No children at destination wedding

[RubyRed6878]

Apologies if this should be moved to Wedding thread but think it's more suited to AIBU...

Wedding is being planned in Mexico, about 100 guests will receive invites. Before people jump on and say we're being selfish, in invites are exactly that, invites not expectations at all. We'll also be having a UK celebration so will emphasise that it would be amazing for as many friends and family to be there as possible but we totally understand if people can't / don't want to make it.

The issue: DP and I are 100% sure we do not want children at the ceremony. We've been to too many weddings / events where screaming/chattering babies / toddlers have disrupted and we are too scared to take the risk for our own day. Children are more than welcome at the reception.
The issue is DPs brother, we are 99% sure they'll come to Mexico (invites not sent yet) but I'm very nervous about saying "no children at the ceremony" considering they'll have travelled all that way. DP is determined to stay firm and insist on no kids.
WWYD? Is it totally U to ask them to put their child in the kids club for an hour or so during the ceremony? I'm nervous of backing down and then having a 2 year old screaming over our vows and wishing we'd stuck to our guns, but equally am aware of what a big ask it is to leave a young child in a hotel kids club

Personally i think everyone else is being U. The way i see it, it's your wedding, your rules. If they don't like it they don't go!

It is so damn English to have any sort of wedding and say "No Kids". I hate this. Weddings are a family thing and it's where other people witness your love for each other and see you take your vows. That is what makes it a wedding. Why the HELL do people say No Kids??? I hate it. That said Good Luck. But there is no way I would come.

Are you being unfair wanting a child free wedding ceremony? Hell no. As long as you are accepting of the fact that few people, even family members will be reluctant or refuse to attend withOUT their children then it shouldn't be a problem. Frankly many parents tho by no means all would grab the opportunity for a short time in adult only company but of course they like to do that at their chosen time & place, not when told that it's an adult only function...perversity plays a big part in these things.

I can see that guests won't want to leave their child home in the UK whilst they holiday in Mexico, or leave their child with a stranger at the hotel, but that's the deal if you want to be part of the overseas celebration & the choice is theirs to make.
I don't know you but I hope you have a wonderful wedding in Mexico & a wonderful party back home in the UK where those parents can bring their children & join in.....or sulk at home.

I don't understand why you wouldn't want your "soon to be nephew" at your wedding - he's family for goodness sake - very unreasonable of you IMO. Especially as they will have traveled half way across the world!!! I would be really, really pissed off with the whole kids club expectation if I was his parents!!

Our friendships and family relationships are not defined by people's need/desire to watch / celebrate us getting married.

Quick question. Have you ever tried looking at something from someone else's perspective?

I haven't read the full thread... too long sorry.

Have you checked that the hotel kids club will accept children as young as 2 (lots won't) also that they will definitely be open and also if you can reserve places?

I would not fly thousands of miles to a wedding to put my kids in a hotel kids club, they don't even go if we are on holiday... chiefly because they are terrible. If I was the type of person to do this I would be incredibly pissed off to discover that the kids club was closed/full/crap and now we all have to miss it.

Mind you, I wouldn't go anyway.

In this country, not a problem. Unknown country? Leaving at the hotel? Not a cat in hells chance of me doing that. Yabvvu to expect anyone let alone his brother to do this. I would be very upset if my brother expected me to do this when we have paid a fortune to see him get married and it would definitely cause a rift. And I'm a totally reasonable person under most circumstances. A bridge too far and more than a little bit entitled tbh.

I've never understood the concept of travelling to and country that you have no connection with and has different laws to our own country just to get married. It's not not as if your marriage certificate can be added to the UK register on your return.

From what I've heard of destination weddings is that they are a bit of a conveyer belt in as much as the venue will host several a day in some cases.
But hey, what do I know? I got married in the days when it was just a choice of church, registry office or Gretna Green and UK destination weddings hadn't been invented.

I don't think you sound at all like a bridezilla. You have been very reasonable in spite of lots of unnecessarily nasty posts on this thread.
I've been to a couple of weddings abroad for friends and family. I had a great time on both holidays. I've also not been able to go to a family wedding abroad and that was fine too. imo people who choose to go to a wedding and then risk ruining it by whining about the expense and inconvenience are the selfish ones.

Getting married abroad is fine but by excluding your nephew from the ceremony you may also be indirectly excluding BIL from attending. I wouldn't have left my 2 year old with someone I didn't know, even for 30 mins. If he is the only child it also sounds a bit like you don't want him there, so I would think very carefully about how you word this to BIL.

I think I would just you two go to Mexico make it your honeymoon then have a doo at home.
Its a big financial commitment attending a wedding involving a hotel stay in the U.K. by the time you've bought presents, attended hen and stag doo and bought new clothes and accessories etc. I would feel guilty asking others to pay for a flight and two weeks hotel stay on top of this, as they may feel obliged to go especially if family and forego there summer holiday because of this for fear of offending you. You would hardly go to Mexico for a day or two so tensions could be running high and it won't be much of a honeymoon having friends and family wherever you turn for two weeks yak!!
We have been invited to a wedding in the UK specifying no children. So I didn't go to as I had a baby and was heavily pregnant with DD but I insisted hubby went on his own. Another wedding we attended ours were the only two children invited as the bride had a massive family and everyone had at least two or three children. The kids were very young and behaved amazingly the guests still remark on it (my Ds had just turned 3 and DD was not yet two).
Personally I don't mind a bit of children's chatter in the background and think it adds to the occasion but I have never attended a wedding ceremony where the children took over and spoiled it so YABU expecting others would palm the kids (toddlers/babies) off in kids club in a foreign country just so as not to upstage you!

