To be pissed off at DP's inability to do anything domestic correctly?

[Isawthepigsfly]

So at the moment the majority of housework falls to me because I'm home more. That's fine.

This weekend DP was to do washing and sort DD's uniform. This morning it's materialised that not all of the uniform has been washed and some of the clothes that were washed (presumably on the wrong setting) and been hung to dry are still covered in sick.

So I've got a child half dressed for school and having to try and find some kind of alternative and a whole load of washing that now needs steeped and re-washed or binned which I'm leaning towards.

How can neither of these things be noticed by DP and only by me when it's a bit too late?

[steppemum]

Are you kidding? I've been SAHD for two years now and was quite happy doing all the housework. However the bloody washing machine took me weeks to master. Whites became greys (pinks and purples on a couple of occasions). Clothes for a 10 year old mysteriously looked like Barbies cast offs and vanish took the colour out of some articles.

My wife had some favourite bits of clothing she would hide and not let me near. Although if she wanted to replace some of her wardrobe she would let me wash it so as she had an excuse to bin it!

I simply cannot believe this is a serious post. Sorry, but how stupid do you have to be?
Sort washing into piles of same/similar colour. It isn't rocket science to realise black and white clothes don't mix.
Put in machine on 40 degrees.

That is really all there is to it. If you want to make it more complicated then all you need to do is READ the F** LABEL.

My kids can all use a washing machine and sort washing inot colour heaps. The youngest is 8.

OP - I totally agree with strategic incompetence.

I note that HE wasn't trying to sort the useless uniform this morning, YOU were.

[MrsNuckyThompson]

Oh god my DH is like this. Last night he was 'clearing up' after dinner. He put the dishwasher on when it was half full, leaving the rest of the dishes languishing. I had emptied the sodding thing about an hour before dinner so I KNEW there was no way it was totally full. Stopped it, moved a few things around and got everything in. None of the left overs were in the fridge or even in containers. They had been decanted into stupid bowls, not covered over and left on the side. It leaves me fuming when I've spent hours over dinner to have to clean up after the sodding thing as well.

I don't care what anyone thinks - many men just ARE worse at this stuff. They don't see / notice / care enough. FFS

[steppemum]

Sukey - my dh does the car and the rubbush etc etc, because he preferes those jobs to the washing.
The difference is, that I CAN do the car, if it needed doing, and he CAN do the washing if it is his turn. Neither of us do a bad job because we can't be arsed.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Since when is being an adult capable of basic self-care being perfect?

[toptoe]

Does he do it on purpose or does he have different standards to you?

Also, is he receptive if you tell him all the housework wisdom you have eg cleaning sick off first by hand wash then popping in machine or does he not want to know?

[steppemum]

Mrs Nucky - I don't think men as a whole ARE worse at this.

I do think society allows men to get away with this. You are right in saying they don't care. But what is missing is that they don't care enough about YOU. If they did, they wouldn't expect you to clear up after them.

My dh isn't like this. He cleans up the kitchen properly and puts on the dishwasher. It his his job if I cook, and my job if he cooks.

The question I have for all of you with dh's who are crap at housework - do you have sons? And what are you teaching your sons?

In our house kids do chores, not many, but enough so they learn how to do stuff. None of my kids will leave home not knowing how to change their bed linen or wash a load of laundry, or cook a meal or pack a dishwsher. Sadly many kids, boys and girls, do leave home incapable of doing this.

[Blossomdeary]

But beware of assuming that your way is the only right way!

[IWantBlueHair]

My H was spoilt rotten by his mother, moved in with me in his late 20s not having a clue about how to cook, operate a washing machine or any day to day household chores. Funnily enough he's in his 40s now and hasn't changed at all. Actually I tell a lie, he has figured out how to wash his work suit but never bothers washing any other stuff...

I had a bit of a meltdown a while back and wrote him a list of all the chores I do, told him to pick a couple that he would be responsible for or else I was out the door, and meant it. That worked for about 2 weeks and then we were back to square one. As others have said, I just don't think he sees the mess or think of it as a priority. If he has any spare time he will go off fixing shelves in the shed or something, I honestly don't think it would occur to him to do housework if I didn't ask.

Recently I went away for the weekend. When I came back on the Sunday night he'd done nothing round the house, hadn't washed the kids uniforms or anything. I was fuming, but knew if I pulled him up on it his response would be well you didn't tell me to so I didn't...

[IWantBlueHair]

Oops, meant to say. I have a son and a daughter and there's no way on earth either of them will grow up the same way as their dad, I'll make sure of it, especially my son.

[Yoarchie]

My dh doesn't see what I see. He gets liquid detergent on the washing machine buttons, has no concept of appropriate separation of colour/levels of dirt. I had to ban him from using it. He actually wants to use it, he says, can I use the washing machine and I say no. It just makes more work for me.

