OW contacting DH

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

[GettingMuckyFingersCrossed]

I remember your other post
Agree with Arfars advice
I really feel for you and your husband
She's a bitch

[Scrumptiousbears]

As your manager was told what had happened last time, I think I would actually explain that your colleague used information found at work to make a pass at your husband, and thus it is not possible for you to work with her anymore. Basically, I would try to get her the sack.

Totally this. I'd speak to her and tell her DH number was left for a specific reason and she took it and abused it. That your DH has told you everything. That you did the decent thing and let things go so you both could work there in reasonable harmony and now she has not only taken the piss but she's blatantly trying it on with DH again. Mention she's a sad desperate cow who has seriously fucked up.

Then tell manager.

Fuck it. Let me speak to her. Cheeky fucking bitch.

Don't feel sorry for her troubles. She shat on her husband. She made her bed and all that.

I'm fuming

[FatOldBag]

Report to HR. It's a disciplinary matter to take contact details from work and abuse them. They should also move her so you don't have to work with her, given that she's done this again. Send yourself screen grabs from his phone and show HR - the repeated texts after he's clearly told her not to contact again, plus the admission of where she got his number is enough for them to take this seriously.

[donajimena]

Read the thread THirdeye
Like the rest of us have

[Missrubyring]

As your manager was told what had happened last time, I think I would actually explain that your colleague used information found at work to make a pass at your husband, and thus it is not possible for you to work with her anymore. Basically, I would try to get her the sack.

100% this. I wouldn't be able to face this woman again and act professionally if this was me.
I also understand why your husband kept it from you but it seems like he was very honest about it when confronted.

[atticusclaw2]

Report it to HR and ask them to deal with it. Its entirely inappropriate for her to use that information for the purpose of texting your DH.

[DiscoMike]

Your DH needs to block her number and have a long hard think about why he hasn't already and you need to go back to your previously supportive manager to tell her that your co-worker went through your desk to get your DH's number and made a pass at him. And that might make things a little tough at work, what would she suggest?

Your DH needs to realise you have put up with his shitty sister and her stupid dogs and his awful behaviour - but your patience is not limitless and he needs to grow the fuck up. And then you need to have a think about whether he is worth it. Really, really think how much he is bringing to your life.

[EveOnline2016]

My gut reaction is to report her for misuse of data.

That phone number was left for emergency issues not for her to try and rekindle a relationship.

I know in reality it's not the morally right thing to do.

[StatisticallyChallenged]

You tried to be nice but she is taking the piss. I'd be going straight to management with this - iirc your original thread wasn't that long ago so she's not hung around, first opportunity and she's right in there.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I would absolutely, completely, utterly let your boss/manager know that she has done this. Show her or him the texts too if possible, so that OW cannot play it down by claiming she didn't send them or that they didn't say what you are alleging they said.

I remember your original thread and, honestly, you have been the grown up here, doing the best to make this awkward arrangement work. OW is the one who has made this situation unworkable. I would make sure your manager/boss knows this.

Also, from what you have described here, I would also be inclined to believe your DH. I can understand why he didn't tell you sooner - although that may not have been the right decision, as you were always going to find out at some point - but I can understand why he was trying not to cause you more upset at this time. He also made a mistake in not immediately telling her never to contact him again (well, he did, but was rather too polite about it!) and blocking her number. Apart from that, he seems to have handled it with some dignity.

[ThatGingerOne]

I agree with Queenofalllsee, you need to go to HR, explain she took the number from your desk left for emergencies and explain she used it for her own gain to use in her personal life to make a pass at your husband. Data protection act will come in here somewhere. I think trying to get her the sack is not a step too far.

[ThatGingerOne]

I agree with Queenofalllsee, you need to go to HR, explain she took the number from your desk left for emergencies and explain she used it for her own gain to use in her personal life to make a pass at your husband. Data protection act will come in here somewhere. I think trying to get her the sack is not a step too far.

[sillygoof]

I don't agree with a PP that the number was left publicly - it was left at work for work reasons only.

I'm so sorry that all this is happening to you. You're under so much stress, I can see why your husband didn't want to distress you with this.

I, too, would go to HR and make a complaint, as well as blocking her number. I'd be tempted to maybe text her from your own phone with a measured, calm message explaining that you know she's been texting him and that you would like her to stop, like he asked - although the danger is that she tries to get into a conversation about it with you, it's the last thing you need.

[Sonders]

What a nasty woman. I would be telling the higher-ups in your company though, she's clearly been entirely unprofessional and inappropriate by using an emergency number for something that clearly isn't an emergency.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I know in reality it's not the morally right thing to do.

In the OW's case, I wouldn't worry about that. She doesn't seem to have much consideration for the "morally right thing to do."

[Sonders]

....I really did not mean to quote Donald Trump there...

[MulberryBush12]

Speak to your line manager ASAP.

The OW is completely unprofessional to misappropriate that telephone number for personal purposes.

She is completely thick;demonstrating she's untrustworthy within a few months in a new job
Best wishes OP

[expatinscotland]

Why did he not block her?

[GinIsIn]

She has breached data protection by using work resources to get your husband's number. Considering you work in a nursery, that a massive potential safeguarding issue so you need to tell your manager. Take screenshots of the messages where she admits how she got his number and take them in to work asap

[DailyMailPenisPieces]

Escalate to your bosses. I wouldn't want her in charge of a nursery my child went to - she's dishonest, seems to have no impulse control and doesn't sound very stable.

I think you are a saint .

[ChicRock]

I'm baffled as to why you had to leave your DH number on your desk in the first place, and even more baffled as to why he didn't block her number after that first text as soon as he knew it was her.

You're going to have to speak to your manager about this but I'm not sure she'll be able to do much.

[FerretFred]

You don't owe her anything and you're right to be furious. I think your husband has been caught between a rock and a hard place as to whether he tells you or not.

I might get shot down for this however. She's going through a divorce and seems to be drinking quite a bit. Shes possibly not in a good place. Your husband needs to change his number after sending a clear message he's not interested.

Tell your boss, but unless you feel you can no longer work with her, say you don't want any further action taken.

[DillyDingDillyDong]

Thanks everyone. I will call up the owners later and tell them what has happened. I spoke to them about doing her review last week as I'm not sure if I'll be back in work for it and they said they'll hold off on doing it until I'm back so I can give feedback too. I don't quite fancy telling her how pleased we are with her knowing what she's done.

DH feels awful. He just came in and asked me what I want him to do to fix it. He knows he should have told me rather than finding out this way. I think him shouting through for me to check his phone shows that he can be trusted as he didn't think there was anything to hide.

I'm just really shocked that she's done this. What was she thinking???