OW contacting DH

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

Looks to me like your husband has done all the right things, except trying to protect you from the situation (but I can see why he wanted to, given the hard times you are going through). Get the crazy woman out of your life!

Maybe he thought he wouldn't need to block her because he told her not to contact him again and he didn't realise she was a stalker?

I would sack her - I wouldn't want someone who would do something like this working for me.

When he realised who it was he told her to stop contacting him.
He told her a second time to stop contacting him.
Then he ignored her.

He did absolutely fine.

Hope your ok, op.

Bloody hell OP it was 8 years ago then she's acting obsessed and needs to be stopped!

I would honestly tell work,let her be moved,lose her job whatever and if you think she knows where you live I'd be thinking about speaking to a solicitor and seeing if you can get an injunction against her,I had to get one against an ex of mine because he wouldn't leave me alone and started to affect mine and my DC's lifes in a really negative way!

I'm sorry you've all gone through so much,it's great that your on the same page though and your boss sounds really lovely.
I hope your boss moves her and that she leaves you all alone from now on

You have handled this with admirable dignity.

I would contact management and make a complaint she is completely unprofessional and she’s taking advantage of you and the situation

How awful for you, seriously, I know some time has passed but still.

She misused the availability of the phone number and didn't give a sh*t about you when she txt your DH so, sod her, inform management. She might be having a bad time at the moment but she shouldn't try to wreck yours again just to make herself feel better.

I feel weirdly proud of your DH for his replies, he made a (huge) mistake in the past but it's clear he's learnt his lesson.

You've been very dignified OP. Good luck at the meeting.

You were daft to leave his number there. Why did you? It's not normal to get your colleagues to call your partner if you're unavailable.

He should have told you and blocked her immediately. He didn't. He engaged with her further. You have no idea what he has said. HE is at fault there too. You've been here before....you know he's at fault too, you know you can't be certain about what's happened unless you see everything for yourself.

Are you 100% sure it's her if you left his number lying around the office for anyone to see when other staff know? You need to be certain before you say anything at work.

I'd be livid but tbh you've not helped youself here and he's showing he doesn't give a toss about the effects on you by hiding it and contiuinng to engage with her and deleting certain texts.

Your dh has not learnt his lesson. If he had he would have told you the second he knew who it was and he would have stopped replying at that point and ignored her.

I hope the meeting goes well, OP. You've handled this brilliantly.

If I were her employer, I'd have grave concerns that she would contact other children's dads to flirt with inappropriately.

Hugely detrimental to business. A childcare facility is one of trust, which she has shown is is undeserving of. She's barely in the door and using it as some sort of Tinder. I cannot see any employer wanting to risk their business with someone as inappropriate as that on staff.

I remember your other post. You've handled this amazing. I hope your meeting goes well and so sorry for your loss 🍫

After reading the thread, Dilly left her husbands phone number for her staff to contact HER (through him) as her phone was playing up.

I wish people would stop casting aspersions on OP's DH , he sounds like he handled this very well. OP has chosen to believe his version of events (as do most people on the thread including myself) so adding to the stress is probably not at all welcome.

I know this in AIBU, but OP did intend for it to go in Relationships after al.....

Discobabe why are you placing blame firmly at OP's door now??!!

of course it's normal to leave your partner's number for in an emergency.

OK her DH may have been a bit unwise to speak to OW but like he said he was trying to protect his wife (OP).

It is the OW who is 100% at fault here for finding the number and misusing it, it won't be hard to prove it's her number. And like other posters have said what if OW starts propostioning a dad whose child is at the nursery?

I'm being harsh I agree. Apologies op. Under the circumstances leaving his number lying around wasn't the most sensible thing to do. Op was off work and they shouldn't be bothering her anyway, there are several managers, someone else could have handled any issues or it could have waited. I'd have thought twice about doing it in the first place.

Ow is to blame however so is op dh for not immediately shutting it down and telling op. He's done this before, he knows how it works, he supposedly understands the effects, how easy it is to make a mistake etc etc yet here he is allowing the ow to continue texting him and hiding it. He could have made other choices he CHOSE not too despite knowing full well how it would look, despite having made these mistakes before and despite having supposedly learnt his lesson. He is not totally blameless here. Ow is neither here nor there simply because she will never change and will always be a cowbag . But if op dh had blocked her and reported straight away to op the situation wouldn't have continued. He knows this. He knew this the second she send a text after him telling her not too ( and if he REALLY understood the situation he wouldn't have replied at all after finding out who she was).

