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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in the ladies loos AIBU?

332 replies

HairsprayBabe · 08/11/2016 16:34

First apologies for typos or spelling errors I am on my phone.

I am currently at an even where 95% of the attendees are men. I just went to the ladies and saw a man coming out of the cubicle. I told him politely he should not have been in there. His response was "Fuck of love".

I am annoyed he was in the ladies in the first place but raging he felt he could speak to me like that! AIBU to think that men shouldn't go into the ladies loos?!

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 08/11/2016 20:49

Does anyone actually really believe it was a trans?

Probably not

but given he clearly wasn't attacking anyone I would assume he had innocent reason for being there and it was probably none of my business.

Sad I start to understand why the old guy would almost rather have wet himself than used the ladies.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 08/11/2016 20:50

If I went into a toilet and was worried about a man being there I would leave. I don't get what the issue is

You don't get the issue with a woman being unable to utilise a female only space because a man has chosen to use it? Really?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 08/11/2016 20:51

Man was bloody rude. If I knew who he was I'd be mentioning it to his employer/ organisation he was representing. There was no justification for responding like that.

So far as the OP- you are at a conference, presumably lots of people around- what exactly is the big deal in this situation ?

At worst you could have fiddled with hair or makeup until he left if you didn't want to go into the cubiclr but it's hardly likely he was going to attack you in this situation.

So he might have heard you pee? Again so what- I hate all public loos for that reason. I don't care about the sex of the person hearing me.

I don't get the fear of changing a tampon or towel. The bin will be in the cubicle. If I had drenched knickers or tights I would not rinse them out in front of other women, I'd just make do with vast quantities of loo roll.

Glasgow Theatre Royal has fantastic unisex loos. Floor to ceiling with heavy solid doors with individual mirrors and washbasins in the cubicle. The Brighouse and Rastrick Brass Band could be practising in the next cubicle and you would not hear them.

SpeakNoWords · 08/11/2016 20:51

Totally agree about the safe unisex toilets.

But... should your reaction to the presence of men in women's toilets be what all women should feel, or is it legitimate for some women to have a different reaction based on their experiences? Is it ok for a man who can't be bothered to queue for the men's to expect to be able to use the women's without comment?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 08/11/2016 20:53

but given he clearly wasn't attacking anyone I would assume he had innocent reason for being there and it was probably none of my business

He verbally attacked the OP...

And by your logic a male should only be removed from a womens toilet after he has attacked someone...

You are also very lucky that your life experiences mean that you are perfectly comfortable in that situation. Can you accept that many other women have had different experiences?

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 08/11/2016 20:59

I can't believe you're going to email his boss

I am an employer. If I received a complaint about this about an employee this would be treated as a serious disciplinary matter- possibly even dismissal. I would be mortified if one of my employees behaved like this at a conference where he is my firm's representative and I would want to know.

And btw- the issue is the swearing, not the using the loo.

Toffeelatteplease · 08/11/2016 21:04

And by your logic a male should only be removed from a womens toilet after he has attacked someone

YES ABSOLUTELY. Because not every male who has the misfortunate of ending up the ladies loos is there to attack people!

And because I don't believe in punishing the whole of a gender for the crimes of the a very few sick few.

SpeakNoWords · 08/11/2016 21:09

I don't think this man suffered misfortune, I think he wanted to use the women's more than he care about the possibility of alarming women. Because he couldn't be bothered to wait.

geradine · 08/11/2016 21:13

Having worked in corrections, I can assure you that women are just as capable of violence as men are.

Also working in corrections, I am ashamed that you're giving the rest of us a bad name with your apparent ignorance.

Significantly more men are violent than women. And, often due to size and the presence of testosterone which causes increased strength compared to women in general, they are capable of causing much greater levels of harm than women are. Most sexual offenders are male. How you have failed to notice this if you really do work in the prison service (or similar) beggars belief.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 08/11/2016 21:17

And because I don't believe in punishing the whole of a gender for the crimes of the a very few sick few

How is it punishing men to require them to use the male toilets as opposed to the female ones Confused

venusinscorpio · 08/11/2016 21:20

Why is not letting a man into an intimate female space "punishing" him? It's not just about the undoubted threat men pose to women, it's also about privacy and dignity. I'd say you and the rest of the extremely cool girls here are in the minority overall, toffee. Most women do not want to share a toilet with men, whether they dress up as women or not. And should be able to politely challenge them (as the OP did) without getting a mouthful of abuse. I appreciate your situation with your DS, but that is an exception for a good reason, it shouldn't be a rule that men can waltz into the women's toilets whenever they feel like it and then be rude to women. And vice versa.

venusinscorpio · 08/11/2016 21:20

And it isn't a few.

