OW contacting DH

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

Suspect the husband was mainly worried that he'll get dumped for having any contact with OW, even if she initiated it.

He sounds a bit rabbit-in-the-headlights. Agree, he needs to reply "I am not interested, leave me alone" - OW is not listening to "this will upset my wife".

Also, OW gets a job at your workplace? Well, that's odd enough to be a bit in Single White Female old film, gimmer

Hold on ... someone has accessed your personal information at work to obtain your DH's mobile number for their own dodgy reasons?!?!

Get that to fuck.

Speak to your bosses and get her sacked.

She's a cheeky desperate sad bastard.

Your man needs to be using the block function on his phone pronto. Questions need to be asked if he delays.

Good luck OP, you have more class and decorum than most people. Sometimes though, it is more than appropriate to lose your shit.

Yes, there's protection from being fired for protected characteristics (that's the little protection I mentioned ).

Sorry, I've been out for a walk with DS. I didn't expect this many replies! Thank you all for your brilliant advice.

I asked DH about making a complaint and then said they might not believe that he hasn't replied to things and just deleted them to which he asked if showing his phone records would help prove he only text the times shown in the messages. So at least that shows me he has nothing to hide about how many texts were actually sent back and forth, although I did believe him straight away. He's also said he wishes he was just blunt and told her to fuck off straight away but was trying to make sure nothing came back on me and it was all kept civil. His messages were really polite but still asked her to leave him alone.

I've called up the owner who I spoke to last time and she is really angry. I ended up crying on the phone to her. She wants to pop round to see me later and have a talk about what they're planning to do but I've told her that I don't want to talk about it at home and would rather keep it professional by doing everything in work with HR present. So I have to go to head office this afternoon with DH and a clingy DS who won't leave my side and talk it through. DH is going to email from his own account screenshots and a complaint. I am going to write a statement echoing what PP have said about lack of judgement, integrity and honesty and hopefully we will be able to take it from there. The owner has no idea about her personal life and when I mentioned the divorce she seemed quite shocked as she was only talking to her about Christmas last week and she mentioned buying her husband a present. So I don't even know of she is actually getting divorced or not. I can't even remember her telling me she had a husband come to think of it so who knows what's going on. She must have a lot on her mind to be acting this way and I am feeling sorry for her as it was DH who initially started this but she isn't completely blameless.

DH did say before that he is sorry this has come up,again and is left to me to deal with. He's blocked her number for now and is going to look in to changing it when all this other stuff with DS is over.

Pity her, but don't feel sorry for the cah.

Good luck this afternoon OP but please don't feel sorry for this nasty woman.

whatever is going on in her life divorce or not she has no rights at all to upset you or contact your DH in this way!

I can see w

Sorry. I can see why you pity her if your DH made all the running with her first (not read your first thread sorry) but you are not responsible for his behaviour or hers. I really hope your feelings don't track back to thinking you were in any way to blame because of the state of your marriage etc etc.
Your DH might have behaved badly but he didn't actually force her to behave as she did. She is responsible for her own actions.

Thanks for the update OP. I'm so pleased to hear everything you say re: DH making the complaint with you & being perfectly happy and willing to share his phone records.

Hopefully that will put any of the "did he or didn't he send more replies?" doubts to bed, once and for all.

Please don't feel sorry for her. You sound to be a thoroughly nice, decent person so that may be hard for you - but please remember that she is the one who has taken DH's number & made herself clearly "available" to him at this stage of your lives.

Whatever happened in the past happened & you have moved on from that - very successfully by the sounds of it. When you have all of this sorted out, and things have improved with DS, hopefully you will be able to take some comfort from the knowledge that DH showed no interest at all in a revisit with her - even when it was obviously being offered on a plate. As someone who is also trying to recover from my own H's affair, I know that there is always a slight "I think I know he'd never go there again, but how can I be sure?" niggling doubt somewhere in your mind.

I remember your original thread, you are a better woman than I. In fairness to your dh he probably hoped she'd take the hint and in his head he was trying to prevent further heartache given the situation with your ds and the miscarriage. He was wrong but I believe wrong for decent reasons.
I hope the meeting this afternoon is not too horrid, it sounds like the owner is sympathetic.
Everyone on this thread is rooting for you

Absolutely take this to your boss!!!!!!!!!! This is completely and utterly unacceptable.

