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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want a present from in-laws

154 replies

Clarion · 06/11/2016 12:21

Sorry this is really long.... And it's more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

A bit of background: we have had a lot of problems with MIL, and these problems got worse after we had children. Sadly we are now 'low contact' with them (our choice) and we stopped letting them having unsupervised contact with our DC a about 3 years ago as a result of her behaviour.

FIL usually just for along with MIL for a quiet life.

I've always tried to be cordial for DH's sake.

My birthday is coming up and MIL has form for using gifts in a manipulative ways, with strings attached. The year I was expecting her first DGC (4 years ago) they gave me a very expensive gift which cost way more than they would usually spend. They were clearly trying to 'buy' a good relationship with me before the baby arrived so she could have lots of baby time.
2 years ago they gave me a posh meal out with DH, and 30 second after I opened it, MIL quickly offered to babysit We didn't let them.
Last year things came to a head (not gift related) and we put some boundaries in place and started calling her out more frequently on her bad behaviour, which she didn't like. My birthday present was deliberately late (I eventually received something bland and inexpensive) with no expansion or apology, then she made a big song and dance about celebrating her other DIL's birthday a few weeks later.

Now she is asking what I would like. The answer is I don't want anything from them. I'm tired of these 'gifts' and having to be grateful even though I know there are strings attached or it's a snub. What do I do?

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/11/2016 14:39

Well exactly, Laiste!

There really isn't any need for intimate details on every way in which the OP's MIL has behaved badly to her and/or her DH - I can't understand why everyone seems to think there IS a need for it, unless it's some kind of emotional vampirism, and people are getting their kicks out of it.

Either accept the OP's version and answer her question, or don't bother!

honeyandvinegar · 06/11/2016 14:53

I'm not getting any kicks out of someone else's problem-I just can't answer the AIBU without knowing more about it.
It is impossible to tell from the info we have whether the MIL has bad motives or whether the OP is just attributing them to her. OP is not obliged to answer further questions but that means I can't say who IBU. OP does not describe any way in which MIL has treated her badly-even in vague terms (although equally she may have been horrible).

Memoires · 06/11/2016 16:10

Book token. You'll probably get a WH Smith voucher instead but hey, you can regift that easily to yer, and she'll be unable to tell

Memoires · 06/11/2016 16:11

to her, regift it to her!

Memoires · 06/11/2016 16:15

honey, you're not being asked who is being UR though.

Bluntness100 · 06/11/2016 16:24

The op has asked if she is being unreasonable to not want a gift, then solely talked about the unacceptable gifts she's had stating this as the reason she doesn't want more.

She does say the behaviour is bad and it's low,, but not no , contact. So we can only assume that she is being reasonable in the fact she has made it low contact, however the reasons she's given for not wanting gifts, are due to the gifts already received, not because of other events, and the gifts received don't look that bad really.

She's not said I don't want a gift because I hate her guts, she's mean as hell and beats my kids up, so I don't want her buying for me, as it would be hypocritical to accept, she's said, the other gifts bothered me so I don't want more.

So yeah, that's unreasonable on the face of it.

Pickled0nions · 06/11/2016 16:26

When you're in low or no contact, you always mail the gift back intact. Do not open cards or gifts, simply send them back. That way you're not accepting that particular form of contact.

LagunaBubbles · 06/11/2016 16:36

It's hard to tell without knowing the alleged bad behaviour of your MIL because on find surface what you've posted doesn't sound bad st all. Of course toxic people exist but I dont see anything wrong with the gifts or what "strings" are attached either.

Pickled0nions · 06/11/2016 16:40

Don't need to know the details of the ''alleged behaviour' she's asking how to turn down a gift. Not how to deal with her MIL.

DontMindMe1 · 06/11/2016 16:45

You can either refuse to discuss anything non-dc related with her and return/give to charity/foodbank whatever she sends.

Or - and i would be very tempted - is to ask her for a copy of this - www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826

LagunaBubbles · 06/11/2016 16:50

Well I disagree Pickled, otherwise the OP looks petty, unreasonable and ungrateful for the gifts without there being anything to warrant this towards her MIL.

Cherryskypie · 06/11/2016 17:00

They chose not to let her have unsupervised contact with their child. There are obviously reasons.

Bearfrills · 06/11/2016 17:08

The DC don't have unsupervised contact yet MIL bought them a meal voucher then offered to babysit. To me that's her trying to wriggle around the decision made by the OP and her DH with regard to contact.

BertrandRussell · 06/11/2016 17:08

"They chose not to let her have unsupervised contact with their child. There are obviously reasons."

How do we know they aren't crap reasons?

Bearfrills · 06/11/2016 17:16

How do we know they aren't crap reasons?

You don't and this isn't the issue being discussed so you'll just have to take it as given that the reasons are valid and just.

