OW contacting DH

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

Hold on, she knew you were miscarrying and chose that time to try & rekindle things with your DH? That is amazingly low and vile.

This all sounds horrible and you're handling it very well. Your DH is also handling this well. He responded politely, and without entering discussion, requesting her not to contact him again, repeatedly. I can understand why he kept it polite - I for one am highly unlikely to send a "fuck off' to anyone, and if it was to someone my DP had to work with, I'd make an effort to keep it polite, whatever I felt.

I can also understand why he didn't tell you immediately, given your current situation, and he must be feeling very protective, and wishes to look after you properly this time. You're under enough stress, I don't think you need to add suspicion of your DH to the mix, he's done the right thing this time.

OW on the other hand sounds unhinged. And unbelievable that on both occasions she knew you were particularly vulnerable following miscarriages. She's a vulture.

She crossed a line big style when she used the emergency contact number to text your dp. It's a breach of confidentiality in a way. And to get in contact 8 years later is very odd. In fact, her behaviour back then and now lacks boundaries. The affair, the letter righting, the series of texts despite what you said when she started and what your dp said in reply. t's all unusual, obsessive behaviour that oversteps normal boundaries.

Boundaries such as: don't engage in dirty talk with a 'friend's dp. Don't write a letter to the woman who has been wronged. That was weird - she should have backed off, it's almost like she was playing a game and enjoying the attention from both of you. Also, I would be very suspicious about her joining your place of work. Yes you have a common name, but she may have known it was you there. Her subsequent behaviour is very very odd - seeing as it's 8 years post one night stand. To be using the number in that way, to repeatedly send texts despite him being clear.

She sounds like she could be trouble longer term. So you are absolutely right to have spoken to your boss and go down the official route. You didn't cause any of this trouble.

It's all slightly stalkerish if I'm honest and I hesitate using that term but actually I think she has wandered over that line both then and now. Of course it was your dp who cheated, but the way she responded and what she's done now sound very odd.

I remember your other thread OP and thought you handled it so well!

The women has no shame and should be disgusted with herself - it is not your dh who is at fault this time, you drew a line under it and you forgave them both, this is purely on her.

Good luck when you go in to work this afternoon.

I remember you too OP. I believe your DH and feel like he was trying to protect you after your shitty time recently. I hope the meeting goes ok and is not too stressful.

for your loss.

Her employers would be mad to keep her on after this. They can probably sack her for gross misconduct.

I also agree with toptoe .

Once he said do not contact me again she should not have contacted him again. It's out of order. The husband has behaved very well in this thankfully.

I am very impressed with how calm you have been in dealing with all this dilly and I hope work take her actions seriously and do something about what she has done.

On your OP alone, I would screen shot the text messages then complain to the company that she breached data protection in using information in the work place for her own personal ends. Imagine if she had contacted the father of one of the children there and sent a similar message? Is your scenario that different?

If you don't report it, then she could try to undermine you / get you sacked, and you will have no comeback

Sending lots of hugs for you, OP at a really difficult time. I agree with PPs - you should contact your own line manager, explain the situation, and ask them to get involved. This person has acted totally inappropriately, and you should not be expected to work with her.

Hope you feel better soon.

I remember your last thread. You were so forgiving about everything, but I'd definitely say the time for that has passed now! She is behaving dreadfully and I bet will continue to do so unless she is stopped.

I hope the meeting goes well. Sounds mean, but honestly the best outcome for you and your family would be for her to get sacked. Best of luck.

I believe your OH.

Please report this awful woman to management. Show them screen shots of the texts. Tell them that you can no longer liaise with her at work.

Read the thread, she has reported it and is meeting with management today.
I hate it when people don't read the op updates.
Op " I have reported it and am meeting with management today"
Mn " if I was you, I would report it"

🙄🙄🙄 cancel the cheque🙄🙄🙄

So sorry Dilly to read about your loss and son's health issues.

Would agree with Rosie and a couple of other posters that DH is not to blame here. You both put the past behind you and made a fresh start. This means that he isn't going to be forever under some special probation. Moving on means just that and one party doesn't get to continually bring up something and put the blame on someone over an incident that happened under very specific circumstances. You've shown so much empathy and emotional maturity, as you realised that your DH suffered from the first miscarriage too, which affected your relationship at the time. Sounds to me that in some ways while not ideal, this one night stand forced you both to address underlying problems and actually led to having a much stronger and loving relationship ever since. I believed that DH was trying to shield you from more stress. Hindsight and all that but his motives seem out of care for you. However, as others have commented there seems something really unhinged and worrying about the OW! She involved herself far too much 8 years ago for what was a drunken one-night stand. She was encouraging and pursuing an emotional relationship with someone during a very vulnerable time who was clearly not single. To me that looks incredibly scheming and underhand. It feels like the one-night stand was engineered by her and meant to lead to a relationship, as she probably expected DH to leave you. Instead it put a total end to her interaction and led to a solid marriage. I am concerned that OW was stalking you for the past 8 years and followed your professional and perhaps in as much as she could your private life from afar. I am not convinced her applying for this job was a coincidence. There is also an odd symmetry that once again she contacts your DH after a miscarriage. I find that chilling! It is as if she perhaps felt that this might make DH vulnerable enough again for her to go after him. The lack of empathy and disregard for basic social etiquette would make me extremely worried and I'd want her out of my life totally, including work.

Hope your meeting this afternoon goes well and you are given all the support you deserve

I now suspect that she knew you worked there when she applied and accepted the job. I could be wrong though.

X-post with Retro!

Hearts I thought the same in the last thread.

OP says no that her name is very common but I know from previous Google snooping how easy it is to find where someone has moved eg home address, place of work etc.

OP please put your family first now and deal with this woman by reporting her actions to your manager as well as shutting down her means of communication to your DH (change number or block calls and text).

I'm with queen on page 1, ex-OW has majorly pole vaulted over the line!

Hope your meeting with owners went well. Glad you and your husband are working through this together

OP juts read your update, you did the right thing and have acted completely professionally throughout. This drama is 100% because of her. Hope the meeting goes well

I don't understand why he didn't block her instantly and why he continued to respond to her messages? He says to keep things calm for you but he made it worse by responding and not just once.
This says to me that he was probably enjoying the conversation with her, and the attention she was giving him whilst being mature by telling her he wasn't interested, yet still kept responding.

He obviously knows how to block a number as you've now stated that he has finally done so in your update.
The OW has broken the trust again (whatever trust there may have been after the first incident!) however, she isn't necessarily the problem here, if your husband had of blocked her instantly after she told him who it was, and came to you, he would of looked the better person for not continuously responding and updating her on your sons condition I just do not understand what he hoped to gain by doing what he's done.

AND it's only because you found it... That he came clean.
He still hadn't blocked her by that point either... Imagine what could have happened if you didn't find it.