OW contacting DH

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

Your DH was foolish in entering into any kind of text conversation with her whatsoever, total radio silence to her, telling you she'd texted him and then changing his number would have been the best course of action.

But we're not all perfect. Your DH's responses show that he has rebuffed her advances at least.

I think he should know now that any kind of response even if it's a "don't text me again" is taken as encouragement. The only thing that gets the message across is complete ignoring and probably a number change straight away. Nothing says "don't text me again" like a zero response.

He needs to change his number if he hasn't already.

to you for handling it. I would be fucking mad. But... as your work life is connected to this OW, you need a cool head. Don't let her spoil anything for you at work as well by reacting in a total human an infuriated manner. Whatever you do or don't say about it at work, make sure you are calm and professional.

Your husband has said the right things back to her, although he should have come straight to you when she first texted. I don't think you've got a problem there.

This ow sounds awful. I agree you need to report her to your management and say how uncomfortabke you are now working with her. Say you put up with it until she started contacting your husband again.

Oh yes I agree - let your managers see her texts

I'd tell your boss!She has know right at all to use a number you'd left for emergencys when it has sod all to do with work and the fact that she's harrasing your DH wouldn't go down well with your work surely!

I'd want to know if it was me why the hell my DH hadn't blocked her number as soon as he knew who it was and why the hell we would talk about your son and what was going if he didn't know who it was.That I wouldn't be able to believe and I would be going nuclear.

Interesting to read the responses. I agree with not speaking to her directly, getting DH to block her number (I am so pleased to read the responses that he sent her) and speaking to HR. Ideally to get her relocated to another nursery.

OP I've just tried to find your other thread and while I was looking, noticed that you've given a away quite a few personal details in other posts such as where you live. You might want to get them deleted in case this makes the Daily Mail.

no and he would sorry no sleep last night.

Wow she's seriously abused her position at work. Cheeky bitch! I'd also get the police to warn her for harassment, change the number and report her at work.

I think your husband should call the nursery owners and tell them that their employee has obtained his personal information from their professional setting and has used it to harass him.

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Although I would really want to see the texts from Friday.

Why did he just delete those but kept all the ones that show him in a good light?

Agree with all the PP about misuse of data - report her to the manager especially in a probationary period, I think you might not want to contribute to her leaving collection

Firstly I think you need to contact your managers and explain that your emergency contact number at work was used inappropriately by the ow who is trying to engage your husband in a relationship. Show them the messages and ask that she is moved. Say that you cannot work with her.

I don't know how you managed to work with her until now anyway - you must have found that incredibly difficult.

She isn't your priority right now so leave it with management in your work to deal with and concentrate on your family.

I would tel DH to get a new number too as she clearly can't be trusted.

I think you are right in that if your husband was trying to be deceitful, he wouldn't have said to check his phone, and while clearly a mistake, I also understand why he didn't tell you.

It doesn't sound like you will, but I also agree that it is best not to challenge her directly. Just collect all the evidence (screen shots, or if his phone is like mine and can't cope with that, take a photo of the screen), and talk to HR/the owners/your manager, as this is massively inappropriate behaviour.

I also want to say how impressed I am (and how patronising I sound...) with how well you have handled everything that is going on in your life, and I hope everything that can be resolved is resolved swiftly.

This is the other thread on this topic for those wondering:

I have no idea what to do about this. I didn't even know where to post it. It's a long one, sorry.

When DH and I had been together for about two years he cheated on me. Not making any excuses for him but it was a pretty crap time in our relationship. We moved in together after a year and a few months in I found out I was pregnant and then miscarried. Neither of us handled it well which led to arguments and we both knew that it was going to have to end. We had a fight on a Thursday night and I text him on the Friday saying that we needed to have a real talk that night. He ended up staying out after work and going home with a girl who he'd been messaging for a few months.

The next morning he came home and to,d me everything. How he'd met her through our friend and they'd started messaging and he liked the attention, it was just harmless talking which led to flirting which eventually led to sex. He realised that us talking meant that we were breaking up and didn't know how to feel about it. Whilst out he text her to see if she was and she replied saying she was in a bar near him. He asked if he could come and see her and the texts from both were a bit reluctant as if they both knew that if they met up something would happen. He showed me the messages from the months before and told me he realised what a mistake it was. It was horrible seeing what he'd said, but strange because I realised that she and I were very similar. Both worked in the same field, same interests, sense of humour, even the way we spoke to him. She knew about me, we'd even met before and got along really well and knew that we'd been having problems and she had been giving him advice and things. He was never nasty about me but said that he was unhappy and couldn't understand why when everything had been so great before the miscarriage.