Reading back over the opening post. The cheap and inexpensive gift? Not a big deal in isolation but it depends what other people got - as the OP says, MIL then made a huge fuss over her other DILs birthday. I've been on the receiving end of that. MIL gave SILs a new PAYG phone each, over £100 of shopping vouchers, jewellery and various other things. DH got a tin of biscuits. And they weren't even for him, they were for the two of us to share. Much fuss was made by MIL of "show DH and Bear your , isn't it lovely?" so that we had to sit and admire them. I felt awful for DH that Christmas because it is hurtful knowing you've been deliberately snubbed but not quite knowing why.

Laiste · 06/11/2016 17:17

OP said :''We have had a lot of problems with MIL, and these problems got worse after we had children. Sadly we are now 'low contact' with them (our choice) and we stopped letting them having unsupervised contact with our DC a about 3 years ago as a result of her behavior

Last year things came to a head (not gift related) and we put some boundaries in place and started calling her out more frequently on her bad behaviour, which she didn't like.

Now she is asking what I would like [birthday gift]. The answer is I don't want anything from them. I'm tired of these 'gifts' and having to be grateful even though I know there are strings attached or it's a snub. What do I do?''

That's the gist of it when i read it. The OP has said her MIL is difficult AND tries to manipulate with gifts. They've gone low contact to deal with the difficult bit but need to know how to handle the gift thing. Mumsnet isn't a court room. Why do posters need to be satisfied by more info about the MIL before giving a bit of advice? This isn't an actual court room, it's just Mumsnet.

I'd say you don't need a gift thanks MIL, card will do, lets stick to gifts for kids (under 18s) in the family only from now on maybe?

NotYoda · 06/11/2016 17:21

I don't get people who are saying "I'm guessing there's more to this"

The OP said there's more to it

She has told us what kind of contact she wants and how they've reacted, and now wants advice about what to do next

Stop trying to pick holes

tinkywinkyslover · 06/11/2016 17:21

I don't want anything from my in laws either. I totally get it, you don't want to feel like you have to be nice to them even if they behave badly.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 06/11/2016 17:21

How do we know they aren't crap reasons?

We don't. The OP has not been back, probably scared off by the near-universal disbelief she got to start with.

It might be that she and her husband are being unreasonable and the MIL is hard done by.

It might equally be that the MIL is one of the people frequently described on MN who totally ignore their adult children's wishes about how their children are to be looked after, even when medical reasons are involved. I've seen accounts here of grandparents not using car seats or feeding the children something to which they have medically diagnosed allergy. Nobody would have got unsupervised contact with my children if they'd done something like that, and that would include babysitting while we went out for a meal the irresponsible one had paid for.

NotYoda · 06/11/2016 17:23

My advice - tell her that you'd like a book token

MrsSnootch · 06/11/2016 17:28

To me, buying someone an evening out and offering to babysit, is genuine kindness and not manipulation. But I don't know her

I would ask for a charity gift, a donation to a charity of your choice, then at least someone will benefit

2kids2dogsnosense · 06/11/2016 17:37

ShouldhavebeenJess

The AIBU thread title will include the words "To kill her?"

And the respondents, to a woman will cry "YANBU! Justifiable homicide - no jury will convict!"

Bearfrills · 06/11/2016 18:00

MrsSnootch, but the MIL knows she isn't allowed to have unsupervised contact so buying the restaurant vouchers and offering to babysit deliberately puts the OP in an awkward position. She's specifically chosen a gift that she can use to try and undermine their rule of no unsupervised contact so it is indeed a gift with strings attached.

The way it goes is that if the OP accepts the gift then not only is MIL getting her own way and undermining them, but the OP and her DH are admitting via their acceptance that actually they were in the wrong to stop unsupervised contact and they set a precedent for further unsupervised contact (and if they don't allow further unsupervised contact then the gripe from MIL becomes "well how come I'm good enough to babysit when you want to go out to xxxxx restaurant...?). Depending on the reasons for no unsupervised contact they are also potentially putting their DC at risk.

On the other hand the OP doesn't accept the offer to babysit then she's being an ungrateful cow for rejecting such a selfless offer and the problem lies with her not the MIL because the MIL is only trying to be nice. It's the OP who is being difficult and who is blocking MIL from having a relationship with the GP and so on.

That's how emotionally manipulative people work. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't because whatever your response is, they'll twist it to suit their own agenda. When you're dealing with someone like that a gift is never just a gift.

Tanith · 06/11/2016 18:01

I'm surprised posters are demanding more details when the Op has clearly stated that there is a back story. No drip feed about that!

Given the Daily Mail's habit of picking up MN threads to publish in their rag, I'm not surprised she doesn't want to give further details.
If posters really can't answer without knowing the juice scandalous bits, then don't answer! You're not obliged to!

NotYoda · 06/11/2016 18:02

Tanith

Yes, although I would never post on AIBU, for that very reason

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