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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No children at destination wedding

540 replies

RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 08:55

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

OP posts:

Swappedatbirth · 09/11/2016 05:54

I'd be very careful because with such a strict no child/expensive policy you are effectively inviting people in a non-even handed way. You may end up with a situation where the only people you have in Mexico are childless, old, wealthy or all three. Imagine the scenario of getting married only in front of a handful of people, none of whom will be your very closest friends and family? And then the ones that can't afford it or can't or don't want to leave their children will definitely resent you for putting them in the situation where they feel bad for not attending. Personally I think children are the heart of a good wedding.

Bummymummy77 · 09/11/2016 06:35

Jem - I thought all of those cases in Spain were people that contracted it abroad?

Rowenag · 09/11/2016 06:43

I was a bridesmaid at good friend's wedding in Hawaii and I took my 3 year old who they kindly made a flower girl. They don't have kids and there were only 2 other children at the wedding but they wanted us to be there so they included our off spring in every part of the day. If they had banned my daughter from the ceremony, I wouldn't have gone. I would not have put her in childcare with someone she didn't know, even for an hour or two, in a foreign country. I think you should talk to your family before you send out the invitations as this is your niece / nephew you are thinking about excluding and I would be insulted if you were my sister. I would have thought having your nearest and dearest at your wedding is a big part of it and surely that then includes your niece and nephew? Sounds like your husband to be is being a bit stubborn and inflexible? If people are prepared to spend all that money to attend because they care about you, I think you should also consider them and their feelings too.

Original poster

RubyRed6878 · 09/11/2016 06:43

Thanks again for everyone's opinion. For those that haven't seen - we are reconsidering childcare, location etc. based on some very valid points raised by MNetters.
Have to admit I have laughed out loud at some people's assumptions such as "ops getting married in a standard Mexican hotel" am I?!?! Ok. Thanks for letting me know.
Also for those saying I don't give a toss about my new nephew. The parents have often insisted on letting them make as much noise as they like in very quiet situations. They have previous form for letting their darling child scream and run around on the basis that "people don't mind" but people do mind - we've seen them complain afterwards. There would be one other young child but we have no concerns about them...we were purely sounding out an idea on the basis of this. Which I reiterate, we are reconsidering on a number of levels. Thank you all for your thoughts.

OP posts:

rubybleu · 09/11/2016 06:48

My SIL & BIL flew 26 hours to attend my wedding. My SIL pulled out the "oh no, they love weddings" when I offered to arrange a sitter in our hotel room for her 2.5 year old. The 6mo was too little for a sitter.

Both kids started crying a minute into the ceremony and my BIL missed the entire ceremony, whilst my SIL missed all but the vows. 26 hours flying to not even see the wedding!

Unfortunately you cannot ask them to leave their children at home without causing a serious rift (don't do this), but I'm still that my husband's only sibling missed his wedding because they couldn't forecast the reasonable assumption that a 0.5 and 2.5 year old might be disruptive in a small ceremony.

NicknameUsed · 09/11/2016 06:58

Ruby Although I have been negative about child free weddings I do really get why you want your nephew to keep quiet. It is about the parents rather than the child though.

You need to make it perfectly clear to the parents that you won't tolerate his screaming at your wedding ceremony. Also, get whoever is conducting the ceremony on board and ask them to halt proceedings if the child is being too intrusive.

Surely he doesn't scream all the time? If so, make sure you are on a different flight .

Also, perhaps by next year he will be older and less disruptive.

