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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed off at DP's inability to do anything domestic correctly?

85 replies

Isawthepigsfly · 07/11/2016 08:28

So at the moment the majority of housework falls to me because I'm home more. That's fine.

This weekend DP was to do washing and sort DD's uniform. This morning it's materialised that not all of the uniform has been washed and some of the clothes that were washed (presumably on the wrong setting) and been hung to dry are still covered in sick.

So I've got a child half dressed for school and having to try and find some kind of alternative and a whole load of washing that now needs steeped and re-washed or binned which I'm leaning towards.

How can neither of these things be noticed by DP and only by me when it's a bit too late?

OP posts:

Original poster

Isawthepigsfly · 07/11/2016 08:30

This isn't isolated either. If anything is ever cleaned by him it's not done properly. Floor mopped? Crumbs thar hoover doesn't pick up left instead of swept. Bathroom cleaned? Windowsill, back of toilet, toilet rim not wiped. Kitchen wiped down? Wouldn't think to wipe behind toaster or kettle etc etc

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 07/11/2016 08:31

Does he cock up tasks at work like this? Or just at home where he knows you'll pick up the slack?

Original poster

Isawthepigsfly · 07/11/2016 08:33

Exactly my thoughts Expat. And if it's something he wants done funnily enough it will get done properly

OP posts:

BusStopBetty · 07/11/2016 08:33

He's not incapable, he just can't be arsed because he knows you'll pick up the slack.

Bluntness100 · 07/11/2016 08:36

My hubby is like this, for example if he empties the dishwasher and something is still dirty he puts it away as if it's clean. I think it's because they do it fast and aren't interested.

I just tell him though, and don't pick up the slack, it's a never ending battle, but I think a lot of women will empathise with you.

Fairybella · 07/11/2016 08:40

My dp once told me drunkenly that men fuck up the job so you don't ask them to do it again

Eeeek686 · 07/11/2016 08:44

I actually think that a lot of men (& some women in case I'm excused of sexism) just genuinely aren't arsed or don't 'see' the same level of dirt/mess that some other women/people do... My Dp is exactly the same, and for the most part he only does the household tasks when I ask him to and openly admitted otherwise they wouldn't bother him.... He has never cleaned the bathroom, for eg! He also often wears grubby clothes so it's not as of he's more bothered about himself....

I have lived with a fair few guys (with work related live in accom, that is! ) and where living/washing areas have been gender segregated the guys areas have always been Disgusting.....

I personally insist on a personal-mess cleaning policy (eg each cleaning loo/sink after self, wipe kitchen after cooking/making snacks, etc, putting own clothes in wash, etc etc) and just resign myself to taking care of me, the kids (till they are of an age they can help out), and other areas I think should be done more often or more intensely myself.... It's as much my right to choose to live in a clean house as his to choose not to care, as long as hygiene and safety is adhered to, IMO.

Does occasionally annoy the fuck out of me that he's such a minger tho!

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/11/2016 08:45

It's because he knows he'll pick up after you.

One of the things that attracted me to DP is the fact that he can clean up after himself without being asked, and he does it properly!

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/11/2016 08:45

*you'll pick up after him.

I need another coffee!

girlywhirly · 07/11/2016 08:48

Because he assumes the washing machine will do all the work for him. My DH would think that. He doesn't realise that his shirt collars are only clean because I spray them with Vanish before they go in the machine. Although even he would notice vomit on clothing and put them in a bucket to soak.

Some of it is lack of noting what items DD'S uniform comprises. Otherwise he would prioritise those items to be washed along with P.E. kit, underwear, socks and then whatever else to make up a full wash load.

QueenLaBeefah · 07/11/2016 08:50

He clearly needs more practice so he can learn to do the laundry properly.

This is called strategic incompetence. Some men do it in purpose so they don't have to do it again. Don't fall for it.

BasinHaircut · 07/11/2016 08:53

This is so timely OP. Last night I didn't feel very well so went to bed while some towels were still tumble drying. I asked DH to get them out when they finished and I've just come into the lounge to find that he has literally taken them out and dumped them on the sofa. Not folded or anything, literally just dumped there.

I'm so annoyed they are going to stay there all day and he can bloody well put them away when he gets home

LotsOfShoes · 07/11/2016 08:54

He knows you'll be there to fix it so he doesn't give a shit. So what if his kid might have to go to school covered in sick for one day? At least he doesn't have to make an effort. Great father right there.

Somerville · 07/11/2016 08:55

Using a washing machine is not remotely difficult.
I agree with PP's that he needs to do boing it a lot more often. I suggest he starts off by doing all of his own for the foreseeable future.

MycatsaPirate · 07/11/2016 09:12

My dp has an inability to see when things need doing, although because he knows I do these things, he doesn't look very hard.