It doesn't have to stand up in a tribunal as harassment. The OW will still be in a probationary period. It's highly likely that she has breached protocol and guidelines regarding use of emergency contact information.
The fact that the OW's behaviour has necessitated a new process being put in place for contact with Dilly means the OW's behaviour has already impacted on the company - not to mention the reputational damage if clients or other staff members were to discover the OW had misused contact details in this way.
The business owners will also be concerned about the dynamic between staff and about where OW's focus lies when she should be managing Dilly's setting in her absence.

Sorry Dilly I missed your update.
I hope the meeting goes well this afternoon. Try to put it behind you once you leave the meeting and trust the business owners to manage it appropriately. Then you can focus on yourself and your DS.

And just to add, you owe this horrible woman NOTHING. You did your best to be civil and professional to her despite everything, you gave her a chance, she has thrown it back in your face and is trying to lure your husband away AGAIN in return for your kindness. She does not deserve an ounce of sympathy from you. What a truly stupid, selfish and two faced woman she must be.

Stop being so nice and stand up for yourself (meant in the kindest possible way).

To sum up what happened up to this point, 8 years ago me and DH then my boyfriend if a year and a half moved in together. Everything was amazing. I had a miscarriage and things fell apart because neither of us handled it well. DH met another woman through a friend. I also met her and we got on really well as we had similar interests. DH began to have an emotional affair with her, talking about how unhappy he was and that he wasn't sure about us. He said he wanted things back the way they were but didn't think that could happen. They were flirty with each other and would suggest meeting but nothing would ever come from it. DH and I had a huge fighting night and the next day I text saying we needed to talk. He thought we were going to break up and didn't want to come home to that so stayed out drinking. He messaged ow and then they met and ended up going back to hers. First thing the next morning he was home. Told me everything. Showed me all the messages, apologised and said he had made a huge mistake and wanted me. She got in touch to apologise and wrote a letter weeks later. Since then we've got over it. He has completely changed and I know how much he loves me and DS. He hasn't let me down since. Not even over something tiny or stupid.

Ow applied for a job in my company and was hired. I made the owners aware when I realised who she was and then spoke to her about it all being in the last and about not letting one mistake eight years ago get in the way of a good career. We have worked quite closely and she was even in my setting the day I miscarried and has been in covering for me since.

I don't think she knew it was me who worked here. My name is the equivalent of John smith. It's really common.

I don't know what's going to happen later. I don't want them to sack her for this but I can't work with her. I'm worried they'll move me as I only started in April. All this drama seems to be because of me.

Don't take the blame here. None of this would be happening now if she hadn't used the number for bad reasons. It's on her.

No, the drama is because of her.

I think it's likely they will fire her.

She is obviously a pretty bad person to have done this.

I wanted to reply earlier but on phone and difficult to type.

1. I remember your first thread. You are handling this horrible situation amazingly well.
2. I don't think you have anything to worry about with your DH other than his slight fear of confrontation. I suspect he was trying not to anger/inflame her but has failed to really hammer his point home with OW.
3. Going through work is the right idea. Get her out of your lives for good.
4. New phone number ASAP.

Good luck with your meeting.

She sounds so unhinged op the fact she knew you had a mc and she went after him when you were absent, it's as if she's taken the opportunity to strike when you've all been at your lowest which is what she did before.

I'm glad you are having a meeting and hopefully she will be dealt with appropriately it makes me wonder what else she is lying about if she hasn't been truthful about the divorce.

OP, if I were your employer and had to choose between you and OW, I'd choose you.

You have this history yet acted graciously, told managers what they needed to know, and acted completely professionally regarding OW.

OTOH, OW has, at the first possible chance, taken your DH's number and made passes. The number had been left for professional reason, and she used it for private reasons. This, to me, demonstrates a lack of professionalism, a lack of judgement, and that she can't be trusted to act with propriety.

It's a no brainer.

I remember your thread from when she got the job, you have been nothing but professional towards her and your bosses right from day one.

This is entirely on her, she obtained your DH's number from work and used it inappropriately, she could have taken your lead and had a good professional relationship with you but she didn't, she blew it.

I would be thankful that she's shown her true colours this early on, it gives your bosses the opportunity to get rid whilst she's still on probation.

Oh dilly I remember your other thread. So sorry to hear about the miscarriage and I hope your ds is on the mend from his op.

So glad this is being taken seriously. I think ow will be sacked for this so she will be out of your lives for good soon. I also agree that your dp is being truthful and I can see why he didn't want to tell you straight away. I think he was only polite to her so you wouldn't get in trouble at work.