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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No children at destination wedding

540 replies

RubyRed6878 · 07/11/2016 08:55

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

OP posts:
Atenco · 08/11/2016 21:41

This is not the case in Mexico and your Mexican wedding certificate will be just as valid as a U.K. one

Yes but...
If you want a church ceremony in Mexico, you will have to also go to a registry office, because they don't register church weddings here. I suppose you know how to do all the paperwork, but in case you didn't, that is one thing to think about.

Bettersleepoutdoors · 08/11/2016 21:45

Parents will be happy for their children to marry overseas because its cheap - for the bride and groom (and, therefore, cheap for the parents who might otherwise have to shell out 10s of 1000s £££)
Every other guest is very likely to be utterly pissed off at having to supplement your dream destination wedding. telling them you don't want their children spoiling the day will be the icing on the cake.

thatdearoctopus · 08/11/2016 21:49

It's not that I don't "get" the concept of child-free weddings - I absolutely do and we had a limit on ours, actually (only nephews and nieces, plus newborns of BM and ChiefBM); it's more that I would have thought that a beach wedding abroad would, by definition, be more informal than a church/stately home/posh hotel do here, and therefore the possibility of a child possibly making a noise at some point ought surely to be less of an issue?

kazzieb10 · 08/11/2016 21:52

Have your wedding in Mexico but don't invite the 100 guests. I had a childfree ceremony which lasted about 20 mins, then children were able to be at the rest. But Mexico and no kids is just too expensive and inconvenient for most.

Ticketybootoo · 08/11/2016 22:39

I was once asked to be a good friends bridesmaid and told that no children were allowed at the wedding at all and my eldest DD was 18 months old. . It was away from home and the bride wanted me to stay the whole weekend of the wedding . I have to say I was a bit upset so I compromised and told her that I would turn up for make up on the morning of her wedding and then stay the evening . I drove 100 miles from the wedding to drop DD with my parents as that was the best we could do . The bride apologised to me 2 years later once she had had her first child and admitted that she had been a b&&ch to me . I would let your brothers child attend and think about how you would feel if roles were reversed

LD33 · 08/11/2016 22:56

Agree with chicrock yabu to expect guests to fly a child long distance to a wedding and then leave them with babysitters they would never have met during the ceremony. If i had this invite I would be declining and if my sister or brother tried doing this to their nephew I'd be furious. Even worse that u would expect them to leave a child as young as 2. Sorry OP I usually see both points of view but I think this will cause a lot of upset which could overshadow ur day more than a kid talking during ur nuptials.

Greengoddess12 · 08/11/2016 23:02

I never really get wedding angst.

Bride and g

Greengoddess12 · 08/11/2016 23:04

Bride and groom decide what wedding they want and who they want. All fine why not it's their wedding.

They invite and those invited can accept or decline. No angst it's not life or death it's just a wedding.

End of.

Jemmajamjar · 08/11/2016 23:10

I don't get it Hmm why are people being so down on a destination weddings? Mexico is an amaizing place wether or not it has mosquito's. This post is getting slated for all the wrong reasons. Plenty if people get married abroad and plenty of friends and families go with them, me included. I like the idea of getting a nanny to play in the beach close to where you are though, however getting childcare abroad is the same as getting childcare at home if it's the first time, you only have reviews to go on where ever you are in the world, just let BIL do the research of the hotel childcare and decide for themselves. Do what you think is best, it's your wedding and it will be amazing. Enjoy your day and good luck Flowers

PetalMettle · 08/11/2016 23:12

I think people don't like destination weddings because they don't think it's fair to force their f and f to use holiday time and spend four figures to see them get married.

Bummymummy77 · 08/11/2016 23:16

Whether or not it has Mosquitos?

Do you not understand the risks associated with Zika?

LadyBusDriver · 08/11/2016 23:17

Not read the thread but if this was my BIL or even my brother and they got married ANYWHERE and said no kids (to his own nephew!!!!) I'd be fuming. My son is as much a part of this family as anyone, why should he be left out?
I wouldn't go and things would be bad between us for a very long time.

On top of this, you want them to leave their precious children (who 100% mean more to them than you) with strangers in a day club!!!!

Your off your rocker!

NicknameUsed · 08/11/2016 23:20

"I don't get it Hmm why are people being so down on a destination weddings?"

Because most of the replies are from people who would find being invited to one a problem, so they are putting their point of view over. Also many people think that weddings are family occasions, and that means including all members of the family regardless of how old they are. They actively want their families to be there and don't want to make it difficult for them.

