hugely relevant as I'm not pregnant or disabled to qualify for special treatment. If I hadn't sat there, someone else would have and nobody else appeared to be a "qualifying person".

So, a mum and little girl get on. Train becomes less packed. Girl looks about 8 yrs old, shoe size 1-2 (I'm good with shoes), and has a scooter. My instinct was to offer the girl my seat, but I dithered and the woman next to me offers her seat to the child, and the mum declines as they are getting off the next stop.

When I was a child, my mum made us get up to offer an adult a seat, regardless of whether said adult was vulnerable or in special need. This was the social convention because in those days you deferred to the older generation. When we were babies or toddlers my mum would have been given a seat and we would be on her lap. We would rarely have been offered a seat of our own. I can't remember at what age we were made to stand but probably from about 4 or 5.

So what is the cut off age or condition now? This girl was quite capable of standing, yet possibly because I have small children, and as a society we now defer to children's wants and needs far more than when I was a child, my first instinct was to offer her my seat.

I dithered with indecision paralysis, so lost the opportunity. Then I started to wonder if I actually should have offered it or not. Over to you, wise old MN.

OP posts:
user1471545174 · 08/11/2016 21:16

YANBU of course, OP.

AldrinJustice · 08/11/2016 21:21

I'd offer my seat to someone who needs it. My cut off would be by the height of the child, on a packed commuter train it is easy for a small child to be trumped by commuters squashed in like sardines so I would give a child a seat to ease the claustrophobic situation for them if they're being engulfed. Although I agree with you OP in your situation

SpookyMooky · 08/11/2016 21:24

I've been told off on the tube by a third party for not offering my 4 year old's priority seat to an older gentleman. The irony was, he'd already offered her his seat and I'd declined it!

Guessing ages is a v tricky business. I wouldn't worry about it, and I wouldn't expect you to give up your seat for my child generally.

Loaferloveforyou · 08/11/2016 21:26

I judge but how steady on their feet they are (kids that is) I thought if they are young you offered them a seat to stop them falling over Grin is that the reason for offering kids seats or am I completely barking up the wrong tree?

ghostspirit · 08/11/2016 21:28

I offer my seat to anyone I think needs it or tell my kids to offer the seat.

CocktailQueen · 08/11/2016 21:33

Why are you commuting with a bug and risking infecting everyone else??

Eevee77 · 08/11/2016 21:38

Cocktail, people can't stay at home every time they feel a bit unwell Hmm

ghostspirit · 08/11/2016 21:42

I just knew people would say things about op having a bug/ unwell.

listsandbudgets · 08/11/2016 21:44

I have always told DD to offer a seat and it paid off for her recently.

DD (11) offered her seat to an elderly gentleman the other day - I didn't tell her to though (was sitting a few rows back with DS, 4 on my lap).

He got off the stop before us and pressed something in her hand as he went by - turned out to be a pound wrapped in a note that said

"How lovely to meet a such a polite young lady. Buy yourself some sweets"

RitchyBestingFace · 08/11/2016 21:50

I would offer my seat to a child (say 10 and under) as they are more likely to fall over - especially if the handrail is high/wide - and more likely to be crushed and trodden on a busy tube.

You didn't need to offer your seat but neither was the other lady in the wrong for offering hers. It's not a bad thing to defer to children's wants and needs - they are more vulnerable than us.

Seats should be on a need basis, not age or 'respect'.

midsomermurderess · 08/11/2016 21:50

I would never offer a child a seat but I'm of an age when children were brought up to give their seats to older people. I would say that if a bus is busy, a child should be put on its parent lap to free a seat, if the child is young enough to fit of course.

jollo · 08/11/2016 21:57

A pregnancy badge??? Confused Are these actually a thing?!?

SuperFlyHigh · 08/11/2016 21:57

I wouldn't offer a seat to an 8 year old either.

