OW contacting DH

[DillyDingDillyDong]

I posted a short while ago about DH sleeping with another woman years ago. It was resolved and almost forgotten about but then my company hired her and I have been working with her.

Recently I have had a bit of a rubbish time. I had a miscarriage, a couple of family bereavements, a fall out with a friend and DS has just had a huge operation which has brought a whole load of new problems with family.

Anyway, I have needed to be off work for a while. I'm a nursery manager and ow manages another nursery in the company but we're paired together for various reasons. She has been coming in to my setting to help out with the management side of things although my deputy and third in charge have most of it handled. I left DH's number on a post it on my desk saying to call him if it was an emergency and they couldn't get me.

DH's phone went off this morning while he was in the shower. I shouted through to him and he asked me to check it in case it was work. It was an unsaved number and the text said "Hope everything is ok with you guys. Sorry for what I sent on Friday, I was a bit drunk and stupid." I went in to the bathroom and told him and asked who it was. He then turned the water off and got out looking very serious and he said that he was sorry and didn't want me to find out yet. So I got a bit panicky and thought the worst. I hadn't opened the phone I'd just seen the message on the locked screen so at this point I did. I went to the messages and there wasn't one there from Friday but a few from last week.

The first said "Hi, hope you don't mind me texting you. Just wanted to check on DS and send you all my love." DH replied saying thanks, gave an update on DS and asked who it was. The reply came saying it was OW. DH then replied saying he wasn't too sure how she got his number and appreciated the nice ,message but would prefer it if she didn't contact him again.

She replied again saying it was on the post it and she felt like she couldn't resist texting, and that she was divorcing her husband having a really rough time and it was a moment of madness. She apologised and said she realised it was stupid but she could use a friendly face. DH replied again saying he was sorry to hear it but we had our own stuff going on and how unfair she's being to me who has handled our recent work situation so well. He said that he didn't want to upset me with so much going on and asked her again to not contact him.

There was nothing for a couple of days and then she text on Thursday saying she was sorry for contacting him in the first place and now she can't stop thinking about him and all these feelings were resurfacing. He didn't reply and she sent another one saying his stupid she is. He didn't reply and she said she gets the message and that I'm so lucky to have him.

DH has just told me that she text again on Friday night saying she missed him and wishes they would have had a chance of being together and she still thinks about him and the night they were together. He deleted it straight away and said you could tell she had been drinking because of the way it was typed and some of the words were spelt wrong. He didn't tell me because we've had so much stuff to deal with and he wanted to wait but admitted he wasn't sure if he was ever actually going to say anything because of the implications with work and it bringing up old feelings and memories for me.

I believe DH and understand why he didn't tell me. I don't know what to do about OW. She's clearly having a rough time but so am I and it doesn't give her the right to try and start things up with my husband especially after I've been so nice to her. Should I contact her or just leave it to DH to ignore her? I know some of you might think I should be suspicious that he deleted the text from Friday but I honestly believe him. We've come a very long way since this happened and he's a completely different person to who he was then, and so am I. And I know circumstances last time were different as we were fighting and probably going to break up but now are so strong and have DS.

I don't even know if I'm angry or upset or anything else because I've felt a million and one things over this past month! I'm just sat in the bath hoping for some good advice off mumsnet!

As your manager was told what had happened last time, I think I would actually explain that your colleague used information found at work to make a pass at your husband, and thus it is not possible for you to work with her anymore. Basically, I would try to get her the sack.

This.

WOW - i remember your original thread. WHAT AN UTTER BITCH SHE IS!

Id be making sure she knows that you know!! and let her stew. Act upon it with HR like previous people have said. HOW DARE SHE!

hugs to you all, you sound drained x

What was she thinking OP?

She was thinking that she wanted to fuck your husband. I'm actually really angry on your behalf!

I would certainly speak to your manager/HR about it. She has behaved extremely unprofessionally and made it impossible for you to work together. I wouldn't speak to her directly as there is a danger that it would then look like an argument between the two of you and you want to make sure that you are perceived as totally professional and blameless (which you are, obviously)

I would have that bitches job!

I would message her, go straight to your boss/HR, she is surely still on probation as your thread didn't seem that long ago? They wwon' want this hassle either and fuck her she deserves to sit at home jobless and think about what she has done.

I know you covered it though but it's totally suss some were deleted and some weren't, I'd be checking his phone bill for the Friday night

Tell your boss you will never be working with her again. Have nothing to do with her. Block her number.

I think your husband should call the nursery owners and tell them that their employee has obtained his personal information from their professional setting and has used it to harass him.

Not message her sorry ^ do not message her

I remember your thread. You're a very classy and generous woman.

However, she's taking advantage of your kindness and now is the time for her to face the consequences of her actions. You're doing the right thing by talking to the owners.