Discobabe as I am sure you're aware hindsight is a wonderful thing but OP rather naively as she know probably knows trusted OP.

I would never trust anyone let alone an OP and as a few posters have surmised I strongly think OW has got this job as a way to get close to OP's DH.

I agree with filing a complaint as an official breech of conduct. Even if she says "Well, it was out in plain sight" the fact that you wrote on it "if you need to contact me etc etc" negates her taking the number and using it for a personal contact with your DH. We would have been sacked if we had gotten someone's phone number that way, let alone continued to use it after being told (by OP's DH) to stop contacting.

I do agree that your DH should have immediately told you and blocked her number. But I think that's a judgment call on his part and a judgment call on your part as far as if you are satisfied with how he handled it.

I've just had a read of this thread and the other one - you sound like such a lovely woman and I'm so sorry that you've been having such an awful time!

I think the OW sounds stalky - 8 years is an awful long time for somebody to still be acting in the manner that she is. I sincerely hope she gets the sack, she seems to have a real lack of judgement and empathy

As far as I can see the OP's DH responded to an initial anonymous friendly text asking about their son's health. In a sick child situation it's quite common to have text questions and sympathy from friends and acquaintances and even people whose number you don't necessarily have. I don't think the husband did anything odd there.

OP's DH's response gave an update on the child and then asked who was texting. As soon as she replied it was OW, he asked her not to contact him again. She then followed it up.

The husband has had as little contact as possible with OW, whilst remaining just about polite. He only engaged in discussion of the child before he knew it was the OW.

For both OP and her DH it must seem like some deja vu nightmare. I think my DH would similarly try to protect me (temporarily) from the knowledge she was trying to make contact, because it is (1) a stressful time and (2) horribly reminiscent of the original situation, and he'd be worried what emotional effect it would have on you.

As the wife of a man who was somewhat immature when we were first together, 15 years ago, who has completely changed, I know that people make mistakes, and people change. The husband has acted decently this time.

He also replied to her once he knew who she was, he should have ignored, you always ignore ignore ignore. You learn this the the FIRST time around. ANY reply is contact as far as ow is concerned. It's the same as how any attention is better than none for toddlers. He hid it from op. He only came clean when found out. He SHOULD already know better than hiding the fact another woman was texting him inappropriately, yet alone ow, regardless of circumstances. If you want to go down that route there will always be one reason or another why they haven't told you yet and how they were just thinking of you.

We have just got back from the meeting. They're taking it very seriously and have asked her to come in tomorrow morning. I hadn't looked at it from this point of view, but DH is a parent of a child in the nursery. The owner said she appreciates the personal side and the affect its having on me but from a business point of view she has contacted a parent in an unprofessional manner. They couldn't really tell me what action they are going to take but she hinted that they're going to give her the opportunity to resign before investigating. It's so bad for the company though, her nursery is new and they may already be replacing the manager. I should be back in work in two weeks and said I can go between the two if necessary when they mentioned the possibility of her resigning. DS currently does part time hours in my nursery as there isn't space for full time but I was planning on moving him to the other nursery after Christmas to do extra hours. If she is still there that won't be the case.

Thank you to those who have backed DH up. Not telling me straight away wasn't the smartest thing to do, but it was the kindest thing to do on Monday when I had spent the night in a chair and after finally nodding off getting half an hour sleep waking up to find I was bleeding heavily again and needed to change my trousers and clean the chair. He has mine and DS's best interests at heart and really regrets his actions eight years ago. I certainly doubt he enjoys having his ego stroked by this woman, if he did I imagine he wouldn't have asked her to leave him alone or remind her how great I had been.

I do find it strange that she's acting like this eight years on. We spoke about it again after my last thread and DH gave me a few more details about what happened. Not to shift blame or anything but so that I was prepared for anything that might come up. He said that they kissed and it was her idea to go back to hers and at first DH said no because he knew that wasn't right and so decided to leave. It was then when she told him she was falling for him and had never felt like this before, I didn't appreciate him and was wrong for him and he deserved tone with someone who really loved him. We had had this huge fight and what she said made sense to him at the time and he liked hearing it. So she did really feel something for him and he messed with her. I can see why she would have been upset at the time and then maybe seeing me again brought it all up.

I'd like to think she had no idea who she'd be working with but what pp have said is starting to worry me.

Glad its being taken so seriously OP