He told her it was over and she called him up and asked to speak to me. She apologised over and over and told me she would stay away from him. I even got a letter off her a month later saying how hard it was. For her to not talk to him everyday and how for her it had been more than sex but she realised that he loved me and the morning after could tell he hated himself for what he'd done. After a lot of work and some space I forgave him and everything has been put behind us. Now we're married and have a DS and I completely trust him and know he wouldn't do it again. We've had miscarriages since whilst ttc and both handled them much better.

I'm a nursery manager, the owners have recently bought a new setting. They interviewed this week and have found a manager, deputy and some other staff. The plan is that the manager comes and shadows me for a month while the nursery is getting decorated and ready. I wasn't able to meet anyone interviewed as this week has been hectic but the owner came and told me about the ones they'd hired and showed me their CV's.

I'm sure you know where this is going. The new manager is OW. I recognised the name and a quick Facebook stalk (I know I shouldn't have) showed that the places she'd listed as working in on her profile match the cv. I didn't say anything to the owner at the time and I've not said anything to DH. She is supposed to start the week after next. I don't know if I should send her an email to welcome her and see if she picks up on the name. Or just wait until she walks in and deal with it then. I don't know what to tell DH. I haven't thought about her in years, now I'm getting all these feelings that I had at the time back again and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not mad at her anymore or DH. I could ask about her going to another nursery but I'm going to have to see her in meetings and I'm the closest to her nursery. The next closest is a 45 minute drive away and it's unfair to ask her to do that.

Not sure if anyone can give me any advice from experience or just what they think they'd do in this situation. If anyone can offer anything to help I'd really appreciate it. DH has already asked me if I'm ok as I seem quiet. We're meant to be having a date night tonight and can't have this ruin it.

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I even got a letter off her a month later saying how hard it was. For her to not talk to him everyday and how for her it had been more than sex

she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing

she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together.

Is why she needs to go completely.

There's something wrong with her, OP. Don't confront her yourself as she's coming across as someone with no scruples at all. Show management/HR screenshots and calmly try and get the bitch the sack.

Although I would really want to see the texts from Friday.

Why did he just delete those but kept all the ones that show him in a good light?

I also wondered about this at first, but as the texts from before Friday match up to this morning's text I dismissed it as anything suspicious. Had DH replied in any manner other than the one in which he has replied previously, her text this morning would have been very different. And I very much doubt he'd have asked OP to check his phone for him!

Nah I'd be wanting a look at his phone bill from Friday night to see just how many texts were sent between them before she did or said whatever it was that required an apology.

Yep, me too ChicRock.

I don't think shifting the emphasis here to Dilly's DH is very helpful.

Whilst I agree it would have been better for him to show her the texts straight away, his actions (confirmed by the texts she has seen) suggest a motivation of trying to deal with the problem so as not to further upset Dilly.

He's repeatedly told her not to contact him and then ignored her.

The issue here is the totally inappropriate behaviour of the OW in sending the texts in the first place and then sending increasingly emotionally charged messages when specifically asked not to do so.

I don't think you can discuss it without discussing with DH behaviour. The OW isn't married to the OP, she doesn't owe her anything.

Let's face it, he caused this by shagging her in the first place .HE need sort this out but yet again, it's become the OPs problem to fix.

I remember your other op as well and how mature you were about it .
What she is doing is HORRIBLE , and selfish and you are a better woman than me as I think I would have slapped her face Note , I am not violent but the last few texts, she is taking the piss OP

Also, as others have said , can your DH not get a new mobile number OP?

I think Dilly needs to be very careful that she's in receipt of all the facts before she takes up some of these suggestions - like going to her manager with screenshots - of half a conversation.

All the manager can and should deal with, is the probability that the OW got the husband's number from a post it note on the desk and unless the husband wants to make a formal complaint the OW will likely get a bit of an informal telling off, OP will get told not to leave personal info lying around where anyone can access it and that'll be the end of it as far as the manager is concerned.

The fucking gloves would be off for me.

All the manager can and should deal with, is the probability that the OW got the husband's number from a post it note on the desk and unless the husband wants to make a formal complaint the OW will likely get a bit of an informal telling off, OP will get told not to leave personal info lying around where anyone can access it and that'll be the end of it as far as the manager is concerned.

Maybe but maybe not. My understanding is that the OW hasn't worked there for long so they may decide it is easier to get rid of her if she is causing trouble and behaving unprofessionally.

I remember the first thread- you were so thoughtful and mature, clearly qualities not shared by this ghastly woman.
You and work need to come down on her like a ton of bricks. Drunken texting a colleague's husband after hours using an emergency number- how many breaches of trust is in that alone? I wouldn't want her looking after my DC.