OW contacting DH

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

You've been a bigger person than most for forgiving him in the first place. He'd have been toast in most people's minds.

You owe this woman nothing. She's totally to blame

I'm so pleased that you're taking action on this. I know that the OW is often presented as 'crazy', but this is actually so inappropriate on so many levels! It really does make me wonder if she did hunt out your place of work on purpose. I know if I worked in the same field as someone I'd badly wronged, and was thinking of moving, I'd try to keep tabs on where they were, to try to avoid them- what's to say she hasn't done the same, for different reasons?

And even if she hasn't, you've behaved with such dignity, and she has pissed all over your boundaries... Time to show your teeth!

This is not because of you.

This is because of her.

And you may only have been there since April, but a) you've been there longer than her and b) if you're anything in person like you sound here, then you will have shown yourself to be damn good at your job, and worth keeping. Not only that, but I can guarantee the way you have handled this situation so far will have thrown a very favourable light on your reasoning, judgment and the way you handle things.

Oh Dilly you poor thing

Just realised its you with the shitty soul and bloody awkward rellies - you really truly have got enough on your plate without this as well

No advice but I do hope this afternoon goes as well as it can

"All this drama seems to be because of me"

No, no, and thrice no! None of this is because of you. It is because of her. She has instigated all of this drama. You did everything in your power to forgive, forget and move on, which is much more than a lot of people would have felt they were able to do. I wouldn't have (somebody did try to steal my husband years ago and I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire even to this day).

You are blameless. Totally blameless. Do NOT feel bad here, you are obviously a lovely person, but she has brought this on herself. She is trying to steal your husband and clearly doesn't give a shit about what that would have meant for you and your innocent child if she had succeeded. If they sack her then please, please don't feel responsible. She has tried to wreck your life, both your marriage and now made your workplace an issue too. She sounds like an utter scumbag and not worthy of your kindness or sympathy. Whatever is going on in her private life does not give her the right to try to destroy somebody else's.

I know you don't want her fired but that would really be the best option. She sounds toxic

I remember your other thread and how generous, kind and thoughtful you are.

I can offer no advice, because I would go ballistic, probably end up losing my job - and you don't want this to happen! - her behaviour is outrageous and sooooo two-faced - so disloyal, so stupid, eurghhhhh. How dare she?

I guess I would ask not to work with her again. And explain clearly why. Don't protect her. She has thought nothing of you.

Op you are a totally and utterly decent person and so glad you and your dh came through this.

She's an utter bitch to do this and I hope she gets the sack. Nasty conniving cow.

Why don't you want her fired Op? This OW doesn't give a shit about you or your marriage I'd be fuming on so many levels.

I remember your original thread. Can't believe she has done this. Your reaction to the whole situation has been so mature and dignified. How very dare she. I'd be furious

I remember your first thread too. The OW is an utter arse of a human being. If I were her manager I would be sacking her for gross misconduct (inappropriate use of personal information, i.e. the phone number). I could not have someone like that working for me, if I had an option to legitimately remove them from the workplace.

She should be sacked - shameless woman - bad enough she tried to ruin your life once, but again!! Your DH should have blocked her immediately, but he is obviously polite - she obviously isn't and you need to stop feeling guilty. She deserves all she gets and you need to stop worrying about what can happen to her - she has caused all of this and much more.

She needs to go. The situation is untenable. It's not your fault. They wont move you i'd bet my life on it. Hope it all goes well this afternoon.

This is the very best way to handle it - all out in the open and everybody knowing what's going on. How bloody embarassing and degrading for her, for her bosses to be reading her deceitful slimy attempts to seduce another woman's husband! And she deserves that. I'd have smashed her face in.

I have to say it will be unpleasant for your DH to have to be there in the meeting in the role of Previously Unfaithful Husband Having The Other Woman Stiring Shit For Him Again'. Good for him for being up for it though.

What an utter bitch!

Good for you and your DH for reporting her, I hope it all goes well.

Remember if she does get fired, and I hope she does, it will be nobody's fault but her own.

I think you should be questioning why your H engaged with her at all. As a PP said, he is enjoying getting his ego stroked. I think you should also be far more worried about why he didn't tell you immediately and why some texts were deleted. Surely this level of deceit and secrecy is similar to the initial emotional affair? Your H has caused this, is this what you want from your life?

If I was the employer, i'd be asking, first of all, if this is any of my business, and the answer would be "yes" on two counts:-

1. The OW used the business to get your DH's phone number, and then set about harassing him. (No means no, whichever sex says it).
2. She has created a situation with you that makes working together untenable.