On our packed commute every morning there's a mum with an 8 year old boy and when we get on the train he pushes to get through if there are seats then sits smirking at people standing, today he made a big thing of putting an armrest between him and another passenger. On a few occasions when he has not managed to grab a seat I've heard him loudly complaining and saying to his mum "it's not fair why I am standing up and they're sitting down?!" Once i managed to grab the seat before he did and he actually said to me "that is my seat you're sitting in!" I told him briefly "no it's my seat I got here first". Mum remained silent!

Wouldn't harm the little angel to stand occasionally or be more considerate for much older people but this is such a packed train all that goes out of the window.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/11/2016 22:03

jollo yes TFL in London sell these pregnancy badges I think it says "baby on board". You're meant to give up your seat for a pregnant woman.

A lot of MN think they're a bit wankerish to be honest as if being pregnant and travelling should not entitle you to a seat. I do think more people should offer people specially with hidden conditions a seat not just pregnant women, my mum eg has rheumatoid arthritis and finds standing for long periods tiring yet she doesn't have a badge stating her disability, therefore would not get offered a seat.

I do try to offer a pregnant woman a seat but I've seen women with hardly any bump wearing these badges!

PetalMettle · 08/11/2016 22:53

It's not just about a bump. Your blood is all over the shop when you're pregnant so you're more likely to faint or be sick.
Also I'm rhesus negative and any falls or stomach blows would have been v dangerous for LO.
Actually TfL is trialling disability badges as well.

Atenco · 08/11/2016 22:55

I'd give a seat to a small child, say under five, if the train was crowded, because I feel so sorry for them hidden among everyone's feet.

angelikacpickles · 08/11/2016 23:01

I don't live in the UK but was in the London area last week on holiday and was pleasantly surprised at the number of people who offered a seat on the train to my 5 year old. A lovely lady also gave my toddler a seat on the Tube.

AuditAngel · 08/11/2016 23:07

I would expect DS (12) or DD1 (9) to give up their seat for an adult (any adult, but not teenagers). I would not expect DD2 (6) to give up her seat, as she is less good at balancing. That said, if it was busy, she would be on my knee.

To the old woman that hit my son as she decided he wasn't quick enough to give his seat on a bus to an adult (despite not hitting the girls sat near you), you have been reported to the police, and they have your photo. The only thing the police criticised DS for was not calling 999 to report you.

Horsepower9 · 08/11/2016 23:24

shoe size looked 1 - 2? Confused does this make a difference e.g: under size 1 would fall over quicker/ less stable?
I think you did right you were unwell. If it had been an old lady then yes.
bubble can't believe you sat your son on a random strangers lap Shock

RestlessTraveller · 08/11/2016 23:27

I would ne really give my seat up for a child, and a woman would have to be very pregnant for me to do so.

PetalMettle · 08/11/2016 23:29

are you in some way impaired restless or just selfish?

FoxesOnSocks · 08/11/2016 23:33

Having a bug on the bus might be a crafty move.

Contagious bug = Apocalypse.

Post apocalyptic world = 95% plus of the population bumped off: bus seat dilemma sorted

CheerfullyIndifferent · 08/11/2016 23:49

Haven't rtft yet but I have a fairly small 7 year old (shoe size 10.5 if it's relevant Grin). She is nearly always offered a seat but we neither expect it nor judge people who don't. She is perfectly capable of standing and doesn't mind doing so.

user1470997562 · 08/11/2016 23:53

I probably would just because I know what a struggle it is to manage your bags, a scooter and a small dc.

But I wouldn't expect you to give up your seat for my dc, if that makes any sense.

If my dc is sat next to me, I'd expect them to sit on my lap if someone needed a seat.

Trains are funny though. You get some truly lovely people and some utter arses. The ones who's bags need a seat to themselves on crowded trains irritate me the most. It's so selfish.

M00MINMAMMA · 08/11/2016 23:54

My ds has joint hypermobility syndrome. He looks fine but gets really terrible cramps in his legs. We let him sit at any given opportunity as otherwise it's a night of massage and painkillers. I would offer a seat to anyone I felt needed it more than me and based on the fact that my ds is now 9 but still has crippling pain but looks perfectly healthy, I'd think that could be anyone.