No children at destination wedding

[RubyRed6878]

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

Dear OP,

JayneAusten is entirely right. You want permission to do something that's selfish and come off as unselfish at the same time. If you want a wedding that's just the two of you, own it.

You clearly have no problem with stating what you want - Mexico, your guests to use their own finances/annual leave to travel so far, no children etc. Then you claim that you would be perfectly happy if it were just the two of you, but you've 'invited' 100 guests because 'close friends have expressed they'd be disappointed if we assumed that they wouldn't want to come because of the distance'. Why are you concerned about their feelings and not your future BIL's? He can just suck it up because he was stupid enough to have children? Is that what you're saying? Because that's what he's going to hear.

You know full well that some people who would love to attend will be prohibited by the cost. What makes it worse is the fact that they may move hell and high water to try and get there because they think you want them, when the fact is you really don't. They could potentially put themselves in a financial bind out of love for you and your OH because they don't want to let you down. If they then find out it was all for nothing because you didn't care either way if they were there or not, they will feel more than a little betrayed.

As for children 'ruining' your wedding, surely it's about the love you and your OH have for each other, your vows, your commitment to each other and you becoming 'family'. If it can be 'ruined' by 'screaming/chattering babies' and what you consider to be disruptive toddlers, maybe you need to rethink your priorities. Are you getting married because you love each other or because you both want a 'perfect' (aka 'unrealistic') fairy tale wedding? Is it so fragile that it will be destroyed if a few children make some noise?

If your wedding is the moment you become family AND join each other's families, you and your OH treating his brother and his brother's children so shabbily is not a good start. Families, whether they share DNA or the family we choose for ourselves, tend to have children. By excluding them you're saying they're not considered to be part of your family. Yes, they make noise and don't always behave perfectly. But the only people who would consider that as 'ruining' your wedding are you and your OH. If they are toddlers, it's true that they won't remember your wedding. But when they're older they'll point themselves out in the photos and say, "That was me at my uncle's wedding." They'll like the fact that they were included in this family event.

But that is just my opinion. It's your prerogative to have any kind of wedding you want, just be fair about it. Have the wedding in Mexico just the two of you, then a celebration for everyone (including children) when you get back. Otherwise, as another commenter said, you could end up with key members of your immediate family missing and two work colleagues you aren't that close to.

The hurt that would cause family members unable to attend, either because they can't afford it or because you excluded their children (I wouldn't put my children in a creche in a strange country either), could take years to mend. If I was effectively not invited to my brother's wedding, but two random work colleagues got to attend, I would be heartbroken. If he was then insensitive enough to say I was invited, but I 'chose' not to attend, that would be adding insult to injury. We would fall out big time because that's really unfair.

It would be better to say that in the interests of fairness (because you know it's not fair of you to ask guests to pay to attend in Mexico and then expect them to leave their children with complete strangers), you are going to make the Mexico ceremony just the two of you. Then have a celebration for everyone, including children, when you get back. That's much better than an invite that isn't really an invite (because you don't really want them/their children there), while you prioritise the feelings of your 'close friends [who] expressed they'd be disappointed.' You can't please everyone as you well know, so you may as well play fair and not invite anyone to Mexico. Then it's not personal because you're not showing any favouritism. Just sayin'

No way I would go If I couldn't bring my dc. If you were my sister and didn't want your nieces to share with you, I wouldn't ever make the effort to go all the way to Mexico.

I live in Mexico and love it, but surely all these big hotels by the beach are the bloody same, whether you are in Spain, India or Mexico?

Sounds like a lot of a expense considering you could go to Spain and not know the difference?

The thing is, why pick a venue that is so likely to cause upset and division?
Sure, in this case, some friends have said they'd like to go. Who knows whether they're serious and would actually show up. But there is a very real risk that a couple of very close family members will be seriously put out by the plan. All because you have a frankly unrealistic view of how you want the vows to be. I can honestly say that you will be (or should be) so "in the moment" that the sky could fall in and you wouldn't notice.

Well said Marlene

I had a destination wedding. I had 6 children at the wedding. They were lovely well behaved and certainly didn't detract from the service one iota..

So who is supposed to look after these children while the adults attend your wedding.
Seems a bit unfair op

Op carefree you didn't have to go did you? I don't understand this whole need for people to attend....

I went to a wedding last month. It was 2 long haul flights (24 hours flying in total) away. It has cost us £1000s. And yes, I DID have to go. Don't underestimate the pressure you put on family by doing this. You WILL piss off some of them, but as you have already said, you don't actually care if they are there or not. So you probably don't care if you piss some of them off either. The entire way you are going about it means someone will be pissed off. Others here have put it better than I can, but telling people you would like them to spend time and money to go to Mexico, but aren't that bothered if they don't, but if they do don't bring the kids, unless they are willing to commit to some none-specific as-yet-unarranged childcare - someone will be pissed off. Accept that now, do what you want, accept the bridezilla title, and get it over and done with. My level of bitterness on the whole thing is entirely proportional to my feelings at having been put through something similar recently as a wedding guest. And kids weren't even excluded at the wedding I went to!

geretrude they are fine with it, both sets of parents are insisting we do what we want and the wedding where we want, regardless of other people's input - genuinely. They don't want us "compromising"..their words not ours

Ruby you said the only people you care about being there are your parents. That comes across as rather sad and sounds like you don't care if your BIL will be there or not.