Cooking is another problem. He won't simmer something, he cooks on full heat resulting in red sauce spatters over the floor and the rest of the hobs and work surface. If he wants 3 ingredients and finds one of them has gone rank, he uses it anyway because the ingredient is needed. I find it disgusting.

Cleaning. Well he's lived alone in the past and never cleaned. I once asked him to clean the bath. Later that day I used it and got into a bath, flavoured by what felt like an entire bottle of jif.

My db lives alone. He doesn't clean or tidy and only washes clothes when there is a risk of him having to go out naked. His place is rank, I don't let my kids go there.

[llangennith]

I would never have trusted DH to do the washing! Separating colours from whites, using the correct wash setting: he'd never have managed it

[thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter]

Just leaving this here...

[Cuppaand2biscuits]

Mine is useless. My biggest bugbears are cramming stuff into the kitchen bin instead of changing the bin bag. Never refilling tea and sugar cannisters (I don't drink these and very few guests have sugar)
And never clearing his own plate, he will literally leave it at the table and move to sit at the table.

[Pallisers]

This is called strategic incompetence. Some men do it in purpose so they don't have to do it again. Don't fall for it.

Ah yes my FIL thought it very funny to say "do it willingly but do it so incompetently that you'll never be asked again". By the time I met him, he wasn't even making a token effort. He would sit at the table and say "Mary I need salt" and she would get up and get it.

Luckily his sons aren't like him. My own dad did whatever was needed to be done in order to live in a house - like an adult would.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

My husband is eminently capable of "basic self care". He got himself round Central America as an 18 year old for 6 months, for example

I was talking about posters who come on here and list the simply brilliant household tasks their DP accomplishes at weekends, and class men who are not up to those standards as a "lazy manchild". It all sounds a bit smug to be honest. There are degrees surely?

I'm not commenting about the OP and her partner specifically, just on every other thread I have seen on this subject.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Got to admit though, reading some of the posts here I am a bit . Why does your DH never clear his own plate cuppa? Have you tried saying "Why don't you clear your fucking plate"?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Meh, different strokes for different folks.

I just think it's quite sad when people whose partners do their fair share without being asked are accused of boasting or being smug. I don't think the fact that my DP does his fair share of housework at the weekends is "brilliant" - it's normal adult behaviour.

[magimedi]

I entirely agree with you Hermione.

I am amazed by how many women seem to have (and tolerate) OH's who can't/won't/don't contribute to the running of a household.

And I would never have married my DH if he hadn't been able to cook, clean, sew a button on and share all the domestic chores with me.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Thanks Magimedi - was beginning to think I was a lone voice there!

[ralice]

My DH has got a bit better recently (after I threatened to end it...). He now loads the dishwasher and puts leftovers away. Sometimes puts away DS's high chair. Has been known to clean the kitchen.

The thing that is getting my goat lately is that I've realised that if he does actually do some cleaning/tidying, he never clears up anything of mine or DS's - only his own stuff! Yet I pick up after him every day. He also leaves things in strange places for weeks because I refuse to move them. There's a small box of body jewellery on the windowsill in the hallway. He got it down from the roof over a week ago and left it there. No idea why. He even 'tidied' the hallway but left it there. In fact he put our radiator key on top of it?!

[IWantBlueHair]

Mine leaves things in random places as well, which I refuse to tidy away. Several weeks later he will ask me why such a thing is in the bathroom say, and then denies all knowledge of ever putting it there!

[Isawthepigsfly]

I would think quite clearly it was a list of his bad points and not inclusive of his good points on what he does do.

The reason I was sorting the uniform was because he's already left for work when she gets dressed. I messaged him asking where it was and I said about the other clothes and he rang to apologise. We've spoken tonight and he's going to start pulling his weight again. He is fully capable, his house was always clean and tidy and he's admitted he's gotten lazy and apologised.

The "LTB" made me laugh. Like I'm going to leave him over that.

[Twofurrycats]

Half a job was what I regularly called my ex! Nothing ever completed. Any household task required step by step instructions to create the idea that it would be quicker to do it yourself: so strategic incompetence rings a bell with me. Note this was an ex.
Yesterday I informed a friend who stops here a lot that you don't need a vagina to operate a washer!

[Msqueen33]

My dh is the same. Admittedly he will hang out washing or take it off the airer but then leaves it. He's cleaned one bathroom when I was heavily pregnant in ten years. I'm a sahm but two of our kids have autism. Youngest is severe and not in school. Yet he cannot get why I'm pissed off that every now and again he can't load a washing machine. Aswell as blaming him I strongly blame his mother who waited on him hand and foot (still does when we go and see her) and he treated the house like a hotel. It really drives me mad.

[PinkiePiesCupcakes]

I'm SAHD too and when I started I rmemeber my EXW moaning about the washing and how shed had a busy day doing three loads...

My only difficulty with the washer is what to do with te several hours between pressing Go and it going beep. (I usually play PlayStation tbf)