To be pissed off at DP's inability to do anything domestic correctly?

[Isawthepigsfly]

So at the moment the majority of housework falls to me because I'm home more. That's fine.

This weekend DP was to do washing and sort DD's uniform. This morning it's materialised that not all of the uniform has been washed and some of the clothes that were washed (presumably on the wrong setting) and been hung to dry are still covered in sick.

So I've got a child half dressed for school and having to try and find some kind of alternative and a whole load of washing that now needs steeped and re-washed or binned which I'm leaning towards.

How can neither of these things be noticed by DP and only by me when it's a bit too late?

[mickeyjohn]

My husband is the same. He just doesn't SEE mess. When we got together he didn't even have a wardrobe - he just left his clothes in a pile on the floor!!! He has improved somewhat, but like someone else said above (sorry, can't remember who it was), some people have differing levels of cleanliness - what I think is filthy, he thinks is perfectly acceptable. We will never agree on this so we just have to compromise a bit or suck it up. From talking to my friends about this, this seems to be fairly normal.

It does not indicate someone isn't a great father, as someone claimed above It just means they're shit at housework.

[QuimReaper]

My DH is strategically incompetent too, as well as actually incompetent.

He went from home to boarding school (where there basically are fairies that do the housework) to living in squalor for a bit with his mates (although they were sensible enough to have a rota, "clean" is apparently not the word you'd use) to having his own place where he eventually just hired a cleaner. He did nothing between her visits.

It does suck, to be honest. I have had to come down hard on him about doing the cat litter and not leaving shit in the toilet I have also absolutely categorically refused to take control of leaving the cleaner her cash: he has tried and tried and tried to be so rubbish at remembering that I'll just take the task from him, but his one contribution to the maintenance of the house is the cleaner, and he can damn well remember to have cash and leave it out for her when it's every single week.

He's gradually getting there, but my God.

[FerretFred]

Is that a wind-up? If you can read you can do laundry. (The machine has a manual and clothing has care labels.) Is reading a problem?

Reading isn't a problem for me. Recognising something lighthearted obviously is for you.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I think if you're a great father, you'd want your children to live in a clean environment, and so you'd do whatever it takes to make that environment clean and tidy. You wouldn't forget to clean up, pretend you've forgotten to do the laundry and make the other parent do it all.

I certainly wouldn't want to raise a family with a grown adult who claimed he didn't know that the laundry needed doing on a regular basis!

[Isawthepigsfly]

And what on earth does it matter of stuff is hung up inside out, does it being the right way around make it dry quicker?

No but as clothes aren't worn inside out you would see any stains or in this case the sick that was all over the clothes and see that clearly it needed rewashing. Also no clothes are ever put away inside out so who exactly does he think spends the time to turn them the right way round?

[Kr1stina]

Reading isn't a problem for me. Recognising something lighthearted obviously is for you

I'm not sure that this thread is the best place to share your hilarious and original jokes about why men can't do laundry.

[Lemon12345]

My partner always lived with his wonderful mother or with me... He can do stuff but he has to be asked. But then I either have to give him a full step by step as he does it (at his request) or if he doesn't ask and I remind him to say clean behind the toilet he has a go about how he can clean you know... but if I don't remind him he doesn't think to wipe the kitchen counters before sweeping and then it's my fault for not saying.

But he has loads of good qualities and I have my faults too so it's annoying but not the end of the world that whenever I'm ill or unable to clean the house looks like a disaster zone... but everyone blames me as apparently he likes things clean and has OCD (my arse).

[wasonthelist]

LTB

[WankingMonkey]

I wouldn't soak sicky clothes before washing them, didn't know that was a thing?

Same here

[Longdistance]

My dh's nickname at home if half-a-job.

I've stopped speaking to him, as he's been a right lazy tosser lately. Not been home due to various social engagements

Yes, he's a grown man of 44, so he should be doing his jobs automatically.

I'm with you op.

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

I have this issue too.

Asked dh to feed cats as I was stuck on a phone call and they were twining in and out of my legs and tripping me up.

He decided it wasn't time to feed them, even though I had asked him to, so gave them one Dreamy snack (tiny cat treat) each. One minute later, one of them tripped me up.

I was utterly furious (not the first time he's done something like this) but he just didn't see any problem, I had asked him to feed them and he had given them a snack, even though he knew exactly what I meant he didn't want to do it, so pretended to be too stupid to do it properly.

I am still angry and the only reason I'm not seeing a divorce lawyer is that I can't face telling people we are splitting up over feeding a cat!

[Coffee3]

I'd love to find a way to get Dh to clean to an acceptable level without me having to nag constantly.
As a pp says he will do it (eventually) if I give him specific instructions and get each cleaning product out because obviously he can't see anything not immediately in front of him.
It's frustrating because he's a good man but the lack of self motivated tidying/cleaning is gross and frankly exhausting!

[HermioneJeanGranger]

What is so attractive about a man child who is incapable of cleaning up after himself?

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Ha. When I started a thread like this years ago to have a bit of a moan, I was made to feel like crap because I was clearly married to a fuckwit entitled manchild rather than a proper grown up like (allegedly) everyone else's DPs. In vain did I protest that were loads of things my husband was great at that I wasn't, and that actually he's a really nice bloke. No, the women of AIBU knew better.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Oh look. I crossed with a "manchild" comment.

