Aibu to not want a present from in-laws

[Clarion]

Sorry this is really long.... And it's more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

A bit of background: we have had a lot of problems with MIL, and these problems got worse after we had children. Sadly we are now 'low contact' with them (our choice) and we stopped letting them having unsupervised contact with our DC a about 3 years ago as a result of her behaviour.

FIL usually just for along with MIL for a quiet life.

I've always tried to be cordial for DH's sake.

My birthday is coming up and MIL has form for using gifts in a manipulative ways, with strings attached. The year I was expecting her first DGC (4 years ago) they gave me a very expensive gift which cost way more than they would usually spend. They were clearly trying to 'buy' a good relationship with me before the baby arrived so she could have lots of baby time.
2 years ago they gave me a posh meal out with DH, and 30 second after I opened it, MIL quickly offered to babysit We didn't let them.
Last year things came to a head (not gift related) and we put some boundaries in place and started calling her out more frequently on her bad behaviour, which she didn't like. My birthday present was deliberately late (I eventually received something bland and inexpensive) with no expansion or apology, then she made a big song and dance about celebrating her other DIL's birthday a few weeks later.

Now she is asking what I would like. The answer is I don't want anything from them. I'm tired of these 'gifts' and having to be grateful even though I know there are strings attached or it's a snub. What do I do?

I am perfectly prepared to believe that the mil is utterly awful. But I am equally prepared to believe that the dil is utterly awful. And I am not prepared to automatically side with the dil, even if that is accepted mumsnet practice.

Bertrand this isn't directed at you in particular, sorry, but your post was quite concise so I'm quoting it as a example.
I feel like yes, I see a lot more "my awful MIL" on MN than "my awful DIL" and posters do tend to side with the OP but I don't think it's down to ageism or anti-MIL feeling or whatever. I think you're always going to get more complaints about MILs than DILs on here because of the demographic - I'd imagine a large lump of people on here join and use the site most when their kids are young, so they're much more likely to have MILs than DILs and much more likely therefore to have trouble with MIL relationships.
But also - accept for the sake of argument that most of these MILs are abusive, that these women are the abusive people. What would they have been like as daughters in law? My mother's abusive, but she was an OK daughter in law - when my gran was still alive, my dad and I were still in the house so she had no need to look outside her own house for someone to abuse. It was only once I left, and my dad died, that she'd nobody to make miserable, and that's when she started behaving really badly again around DH and me. And then times that by 10 for when our kids were born - because finally she had people close to her who weren't wise to her fucking nonsense, and because DH and I were too busy to manage her emotionally like we usually did. Because she was my mum, I knew what she was like, and anticipated this shit, and called time when it got too bad. But if you married into a family like that... it would be utterly confusing, hence coming straight on MN to go "wait what, is this normal? How do I handle this?"

So in summary: I think the relative frequency of anti-MIL posts has nothing to do with ageism and everything to do with the fact that a) the MN demographic includes far more people with MILs than DILs, and some of them are going to be awful and b) the fact that abusive people prefer to abuse those weaker than them, so a young abusive woman would be far more likely to go for her husband or children than her MIL.

Personally, to avoid any strings attached kind of present then I'd ask her to contribute towards a Voluntary group that helps buy people goats, sheep, cows, etc, to help a family far less fortunate that us.
I can't see how she could attach any strings to that or think that you are being mean. You're thinking of others less fortunate than us, aren't you?! 😉
Then you can bask in the glory of thinking of others at this time of year, less fortunate than us... So selfless... 😉

Actually, for me my nightmare (and is increasingly so, since MIL died) is my DM.
My lovely, kind MIL had her moments, but then don't we all? None of us is perfect! I really miss my MIL since she died. I miss her so much. She was more of a mum to me. She really understood and listened to how I felt when I was diagnosed with an incurable condition. She acknowledged that it was a very unfair world to be in ones late 30's. But she didn't turn upon me and inflict the matyr syndrome act, that I despise. She was sympathetic towards my feelings and sat and just listened to me. She understood that was exactly what I needed. She understood that my future plans literally had to be rewritten. I knew I couldn't continue my dream career and become the breadwinner when DH was made redundant. The writing on the wall was blatantly obvious for DH and I'd told her that was why I was studying and what my plans were. I explained to her exactly that my plans and fears were. I didn't like to tell her that future employment for my DH was highly improbable, although I hinted. He been at the company for too long and many employers prefer to have someone the right side of 50 and have plenty of experience. I'd already been offered a very tempting job; I had the perfect skills, but I knew that I just wouldn't be able to cope with it in the long term, due to this condition. I felt totally devastated.
My DP's on the other hand were to the other extreme. I was told off for being so stupid and not considering other people, like she and my father's feelings, for example. I had actually, but I was struggling to come to terms with my life plans suddenly falling apart. I no longer had a plan b.
DM went into complete 'martyr syndrome' (she does it so often, we have a nickname for it now). It was all about poor them "having a daughter with this incurable condition, poor us". We were told that we were going to have to accept "more input". I was told off again for only thinking of myself when I get upset. That wasn't entirely true. I was upset because it would inevitable affect my children's life's too. I wasn't just thinking of myself. Anyway DH realised that I needed to get the hell out of there. I go for months without see my DP. I don't enjoy snide, vitriolic, poisonous comments. I don't like false empty promises of "more input", being taken out, the least goes on. And on. I don't like the fact that they used to take the mickey out of my DH, because he was trying so hard to fit in. I don't like the the fact that they feel they can only have "intelligent conversations" when I've "left" (that I accidentally overheard).
I know my PIL used to wonder why on earth I rented part of a house, when my parents lived in the same village. I'm pretty sure over the years they eventually realised why.
So my PIL understood and read between the lines. My MIL was fantastic when we found out I had this incurable condition. She held me, she held my hands, we talked about how unfair it all was. I cried, she cried, we both cried. It was a massive relief not to have someone barking orders at me, telling me how to behave. It was the release I needed, as I felt like a pressure cooker.
She died just over a year ago. I still moan for her.
As for DM; I'm looking into nursing homes...

Isn't it normal to listen to the person who has the problem and take their pov, until such time as they do or say something which gives you real pause for thought? It's a bit like the 'innocent until proven guilty' principle.

I therefore will always assume that the poster is the one whose 'side' I am on, unless they are obviously ur. This poster has given you no reason to think that, and it is not particularly clever or interesting to jump around saying "oh but it might be their fault" just because you can. What would be yhe point of this site at all, if everyone did that?