OW contacting DH

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

That's the beauty of asking the DH to make a complaint - it will flush out any lies he might still be telling.

He's repeatedly askign her not to contact him and she's acknowledgign the request and then ignoring it.
Isn't this harrassment?
Then there's the compassionate side of it, your DH has the same troubles as you. Any reasonable person would give him a break rather than startign to harrass him. Your DH should complain to your company owners as she obtained his number through her job and is using it inappropriately, and in a way likely to cause stress despite havign been asked to stop several times.

On a personal level - I'd change his number (if you can without making life more difficult at the moment) and send her reply (from you on his phone), asking her to stop.

My understanding is that the OW hasn't worked there for long so they may decide it is easier to get rid of her if she is causing trouble and behaving unprofessionally.

It's honestly not that easy to dismiss someone, even during a probationary period.

I'd let your manager know - with screenshots - and I might very unprofessionally let slip to the most gossipy colleague/parent that she stole personal details to make a pass at your husband and should be living under a rock.

If the DH's account is truthful, they could absolutely sack her for what she has done.

I'm not in HR so I don't know to what extent her using his number for something other than a professional matter is a serious offence. Those PP's saying it is, are you certain? And OP do you have an employee handbook or similar that you can look in?

I would be concerned that reporting her misappropriation of the number could blow up in your face by causing a lot of gossip. It also wouldn't be pleasant for you to have your bosses know that your husband had an affair. So if there is no likely obvious gain then I wouldn't report it.

I do think your DH should tell you any future contact immediately. He also shouldn't give an update on your child before asking who wants to know.

The single best thing he can do is ignore her messages, block her number and then change his own number if she finds ways around that.

Please don't be friendly to her in anyway in future. Icily civil is what you should go for.

I remember the original thread, you were so grown up about it all I am so sorry this horrible person can't respect your or your husband's wishes

I get that you're exhausted and run down but she really needs shutting down and despite your DH's best attempts she doesn't appear to be paying attention ... I vote for either going mental at her or going the official route as she took your DH's number from work for non work purposes.

I am certain that misusing contact information obtained through work is a serious matter.

The bosses already know about the affair.

If someone who worked for me pulled this, I would be looking to fire them.

DoinIt yes absolutely, me too.

But the only thing that's going to cut it with the nursery managers is an official complaint from the DH.

It'll be interesting to see if he does.

I'm so sorry. I thought you dealt with the whole horrible situation so well last time. But the OW has really crossed the line now and I really think you report this at work

I missed that the bosses know about the affair.

In the case there is nothing to be lost (and potentially something be to gained) by your DH making a complaint.

I know that when your child is ill it's hard to think logically and to make the time for dealing with stuff like this. But it could escalate and that would be worse.

Tell him to complain to the bosses.

I personally wouldn't contact her, but I would be telling work that she has taken a contact number that was left for emergency purposes and has been using it to harass your husband.

What a cow.

Dilly I remember your original thread. I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage and bereavements
You gave this woman the benefit of the doubt when she joined your company. You acted graciously and professionally. She has shown she has no respect or consideration for you, your DH, your family or tbh the company she has just joined. She is a bitch. Don't give her any pre-warning about what you are going to do as she will try to lie her way out of it.
Get your DH to block her number.
Contact the nursery owners. Tell them she has used emergency work contact details to personally harass your DH.
At a simple level, you need to tell work this as you need to explain why she can no longer use your emergency contact number.
I would then explain you consider the work relationship to have irretrievably broken down and that you question both her professionalism and her integrity since she misused that number in this way.
The time for being accommodating is way past. You need to be as firm as possible now. They need to sack her.

I recall your other post and I posted on it on the time and don't want to say I told you so but I guessed this might happen.

HR straight away. You cannot have this impacting on your future work/home life. if this means she is disciplined so be it. It is still early enough that they could use an excuse to get rid of her during her probation period.

by the way so sorry to hear re your miscarriage and bereavements take it easy.