Does your ds go to your nursery?

What a fucking COWBAG.

He told her he wasn't interested and she just kept on texting!

And she'll keep on texting now she has his number! Every time she's pissed.....

This could go on for weeks!

I know you're exhausted and this is the last thing you have the energy for. I think you should text/email your manager first - it may be less draining to just have to write it rather than have a big heavy conversation.

"You may recall my concerns about X. I have endeavoured to be professional and helpful, mindful of our responsibilities to the clients. However last week she came across a contact number for my husband I had left as an emergency contact on your desk. She took it, according to her own admission, and has been sending uninvited and inappropriate texts to him ever since, which has caused us great distress. I'd like to ask your advice in how to tackle this?"

Sorry should have explained, my phone is faulty and sometimes I don't get calls through on it and see missed call hours later. I need to send it off but I just haven't got round to it. I left the number more for my staff to use if they needed something and the area manager was out. I would have hoped another manager could deal with something if they were on site.

I don't know why he didn't block it straight away. I don't think he wanted to start talking to her again or anything.

I remember your original thread you wipers very mature and professional and amazing in how you handled it. If I remember you had let your boss know the situation I think all y
U csn do now is update them and change your dhs number.

In fact, he should email them so there's a trail.

I'm baffled why your husband gave out information about your child AND THEN asked who the person was. And why he encouraged the conversation which went on for a week and was more than a dozen texts rather than blocking.

And I'd do what everyone else said about complaining to your manager .

I think your husband should call the nursery owners and tell them that their employee has obtained his personal information from their professional setting and has used it to harass him.

I think Inertia has it. I would do this.

X posted.

Naturally you will NOT be doing her review!!!!

Using information provided strictly for work, in a personal capacity is actually quite serious.

The fact in this case that the situation is delicate to start with very much calls into question her trustworthiness and ability to use information appropriately.

If she is quite new to the role, it's likely she is still on probation.

Given you husband has repeatedly asked her not to contact him, then she is now well into the realms of harassment.

You need to speak with the owners and clearly articulate the fact she has mis-appropriated confidential information for personal gain and is now harassing your husband.

I am so sorry op. This is awful.

Don't confront her. Deal with it through work.

Tell your husband to text her back "This is completely inappropriate. I've told you more than once to stop contacting me. I've told my wife, screenshotted these messages, and she'll be referring this to your manager on Monday. I'm blocking you now. Do not try to get hold of me in any other way."

With luck she'll hand in her resignation to avoid being fired when HR finds out about it, and then she'll have to ensure a couple of brutally uncomfortable weeks before her notice is up.

Wow. Firstly can I just say that I think you're an incredible human being. You've dealt with this with such grace, elegance and dignity. Your own feelings are beyond hurt, yet you still have the time to be compassionate to the OW. You're a rare, wonderful person.

Secondly, I would get your DH to arrange to meet her for a coffee and be sitting in a cafe 10 minutes before she arrives. Then, once she is there, you walk through the door. Be really lovely to her, but make it clear, together, that hell will freeze over before she has another chance with your DH and that you have a marriage now where you both have utter transparency with one another. So any message to one will be shared with both. The whole thing should be gently assertive, not aggressive and should draw a boundary that can never be crossed by her again.

OP, I remember your other thread. Please advice management in a very matter of the fact non emotional way. What she has done shows a very very clear lack of judgement (use those words) and is unprofessional, unethical and would raise serious concern over her ability to lead staff and be ultimately responsible for the children at nursery. Her clear lack of judgement could not only cause friction with other member of staff (and parents) at nursery but there is also a strong risk of reputable damage or risk to the nursery itself. Use all these words when speaking with management. It shows that you are not doing this for emotional personal reasons (although of course you are) but that all the way through you have acted with the utmost professionalism, integrity, and with the nursery's best interest at heart.

This will give you the results that you need.

Now having said all that this is the first time I am finding it hard not to swear on a thread. I am livid on your behalf. Stop being nice and understanding of her. Right now. She has seriously no right to do what she has.
Sending flowers, hugs and wine your way. You seem lovely (as does your husband actually, I would believe him as well).

Gross misconduct comes to mind. Someone where I work got hold of an employees home number (they had access as work in HR Dept) but they called on personal reasons, the employee reported them for using the number and they got sacked for Gross misconduct...its a serious thing OW has done, I dont think she realises the consequences of her actions. To be honest if she got the sack it would solve a lot of your issues, no one should have to live their life like this, working with the OW just sounds awful and why would she even do that..what was she thinking applying to work there! be careful Op x

I've just been thinking about this a bit further and think it is essential that your Manager sees the texts. Otherwise, not only can OW minimise the contents of her texts, she can also make out that the emotions/feelings were mutual between her & DH.