[LittleSausageFingers]

OP, i fully sympathise. My DH is so fucking incompetent that i often see red.

Last night he was making poached eggs (something i usually would do, but I'd had enough of running around after him and his visiting family all weekend) using those poaching pods. He ended up chucking away two perfectly good poached eggs, because (and i shit you not) water had got into the pod and onto the egg. Yes. Water. Water had touched the egg. And we all know that eggs dissolve in water, don't we? It's not like poached eggs are normally made in water, is it? Honestly, i thought he was strategically incompetent previously, now i just think he's stupid.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I'm sure he is nice enough, but I genuinely want to know why grown women are attracted to grown adults who behave like stroppy teenagers when it comes to cleaning up after themselves?

DP had the weekend off this week. I was at work both days. As well as taking time to relax and do his own thing, he managed to do laundry, clean the bathroom, vacuum, wash the dishes and clean the kitchen floors. He wasn't asked. He didn't do it as a "favour". I didn't get a text asking how to use the washing machine or where the dettol was. Because as a fully-functioning adult, he's quite capable of looking after himself and his home without being nagged at!

[Ratbagcatbag]

FerretFred you made me smile even if others didn't.
Im a female with a bloody good job, but the iron that DH insisted on buying is beyond my capabilities so I share your pain with the washer.
I have successfully ironed my stomach, created enough steam to power the whole of the midlands for three days and put enough water in it to fill an Olympic swimming pool. I still get creased shirts and trousers. Dhs job is ironing (although recently we have outsourced this altogether) as well as other chores but I would be screwed if I had to do it.

Op - can you next week leave dh's shirts damp ready for Monday morning? Just to show him how annoying it is.

[TataEs]

hermione what i mean by asking for help is that in our house we have pre allocated the chores. i do laundry, oh does bins etc when one person is naturally more organised and tidy than the other this is the best way imo.
so if a circumstance arises where by i feel i require 'help' with something that i would usually accomplish alone, i would ask him to 'help' me
same as he would as me to help him, it's asking for help, but there isn't really the option to say no lol it's just polite to ask rather than tell.

[BeautyQueenFromMars]

HermioneJeanGranger Did you not find your DP at all attractive before discovering how great he is at household tasks? Did you check the cleanliness of his house before considering going on a date?
A lot of people don't know what their DP is like re housekeeping until they live together, or at least have progressed to the staying over at each other's house stage before discovering they don't share the same views on what constitutes 'clean'.

[c3pu]

I've been SAHD for two years now and was quite happy doing all the housework. However the bloody washing machine took me weeks to master. Whites became greys (pinks and purples on a couple of occasions). Clothes for a 10 year old mysteriously looked like Barbies cast offs and vanish took the colour out of some articles.

Really? I've got two balls as well and I've never had any problem with laundry (bar trying to cram too much into one load). The instructions are on the clothes label for most cases

Back to the OP's problem, if one of my kids is told to do an age appropriate job, and they do it badly (including homework), they are made to do it again until it's done right.

Perhaps taking this line with DH would be beneficial? Fucking up a job you don't want to again do is a trick as old as time, can't believe you're falling for it!

[Somerville]

Well presumably people have seen each other wearing clothing before they make a long term commitment. So it's pretty easy to determine whether they know how to read care instructions and follow them do laundry.

And there are loads of other ways to tell whether someone has slovenly or impolite habits before moving in together. The first time my now fiancé came for lunch he insisted on clearing the table and loading the dishwasher since I had cooked.

Likewise, the first time I stayed over with him overnight his flat was not just clean and tidy, but it smelled fresh, there was no rotting food in the fridge, and he had changed the bedsheets.

[SaagMasala]

I didn't expect my DH to share my standards of cleanliness as his mother clearly had a problem in that department.

I did expect that after 35 years of living in the same house as me, he might at least have learned something even if its what makes me nag him

I'm not the world's cleanest, or tidiest, but even I do sometimes clean the bath & hoover under the bed. pp had it right when she said they just don't seem to notice.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Of course I found him attractive, but I wouldn't have continued a relationship with him if he lived in a pigsty and left skidmarks in the toilet

I mean, I stayed over with him plenty of times before we moved in together. So I knew, from when I came over, that he was a clean person. His house was clean, there weren't piles of clothes dumped on the floor, the dishes were washed, the laundry was hung out.

How can you not realise your partner is a lazy manchild until you've moved in/had kids? I don't get it. People obviously know about these qualities, decide to live with them, and then complain about it five years down the line when they're finally fed up of cleaning up after their adult partner.

Why expect them to change? If they didn't clean up after themselves when they lived alone, and while you dated, and before you married/had kids, why would that change when marriage and children came along?

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Congratulations those of you with simply perfect and constantly fragrant partners.

However, there are several things I find that he just does without me thinking about it. Checking oil levels and tyre pressures, keeping the cat's water bowl topped up for example. Guess he must think I'm a ridiculous womanchild.

Why can't some people on MN resist piling in when someone clearly just wants to have a little whinge?