Original poster

RubyRed6878 · 09/11/2016 07:30

It's less screaming more "awww he learns through play -smashing things to pieceswe're encouraging him to be individual to grab whatever he wants despite other children playing aww he's talking to you he's yelling at the top of his voice and being disruptive--"
any other time, fine...your kid, your choice. this time, no thank you, it's our wedding.
Equally before, they've agreed they'd remove said child from a similar occasion should they be disruptive...did they? No. They insisted DC wasnt being "disruptive enough to warrant removal"

OP posts:

user1474815709 · 09/11/2016 07:32

I struggle to understand what is it that you want. You say you're inviting 100 because you want your loved ones to be included in your destination wedding as well as uk, but also say you want your vows in peace, without some of your loved ones who have children. Then why don't you do a one-to-one beach wedding and say your vows to each other privately? Also people invited are not obliged to come? So why the invite? If you're not tossed whether they come or not why are you inviting, just for the sake of it and to announce/show off you're doing two weddings?? You won't understand this until you have children but I'm guessing you're not interested in having children? There isn't many who will leave their under 5s for a few hours with strangers unless you do your homework and prove is a reputable childcare or kids club, it's not even that, but also the psychology of a 2 yr old is not as easy as to leave them here and there for a few hours. It takes days for them to get used to a new nanny or teachers/school... and yes some may be able to leave the kid behind to the grandparents, but that would ideally be only 2-3hour plane journey away rather than across the world, and I imagine one grandparent couple will also be attending. The only option is, instead of saying no children wedding, maybe put a note of what you really want in reasonable terms... And face the consequences! unbelievable. I'm going to pay all that money to come your wedding and then get told I can't be present at the actual ceremony and on top of that find out my presence wasn't necessary, spoilt brats!

KlingybunFistelvase · 09/11/2016 07:50

I think you are being a bit U about the children OP. You don't sound very kind hearted towards them. Slagging off toddlers isn't terribly bridal dontcha know ! That said, I get it. I'm not that into noisy toddlers either despite having one of my own. Before we had children I might have thought the same things as you (not to pull the "if you don't have children..." card - in this case I think you might be a bit more understanding if you either had children or really loved children including your STBN).

Anyway though, as I said earlier, some people will silently think you're a twat for even inviting them, but I'm sure they will be in the minority's if you word the invite well. And do you really mind if they think that? Maybe not, in which case, meh! People need to learn to say no to these invites. My DH made us go to a destination wedding recently and it was so shit. Yes the b&g had a lovely day and it was a beautiful setting, but we had the most stressful time there and half the guests were miserably hot at the outdoor ceremony followed by outdoor, very drawn out drinks reception (Irish guests in a hot country). Some of the guests didn't even make it to dinner as they had to get out of the heat! Even after sunset it was really, really hot there.

I digress, but my point is, why did we say yes to the invite? We rarely travel abroad with the aforementioned noisy toddler as it is, so why on earth did my DH insist we go and spend the whole day with her waiting around in the blazing while a couple we really don't even know all that well signed a contract and had a zillion photos taken of themselves? I've learnt my lesson and will be saying a big fat no to any similar invites in future. I don't blame the couple - it's DH's our fault we accepted the invitation against our better judgement.

Headofthehive55 · 09/11/2016 07:52

By the same token, I would, and have, if asked, said oh I don't mind, what lovely idea to family members when they have said they are getting married abroad.
The minute they are not within earshot - our true feeling are spoken to each other. No, too expensive, how awful to expect us to use precious holiday.

PurpleDaisies · 09/11/2016 07:54

Before we had children I might have thought the same things as you (not to pull the "if you don't have children..." card - in this case I think you might be a bit more understanding if you either had children or really loved children including your STBN).

How are you not pulling the "if you don't have children" card? Many parents choose child free weddings (limiting children to their own). Many parents on here defend the right of the couple not to invite children. It's pretty low to suggest that the op doesn't really love her niece.

KlingybunFistelvase · 09/11/2016 08:00

Sorry I probably should have said "were a baby / child person" rather than "love children". I'm sure the OP loves her niece.

I was trying to defend the op tbf, but was a bit clumsy in doing so. I don't have a problem with childfree weddings at all, but I would have a problem with a child free destination wedding personally. Or I wouldn't have a problem in that I just wouldn't go. If it was my sister getting married I'd find it hurtful that it was being made as difficult as possible for me to attend and that my DC couldn't come either. She prefers the company of my DC to me though so don't think that would happen!

