Aibu to not want a present from in-laws

[Clarion]

Sorry this is really long.... And it's more of a WWYD than an AIBU.

A bit of background: we have had a lot of problems with MIL, and these problems got worse after we had children. Sadly we are now 'low contact' with them (our choice) and we stopped letting them having unsupervised contact with our DC a about 3 years ago as a result of her behaviour.

FIL usually just for along with MIL for a quiet life.

I've always tried to be cordial for DH's sake.

My birthday is coming up and MIL has form for using gifts in a manipulative ways, with strings attached. The year I was expecting her first DGC (4 years ago) they gave me a very expensive gift which cost way more than they would usually spend. They were clearly trying to 'buy' a good relationship with me before the baby arrived so she could have lots of baby time.
2 years ago they gave me a posh meal out with DH, and 30 second after I opened it, MIL quickly offered to babysit We didn't let them.
Last year things came to a head (not gift related) and we put some boundaries in place and started calling her out more frequently on her bad behaviour, which she didn't like. My birthday present was deliberately late (I eventually received something bland and inexpensive) with no expansion or apology, then she made a big song and dance about celebrating her other DIL's birthday a few weeks later.

Now she is asking what I would like. The answer is I don't want anything from them. I'm tired of these 'gifts' and having to be grateful even though I know there are strings attached or it's a snub. What do I do?

I don't see anyone "demanding" any more details, just saying it's hard to say if OP is being unreasonable or not without them, that's all.

MrsSnootch, for sure, normally that would be a kindness, but then if it were meant as a kindness no one would consider turning ot down. OP has put context on that offer from her MIL and it seems fairly certain that it was entirely manipulative in this case. Luckily, as said, this isn't what we're being asked about though, so it doesn't matter whether any of us think it's a kindness or not.

Exactly, tgere is a backstory to this, I assume MIL behaved very badly, that is why op has limited contact with her. MIL 'presents' do not sound like they are given out of kindness from the heart, but as a tool to manipulate, and wheedle herself in. A form of control, so op woukd be wise to accept nothing from her, that can tie her to MIL, even book tokens.

This thread has turned into an English comprehension exercise.
If the Daily Mail don't pick it up a GCSE exam board might.

The OP isn't asking AIBU, she's asking WWYD.

clarion if you're still reading, then if you feel too awkward saying 'nothing' then ask for the same gift she gave you last year..... "I don't really need anything, but the handcream/chocolates you got me last year were lovely, perhaps I could have the same again."

That way, given the bland present was a snub, she can't use it for any leaverage this year. Also she can't admit it was a punishment for you and sends a subtle 'fuck you & your presents' message that she can't call you on or create any drama out of.

Good luck & ignore the emotional vampires that seem to have hung around from Halloween.

How do we know they aren't crap reasons?

Why cant we take a poster on her say so? Or are some posters so in cloud cuckoo land that actually some dils have awful mils they cant accept what someone says.

It could be something really horrid that she doesn't want to write about here but wants advice on a part of their relationship. Thats OK with me.

For most, if a close family member offers babysitting, then it will be taken up with glee for the opportunity to have some couple time.

The fact that neither the OP or her husband wanted to accept this 'gift', suggests that some pretty unpleasant, disrespectful and/or controlling behaviour must have occurred in relation to the care of their DC or their relationship.

Manipulative people always have a way of making you feel/appear unreasonable so it's good to pay attention to your instincts. Sometimes it's hard to explain what they have really done, but if you and your husband know that everything has an obligation attached or is an excuse for MIL to manoeuvre you into getting her own way about something, then your instincts about being manipulated are correct. She sounds incredibly passive aggressive.

Keep on being polite but distant for your DH's sake, but as others have said, just say a card is enough or that now you have kids, birthday presents are reserved for them only.

Good luck.

I'm another one who can't see what the mil has done wrong. And believe me if I could I would lol.