But I had surgery last month. I am STILL on bedrest because my surgical wound is not healing properly. So for nearly four weeks he has had to do literally everything in the house. He still forgets to feed the cats in the evening sometimes (but they shout at him until he does) but mainly he's just had to get on and do everything.

So yes, I think if they know someone else will do it it they don't (or if they do it badly) then they will just not bother or fuck it up. When they have no choice in the matter, suddenly they start to magically acquire house keeping skills.

Dp used to ask me why I folded all the washing when it came out of the drier as it was going to be ironed anyway. He's now admitted that his method of just throwing it all in a basket does mean he has to spend longer ironing.

I love being proved right.

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/11/2016 09:12

Did these men never live independently, or were they previously perfectly capable of cleaning up after themselves, but decided they didn't need to once they found a woman who was willing to pick up after them?

As for the PP whose partner has never cleaned a bathroom - why on earth is that an appealing trait in a grown adult?!

expatinscotland · 07/11/2016 09:21

Exactly, Hermoine. A minger, yay, sounds attractive.

FerretFred · 07/11/2016 09:22

Using a washing machine is not remotely difficult

Are you kidding? I've been SAHD for two years now and was quite happy doing all the housework. However the bloody washing machine took me weeks to master. Whites became greys (pinks and purples on a couple of occasions). Clothes for a 10 year old mysteriously looked like Barbies cast offs and vanish took the colour out of some articles.

My wife had some favourite bits of clothing she would hide and not let me near. Although if she wanted to replace some of her wardrobe she would let me wash it so as she had an excuse to bin it!

Somerville · 07/11/2016 09:24

Is that a wind-up? If you can read you can do laundry. (The machine has a manual and clothing has care labels.) Is reading a problem?

SaagMasala · 07/11/2016 09:26

This is called strategic incompetence. Some men do it in purpose so they don't have to do it again. Don't fall for it.

We've had so many arguments about the washing machine that DH is no longer allowed to touch it. I made him wear pink underwear after he put my favourite red silk blouse in with the whites. The blouse and some of his work shirts were beyond redemption.

I traded laundry for washing up (we don't have a dishwasher). He doesn't wash up properly. Hand-washing to him means dunking stuff in a bowl of hot warm water for a couple of minutes, then putting it on the drainer. So I regularly find stuff stuck to plates, and glasses (when he does them) are full of fingerprints. After too many breakages he isn't allowed to wash wine glasses.
He won't wash pans, or rinse out things like tins for recycling.

I could excuse this if he was 25 and hadn't ever been shown how to do it properly.

We've been together 35 years and I think I say something to him EVERY SODDING WEEK.

Original poster

Isawthepigsfly · 07/11/2016 09:29

My main issue is he would notice if his own uniform wasn't all there but for some reason didn't think to check where the missing piece of DD's was. It's laziness, no other excuse.

To the PP the sick wasn't on the uniform. The uniform was clean but not all of it there. I've actually searched the house for it and it's not here so must have been left at school but either way he should have noticed and I could have got a replacement over the weekend. But regardless he should have also noticed the Vomit on the clothes. He won't ever hang clothes the right way, if they went in the washing basket inside out they'll get hung that way. It does my head in. He's saying he didn't notice and thinks we need to get a new washing machine. It's not the best but it doesn't need replacing just yet, it needs used correctly and clothes with sick on need steeped first!!

He genuinely doesn't see mess the same way I do but he also would soon notice if I didn't do it and we lived in a shit tip. We will be having a chat tonight.

OP posts:

dodobookends · 07/11/2016 09:31

Barbies cast offs

TataEs · 07/11/2016 09:33

my dh is partly strategically incompetent, partly never taught how clean properly, so soaking clothes first would not occur to him, and partly happy to live in squalor.

the words i use are "don't be a cunt, i'm not ur mother, i don't ask you to do much so when i ask for help i actually really need it and rely on you to do it right, so put on your big boy pants, and do it properly, you are not stupid, don't act it, it's incredibly unattractive'

seems to work quite well

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/11/2016 09:38

But why do you need to ask a grown adult for help? It's his mess too, he should be doing it without being asked

RiverTam · 07/11/2016 09:42

I wouldn't soak sicky clothes before washing them, didn't know that was a thing? And what on earth does it matter of stuff is hung up inside out, does it being the right way around make it dry quicker?

DH doesn't know how to use our washing machine, because I've been at home ever since we got the new one, with its elevnty billion settings, and laundry is one thing I quite like doing. He's actually much better at housework than me.

Sounds 50/50 to me, tbh. I don't go hunting around for stuff, either it's in the wash or it's not, we don't have school uniform, though.

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