KlingybunFistelvase · 09/11/2016 08:04

You know how some people say "I just love children" meaning they are 'baby / child people' (I think). I would never say I just love children but obviously I love the ones in my own family. Hope that makes sense .

Daisies123 · 09/11/2016 08:08

There were 15 under-5s at my wedding! Weddings are about the start of a new family so why would I have excluded my friends' and relatives' children?
Honestly, once you're in the wedding bubble saying your vows all you'll be aware of is your partner and the celebrant. I had one Mum apologise afterwards for the noise her child made during the service and I honestly hadn't been aware of it at all.

RasperryInAMelon · 09/11/2016 08:11

YABU...

I think if you're going to say no kids to the day, you should just be saying no kids at all.

Some may choose not to come on this basis, but I wouldn't be happy putting my kids into childcare facilities before checking it out personally and it's also age dependant at different hotels.

I understand you're not saying people have to come, but I don't think it's fair to put that on people. I think with a destination wedding unless you're opening it up to everyone, kids included - perhaps you should keep it to immediate family and bridal party. Make it fun and include your nephew in your wedding. He's your family for goodness sake!

Tell your DH to stop being such a miso and remember that it's a day to be enjoyed by all.

RasperryInAMelon · 09/11/2016 08:11

YABU...

I think if you're going to say no kids to the day, you should just be saying no kids at all.

Some may choose not to come on this basis, but I wouldn't be happy putting my kids into childcare facilities before checking it out personally and it's also age dependant at different hotels.

Tell your DH to stop being such a miso and remember that it's a day to be enjoyed by all.

Headofthehive55 · 09/11/2016 08:51

I grew up around young children. I understood them. My oldest child is now an adult but we have a small one still. It's interesting that whilst she is inherently comfortable around children, her friends see them as alien creatures I think. Possibly "to be removed" if inconvienent. It does show you how isolated from other generations we have become as a society.

nooka · 09/11/2016 09:17

RubyRed if that's your BILs viewpoint then it's very unlikely he'd use childcare in any case so I think it's a bit moot. If you want to have a wedding without his children there you will most likely need to exclude his family. I can't imagine how you do that without a lot of upset given that the BIL has already said he'd be prepared to shell out $$$ to be there for his brother.

Have to admit I don't really get the appeal of a boozy wedding in Mexico. Where I live Mexico is the no1 charter holiday option, somewhere people stay in all inclusive resorts where they hang out by the pool/beach and get drunk. Sounds quite grim to me. Still I guess the same is true for parts of Spain but there are plenty of unspoiled place too of course.

CartwheelGirl · 09/11/2016 10:22

Well said, Headofthehive55, and it's such a shame that this is the case.

Kr1stina · 09/11/2016 10:29

I'd be far too embarrassed to ask all my friends and family to pay thousands of pounds and take so much time off work just to be the unpaid extras in my personal show. It seems tremendously egotistical to me.

I'm know it's the sort of thing that's very fashionable in certain social circles but it seems rather vulgar to many people. I suppose it's part of the trend for weddings as a performance where the bride is the star for the day.

Original poster

RubyRed6878 · 09/11/2016 11:44

Thank you for your opinion Kr1stina I'm so glad you read my original question and provided a constructive, helpful suggestion.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 09/11/2016 11:50

I'm all for a childfree wedding to be honest but in this case I'd make an exception for the DC whose parents have paid a fortune to care enough to get there. Haven't RTFT though so if you are footing the bill that may change my opinion slightly.

I've actually been to a wedding in Mexico a few years ago, the actual ceremony was over in a flash....I wouldn't over think this one Op.

fgp · 09/11/2016 12:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Angelasw · 09/11/2016 12:02

It's your wedding. Do it your way. If turns out only this child, think about it at the time, it shouldn't be hard to hire a private sitter for a short time, enjoy your day.

Remember, it's your Day!

Original poster

RubyRed6878 · 09/11/2016 12:20

Wow fgp

OP posts:

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