So without the back story then yes...yabu op

It's clear you don't have a good relationship (reasons not important I don't think) and of course under those circumstances accepting gifts is very likely to be awkward. I don't know how best to handle it, but it's really not surprising or unreasonable that you struggle to deal with getting gifts from someone you do not get on with, and try to avoid having in your life.

I too think there are some odd responses on here, you surely take the info in these anonymous posts at face value unless you have any reason to do otherwise?

How do we know they aren't crap reasons?

That's not your business though. We take the OP at face value. She doesn't have to give her reasons, and the entitlement of some posters is staggering actually.

Dont have any expectations about any gift. Don't think too much about it. Dont compare it or wander anything even in the face of her comments - just let it all slide. If she wants a present idea just say book token. It's easy to use it, or to pass on to someone else if you want.
It doesn't matter how big or small the gift is just act gracious when accepting it and don't be excited or sad. Just let it be.

This is what I love about AIBU. First of all everyone near-universally says it needs more context. Then a couple of people poke their heads up to say context is irrelevant and suddenly Uncle Tom Cobbley and all chime in with how disgusted they are that everyone doesn't just take everything the OP (who hasn't even been back) as gospel. I think 'Mumsnet is not an actual court' and 'the entitlement of some posters is staggering' are my favourites 😆

And then some clever clogs comes along and points out how predictable we all are.

Entitlement of some posters?😂
Imagine having the "entitlement" to actually want to know something on an Internet forum that someone has posted on asking if they are being unreasonable about their MIL without actually saying what's so bad about their MIL in the first place....shocking tbd sense of entitlement eh?!

Ok I will take the OP at face value then Bloody - based on what she had said about MIL - she is being massively ungrateful and I feel sorry for her MIL - who - again at "face value" - has done nothing wrong.

If it is so clear that there is a lot more to this and in a terrible back drop why is she asking if it's unreasonable, surely the answer then is obvious? The fact she's so unsure if it's unreasonable that she has to ask opinion. On here, surely says something,

She's not really asking if she's unreasonable though - more a WWYD. It's there in the OP. She doesn't know how to handle a request for an unwanted gift, probably with strings - backdrop isn't necessary, advice on how to say no to gifts etc. is what she was after.

advice on how to say no to gifts etc. is what she was after

Easy then,....You say 'please don't waste any money on a gift as there is nothing I want or here's

OP had no trouble telling mil she can't see her grandchildren without supervision so telling her not to buy a gift should be a walk in the park.

Need!.... not heres.... bloody silly autocorrect!

I'm not sure why the OP is being laid into - I've taken from her post that there are behaviour issues with MIL (she just hasn't gone into them at length - she doesn't have to) and that presents are being used to manipulate. There may be entirely appropriate reasons why the OP doesn't want MIL around her children. So therefore, it is entirely reasonable that OP doesn't want a present. OP - I would just say thank you, but no presents required.

Ask her. To donate to a charity of your choice ( maybe one that helps resolve whatever problem you have with your in law)

Based on the information available, it sounds like the OP has too much time on her hands. Jeez, why worry about a gift? It can only be used as a manipulative tool if you allow yourself to be manipulated by it. All you need to do is say "thanks".

Ask her for a copy of "The Narcissistic Mother-in-law" by JJ Stanway

I have a wonderful MIL but the biggest evil narcissist of a mother with whom I'm low contact (as civil as possible for the sake of other family members so they dont have to choose, for those who don't understand the concept). Those who have never been subjected to emotional abuse will never understand because the abuse is always subtle enough to others to be explained away but when you've lived it, you start to understand and even predict the behaviour so OP, please don't be disheartened by those who think your Mil sounds lovely, you really don't want them to have experienced enough to understand this like myself and others with toxic relations do - we hear what you're getting at.

In answer to your wwyd question, don't say 'nothing' as that's able to be perceived as ungrateful. I'd say that there's nothing really that I want or need except a salad bowl/set of dish towels/handheld whisk etc i.e. Something that can only be accused of being boring and would only ever be inexpensive so she's not able to spend a lot, can't complain it's difficult to find and can't use it for guilt.

I like the idea of a donation to a charity of your choice in your or DC's name.