If the employer does not act on the first point, then they become culpable too.
WRT to point 2, I'd normally be looking for the two of you to sort it out between yourselves, with pressure from me to make sure it doesn't impact the atmosphere at work for everyone else. However, as its obvious that the OW has made it clear that she will not conduct herself in a professional manner, I'd be looking to create a solution that removes the OW from being able to have anything to do with you.

Whether the OW is getting divorced or not, really isn't the employer's business.

TBH I'd be looking for uncontestable grounds to sack her, or at least encourage her to leave. It would be difficult to have confidence in her going forward, and what if she starts pestering someone else in the future and it turns out the company knew she didn't understand "no" but had kept her in the job?

OP, you've got nothing to worry about wrt this situation..

Given the timing - that the ONS occurred after OP had had a miscarriage - I can understand completely why her DH didn't want to be stirring anything up again & presumably hoped that brief polite messages to OW, rather than being really blunt or blocking her, would prevent any trouble.

But also, given the timing - she was there when OP had this miscarriage, & deliberately chose these circumstances to try to revive any interest she hoped OP's DH might have? Appalling woman

& to you, OP. Hope this will be swiftly cleared up & put behind you

I think you have handled this perfectly. Only mistake DH made was not to block her number at the start when he realised it was her. I do understand why he didn't tell you at first.

Under the Protection from Harassment Act she HAS harassed him. He DID ask her not to text again, he didn't just say it was because you wouldn't like it. What she's done IS enough for the police to issue her with a PIN if he was to make a complaint (PIN = Police Information Notice, which is an informal warning that, if repeated, her behaviour might amount to a criminal offence under the Act and she may be arrested and prosecuted).

I think the best way of dealing with this is as you are, via work, and for neither of you to initiate/perpetuate any form of personal contact over it (ie don't text her yourself from your phone or his). Keep an open mind about DH going to the police to have a PIN served on her (you might mention this at the meeting, because it may make your managers take the situation more seriously and be more sympathetic to you) - by the sounds of this you don't need to step it up in this way as they are already hugely sympathetic.
This sort of behaviour is exactly the sort of thing a PIN is aimed at (low level harassing behaviour). There's lots of information about PINs if you google it.

The nursery need to get rid of her. What if she saw a dad picking up his child, took a shine to him, looked through the childs file, got the dads phone number and messaged him. She comes across as so unprofessional.

I remember your other thread.

How awful to be going through this.

I hope you get it resolved at work.

Some people really seem to struggle with grasping basic facts. The OP'S husband wasn't unfaithful - her boyfriend was, during a distressing and uncertain time for them both many years ago. They have since worked to get past that rocky patch in their relationship and have now committed to each other in marriage. Quite a strong one by the sounds of it. All the posters trying to paint OP'S DH as deceitful etc are being almost as disrespectful of their relationship as OW and seeing things through their own bitter filters rather than actually reading what OP has said!

Data protection is something that ALL businesses need to take seriously.

From the .GOV website on Data Protection - Information must be - used fairly and lawfully, used for limited, specifically stated purposes, used in a way that is adequate, relevant and not excessive

Top three points on the list, and (despite your dh's number being left in full view) by using this information - his phone number - in the way that she has - to try and instigate a rekindling of a relationship, NOT for the purpose for which you left his number and irrelevant to the reason you left it - the OW has breached the first three principles of the Data Protection Act.

How your employer should handle this of course down to them. However, at THE VERY LEAST they should be made very aware that she is handling confidential and potentially very sensitive information about children in her care EVERY DAY and breaches of ANY KIND can lead to SEVERE penalties for anyone involved, including big fines and even imprisonment for the owners/directors. If she thinks she can get away with 'simply' using information that you left to do what she has, then she is a HUGE liability to the company.

I remember you previous thread.
What an utter cow-bag she is.
That is so feckin' disrespectful to you it's untrue!
You are doing all the right things.

I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Hear hear Rosie

I hope the meeting was helpful.

Given all you've been through, you have been astonishingly dignified and professional. Your employers must recognise your professionalism. The OW has demonstrated either spectacularly poor judgement or incredible cruelty in attempting to rekindle the affair while your child is recovering from serious illness and you are recovering from a miscarriage.

And this drama hasn't been caused by you in any way - in fact, you've gone way above the call of duty to attempt to smooth over any potential problems.