Some of the responses on here make me realise why my and DP have never got around to getting married. Some people get quite riled if a wedding isn't too their exact specifications. OP thankfully your friends sound like normal reasonable people and as you say won't be making you feel guilty for your choice of wedding.

I was invited to a friend's wedding in America before I had kids. I was working full time and was much better off than I am now so I jumped at the chance. It meant I got to visit a place I probably wouldn't have considered otherwise and everyone had a great time. They asked about 40 friends and family, and about 25 went. Sounds as though your friends are in similar positions and may well be able to afford it. The ones who can't, or don't want to, will be able to come to the party afterwards to celebrate.

I've also been to a no kids wedding when DS was about a year old. It was in the UK but a long way from home so we had to stay over. They provided a creche for during the ceremony. I didn't like leaving DS there but it was only for about 30mins and I popped out during that time to check he was OK. It was worth it to see our friends get married. Sometimes you do something that's a bit inconvenient to you because it makes friends/family happy.

Like you've repeatedly said, you want to offer the opportunity for people to come along but there's no obligation or guilt if they choose not to. I don't understand why you've got a hard time.

OP, let me tell you something... Those annoying young nieces and nephews will, in a decade or so, become interesting, often very cool young adults. It's fabulous having young friends like that when you're older and less cool than you used to be. Honestly. One day you'll wish you'd treated those nieces and nephews like fully fledged human beings. Use your wedding as an opportunity to be the coolest auntie-to-be.

YABVU!

Okay, that's fine then. They can help your husband deal with any fall out with his brothers. As you say the brothers really want to come, I'm not sure how they'll feel about it, but obviously neither your husband or his parents care very much about that.

iwouldgoout - this is not and has never been about friends. It's about siblings

I would sit out of the ceremony with my kids tbh - is it possible to have a back room where you have a live video stream where people with kids can sit?

I don't think yabu to want your wedding your way but I do think it will certainly cause some problems for some of your guests. My 2 yr old definitely wouldn't stay at a kids club without me and I wouldn't want to leave him there either but then again I would sit at the back and take him away immediately if he wouldn't be quiet, suppose it depends on whether you think your guests would do the same?

is it possible to have a back room where you have a live video stream where people with kids can sit?

Whaaaaat? They go all the way to fucking Mexico, just to watch the wedding on a poxy TV screen????

both sets of parents are insisting we do what we want and the wedding where we want, regardless of other people's input

Ah. I'm sorry to say it but this explains a lot.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.. We had a destination wedding and it was absolutely fabulous. We also said no kids (we did have exception for 2x flower girls and 2x 'assistant photographers' equaling 2x age 5 and 2x age 8). The destination and / or the no kids did mean some didn't come but we had about 60 attend. Friends that came said to us that they enjoyed the weekend away without the kids..

Friends that came said to us that they enjoyed the weekend away without the kids.
They were hardly likely to say they'd had a shit time though, were they?
And this is a different scenario - not a weekend away.

Why dont you have a destination honeymoon?

I don't really understand the uk party bit. It's not a wedding. Not really sure why people do that as you aren't the bride then, slightly odd to wear your wedding dress when you are not the bride. It's a bit like a party to celebrate a party you didn't go to.

YANBU to want a child free wedding.

But YABU to expect immediate family to be able to do anything about this!
Most Mexican and Middle East resorts dont do kids clubs for under 3's or not potty trained. I see two solutions to this:

YOU organise and pay for 2 or 3 nannies for all the kids during the ceremony in a privately hired room/area at the venue with snacks and movies.

OR

You pay for a nanny from the UK to fly with you and employ her for the few days of the wedding.

As my husband is foreign, half of our guests had to fly in. We asked for a child free wedding except for immediate family, wedding party and under 2s. Everybody was cool with this. There were a few squeaks during the ceremony, but please dont forget, weddings are a celebration and a time to reunite families and friends. Most considerate people will run to the back/outside and I guarantee should one day you become a parent and have behaved too inflexible about this with your grooms own brother, you will feel absolutely terrible and ridiculous.

I've not read the thread but if it's only one kid then why don't you just 'allow' the kid to attend. Chances are that it won't scream throughout the ceremony anyway and all this fuss and potential upset will have been pointless anyway. How long will the ceremony be anyway? They are usually fairly short.

It would cause a lot less problems if you just got your DH to tell his brother that you would prefer it if the ceremony was nice and quiet and that you don't mind if he eats some sweets or plays on an iPad or whatever else works while the ceremony takes place if it keeps him quiet.

BTW we didn't invite our own 18 month old to our own wedding. 😂 He went to the childminer as usual and had a great day with her. It meant the day was very relaxing for us.

YABU - You can't expect your nephew to be plonked in kids club in Mexico , whilst his patents presumably have to leave the hotel or at least not be available, whilst you have your ceremony! Children can add a lot to special days and most parents are completely capable of keeping their own 2 year old happy for the time it takes to get married. I wouldn't attend a local family wedding on this basis, let alone one in Mexico! In fact if they were that unreasonable I wouldn't bother with them at all.

Tbh this and every AIBU can sort of come down to 'learn to validate yourself'. I don't understand why you'd ask a bunch of strangers online what they think about your preference if you're already sure that you don't want kids? like always some will agree with you, some will not.

Don't mean to sound harsh i'm just genuinely confused as to why you'd ask if you've made up your mind?

She's said numerous times that she hasn't made up her mind - she's just asking on here for opinions on the potential plan, which is already being amended.