Nothing to add to the great advice you've been given already. You are handling this with such dignity!

For those questioning whether the DP deleted texts that showed him in a bad light I'm sure if Op tells him she is reporting the incident he won't want her to if he said anything dodgy at all. Sounds like he just didn't want to upset his wife further

Oh if the worst comes to worst then be professional get your DH to make a complaint but ensure you reiterate how serious, hurtful this is to YOU as a valued employee and let them bring up the gross misconduct route. emphasise how you've tried to work with her despite your shared history etc... be the bigger more mature person in dealing with this because she as hell isn't.

emphasise how if this isn't sorted out how hard you'd find it to work with her in future, mention the 'work picnics' etc. hopefully they will sack her sorry arse.

I can understand why Dilly husband deleted the text and not said anything last week, from reading your other thread.

I hope your DS is recovering well and home from hospital now.

Perhaps you should get DH friend to warn her off like he did with your selfish SIL postings.

I think the best thing to do is to speak to your boss about her contacting your DH using the number you left emergencies for personal reasons, and yes I would tell that she was trying to get DH to have another affair with her.

I know you are a good person but remember you owe the OW no favors, she has bought this on herself by her own hand.

OP - as the other's have said she'd breached employee handbook/confidentiality rules by using an emergency number and slyly (from your desk) to contact your DH. if your DH had contacted her that'd be different.

bring it down to workplace HR rules now. then add in the affair stuff because it is relevant as the cow is trying to restart it! can't believe her cheek!

^^ what aplace says.
I'm really upset for you- I remember the original thread, and how gracious you were

I would take a screenshot of the conversation, and email your HR and managing director and make a formal compliant - that she took your husbands number in a professional work setting, when you have tried your best to work with her, and used your absence to send highly inappropriate messages

alternatively I would wait for her by her car, as twilight falls and kick the living shit out of her!

OR, ignore me and take some of the better advice

but don't let her do this, don't. she needs fucking telling

Seems like you dh has tried his best to protect you from more hurt but it's nearly always better to tell everything immediately.

OP I remember your last thread and thought you were being mature and gracious in how you handled the situation. So sorry to hear you now have so many difficult things to be dealing with/have had to deal with since your last thread

As others have stated I think your DP should change his phone number and you should explain to the owners what has happened about the OW using internal information to make contact, providing them & your number 2 with his new phone number and explaining it has not to be shared to anyone else under any circumstances.

As for the OW your husband had made it clear to her he is not interested so I think he should continue to ignore it. I also think you should not engage with her privately about this matter and keep it professional, leaving it for the owners to deal with. Thinking of you and good luck

It's honestly not that easy to dismiss someone, even during a probationary period.

Many private sector companies don't seem to have much trouble dismissing people. It's not as if new employees can claim for unfair dismissal.

I'm not an expert in employment law. But you can't fire an employee for having a consensual sexual relationship in their own time. Nor can you for texting another adult in their own time .

The conversation with the OPs DH is hardly harassment. He thanked her for her good wishes, gave information about his child, expressed his condolences on her divorce and her problems.

It was completely cordial until he asked her not to text again . Not because he didn't want the hear from her but because it might upset his wife . Note the problem here is not the OWs or the husband's behaviour but the wife's feelings .

After he asked her to stop texting she sent three polite and apologetic emails. Nothing abusive or threatening in any way .

That is not going to stand up in a tribunal as Harassment.

She was wrong to take the information from a colleagues desk but its hardly a sackable office . She didn't use it to defraud anyone, it wasn't CONFIDENTIAL ( on a post it on a desk ) , the company didn't lose business, it didn't breach child protection guidleline or client confidentiality.

It depends on the conditions of her contract but it might at a guess deserve a written warning.

the Op will suffer a lot of stress if this happes. I'd like to know what the cheating husband is doing to clean up the mess he has created .