I was invited to a friends wedding, she didn't want kids at the ceremony or at the reception. If we'd booked a babysitter for both, we would have been away from our son for 9 hours, totally unrealistic, so we didn't go to the ceremony and only went to the reception. The bride wasn't happy about this but I'm really not sure what she expected me to do

you are asking the wrong people.
Only your BIL and his wife will know whether they are happy to leave their child in a mexican kids club for your wedding.

I would be hurt that you didn't give a toss either way about me being at your wedding if it was my brother or sister. It is one thing to quietly elope, another to plan something completely contradictory to the needs and wants of your closest family. You are getting too wrapped up in the aesthetic and forgetting that love and marriage are about PEOPLE!! This dude you are excluding has known your oh all his life and probably shared a bath with him. He will want to see him get married! Dont be dicks and artificially create a load of barriers. Mexico is barrier enough.

It's not not as if your marriage certificate can be added to the UK register on your return
Why would you need to add it to the UK register?
If your marriage is legal in the country where it happens it is equally binding in the U.K. In some countries eg the Maldives only religious ceremonies are legal weddings. This is not the case in Mexico and your Mexican wedding certificate will be just as valid as a U.K. one.

However, fwiw, my view is that Destination weddings are a fucking PITA
and that being asked to leave my child in a creche (which at the age of two I simply would not do for anyone) after hauling my arse and my family to Central America for such an event would be one request too far.

I had a (almost) child- free wedding btw.
Just close family children there, or ppl who I knew couldn't arrange childcare.
This was because it was quite a "grown up" evening affair and I couldn't afford to accommodate everyone's children for the meal etc.

The thread has moved on since this post, but I wanted to respond anyway:

for those saying were U for even inviting people to such a destination, is your solution to hand pick those we "think" could afford it and avoid inviting those we assume could not? And just sending them a UK invite? (Genuine question)

No, I think what most people are saying is that it would be better to invite everyone to something that they can afford, in the UK, and then have your honeymoon in Mexico. Or alternatively have a private ceremony abroad, with your parents since they're also keen, and then have a celebration back home for everyone else.

Another point, which may or may not be an issue for you: we went to a fairly upmarket resort in Mexico this summer. It was Adults Only, but that's beside the point. It was absolutely heaving with newly-married couples. Every other suite door had 'Honeymoon' banners festooned on them.

Not sure how many of them had their actual ceremonies out there - I didn't see any - but are you sure you'll get the exclusivity you're after in such a resort?

Your wedding so you can invite anyone you want and put any conditions on attending. I wouldn't come, but as you've said, you don't mind people not coming. Good luck OP

YABVU and out of touch. You expect people to travel all that way and then put their kids in holiday childcare for your wedding? Expect a backlash from the invitees with kids. Not every child would be happy to be left in one of those kids clubs. Totally unreasonable.

It's your wedding its your choice but you must be clear about it on the invites (most people are not) ... don't just leave children's names out ....say clearly we apologise but we are not inviting any children to our wedding ceremony.
I probably wouldn't go as I would not leave my 3 year old in another country but some may choose to go and leave chikdren at home with relatives whilst they have a nice break.

But the OP has said, repeatedly, that nearly all of their close friends don't have children. It's mainly her bil-to-be's child she and her dp are objecting to, plus one other I think.

Both sides to this!

Kids will be kids and they get bored etc and don't want to sit through the ceremony. However if you want your family etc there and they have kids those kids are members of your family.

I wouldn't leave kids with someone I didn't know and your assuming the parents have someone they can leave the kids with back in England while they go off to Mexico.

I'd just say that I wouldn't go to the wedding in Mexico and see you at the reception in England where I would feed my kids so much sugar they would be running around because it wouldn't be as bothersome because it's not a 'destination' venue.

Peace

I think YABU. If you don't want children that's fine but no wanting them abroad is different. I hear what you say about just for the ceremony but I still think that's BU.

The main thing is you and your DP hear each other say your vows. I'm not sure a screaming child would stop this.

Sorry but I wouldn't attend

YANBU - it's your wedding. Young kids would be bored stiff at the ceremony anyway. They'd much prefer to be somewhere else. It's not uncommon to have child-free weddings - both reception and ceremony.

I know many people get frustrated with it because then they have to organise and sometimes pay for childcare but you're paying for the whole wedding - you have a right to decide who you invite.

I think it's actually nice. Friends of our family got engaged when I was a child but they lived in America (at the time we lived in America but we moved back to the UK not long after they got engaged). Anyway a few months later they posted us a beautiful invitation to their wedding even though they knew we would be unable to attend but it showed we were in their thoughts and if there was any chance we could make it we would be more than welcome. It was so touching it made my mother cry. She called them to say thank you. I realise the circumstances are slightly different but it is the same thought.

Some people will get snotty with you - ignore them. If they are willing to let something like this come between you, then something sooner or later would have come between you.

It's your wedding so it's your choice if you want kids or not but personally I wouldn't travel that far and leave my children with anyone.

But I had lots of children at my wedding (a variety of ages) and I'm glad they were there and they were no trouble at all.

If you think they will ruin your wedding then you are doing the right thing but you do run the risk of your guests thinking you like them but not their kids which might not go down so well!