Quite often destination weddings, especially child free ones, send out the message of "don't bother coming because we won't accommodate you".

NicknameUsed · 08/11/2016 23:24

I happen to think that as weddings are family occasions (to me) that they aren't just about the bride and groom. Of course they are the main focus, but the guests are important as well.

The arrogance with which some couples arrange their weddings to suit themselves and don't take the needs of their guests into account is quite depressing.

PetalMettle · 08/11/2016 23:27

Agree nickname. We arranged our wedding so it would fit school holidays for our overseas nieces and nephews. Ex sil organised her'S for term time which meant dn couldn't come

Neaders · 08/11/2016 23:35

OP I think yanvvvu and a bit selfish.. maybe precious.
Think about it.... the kids are your husband to be's flesh and blood. It would be inappropriate for them not to be there!
Your BIL and his wife will probably not be looking forward to trailing their kids half way around the world. It's hard work travelling with young kids. There is NOTHING relaxing about it!
Don't keep saying you have no expectation that all invites will go... what kind of guy doesn't go to his brothers wedding.
I'm gonna be blunt here... suck it up! If a kid laughs, crus or babbles whilst you are saying your vows then so what???! Get over yourself and don't be so bloody precious!
Rant over!!

Jemmajamjar · 08/11/2016 23:44

Bummy, there are mosquitos much closer to home than Mexico. Of course I understand the risks associated with Zika however the destination is not the point of the thread, and calling a country out because there are mosquitos there to make OP feel bad about getting married abroad is a dreadful thing to do. Again as I previously said Mexico is amaizing, I'd get married there any day of the week, and spend money taking me and my family and put my child in childcare for an hour or so to go to someone special to me's wedding. Sorry OP I wouldn't care about the people calling you silly, their just silly for saying it.

Bummymummy77 · 08/11/2016 23:49

Um yes but those mosquitos don't carry Zika. Hmm

Jemmajamjar · 09/11/2016 00:08

Um yes but they do, there's been cases of zika confirmed as close as Spain.
Confused this is has nothing to do with the question about if a bride is selfish if not wanting a child at her wedding..... we've gone completely of course. Let's just agree to disagree, I love going abroad and taking my family on holidays to create memories, people have different concerns and priorities in life.

blueamberuk · 09/11/2016 00:21

We had a destination wedding :) all 2 of us and it was a relief all round. No crazy wedding expenses but the holiday of a lifetime. Families didnt even know till afterwards it was great!!

SulphurMan · 09/11/2016 00:32

Before I had kids, my attitude to kids at weddings was: 'why are you such bad parents that you can't keep that annoying noisy child completely silent!"

When I was the one with kids at a wedding, it was: 'oh no, everyone must think I'm such a rubbish parent, please please please be quiet darling child!'

Now my kids are grown, I hear kids at a wedding and I think: 'I wish I had kids that young again, I miss those times'.

Children are a gift, whatever time of life you're at, but you won't realise it until you're older. They are not meant to fit in with you or what you want, you are supposed to grow with them.

I think if you invite a parent, you invite the child by default.

avamiah · 09/11/2016 01:44

OP,
Have you lost your mind?
You expect family and friends with little ones to travel all the way to Mexico to attend your wedding and then leave their children in the hotel Crèche or club with a complete stranger.?
This is Mumsnet,we have kids and your asking if we should take them to Mexico and leave them with a stranger in a foreign country.
Two words,begins with F and ends with OFF.

Atenco · 09/11/2016 04:18

Children are a gift

I totally agree. Have a dgd in the house and she is special to me, but it wouldn't really matter if it was another child, that age is so wonderful and brings sunshine to our lives. Adults are boring.

Atenco · 09/11/2016 04:24

Mexico is an amaizing place wether or not it has mosquito's

I live here and I agree, however it seems obvious that the OP is going to be married in a standard international hotel, what is there Mexican about that? It could be anywhere else in the world (and maybe more accessible for their guests)

Headofthehive55 · 09/11/2016 04:41

If you need such perfection in life as a quiet ceremony, then I suspect you might be in for a shock with married life.

The wedding ceremony isn't just about the bride and groom. It's when other family members acquire additional relationships.

People become brothers in law, you acquire nephews, become an aunt perhaps etc. Your guests are often witnessing their own family growing at the wedding! So it's not just about the bride and groom.

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