SerendipityPhenomenon · 08/11/2016 21:21

It is a female space and should be treated as such IMO and even if men using it only makes 1% of women uncomfortable that should be supported and respected

But how far are you going to stretch that principle? If having a 7 year old boy in there makes 0.8% of women uncomfortable, do we ban all 7 year old boys? How about 5 year old boys making 0.7% uncomfortable? How about gay women making 0.5% uncomfortable? How about younger women making 0.4% of older women uncomfortable? Or vice versa? How about 0.1% of women being uncomfortable with any other person being in there at all, do they get to have an entire ladies' with 10 cubicles to themselves because "that should be supported and respected"?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 08/11/2016 21:24

Serendipity Straw man argument. Seven year old boys, 5 year old boys, gay women, and other women are not men, not adult males who as a population group are vastly more likely to commit a violent or sexual assault than a woman.

geradine · 08/11/2016 21:24

But how far are you going to stretch that principle?

Really?! The boundary is already set. If you are an adult, with a penis, do not go into the women's loos. Nobody is stretching it, it is quite clear and simple.

venusinscorpio · 08/11/2016 21:25

How about we have a rule that adult men aren't allowed in there? Oh wait, we have that already.

RoseGoldHippie · 08/11/2016 21:40

Women menstruate, and use the facilities in public toilets to change or wash out their sanitary protection.

Sorry - what do you mean wash out their sanitary protection?

Also I don't really see the difference of being in a room of cubicles with a man over being left alone in an office with a man. Should women just never be left around any man?

The cubicles in the U.K. Mostly have decent view blocking. And honestly I would y care about a blokey being in there - god knows I've used the men's enough times!

In the states I would be a little more mmmm about it because the doors are so small (why??)

Also to everyone saying unisex is the way to go - no it's not, imagine the bloody ques!! Also they never have urinals so the men would be queuing longer too making it bloody awful!

OutragedKoala · 08/11/2016 21:40

these threads always descent to "all men are potential rapists." Hate to tell you, but so are all women. In this scenario the man was havin an innocent pee, but we should vilify him because he has a penis

Toffeelatteplease · 08/11/2016 21:40

The boundary is already set. If you are an adult, with a penis, do not go into the women's loos. Nobody is stretching it, it is quite clear and simple.

Except it's not

what about a 14 year old boy? In 4 years time that will be DS. Needs unlikely to change much but in appearance probably not far off an adult man

or the male accompanying a 4 year old girl

or the male on water tablets who has just made it to the nearest toilets only to find they are female and the males are in the floor below or he simply didn't care until he got to a cubicle. you'd rather he wet himself than use the toilet simply because he has a penis?!?!

Nor are all man going to attack you because statistically men are more likely.

I shall wear my "cool girls" badge with much pride and hope for a future where more people mind their own business.

or at least there are more unisex loos

venusinscorpio · 08/11/2016 21:44

I'm happy to have more unisex loos, as long as there are female sex segregated ones too.

OutragedKoala · 08/11/2016 21:46

toffeelatte I think you're talking a lot of sense Star

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 08/11/2016 21:47

all men are potential rapists." Hate to tell you, but so are all women.

Only men can rape - it requires a penis HTH

Nor are all man going to attack you because statistically men are more likely

No, but some men may, and you can't have a toilet for women and males who don't rape. How can you tell before an attack.

Adult males should use the male toilets. If there is a particular reason they can't then they can make use of the disabled toilets.

RoseGoldHippie · 08/11/2016 21:49

Venus - why only women segregated ones? It may amaze you but men do also want some privacy and may not want to go for a shit in the company of women!

Yes I know I said up thread that i wouldn't be too bothered about a man being in the ladies but that situation is very uncommon. I don't feel think it would be fair to have unisex or women's and nothing else

geradine · 08/11/2016 21:49

these threads always descent to "all men are potential rapists." Hate to tell you, but so are all women.
Only men can rape, it requires a penis.

toffee
A 14 year old lad with his mother is an exception I'm sure we'd all allow. He isn't yet an adult, and you are with him. An elderly man on water tablets? Way closer to the line. I wouldn't want him in there - if he is on tablets can't he make sure he gets to the loo in good time? So no, I don't think it's more complicated than that, to be honest.

RoseGoldHippie · 08/11/2016 21:51

ItsAllGoingToBeFine

all men are potential rapists." Hate to tell you, but so are all women.

Only men can rape - it requires a penis HTH

Actually women can also do that, you can purchase equipment that makes you basically equal to a man in that sense. Before you tell me it wouldn't happen, I can and it has

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